Issei

My mother asked me cautiously: "Chengyang, you are already thirty,... when are you going to get married?"

At that time, I was holding rice in a porcelain bowl printed with blue and white. The rice spoon was scooping up the white rice, and the heat was blowing on my face.

"Huh?" I asked.

I pressed the soft rice with a rice spoon and raised my head to look at my mother.

My mother hesitated to speak, turned her head hesitantly, and glanced at my dad who was also staring at me solemnly. My dad sensed her gaze, turned his head to look at her, and nodded slightly at her, so my mother sighed, and then Turning back, lowering his head, looking at the steam on the table, he continued dryly: "...you have never found a girlfriend, we asked you before if you like Yulin, and you said no... me and your dad , and I also want to see if we can still have grandchildren, and today, the Chinese New Year is here, so why don't you...give us a letter?"

I listened to my mother talking, my head drooped again, and the movement of my hands didn't stop. After adding all the food, I pushed the bowl to the fourth position on the dining table. No one was sitting there, only a table Black and white photo.

I didn't answer right away, so my mother fell silent too.

It was winter, and my mother closed all the curtains after nightfall. Now the bright light penetrates the cool air in the closed space, and the sound of the Spring Festival Gala comes from the TV.

I looked at the posthumous photo quietly. In the photo, Shen Yulin's face was always neat and young. When he smiled, two dimples appeared, and the thin bangs hung down in front of his clear eyes. I felt several bunches of summer. The soft sunlight of the day passed through his hair, although this is a black and white photo.

"I'm not getting married." I said abruptly.

"Why?" My mother immediately exclaimed, I looked up and looked over with a smile, my father's old wrinkles also twisted and twisted between the eyebrows.

I smiled and lowered my head.

I still didn't open my mouth at once, and I felt a long wave of sadness sweeping towards me from the vast wilderness, mixed with many bright bonfires, and a hopeless dawn.

These slightly heavy things in life make me laugh out loud.

"Let me tell you a story." I said.

I plan to tell them a short story that lasted 23 years. I have always been tight-lipped about Shen Yulin's request, and my ordinary life experience with him, so as to correct them: It is not that I like Shen Yulin. , but Shen Yulin likes me. He has liked me for 23 years and chased me for 11 years.

In the end, I did say what I planned, but I was a little absent-minded, and my eyes turned to a mysterious place in the white wall; I remembered the day Shen Yulin died, she corrected me with a smile, we once swore to God , on the definition of "a lifetime".

The year Shen Yulin died was [-], when he and I were both [-] years old.

We graduated from university at the age of [-], and later came to a small company together, so he broke the record again. After becoming my kindergarten, elementary school, junior high school, high school, and university classmates, he became my colleague.

Sometimes I am often shocked by his persistence and infatuation. For example, when he confessed to me on the night of junior high school graduation, I said: "You don't like me." He smiled and said: "No, I will like you For example, when I divided subjects in high school, I finally chose Immediately, but his science subject was so poor that I thought we would definitely separate. In the middle of the night, I saw him sitting under a tree with his legs crossed and crying, But the next day, he held up a list of subject volunteers and said to me with a smile: "Actually, I'm good at science." All the way to the red, I asked him: "I like girls, I can't like you. Is it worth ruining my future for me?" He didn't speak, just smiled, and finally patted me on the shoulder as comforting me.

I couldn't speak, he continued to smile with his eyes squinted, his brown eyes were as deep as ever.

After that, he worked hard for a whole year in the third year of high school, and heard from his mother that he often did problems all night.Of course he would not tell me these things. In my impression, he seems to be in good spirits every day. Except that he can sleep for 10 minutes every 1 minutes between classes, and he has to sleep directly until class every lunch break. He looks similar to me. It's the same as before.Once I asked knowingly, "You seem to be in good spirits."

"Of course," he said with a satisfied face, "after all, you are sitting with someone you like."

Then, he said, "There is one more word."

In any case, he ended up going to Southwestern University of Finance and Economics with me, majoring in finance, and his grades were even better than mine.So after graduation we went to the same company again.

In fact, I often can't understand the meaning of him always following me. I thought he should have a better life. After entering that company, I asked him together. He listened and asked me about the truth of my life casually. I was still speechless, so I looked at him blankly, and he smiled gently again, saying:

"As long as I'm happy."

That time when he was talking, he leaned over to hug me. After he approached me, he stared at my lips in a dazed way. I could see that he wanted to kiss me.Finally, he lowered his eyelids slowly, blinked his eyes, and gradually retracted his smiling face.

I thought he was going to cry, but he didn't seem to. He shook his head and buried his head in my shoulder.His breath hit my neck, and I felt a very desperate breath.

He's lying to me: he's not happy.

I didn't know what to say, but I just hugged him back.I think if he kisses me, I will not refuse. At that time, several years have passed since he confessed, and my first kiss, first night, and first love with him are still there.

Shen Yulin was [-] years old when he died. After graduating from our university, it has been a year since he applied to the company we worked for.

At that time, Chen Keshan’s life was already on the right track. Shen Yulin and I rented a house together in Wenchuan, Sichuan. Occasionally, he and I would nestle on the sofa and drink cans of beer in our free time.

He doesn't hold a lot of alcohol, but he likes to pull me to drink cup by cup pretending to be bold, so he will soon stop giggling, blushing, and enter the scene he once described to me when he was also drunk. A "strange sobriety".

When he is "awake", he likes to throw the slippers printed with SpongeBob SquarePants on the reflective porcelain white floor he mops, with bare feet, hugging SpongeBob SquarePants' pillows, curled up in the sofa, leaning against me softly Like me, I pretended to be engrossed in watching Yao Ming on the TV, but I wasn't.

His slightly drunken breath patted on my earlobe, his breathing was as gentle and quiet as if he was hugging me to sleep on the bed, but after a few seconds, he started to giggle unsightly again, then breathed again, then giggled again, and so on.

"Brother Chengyang~" When he was drunk, his voice would turn upwards, "I think we are together now~"

I probably didn't speak, but slowly sucked the can of beer in my hand in the dark night, and at the same time stared intently at the heroic Yao Ming on the TV screen.

But he suddenly became excited: "Brother Chengyang, you said 'um'!" Then he threw off the pillow in his arms, and when I was caught off guard, he quickly got up and hugged me, and then vigorously kissed me on the cheek kissed.

I turned my head in amazement and looked at him. His face full of peach blossoms smirked at me again. Then he put his arms around me, buried his head in my shoulder, and took a deep breath.

"Brother Chengyang, I love you." This time the ending didn't turn up.

So I was speechless, just said "um", and tried my best to say the evasion and perfunctory words very solemnly, and then hugged him back. When he rushed over, the beer splashed out of the can and wet my right hand, so I He just stretched out his left hand and patted him on the back lightly, holding the beer bottle with his right hand like a fool.

The only close contact I had with him before the day he died was when he kissed me on the cheek. The first time he kissed me was the night he graduated from junior high school.

He asked me out for a walk that night, with the excuse that "I have finally graduated from junior high school", and I accepted the invitation on time as usual every time I promised.

At that time, we were all still wearing our junior high school uniforms, and the uniforms on him made him look more youthful, romantic and ideal.

We walked a long way in the dark without saying a word, and then he grabbed me and I looked over at him.

He has always been shorter than me, and at that time he was even more judgmental. I saw him looking up at me with bright eyes, and said to me: "Brother Chengyang, I like you."

"We're all boys."

"I know."

"Don't like me."

"No, I just want to like you." He laughed, then leaned over and hugged me, attached my ear, and said, "Brother Chengyang, I want to kiss you."

When he came to hug me, I stood straight in the evening wind with my pockets in my arms, expressionless; when he came to hug me, I didn't push him away, nor did I hold him up as usual, and he went on to say that he wanted to kiss me , I said: "Okay." After a pause, "Don't like me anymore after kissing me."

He turned a deaf ear, put his hands on my shoulders, stood on tiptoe, turned his mouth up, and narrowed his eyes, staring at my lips meticulously and affectionately for a long time, then leaned over, paused, as if thinking, and finally He just kissed my cheek softly and reverently, then quickly backed away, put his tiptoe back, and looked at me with a satisfied and brilliant face.

I was silent. When I said "yes" before, I thought he wanted to kiss my lips. When he stared at my lips, I thought the same way. Maybe he really thought the same way, but anyway, in short, in the end He didn't.

Then he lowered his head, with the corners of his mouth curled up, and shook his head with a mocking smile, and then he raised his head again, looked at me with smiling eyes, stretched out a hand, and pulled out the hand that was in my pocket.I didn't get rid of him, and looked down at his movements: he opened my fingers one by one, and inserted his fingers one by one. After clenching tightly, he raised his hand and pointed at me. He waved it triumphantly, then took my hand and continued to walk forward, I didn't open it.

"Since when did you like me?"

"I don't remember clearly, maybe I have liked you since I was born."

"Shen Yulin, don't like me."

"why?"

"I like girls, but I don't like you. Don't torture yourself."

"No, I didn't torture myself; I didn't want you to like me either. I like you, and I'm very happy."

I couldn't speak, and several gusts of cold wind blew past, so we all fell silent, but when we walked forward, he held my hand tightly, and I felt trembling like ants crawling over.

I guess he is actually afraid that we will break up from now on, maybe he really doesn't expect me to like him, he just cares about my attitude.

He just doesn't want to be separated.

He was afraid that the road we walked hand in hand would be like a farewell journey.

Although I don't know whether his feelings for me can be regarded as love, and it is difficult for me to say "like" to a boy, and I am a little skeptical, but in any case, I understand a little bit.

So I didn't stay away from him later, he was slightly relieved, just to dispel his worries, when I took the initiative to hug him, he was more hesitant than before.But soon he returned to his original state, the only difference is that sometimes he would smile and say to me over and over again: "Brother Chengyang, I like you."

After he recommended himself to the teacher to be my deskmate in the second division of high school, one day he asked me with a smile on my face if I had forgotten the thing he confessed to me. I looked at his burning eyes and was speechless. Then he asked and answered himself, saying: Sure enough, he forgot, and then he shook his head slowly with a smile.

I know the reason for asking this sentence is because he was puzzled: Why can I, a straight man, accept a boy who likes me to be with me and allow him to kiss me on the cheek.Homosexuality has always been a twisted thing.In fact, I think it's okay, at least that person is Shen Yulin.

Shen Yulin and I are childhood sweethearts. His family and mine have been neighbors since we were young. We ticked off in kindergarten and said "forever". Time has changed the quality of my feelings for me, but I know: we never thought of giving up, this unworldly and frivolous oath, we will all follow it unforgettable.

So I have not forgotten that the fragrance of the camphor tree that night, the cool temperature of his palm, and his 23 years of life like my shadow are all engraved in my mind with blood.

It's just that I really don't like boys.