Issei

Later I also fell asleep, and when I woke up, I lay on the hospital, I stared at the white ceiling of the hospital in a daze for a while, then the doctor came in, and I asked the doctor: "Doctor, Shen... Where is the person with me?"

"Dead, lungs pierced by steel bars."

"Oh, okay, thanks."

So I collapsed again.

Later, I claimed Shen Yulin's body, and then received his ashes after the national unified cremation, and then I returned to Neijiang. When I got home, my mother cried in her arms, saying that she was afraid that I would die, and it was really too much to see me. Well, I nodded calmly and said: I'm fine, but Shen Yulin is dead.

My mother opened her mouth and couldn't speak.

Later we contacted Shen Yulin's parents. At the funeral, I saw Shen Yulin's parents again after many years.Their hair was all white, Uncle Shen's waist was sunken, and his head was almost on the ground. Aunt Shen was supporting him. I think they walked over, and they said to me: "It's been so many years, I'm sorry for you."I said: no trouble.

Uncle Shen struggled to straighten his waist, but he could no longer see the sky. In the end, he just sighed over and over again, his cloudy eyes looked at an inexplicable direction, and he continued: Yulin sent us a letter back then, the letter It said that he likes you, but you don’t like him. At that time, I still thought that Yulin would be so shameless, even the friends who grew up with him would not let go. Later, I didn’t see him for a long time, and I gradually saw him away. Yes, it's hard for you, listen to him, you know he likes you, and you still take care of him like that, you are much more open than us.Over the years, we have been sorry to him, and we are also sorry to you.

I said: I'm sorry.

Uncle Shen just shook his head: It's all right now, this bastard is finally dead.Uncle Shen was trembling all over while speaking, and finally tears flowed down. Aunt Shen was holding him and crying beside him.

We later found a beautiful cemetery for Shen Yulin, facing the thick and pure white clouds in the sky.

Afterwards, I returned to Neijiang at the request of my parents, and worked as a small employee in an investment company in Neijiang. Then, I followed the oath I made to Shen Yulin, and I also followed the "Lifetime" we ticked when we were young ", to start my ordinary and lonely new life again.

But I'm still not used to my life without Shen Yulin, so I edited the photos of me and Shen Yulin from childhood to adulthood. Among them, we were still in junior high school, and when he hadn't confessed, the photo of us shoulder to shoulder was captured by me. Put it in my purse, and at the same time I started to learn sculpture and pottery, and finally made a few statues and ceramics of Shen Yulin stroke by stroke, which are placed in my bedroom.In the end, I chose a photo of Shen Yulin smiling against the sun. After making it black and white, I framed it in a black frame and put it in the living room. Every time during the Chinese New Year, I would put him on the table as a table. The fourth person on the reunion.

Because of this, my mother once thought that I also liked men, and asked me if I liked Shen Yulin, but I couldn't get out after being hit by his death, and I said no, Shen Yulin would be my lifelong friend.

I was at a loss for a while when I thought of the words "a lifetime". I still didn't know what the meaning of life was, and Shen Yulin never answered me.

In fact, my mother was right about one thing. The death of Shen Yulin really hit me hard. After his death, my previous ambitions seemed to disappear suddenly.

My life is still three points and one line, but there is one less person, and I don’t feel sad, but my mother said that my walking speed is much slower than before, and I don’t know what to say.

In this way, seven years have passed, Shen Yulin is still [-], and I am [-].

My parents were silent for a while after listening to me.My dad started smoking, and he frowned, staring at the table in a deep cloud of smoke; while my mom started crying, she covered her mouth, her eyes were wide open, and tears kept streaming from their sockets.

I didn't say a word, I crossed my arms and propped them on my lap. Looking at Shen Yulin who was always smiling in the photo, I suddenly had the urge to cry.

After a long time, my dad spoke up, and he said, "...In the early years, I also thought that homosexuality was a disease." My dad paused, "I also think so now."

"When the kid from the Shen family graduated from high school, he told his family that he liked men, and your Uncle Shen beat him madly. Your mother went up to him, but I didn't. At that time, I thought: What if I like men? My family Chengyang likes men, I must beat him to death."

"Afterwards you brought Shen Yulin to live with us. One day when you were away, I said to Shen Yulin: 'Uncle is for you, don't like men, homosexuality is contagious', he then smiled and spent an afternoon explaining to me Homosexuality is normal, and homosexuality is not contagious, I can't persuade him, so I can only let him go in the end."

"Back then, his father kept hitting him on the head with a cane, and asked him who was the boy he liked, but he didn't say a word. Although I don't like homosexuality, I admire Shen Yulin's resilience. After that afternoon, I persuaded I can't live with Shen Yulin, but I thought: Shen Yulin sacrificed a lot for the person he likes, at that time your mother asked me: would Shen Yulin like you, I said: no."

"You are not worthy of Shen Yulin."

"So after Shen Yulin died, your mother and I asked if you liked Shen Yulin."

"Now it seems that we guessed wrong."

My dad just said this, he took another deep breath of the cigarette, and the sparks at the tip of the cigarette were brilliant, and he exhaled the smoke again, and his whole body was buried in the smoke.

After my dad finished talking, my mom almost finished crying too. She wiped away her tears and suddenly picked up the bowl full of food in front of her and threw it at me. I didn't dodge.She stood up, pointed at me, and growled, "Shen Yulin likes you so much, so I won't talk about it. If you don't like him, you can still get together, but what about you?"

"You say you don't like him, and you are in pairs and inseparable with him. He kisses your face, and you kiss his mouth. What did you say when you ticked 'forever' when you were young? Your mother said when I was young that I would marry someone else. Isn't the bride married to your father now?"

"Straight man, straight man, straight man! If you are a straight man, you can play with Shen Yulin like this? If you like Shen Yulin but don't say it directly, you have to say "good brothers for life", even if you didn't know that you liked Shen Yulin at that time Wouldn't it be over if you just rejected Shen Yulin? Will Shen Yulin die?"

"Will Shen Yulin die for you?"

"You're just relying on the fact that Shen Yulin likes you!"

"How I regret that I gave birth to a scumbag!"

"How I regret that my son is not gay!"

I didn't speak, but my dad said "Okay" after listening to it, my mom fell down under the seat and covered her face and cried, my dad looked at me for a long time on the other side of the smoke, and finally said to me: "Go take a shower. "

I nodded and stood up.

When I was taking a shower, I was thinking: "Have I really liked Shen Yulin all this time?"

I do not know.

Or, it should.

During the summer vacation of junior high school, one day a classmate came to my house to pay back my homework. He still had a disc in his hand and said that as a reward, he asked me to watch it. At that time, Shen Yulin was at my house. So the three of us watched it together.After releasing it, I found out that it was an A movie.That classmate's face was flushed, and I also set up the tent, but Shen Yulin's face was sober.

That classmate finally went to the toilet to solve it. After he came back, he asked us: Don't you use it?Both Shen Yulin and I said no.

The classmate smirked and said: Haha, let me show you something else.

So he played it again, and then the picture changed to two men.

I didn't respond, and neither did Shen Yulin.

But Shen Yulin said: He has liked me since he learned to like me.When he was still alive, I thought of it one day and asked, "Why didn't you respond back then, don't you like men?"

"I don't know," he said. "It doesn't feel right."

"Then will you be hard?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"...when I dreamed of you."

After Shen Yulin's death, I went to see the GV to verify whether I was bent by Shen Yulin, and then found that I still didn't respond, just like Shen Yulin said, it didn't feel right, and then I went to see the AV, and then I I found that I couldn't get up hard.

I don't know what's wrong with this.

It's just that I still miss Shen Yulin very much. When I think of him, I feel a sudden feeling.

I will feel that my 30-year-old life is only [-] years old, no matter how long my life is, I will only be [-] years old.When I was a child, I was too fascinated by the comic strips of "The Romance of the Three Kingdoms", and I ticked off the oath of "I don't want to be born in the same year, the same month, the same day, but I want to die in the same year, the same month, the same day". Xu Chengyang was already dead when Shen Yulin died. And now I am entrusted by Xu Chengyang and Shen Yulin, who are going to heaven, to live in ecstasy.

Apart from going to work without thinking aggressively, recalling, and carving Shen Yulin every day, the way to pass the time is to go online. I occasionally encounter the topic "Can straight men bend?" Curvy, a straight man who can bend is never a real straight man" will make you want to cry.

Shen Yulin once asked me if I liked any girls, I said no, I never liked any girls, Shen Yulin was always by my side.

I still remembered that when I had my first nocturnal emission, the person who accompanied me in the dream was Shen Yulin, but when I woke up, I felt incredible and embarrassed, so I asked myself to forget it over and over again in front of the mirror, so I really forgotten.

I also remembered that when Shen Yulin kissed me, I was actually not unresponsive: every time he just kissed my cheek gently and reverently, after that, I would occasionally have a few charming dreams, in which I kissed Shen Yulin, his lips were soft, and finally I fucked him.

I also remembered that Shen Yulin secretly kissed my lips one morning. I actually woke up a long time ago, but I always pretended not to know.

I seem to have remembered all these things that I have almost forgotten in a blink of an eye. My monotonous thinking suddenly became very colorful, and Shen Yulin's laughter and voice kept pushing me out in my mind.

They reminded me: Shen Yulin is dead.

I am sorry.

Shen Yulin, I love you.

Xu Chengyang

[-] midnight