Pat Me Please

Yu Zhou didn't eat dinner that day, she thought a lot about it.

She was thinking that her mentality seemed to have changed.

Of course, she didn't feel that it was wrong for the audience to look forward to the fantasy lineup. The fault was her own, because her self-esteem was sprouting a little bit.

She felt that she didn't fit well with the so-called "dream lineup". Every one of them, including Xiang Wan, was shining brightly, but she was still the one who didn't deserve it in everyone's eyes.

It's hard to feel confident enough to feel good enough when everyone's expectations are on others.

Originally, she thought that she grew up with them. After all, she has successfully published, and 100,000 people have read her novels. Every day, a group of readers on her Weibo say good morning and good night. Her new Wen, I will not go back again, and there will only be 700 collections at the end.

But she never knew where the faint uneasiness in her heart came from.

Until she saw the speech of kowtow.

Until she found out that she minded this kowtow.

She began to understand that in her heart, like many spectators, she believed that her achievements today were due to the "Sacred Altar" radio drama, Peng Houzhi, and Su Chang.

Attribute it to her, the one person you least want to attribute it to.

Sometimes she hates herself for being too sensitive, and she keeps trying to tell herself, be more open-minded, you will be happy and attractive, don't be a jealous woman, don't let negative energy control you.

But she soon discovered that this is a paradox, because if she is not sensitive, it will be difficult for her to observe, imagine, experience and empathize, and it will be difficult for her to create words that touch people's hearts.

Sensitivity made her, and sensitivity hurt her.

Sensitivity makes her liked by others, and sensitivity makes her disgusted by others. Even self-loathing at times.

Whether spring is the season for ostriches to reproduce, Yu Zhou is not sure, but the ostrich in her heart began to grow, and then she buried her neck in the sand.

At first, she just rejected Su Chang's invitation to invite her to dinner, saying that she was busy writing a script.

Later, Su Chang commented on her Weibo, and she looked at the happy fans and friends below, and gave up her reply.

Then Su Chang called her that day, she fell silent after saying a few words, and then said, I am so sleepy, I want to sleep.

Of course Su Chang noticed her anomaly, but she told Su Chang that she was so tired writing scripts because of a headache.

However, at the end of April, the first script she had promised had not yet been sung by Su.

This time Su Chang knocked on her door.

She took time out of the project to come here, so she looked a little anxious when she opened the door, but she calmed down quickly, and she was still as faint as usual, like a moonlight that was shaped into a human shape.

On the contrary, Yu Zhou's condition was very bad. He hadn't washed his hair for two or three days, his face was bruised, and he had a few pimples on his chin. He was wearing a cotton long-sleeved nightgown and stood at the door looking at her.

A little startled.

She scratched behind her ear: "Why are you here?"

Su Chang frowned: "Why do you look like this?"

Yu Zhou walked in, very irritable: "It's so annoying, so annoying, I can't write it, and the script is too difficult to write, why don't you find a screenwriter."

Su Chang changed his shoes, put his bag on the shoe cabinet in the entrance, went to the bathroom to wash his hands first, and then came out with hand cream on, and said, "Do you want to wash your face first?"

"No, I'm very tired." Yu Zhou sat on the sofa, hugging his knees.

Her whole body collapsed.

Su Chang sat on another sofa and looked at her carefully: "Did you sleep yesterday?"

"Slept for two or three hours."

"Why don't you sleep or take a bath?"

"What do you know, all writers are like this, and all their creations are like this. Have you ever seen a great writer who is full of energy and heart?" Yu Zhou scolded her, but his words were very soft, not too hard.

Su Chang sighed: "If you can't write a script, I'll find a screenwriter for you, but what about your next draft?"

"I can't write it either." Yu Zhou said.

"Can't write it?" Su Chang didn't quite understand, "Isn't the outline all set? There are also episodes."

"Could it be possible to write the outline once it's set? Will it be automatically coded if the plot of the episode is complete? Is it so easy to write a text? You come!" Yu Zhou suddenly exploded.

Su Chang was taken aback, looked at her silently, then softened his tone: "Zhou Zhou."

"I'm sorry." Yu Zhou still hugged his knees, staring at the reflection of the two of them on the TV screen, in a daze.

She looked at it, and suddenly felt a little funny. She wanted to say, look, how well matched the two people are, one is wearing a shirt that is worth a lot of money at first sight, and the other is wearing a balled-up sleeve that is wrinkled. She couldn't see her pajamas in her reflection, but she knew that there was a small embarrassing blood stain on her back that hadn't been washed off.

Originally this one was going to be thrown away, but several sets of her pajamas hadn't been washed, and this one was already relatively clean in the closet.

Look at the two of them, what a match, just like the owner and a stray cat she picked up.

Su Chang really didn't understand writing, and when Yu Zhou was coding at home, she didn't let her disturb her, so she panicked a little.

She wasn't sure whether it was Yu Zhou's mental state that was a problem, or whether it was an inevitable stage for her to devote herself to writing at home full-time.

So she tentatively said softly: "Why don't you let it go for a while, I'll take you out and eat something delicious, okay?"

In fact, she was also very anxious, the phone in her pocket was vibrating all the time, she came here because of a senior's show, and there was already some opinion over there, but she had no choice, Yu Zhou didn't reply her messages for two days.

Only return one or two words each time.

"I'm not going, I have to wash my hair and take a bath." Yu Zhou was mourned again.

"I... I'll wash it for you."

"You wash for me?" Yu Zhou looked back at her and smiled, "What's the relationship between us, you wash for me."

Her tone was like a sneer, because she was mocking herself. What was ironic was that when Su Chang said just now, what she actually thought was that Su Chang, the proud girl with more than two million fans, wanted to give her a bath. It sounds ridiculous.

But what's even more absurd is that no matter what she thinks about Su Sing now, she has traffic considerations in it.

Of course, no one would say that she cheated on Su Sing's traffic, or relied on Su Sing to lead her to fly, but she just couldn't help thinking about it, couldn't help thinking about it.

She was sick again, worse than before.

You see, a radio drama requires her to kowtow to Su Chang, so if one day someone finds out that she is with Su Chang, then her whole family will have to kneel down for her.

Some people must have said that she has no virtue or ability, and that the ancestral grave was buried well.

Su Chang didn't make a sound, and Yu Zhou turned to look at her. Her face was a little pale, and she was slightly covering her stomach with her hands, as if she was in pain again.

Yu Zhou felt that she was also innocent.

But she had no choice but to sing to Su, "Go back, I want to stay by myself."

Su Chang didn't want to leave, but she didn't know what to say, so she just called her in a very low tone: "Zhouzhou."

"Don't worry, I'll give it to you when I'm done. I probably..." Yu Zhou paused for three seconds, then said suddenly, "Why don't we stop doing this drama."

What?

Su Chang frowned in disbelief, and stared at her sideways: "Why?"

"Because I can't write it."

"I can wait."

"It's no use waiting." Yu Zhou interrupted her.

The reason why I can't write it is because of you.

Su Chang had no choice but to lean forward a little bit, raised his eyebrows, and asked her: "What's the matter? Do you have any other plans?"

"Yes," Yu Zhou didn't want to drag anymore, "I plan to finish writing it first, and then give it to other production teams."

"Another production team?" Su Chang exerted a little force on the hand holding his stomach.

Yu Zhou hugged his knees and said nothing.

Su Chang took a deep breath, her stomach hurt unbearably, but she restrained herself and asked softly, "Which production team, do I know? If you want to make it for someone else, you can tell me, and I will help you refer."

"Why do I ask you to help me refer!" Yu Zhou turned his head, raised his voice, and gritted his back teeth hard.

It was rare for Su Chang to see Yu Zhou like this, as if the thorns all over her body stood up, but her hands holding her knees were shaking, as if she was holding herself up.

Su Chang's shoulders moved back, the phone was still vibrating.

She leaned over, turned off the phone, put it on the table, and "clicked".

Then she sat up straight as calmly as possible, looked at Yu Zhou and said, "You've made up your mind, you don't want to let nature take its course, do you?"

Because I don't want to entangle with her anymore, I don't want to cooperate anymore.

Su Chang felt it was ironic, she seemed to have returned to that day, and she was sitting here that day, listening to Yu Zhou as if she was in an ice cave, that she didn't want to continue with herself anymore.

It's just that it was better this time, Yu Zhou at least said a few more words to her.

It was better this time, she didn't have to carry so much luggage by herself.

Packing is a terrible thing, especially everything packed is a memory between them.

She heard Yu Zhou say: "Yes, I can't continue with you."

really.

Su Chang smiled calmly, and she said, "Zhouzhou, in fact, you can tell me directly."

Going with the flow would have two outcomes, no matter which one she would accept.

She has already had a withdrawal experience. This time, if there is no more cooperation, she will not appear in front of Yu Zhou again. Maybe it will be better as time goes by.

But she suddenly discovered a very cruel thing, that is, she used the wrong way of chasing Yu Zhou. Her name was forever bound to Yu Zhou's works and characters. Bai, is tantamount to exposing her scars again.

She had never regretted it so much.

When will it be better? She thought calmly and desperately.

Maybe it will never get better.

Thinking of this, her chest twitched and she let out a sarcastic chuckle.

This laughter disturbed Yu Zhou, she turned her face bluntly, first glanced at Su Chang's pursed lips, then at her turned off mobile phone, she said: "You go, there is a lot of work to do Looking for you, isn't it?"

Su Chang is a little bit broken, can't he even sit for a while?

She was really intolerable.

She asked softly, "Yu Zhou, what do you want from me?"

What do you want from me? It’s you who said you don’t want me, it’s you who said you still like me, it’s you who promised me to go with the flow and let me think that I can get back together with hard work, it’s you who agreed with me to make progress and gave me hope, and now it’s you who let me leave immediately you.

Her chest was convulsing like she was sick, and she was struggling to breathe.

She suddenly didn't understand why she did this, if she didn't like Yu Zhou, would everything be fine.

"I didn't ask you anything," Yu Zhou buried his head in his arms, his voice was weak, "I don't know what to do anymore, I just know that I'm in a bad state, can we separate, just, leave one time."

"You left me a long time ago, didn't you?" Su Chang replied tremblingly.

"You don't want me a long time ago," she finally stopped holding back, and cut the facts naked, "You never thought about wanting me. It's me, I'm the one chasing you. In fact, you don't have to make it difficult."

"Maybe you think that if I come to you again this time, I will not give up until I achieve my goal, but no, I also have self-esteem, and I don't want to be looked down upon by you. If you say, you really don't want to be with me, I won't See you again."

"Yu Zhou, I also have pride." She finally said this.

The word self-esteem caused Yu Zhou to collapse suddenly.

Her shoulders trembled, and she said in an even more trembling voice: "The fault lies in the fact that I have self-esteem."

It's so annoying why she has it too.

She can't happily say yes, I met a nobleman because of the smoke from the ancestral grave, I can kowtow to Su Sang and I can do two kowtows to Su Sang, I can say with a smile that I will be Su Sang's canary, you are envious Go ahead, I don't need any value. I'm just a salted fish. I sleep here in the first half of the night and there in the second half of the night.

But it's so strange, why do people have self-esteem, why do they still try to prove themselves even though they are really ordinary and mediocre?

Why is God Nuwa such an asshole? Why does she have to show her backbone even though she is so useless that she has no choice but to accept help from others?

After leaving Su Chang for more than half a year, her life didn't improve at all, and it got worse and worse. Later, she thought it was getting better, and it was all based on Su Chang's foundation.

Su Chang recruited her as a director, invested in radio dramas for her, and made her gradually popular. She could choose a publishing house, so that she had more readers, more people who loved her, and a few close friends.

But all of this stems from Su Chang's outstretched hand.

It's true, Su Chang is her reborn parents, she should kowtow to Su Chang.

She laughed mockingly, tears fell, looked at Su Chang, and said sincerely and cynically, "Su Chang, let me kowtow to you."

"What did you say?" Su's voice seemed to be crushed, and his lips trembled slightly.

"I said, I should kowtow to you. Everything I have today is from you." Yu Zhou said.

"Why do you think so?"

"Everyone thinks so!"

She couldn't bear it anymore, cried and said to Su Chang: "Everyone said that, they all said, I should kowtow to you."

"Who said that?" Su Chang's mandible protruded and tears filled his eyes.

"Netizens, that forum, those who don't know each other, those who are objective and calm." Yu Zhou sobbed hard.

"Why do you care what they say?" Su Chang wanted to reach out and pull her.

"How can I not care?" Yu Zhou cried, "They are talking about me, how can I not care? They are talking about my works, my characters, it is me, it is you, Su Chang, It's us."

She cried very hard, more and more desperate.

"Don't look at those boring things," Su Chang finally knew where the crux was, but she seemed to be losing Yu Zhou even more, she held back her sobs, and told her as calmly as possible, "They don't understand at all, what they said It’s all in their imagination, but in fact, there are many people who like you, support you, and treat you sincerely, and you are worth it. You don’t need to worry about the smog, just watch more good things, okay?”

Yu Zhou shook his head and said in a crying voice: "I am not you, I am useless, you are half a public figure, I said before, you are born to be looked up to, you have a natural strong heart, I am those people The kind of glass heart they mentioned, they know I have a glass heart, and they like to break it to see, come to laugh, and say that the eight imperial envoys came out to take one. Well, they proved that I really am, I am a glass heart."

"No one is born with a strong heart, Yu Zhou." Su Chang looked at her, tears finally rolled down.

This was the first time she cried uncontrollably in front of Yu Zhou, but her face was very calm, as if the tears were hanging on her face, and they were all wrong and inappropriate.

"No one," she repeated quietly, in a low voice.

In the ten years in the circle, she has experienced more than this.

"It's just that in one incident after another, I learn to distinguish what is valuable. For me, the support, love, encouragement, sincerity and love of the audience are valuable. I am willing to work hard for these things, and let them Stay in the dark forever." She sniffled lightly, eyes like a bottomless ocean.

Like the avatar she has used for ten years, it is deep and empty blue.

"Yes, you are very sensible," Yu Zhou laughed at himself, "but I can't do it."

"It's not that you can't do it. You can tell what is valuable, and you know what to spend time on. You are very smart." Su Chang shook his head.

"I have done a lot for you, really a lot, Zhouzhou. It's just that it's not that important to you."

Yu Zhou has always been very clear about it, but she has never thought that Su Chang's love is so valuable.

"I just realized today that you actually care about a lot of things. You care about Xiang Wan from the 'traversal' in your mouth, whether the little cow is coughing, whether Peng Yuzhi has sent WeChat to the little gangster, and every feedback from your readers, even Caring about the gossip, gossip, and jokes on the Internet, you can’t sleep because of them every day and night.”

"You are very thoughtful, I know, I understand. When we were just together, one time we went out to eat and was photographed by my old fan and posted on the Internet. In fact, it didn't spread widely because there were no keywords, so it A familiar old fan reposted more than a dozen. You said nothing, but in fact I woke up at 3 o'clock in the middle of the night and saw you in real time on Weibo, constantly searching for 'Su Chang' and refreshing, you are afraid .”

"You are afraid of spreading, afraid of being disturbed, I know, so after you fell asleep, I private messaged every old fan who forwarded it, and asked them to delete it. They were very kind to me and quickly cooperated to delete it. So, I'm online and never publish my private life again because you're afraid."

"Similar to the very small number of people who repost photos, I believe that those who say 'kowtow' are a very small part. Most of them will not have real malice. Most of them also know how to respect originality. He and Erchuang, both creators, will not say the word 'kowtow' to any party, but you just mind the few few comments, even if they don't occupy the mainstream at all."

"Do you know how much I hope that your mind will be used on me."

Su Chang smiled softly, still very gentle.

"You care about everything, you pay attention to all the details, you see all the good and the bad."

"But Yu Zhou, can you look at me?"

Standing in front of you, the real me.

Su Chang's tears couldn't be restrained, and wet a face that was as delicate as a person in a painting. Her crying was very quiet, like wetting a painting.

"You can't." She concluded in a low voice.

Bending down to pick up the phone, turned and left.