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Wang Ge:

A letter is like a meeting.

By the time you read this letter, I should have already settled in a strange city.

Maybe you have discovered that I did not take the college entrance examination.

Don't worry about me, don't go to me, I'm fine, I've never been better.

You've also finished your math test. Now it should be the time when we meet in the library every night.

Although I think there is a high probability that I will come back to you, no one can predict what will happen in the future.

In this case, let's regard this letter as the last time we see each other.

I told you a long time ago that I didn't agree to your confession because I had something more important to pursue.

You should have guessed that this more important thing is freedom.

This was not a choice I made on the spur of the moment, it was something I planned a long time ago.

I have been working towards this goal for a long time, and freedom has almost become my obsession.

I must go.

Since you are so smart, you should have thought that such a day would come, right?

Well, just after I wrote these few words, the memories of you and I have already begun to appear in my mind, colliding back and forth, and lingering.

I have already begun to feel reluctant to leave.

After carefully recalling it, I found that most of the time we got along was you talking and me listening.

I like listening to you talk very much, and hearing you share some trivial things with me is very warm and interesting.

I had no friends since I was a child, and no one would listen to me no matter what I said at home, so I gradually lost my desire to express myself.

If we really get together, I will be a very boring girlfriend, right?

——Originally I wanted to write more about my feelings for you to prove that I really like you, but after thinking about it carefully, since we have already separated, no matter how much I say, it will be nothing more than a mirror. It's just a pity.

I have told you what I can say before. If you think about it carefully, all I can say to you in this letter is probably the word 'sorry'.

Sorry, Wang Ge.

I was the one who listened to you before. Since this is the last time we see each other, it’s time for you to listen to my nagging.

You should have a general idea of ​​what’s going on in my family, so I won’t mention it any more.

I'm just going to express my inner feelings to you - or you can treat this as confiding or complaining.

I'm in pain, Wang Ge.

Not only were the shackles imposed on me by my family, but there was also a strong conflict between moral ethics and my personal will.

I hate this family, my incompetent and angry mother, and my silent and cowardly father.

But the education I received from childhood told me that this kind of thinking is wrong. In any case, they are the parents who gave birth to me and raised me, and I should be grateful to them.

So, I felt disgusted with my family and felt guilty about that disgust.

My restrictive family was tormenting me, and my guilt was eating away at me.

In intense pain, I made the decision I have now.

That is: escape from your current life.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not running away from the problem, on the contrary, I am running away in order to better solve the problem.

My idea is simply that since the moral concept I accept conflicts with my personal will, it means that it is wrong-at least it does not apply to me.

This may be a bit too arrogant, but you know, Wang Ge, my thoughts are always different from those of most people, and they are always a little strange.

It seems to me that ideas may deceive me, but my feelings will not.

The suffocation, depression, and pain I felt were so real and deep into my bones that they would not lie to me.

There have been many methods of enslaving others throughout human history.

The shackles are used to enslave behavior; the prison of words is used to enslave words; the eight-part essay is used to enslave ideas.

But, Wang Ge, from ancient times to the present, in five thousand years of civilization, there has never been any kind of slavery that can enslave our feelings.

The freedom of feeling is the lowest, most egoistic, and most inalienable freedom for everyone.

Before I became numb, my feelings would never lie to me, pain was pain, it would never turn into joy.

Therefore, I confirm that there is a certain error in my concept.

But I still feel guilty and still suffer.

Because this concept has already penetrated into my heart and mind and become a part of me.

Even my three views are based on this concept. Now if I deny this concept, wouldn't it directly deny my entire being?

After experiencing the initial pain and despair, I began to gradually realize that my thoughts were being bound and enslaved by the concepts I had built up since childhood.

Even if I escape the control of my parents, the concepts I have formed over the years will not change. This restraint will still exist, superior to my thoughts.

Just like a tattooed prisoner, even if he is released from prison after serving his sentence, the mark of shame etched on his face will not disappear and will accompany him throughout his life.

After coming to this conclusion, I became even more painful and even had the idea of ​​committing suicide for a time.

I cannot accept such a future, and I cannot bear to live without freedom.

But there are always two sides to everything.

While suffering, it also made me think more deeply about freedom, this grand proposition.

What exactly is freedom?

In the real world, where there are so many shackles that cannot be shaken off, how can we achieve freedom?

What should the freedom I want look like?

……

Through constant reading and long-term thinking, I got some answers.

But the road ahead is still unclear and foggy.

But it doesn’t matter, I can slowly explore and try.

Only after you try it will you know whether it works or not.

I'm still young and I have the opportunity to try and make mistakes.

Everyone is born free, but he is always in chains.

The material world has all kinds of shackles that cannot be broken away from, so I must at least achieve freedom in the spiritual world.

So, I'm going to try and reinvent myself.

Each of us comes into this world naked, like a piece of white paper. But as time goes by, writing begins to appear on the white paper. This is the mark and influence of the external world deposited on us.

Ideas are formed and shackles emerge.

This is where the source of my pain comes from.

That is: this white paper belongs to me, but the one who writes and draws on this white paper is not me.

This is lack of freedom.

So, I’m going to reinvent myself.

Reshape my thoughts, my concepts, my three views, and everything that does not belong to me or come from me.

Only in this way can I pursue the elusive and elusive freedom.

This is why I left without saying goodbye - to do this, I had to cut myself off from everything in my past and completely enter a new life.

I don’t know if the path I’ve chosen is the right one, but I’ll never know if I don’t try.

Since the marks left on my face by tattooing cannot be washed away, I will peel off my entire face.

Only by throwing away all the shackles and imprints of my past life can my life become a blank sheet of paper again.

Until then, Wang Ge, I can use the memory pen to carefully write your name on the white paper.

please believe.

I will be free and we will meet again.

that's all.

Chen Yanxi.

On the afternoon of June 6th.