Rebirth 70: I am a Koi

After Bai Hanchuan was discharged from the hospital, I fell into deep self-blame and fear. Every time I closed my eyes, the scene of that night would replay in my mind like a movie. Those mocking words and those contemptuous looks were like sharp knives, tearing my self-esteem and pride to pieces.

I became silent and had no appetite. I hid in my room all day, unwilling to see anyone or do anything. I left the matters of the planting base to others. I just wanted to be alone, as if I could isolate myself from the outside world.

"Jinli, what's wrong with you? Are you feeling unwell?" Bai Hanchuan noticed my abnormality and asked with concern.

I shook my head. I didn't want to talk, and I didn't want him to see how vulnerable I was at the moment.

"Is it because of what happened that night? Don't take it to heart. Those people are just looking down on us. We won't bother with them." He tried to comfort me, but his words were like sharp thorns that made me feel even worse.

I pushed him away, rushed into the room, and locked the door. I didn't want him to see how miserable I was, and I didn't want him to worry about me.

I curled up in the corner of the bed, letting my tears flow freely. I hated my own powerlessness, my own weakness, and even more, those who bullied us. I wanted revenge, I wanted them to pay the price, but what could I do?

I didn't know how long I cried until I came to my senses when there was a rapid knock on the door.

"Jinli, open the door. I'm Lin Xiao. I have something to tell you." Lin Xiao's voice sounded outside the door.

I got up and opened the door. Lin Xiao was shocked when he saw my red and swollen eyes and haggard face.

"Jinli, why did you become like this?" She held my hand and asked with concern.

I didn't say anything, just cried silently.

"You can't go on like this, you need to see a doctor." Lin Xiao said worriedly.

"I'm not going. I'm fine." I shook my head and rejected her suggestion.

"Jinli, listen to me..." Lin Xiao wanted to persuade me again, but was interrupted by me.

"I'm really fine, you don't have to worry about me." I suppressed the grief in my heart and forced a smile.

Lin Xiao wanted to say something else, but I pushed her out of the room. I closed the door and leaned against it, tears blurring my eyes again.

I know I can't go on like this. I can't let Bai Hanchuan worry about me, nor can I let those who hurt us go unpunished. I must cheer up, I want justice for me and Bai Hanchuan, and for myself! After Lin Xiao left, I sat alone in the room for a long time, replaying her words in my mind. I know she is doing this for my own good, and I know I can't be depressed like this anymore, but when I think about revealing the scars deep in my heart and exposing them to strangers, I feel extremely scared and resistant.

"Jinli, do you really want to live in the shadow all your life? Do you want Bai Hanchuan to see you so depressed every day?" Lin Xiao's voice sounded in my ears again, with a hint of severity and a hint of heartache.

I closed my eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks. Yes, I can't go on like this, I can't let the people who care about me worry about me, and I can't let those who hurt me succeed.

The next day, accompanied by Lin Xiao, I went to a psychological counseling center in the city. We were greeted by an amiable female doctor with gentle eyes and a reassuring smile.

In the clinic, I told the doctor all my experiences and feelings without reservation. The doctor listened patiently, asked about some details from time to time, and analyzed my mental state for me using his professional knowledge of psychology.

"Your current condition is post-traumatic stress disorder, and you need systematic psychological treatment." The doctor's words were calm and objective, but they were like a bolt of lightning that struck my heart.

I was stunned. It turned out that I was sick and not weak and pretentious as I had imagined.

"I will cooperate with the treatment." I took a deep breath and said in a firm tone.

In the following days, I followed the doctor's advice, took medicine on time, and received regular psychological counseling. During the treatment, I began to try to face my inner self and face the memories that once made me afraid and avoid.

"Have you ever thought about what is bothering you?" the doctor suddenly asked during a consultation.

I was stunned for a moment. I had never thought about this question seriously.

"Is it because of the ridicule and insults from those people, or because you feel that you have harmed Bai Hanchuan?" the doctor continued to ask, his tone gentle but sharp, as if he could see through the secrets deep in my heart.

I was silent, my mind was in a mess. Yes, what was I obsessed with? Was it because of those insignificant people, or because...

"Have you ever thought that the reason you were reborn..." The doctor was interrupted by me before he could finish his words.

"Have you ever thought about the reason why you were reborn..." The doctor's eyes were burning, as if to pierce through my disguise. I subconsciously turned my head away, avoiding her sight. Rebirth, these two words were engraved in my heart like a brand, reminding me of the pain and despair I had experienced.

"Don't you want to know why God gave you another chance?" The doctor slowed down his tone, but every word struck my heart.

Yes, why? I looked up suddenly, and countless images flashed through my mind: the scene of being bullied by my stepmother and stepsister, the grievance of being misunderstood by Bai Hanchuan, and the heart-wrenching death... Was I reborn again just to let me experience all this pain again?

"No, no..." I murmured to myself, with a strong desire to survive rising up from deep inside my heart. I can't be defeated so easily, I want to live on, and live more wonderfully than anyone else!

From that day on, I actively cooperated with the doctor's treatment, took medicine on time, learned relaxation techniques, and tried to face the memories that once frightened me. I knew that this would be a long and difficult process, but I would not give up.

Bai Hanchuan also noticed my change, he reduced his work and left more time for me. He accompanied me to the park for walks, took me to the movies, and used his broad shoulders to protect me from the wind and rain.

"Jinli, no matter what happens, I will be by your side." His voice was low and firm, like a warm current flowing into my heart. I raised my head and looked into his deep eyes, feeling an unprecedented sense of security.

Accompanied by Bai Hanchuan and Lin Xiao, I gradually came out of the haze and a smile reappeared on my face. On this day, Lin Xiao came to see me excitedly.

"Jinli, there is a charity event, let's go together!" She was holding a flyer in her hand, her eyes sparkling with anticipation.

I took the flyer, which had the words "Caring for Left-behind Children" written on it. My eyes fell on the young smiling faces, and my heart was moved.

"Okay, let's go together." I nodded in agreement, with a long-lost smile on the corner of my mouth.

On a sunny afternoon, we arrived at the event site...

On a sunny afternoon, we arrived at the event site. The innocent smiles of the children were like a warm light, dispelling the remaining haze in my heart. I played games with them, told them stories, and felt the long-lost happiness and relaxation.

Bai Hanchuan stood not far away, looking at me quietly, with a relieved smile on his face. Lin Xiao came close to me and whispered, "Look, I told you that going out for a walk would be good for you! Look at you now, you look much better!"

I smiled and nodded, a warm feeling welling up in my heart. Yes, I still have Bai Hanchuan, Lin Xiao, and so many people who care about me. I can't be defeated like this. I have to cheer up, for them and for myself.

After the event, we returned home together. Bai Hanchuan cooked my favorite braised fish, and Lin Xiao, as usual, chatted with me about all kinds of gossip while eating. Looking at their familiar faces and listening to their cheerful laughter, I suddenly felt that being reborn might really be a gift from God to me.

"Jinli, can I accompany you to the follow-up visit tomorrow?" Bai Hanchuan suddenly said. I was stunned for a moment, then nodded. I know that my illness is not completely cured, but I believe that with their company and support, I will be able to overcome the disease and regain my happiness.

The next day, I went to the hospital as scheduled. The doctor asked me about my condition in detail and showed a satisfied smile on her face. "It seems that you have recovered well." She said while writing something in a notebook, "However, if you want to completely get rid of the psychological trauma, you still need some psychological counseling for a period of time."

I nodded to show my understanding. At this moment, Bai Hanchuan suddenly asked, "Doctor, what do you think caused her to become like this?"

The doctor's eyes scanned back and forth between me and Bai Hanchuan. "Some things need to be faced and resolved by you two together..." She paused, her eyes fell on my wrist. "Covering up doesn't mean you can pretend nothing happened."