The unscrupulous system forced me to frantically test the small black room

Now it’s time to give the final remarks. It doesn’t seem like there’s any need for any literary grace, so let’s just chat casually.

Thank you for reading my ramblings.

I had been planning to write a novel for a long time, but it was also a spur-of-the-moment decision.

I wanted to do this, so I just did it, and that’s why my first novel was a failure.

When I wrote my first book, even one more comment would make me happy for the whole day. I cherish every one of my readers, and I will still be motivated even if I write 10,000 or 20,000 words a day.

Although the whole book couldn't be more unpopular, I am very glad that there are still a few readers who stayed with me all the way and gave me positive feedback, which made me believe that I really like writing novels.

So, I wrote a second one.

Fortunately, compared to the first book, this one had a short period of highlight, and readers’ overwhelming “likes” were reflected in every corner of my novel.

I never tire of liking readers’ comments every day, collecting everyone’s “likes” bit by bit, and being moved time and time again when readers “understand” the characters I write.

I will read those long reviews over and over again, even going back to them after a long time, and be moved again and again by the sincerity of the readers' comments.

I will save every painting created by readers in the circle into my own photo album, and these have become my capital to show off to my family and friends, and are the spiritual motivation for me to persist in writing novels.

Of course, while I gain "likes", I also encounter dislikes. Some extreme and stubborn remarks can also bring me negative emotions.

I am a very fragile person, so I cannot count how many times I have fallen into a vortex of self-doubt because of these comments.

Especially when the number of readers dropped sharply, the number of comments became fewer and fewer, and the data became worse and worse, I always asked myself, "Am I really suitable for writing novels?"

I always pretend to be indifferent and make fun of myself. I define my own novel as a cliché, melodramatic, nonsensical novel without any depth.

But when I receive comments labeled as "cliché" and "routine", I still feel anxious, worried that what I wrote is really just cliché and routine.

About half of the negative comments came from the character of Yu Qian. In the early days, I wrote a lot about the couple Yu Qian and Tao Xuan, but after being scolded for so much, I didn't dare to let their names appear in the following hundreds of posts.

I saw many people asking, "Why didn't she resist?", "Why couldn't she escape and rely on herself?", "After all, she just couldn't let go of the life her adoptive parents could provide her with", "She clearly knew that Tao Xuan was a playboy, but she still wanted her to change for her", "She herself was unhappy, so does she think that everyone else is as unhappy as her?", "Why is she so noble?", "She is only arrogant in front of Tao Xuan and so cowardly in front of others".

I wanted to defend Yu Qian, but I found myself unable to refute. I tried to explain it by saying that Yu Qian received "moral kidnapping education", but it was useless.

These comments even affected me, making me feel that my expression was not good enough, or that the character itself was really a failure?

But it was not until the story was coming to an end that I became interested and read the comments on Yu Qian. I saw that a reader compared Yu Qian to a baby elephant trapped in front of a wooden stake. Even if the baby elephant grew up, it could not get rid of the wooden stake.

It suddenly dawned on me.

Maybe I didn't express myself clearly enough, or maybe I didn't portray the character successfully enough, so people don't understand Yu Qian's helplessness, or maybe they see it but just think she is pretentious and doesn't help herself.

But even so, there are still people who can understand this contradictory character under my clumsy writing, and use their words to let me know that there are people who can resonate with me.

It's enough for me that someone can understand it.

Many people may have noticed that each of my characters is imperfect, and these imperfections have become points of criticism, but I still stubbornly add inappropriate criticisms to the characters.

Because I always feel that a character’s imperfections make it more like a living person.

Just like Tao Zhi, he coveted Yu Qian's beauty in the early days. Yu Qian wanted to live in the next room, and Tao Zhi had already promised Gong Cheng to live in that room, but he still broke his promise.

This plot was criticized by many people. Some people said that he was a bootlicker, and some people said that he was dishonest.

Every time there is a negative comment about this plot, I will click on the edit page and debate whether I should change the plot.

At times like this, I always ask myself, what kind of protagonist do I want to create?

The final result of thinking is to exit the editing page.

Because I look at it from Tao Zhi's perspective. As a straight man, he meets Yu Qian, the girl he likes, while Gong Cheng is a paper man who is insignificant to him and even needs to be bullied by him.

The character he played was originally a "scumbag villain", so "breaking his promise" to Gong Cheng could not only help him like Yu Qian, but also increase Gong Cheng's points, thus killing two birds with one stone.

Therefore, Tao Zhi's behavior seems to be just a trivial matter in his inherent image as a scumbag, and it may even further consolidate his image as a scumbag.

Although Tao Zhi seemed cheerful in the early days, he was actually very cold. He always looked down on everyone like a spectator and regarded everyone as paper people. After that, there was a long process of evolution of his mentality, and eventually these paper people became the people he cherished.

Gong Cheng is also imperfect. From the very beginning, the author Tao Zhi set Gong Cheng as an imperfect being who needs to be redeemed.

Before Gong Cheng went abroad, he was always a weak character who could only cry and rely on his husband. He was inferior and cowardly, always trying to avoid some embarrassing situations in an evasive manner, but he didn't know how to resist, and he didn't have the calmness of Xu Yanze when encountering problems.

So when he and his husband were kidnapped, he followed his husband's arrangements as usual and went to school to defend his thesis. However, the fact that he left his husband behind became a point that he could not avoid.

He is not a blind believer, he just doesn't believe in himself.

Being a coward, he couldn't think of a better way to deal with the situation, so he chose to believe in Mr.

When Tao Zhi needed a blood transfusion, Gong Cheng's impulsiveness and Xu Yanze's calmness once again formed a contrast. Gong Cheng's eagerness to do something for the teacher ended up getting in the way, and readers commented that he was irrational and childish.

There is another point that I am more concerned about. More than one person said that the 33-year-old Tao Zhi is too naive and what he did is not at all like what an adult should do.

I am actually very confused about this because I am now in the stage of mental transition to adulthood.

I am old enough to be called an "adult", but I still haven't found the state that an adult should be in.

It’s a bit embarrassing to say it, but I still feel like a child.

When I’m at work, I will pretend to be a serious adult, but when I get home, I still like to eat all kinds of junk food. I will still watch anime, comics, and novels, and then scream for the CPs I support.

So when some readers pointed out that Tao Zhi was still childish at the age of 33, I was confused for a long time.

I don't know how mature a 33-year-old should be.

Just like now, I don’t know whether people of my age have really grown up, or are just acting like adults like me.

Novels are idealized. I hope that the Tao Zhi in my novel is happy and childish, and can act recklessly at any time with someone to back him up.

So please let him remain childish.

These "pitfalls" that have been repeatedly complained about may cause many readers to abandon the novel and have added a lot of low-scoring reviews to my novel. Although I have struggled with it countless times, there is only one decision in the end.

I still want to use this not-so-clever way to make them more vivid and more like human beings. It may backfire or be too much, but as long as one person understands it, it's enough.

In the later period, the novel reached a low point and never recovered. During this period, I was so anxious that I almost wanted to give up several times, but I questioned myself and despised myself for when I changed my original intention and became utilitarian.

When I was writing my first novel, a comment would make me excited enough to organize the wording and write a thoughtful reply, and a request for update would make me update quickly and look forward to being praised by a reader.

But now I am more and more easily broken by the decline of data.

In the past, when I saw readers praising my improved writing style and my delicate emotional descriptions, I would secretly feel happy, but now I feel anxious when I see it.

Because not long ago I took some time to read the first part of my own novel, and I was surprised several times that such a description could have been written by my past self?

Looking at my current work, every word and sentence is filled with impatience. I can no longer calm down and spend a lot of time to revise it word by word to perfect a paragraph that can be praised as "very detailed description".

I once again fell into self-doubt, and stopped writing my third new article in time to cut my losses.

I was very clear that the third novel was not what I wanted to write. It could not bring me the excitement and joy of writing. This was not what I wanted.

It took me a long time to adjust my state and try hard to find my original intention of writing novels.

I want this novel to have the happy ending it should have, and for the act of writing the novel to also have a happy ending.

Many readers have already discovered this and have questioned whether Xu Yanze has a happy ending.

In fact, I had raised this question through Tao Zhi’s words a long time ago.

Tao Zhi asked more than once, "Are they really still themselves in the next world line?"

So, when Xu Yanze entered the fourth world line and was with Tao Zhi, was he really with the Tao Zhi he loved?

Or is this just a form of self-deception and self-salvation?

I can't give a definite answer because the truth is more cruel than lies.

For Xu Yanze, the fourth world line is like a beautiful dream that he begged for.

Just like Tao Zhi, for him, he had already died in that small fish tank, and everything after that was just a dream.

Of course he knew that everything was fake, and he tried to stay awake and pursue the so-called "reality", but compared to the broken reality, beautiful dreams would make people addicted.

So Tao Zhi willingly gave up the pursuit of reason and fell into it, begging not to wake up again.

The same goes for Xu Yanze. The first three world lines are Xu Yanze's reality. He is powerless to resist, and he is not even qualified to fight for her. He can only watch his lover right in front of him again and again, but dare not cross the line and touch her.

The emergence of the fourth world line gave him life and became the dream he had always hoped for.

Xu Yanze is so smart, how could he not know that this is a beautiful dream woven out of lies?

But it doesn't matter anymore, does it?

The clever Xu Yanze gave up his reason and clarity, and willingly became a fool who could not see the truth. Then he resolutely stepped into the beautiful dream and ran towards Tao Zhi in the dream.

Finally, my novel dream is coming to an end.

Until I typed the three words "End of Main Text", I had never stopped updating or asked for leave. Even I was shocked that a person who gets excited only after a short period of time could actually stick to one thing for half a year.

I used 115 million words to prove whether I was suitable for writing novels, only to find in the end that the issue of "whether I was suitable for writing" seemed to be irrelevant.

What’s important is that the process of writing a novel itself excites me.

Even if there is no financial reward, even if I keep hitting a wall, even if many people don't understand me, as long as there is someone who can understand the characters I write, even if there is only one person, then keeping writing is a valuable thing.

What's more, I always believe that even a dead tree can have spring.

After this, I will continue writing novels, and strive to let more people see each character through my pen.

Having said so much, perhaps only a few people can finish reading my entire rant, but if you have read this far, I think you must have also read the last three sentences.

Thank you for being with me all the way.

May you all be safe, happy and have everything go well in the future.

Finally, see you again.

(I have half a day to visit here)