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Chapter 13 Using EQ to Improve Influence and Social Circle (1)
The basic characteristics of "interpersonal emotional intelligence"
As for the basic characteristics of high "interpersonal emotional intelligence", I once made a five-point summary in a training session:

Proactive and enthusiastic about interpersonal interactions; likes to meet different people; can quickly discern the characteristics of people with whom he interacts; is good at expressing kindness even when the other party is malicious; willing and able to maintain long-term friendships.

A person with inner confidence, they never lack courage in interpersonal communication.Self-confidence is first of all the belief in one's own ability. He believes that he can provide value to others, and fully demonstrate himself, and get what others need; secondly, he is also full of confidence in his own image and communication skills, and he will not be restrained and behave At a loss.

In the case of EQ training, I found that those people who are passive in communication mostly deal with and communicate with people out of helplessness, and do not experience a sense of security in interpersonal relationships.This type of people has a strong sense of self-protection. They are afraid of being hurt by others when they do tasks, and they put on a layer of armor all over their bodies.It's not that they are unwilling to interact with people, but they are unwilling to bear the consequences that may occur when they actively interact with others.

In this way, people don't like him and don't want to talk to him.Therefore, when this kind of people need to contact people, they always have to muster up the courage to stretch out their hands, as if to detect an unpredictable minefield.When the other party responds positively, his confidence bursts instantly, like a fire burning; once he is left out, or the other party's response is slow, he easily draws the terrible conclusion that others don't like him.

He will think: "Look! I guessed it right, he is really not interested in me, he doesn't look down on me at all, I really have a shaved head, a hot face and a cold ass! I better stop doing such stupid things .”

From now on, he will shrink more resolutely in his own world, lose all his courage, and become more passive.People with passive communication type have inferiority complex in their hearts.They prepared a hard shell for themselves, and decided whether to drill out or shrink in according to the different situations outside.These people are prone to compromise when dealing with networking issues, and often feel insecure and withdrawn.They are easily persuaded and give in easily, just to make a good impression on themselves.Because of this, their relationships are getting worse.

The other kind of person is the utilitarian identifyr of identity and status.For example, some people who love fame and fortune, they pay special attention to their current status (including income and assets).When they meet someone who is richer and nobler than themselves, he feels: "If I greet the other party first, I will appear humble." Look down on me." Or, "He is so busy, surely he doesn't want to see me?" "We don't know each other well, and he is my boss's boss, so he will definitely not help me." These ideas and scenario designs are in his Recurring in his mind, constantly strengthening his inner inferiority complex.It is difficult for him to overcome such inner demons, to break through the inertia of his own thinking, and to boldly express his desire to make friends with those "nobles".

Therefore, the three positive interpersonal beliefs I mentioned below are what we need to adhere to.How to manage one's own network resources well, these principles are very important.

Focus more on the process

Human interaction has a utilitarian purpose, as does any form of human relationship.The goal of a manager's network is often to win people's hearts, while ordinary employees aim to accumulate relationships and get promoted.Even so, when we actively interact with people, we don't have to insist on results, and we should focus on other positive meanings.In the process of communication, we can show our good social image.Therefore, you need to warn yourself before dating: I am just saying hello to him, whether he responds is beyond my control, and it is not the most important thing to me.

Recognize the equality of human interaction

You have to clarify a core principle: people's communication is natural and equal, there is no distinction between high and low.Some people always think that other people associate with him for a purpose, to get his help, so others must pay a certain price when they associate with him, otherwise they will pay in vain.So they treat other people's friendship requests with the purpose of rewarding. When his efforts are not rewarded, he will feel very wronged and unbalanced.There are also some people who feel that their status is low. When their superiors and bosses ask them to do personal affairs, they can only compromise and try their best to realize the wishes of the other party, otherwise it will be very detrimental to their work.This is putting yourself in a very low position.He should learn to say "no" to others at the right time, and refuse to do things that "force himself".

Never depend on anyone

This is the requirement for "psychological self-reliance". Interpersonal communication is based on mutual support and mutual benefit. If you rely too much on others psychologically, although you get more security, you actually become someone else burden.Even between relatives, if the sense of dependence is too heavy, it will not stand the test of a long time, let alone the collaborative relationship in the working environment.

A person suffering from interpersonal dependence may be very dependent on a certain person, or may be non-selectively dependent on any one person.Their manifestations are diverse. Once he trusts and relies on each other too much, and obeys others in everything, he has lost himself.He wanted to get continuous support and protection from the other party, but he couldn't make the corresponding contribution and couldn't give the other party enough support.If you find yourself in this situation, you have interpersonal dependency disorder.

For this situation, you have to tell yourself clearly: "I am unique, and I don't need to rely on anyone. I take the initiative to form relationships for a win-win situation. I will pay first and will not entrust my destiny to others. "

To build confidence in active communication, you need to break through the perception mode of passive communication.We mentioned above that courage and confidence are the decisive force of a person's network image, which is an indispensable foundation.I suggest that the trainers pay more attention when the company participates in the meeting, and they will definitely notice the following phenomenon:

Those who are good and important, they always take the initiative to introduce themselves first.Even if you are an insignificant person, sometimes they will take the initiative to walk up to you and introduce themselves to you by reaching out:
"Hello, I'm..." They unite most people, maneuver freely among strangers, introduce themselves proactively and bravely, and talk to everyone.

If you are willing to analyze and think calmly, you will find that the reason why they can succeed and become respected business leaders and leaders in various industries is inseparable from their self-confidence in interpersonal communication.It can be seen that initiative is an interpersonal emotional intelligence that we must possess, and its importance far exceeds our own ability or utilitarian factors such as fame and fortune.

key to human connection

The first 5 minutes are crucial
In the first 5 minutes of talking to someone, make sure you come across as friendly and confident. "5 minutes" is a period of mutual observation.You are watching him, and he is watching you, evaluating and scoring you.Therefore, friendliness and self-confidence are two essential stepping stones.In addition, you have to be good at observing words and expressions, and showing corresponding emotions appropriately.For example, your sympathy, understanding and consideration for him, and your expectations for both parties.During this period, you must know how to show your strengths modestly and accept criticism or misunderstanding from the other party.In a word, in the first 5 minutes, you must show kindness to the greatest extent, be kind and friendly, and be willing to take the initiative to help the other party in exchange for the other party's sincerity and willingness to continue communicating.

When you meet strangers, speak up in time

Obviously, "stranger" is a network platform that we need to constantly develop.After all, your existing network is limited, just like a circle, the space inside the circle can never exceed the space outside the circle, only by constantly expanding outward, can your interpersonal relationship become more and more abundant.

When we are on a plane, train or ship, we encounter unfamiliar potential relationships, which are excellent opportunities for human connection.Of course, it does take courage to open up to those sitting next to you and find the possibility of a relationship.In this case, you will find that the less good a person is at talking to strangers, the more he will rack his brains to think of those perfect words.But the results often let him down.Either he dawdled and dared not speak, wasting opportunities in vain; or he spoke inappropriately, which made the atmosphere inappropriate and failed to achieve good results.

When communicating with strangers, you should speak in a timely manner without thinking about too profound topics.Sometimes a casual greeting, talk about the weather, and talk about current affairs is a very natural and successful opening statement.

Prepare the right topic in advance
If you go to a party and are invited to talk with people, don’t think that you are just going to eat and drink. On the contrary, the topic is very important.You have to choose a topic that suits you and make full preparations in advance.It can be the current hot news, or some stories between you, such as past experiences, current work, or family trivia.But one thing is certain, these topics must be of interest to him (this will be discussed later).

In the process of communication, we should not repeat the topics that have already been asked, and it is best not to ask things that are likely to cause fierce reactions and arguments, and to ensure a harmonious atmosphere.

Choose what the other person is interested in
One thing, if the other party is not interested, even if you are eloquent, it is of little value.You want to find some people and things that touch him most from the bottom of his heart, such as his family, his past glory, his strengths and strengths.If we want the conversation to move the other party, we have to touch the most sensitive and fragile string in the other party's heart.

Therefore, before meeting him, you might as well find out what he is most proud of at the moment.Because there is no one who does not like to hear a good word, no matter how humble he is.People all over the world enjoy the feeling of being recognized, and everyone has a psychological need to be recognized by others.Therefore, the greater a person's achievement, the more he wants others to see it.Even a person who lives with flowers and honors every day does not exclude more praise and affirmation.If you meet someone who has just been promoted, you can make a big fuss about the other person's ability and official luck.This must be what he would most like to hear and what he would most like to talk about.But you have to pay attention to the range and intensity. If it is too light, the other party will not feel it; if it is too exaggerated, the other party will think you are nasty, and the result will be counterproductive.

Actively participate in various social activities

People with high emotional intelligence are willing to participate in any activities, express themselves on various occasions, and make friends.Even if the nature of this activity is that he doesn't like it very much.Even if he lacks interest, he is willing to be there.They know that hiding at home cannot make real friends, and only face-to-face communication can expand their contacts.Moreover, while taking the initiative to participate, you must also dare to show and expose, and gain something from these activities.If you just go through the motions, stay in an unnoticed corner and drink a glass of wine and then go back, it means you didn't go, and it's worthless.

Dare to take the initiative to hug friends

How do you express your enthusiasm when meeting up with friends?You can reach out, shake hands with others, ignite each other's hearts with a smile, or take the initiative to hug each other, even if it is a little abrupt, it will convey a sincere and "you value him" message to the other party.Sometimes when we meet strangers, we can also hug them appropriately, quickly shorten the distance between the two parties, let each other have a good chat, and quickly establish a strong friendship.

regular greetings are essential

You should be good at consolidating the existing relationship, take time out regularly, open the business card book, classmate directory, phone list, and look at those who have not been in touch for a long time.Then arrange a regular cycle to greet each other on a regular basis.It is best to send a small gift on holidays and the other party's birthday.If the conditions are right, you can also find an appropriate time to invite them out to get together, eat, sing, have a drink, and deepen mutual friendship.

When saying hello, you must be sincere, not hypocritical or casual
When saying hello to others, don't make false claims or deal with it a few times before you're done.Pretending to say hello is better than pretending not to see.In fact, people pay special attention to everyone who greets them, and pay special attention to the attitude of the other party: Do you respect him, and do you really value him from the bottom of your heart?People like those who take the initiative to be close and friendly to him.If you have a sincere attitude and can stick to it, so much the better.

Here are some important ways to help you improve your relationships:
Seize every opportunity to introduce yourself, take the initiative to recommend yourself, such as parties and work, on business trips, no matter when and where.

Be sure to tell the person your name.

Even if you have only met once, you must ensure that you can correctly call the other person's name, and never ask the other person a second time.Write down the person's name and save the phone number.

If you want to further communicate, you can write emails, make phone calls or make an appointment for dinner, and visit your home to get to know each other better.

Communication with strangers is very important.But you have to choose the right topic, create a relaxed and happy atmosphere, and it will be of great benefit to you to stick to it.

be a competent observer

In the training class, I mentioned the importance of "observation" emotional intelligence to Richard, a manager of the human resources department.The reason is that he asked me a question: "How to determine whether a person is worth recommending to the president for promotion?" Richard works for Buffett's Hathaway company. Talk to them, and examine their performance, ability, and personal character, and then determine whether this person has the possibility of promotion.

Once, a securities analyst named Husson was invited to have a conversation with him.Richard was very impressed with him. Two weeks later, Hesson was promoted to an independent consultant in the securities consulting department, and his salary increased by about 45%.But half a year later, Richard was very disappointed, because Husson's performance was far lower than his original evaluation, and he did not have the ability to get the position and salary.He felt that it was wrong for him to take a liking to Hessen after only one conversation.

He said: "Hesson's eloquence successfully 'deceived' me. He performed perfectly in the one-hour conversation, eloquent on the sensitive issues in the industry at that time, and put forward many novel viewpoints and business ideas; He is full of passion, when he talks about excitement, he even looks excited and dances, and lists a lot of data and detailed analysis. I saw the image of a passionate and talented workaholic, so I immediately submitted his name to him. In the analysis report, I wrote an A, which is the sign of a superior talent."

Looks like no mistakes.But what's the problem?Richard's observations were insufficient.He only paid attention to one-sided qualities, such as Husson's eloquence, dedication to work, and the uniqueness of his professional philosophy.These superficial things are very deceptive, at least they can easily create a "beautiful scene".Just like the kind of people we usually see and meet, they speak eloquently, as if they are knowledgeable, know the past and know the present, often have amazing words, full of motivation and enthusiasm to change the world, let you first Time will judge him: this person is very powerful.But after you observe him calmly for a few weeks, you may be surprised and overturn the previous conclusion.

You'll find he's just that--except for a little bit of his mouth. The behavior of "excessive self-expression" often illustrates the fact that it is a manifestation of frivolity and impatience.Richard was incompetent in terms of real insight, and that's why there was a colossal blunder—a waste of Hathaway's resources by putting an incompetent person in an overrated position.

(End of this chapter)