I just want you to be well

It turned out that Wei Jun had been lying to me.He has been lying to me.

The rain outside hadn't stopped, and it was pattering against the window, which became more and more piercing.Dr. Xu and I sat quietly in the waiting hall outside Wei Jun's ward, not saying a word, and the silence was terrifying.

My heart is in turmoil.I bowed my head and clasped my hands, as if I were praying, as if trying to hide the uncontrollable tears.No matter how loud the noise outside was, no matter how well I concealed it, the irregular sobbing still couldn't be hidden from Dr. Xu's ears, even though she was several seats away from me.

I blame Wei Jun.So what if I knew he had AIDS?So what if I stay by his side all the time?The Grim Reaper is still inseparable by his side, making him alienate me step by step, and in this one-man show of wrestling, like an outsider, I foolishly believe in the joys, sorrows, sorrows and joys under his mask, but never really enter into it. Live the world in which he struggled against disease.

I blame him, but I blame myself more.As his bedside person, I care more about what he said to me yesterday, what he did to me today, and what will happen to me and him tomorrow, but I have never questioned him carefully. The reason, the slight trembling when he hugged me sweating all over, the more than 40 minutes when he used the toilet, the prevarication and impatience with my concerns and doubts.I didn't even know that he had already secretly taken the medicine without telling me, and silently endured the side effects of the aggravated condition alone.

I am used to the two-person world he has woven for me.I lost my IQ in his kindness to me, and in his love for me, I forgot the relationship between him living and dying with the disease.

It turned out to be me who slowly lost him in happiness.

He really made me live the "normal" life and "normal" relationship I expected from him.But he also made me feel how beautiful the dream is, how painful it is when it breaks.

I suddenly remembered that when he smiled at me, beside the invisible dimples, there were a few more hateful laugh lines that shouldn't have appeared.

I laughed at him, "Don't grow old so fast, or I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with your pace."He just smiled slightly, "I'd rather you never catch up in your life, I just like you the way you are now".

I suddenly realized that the tears had already blended with the snot in the closed hands so that it was impossible to distinguish.

"Mr. Yin..." Dr. Xu sat close to me and patted my back to comfort me.

I didn't have time to tidy myself up from crying, and asked Dr. Xu with an ugly face, unable to even speak clearly, "Why...why did you agree to him to lie to me? When he and I went to see you for the first time, I Really thought, he'd be fine... he'd be fine..."

Dr. Xu's eyes deliberately avoided me, with a guilty expression on his face, and he remained silent for a long time.

"If he hadn't been sent to the hospital today, would I have been kept in the dark for a year, a year, and a year, until he couldn't hide?"

"Did he never think about trusting me, afraid that I would leave him when I knew everything?"

"Why did he lie to me like this? Why?..."

I complained to myself while wiping away my tears, my skin was blushed.

Dr. Xu finally spoke, and confessed in a low voice, "He is afraid that you will be like this and cannot bear the pressure like him, so he doesn't want to confess to you."

"No... Impossible... No matter what happens, I will definitely stay by his side... He... It's not like he doesn't know..."

"He asked me so," Dr. Xu looked at me seriously, "He just doesn't want you to have too much burden, he thinks falling in love with him is a kind of sympathy, a kind of obligatory care, a way to let you not know a certain Will Tian suddenly want to leave the cage because he can't stand it?"

I was suddenly speechless, as if no matter how I continued to refute myself, how I explained how much I loved Wei Jun, I couldn’t lie to my heart, and I had to admit that I really enjoyed the relieved world created by his lies.

"He just wants you to treat him like other people who are not sick," Dr. Xu sighed, "In fact, he really loves you, and he is silently bearing everything for you, just so that you don't have to worry about his being sick. I don’t even care how long he can live. For him, even if he only has a few years left, as long as he can spend it with you, it is a lifetime.”

Doctor Xu seemed to understand Wei Jun.Her words made me wake up a bit, and I muttered to myself, "For a lifetime..."

She looked at me and nodded with some relief.

I forced a smile, then looked towards Wei Jun's ward.

I stood up and walked towards Wei Jun's ward.The sound of crying also gradually disappeared with the sound of my heavy footsteps.

I stood blankly outside the window, watching him wearing an oxygen mask and quietly enduring everything on the hospital bed, and my heart ached.I covered my lips, held back my tears, and pressed my fingertips against the cold glass window.

At this moment, how I wish it was the warm palm of Wei Jun.

*

I barely slept all night.At work, the team leader and colleagues also saw my haggard face.

"Did you not sleep well last night?" Senior sister asked kindly.

"Well, insomnia", I don't seem to be in the mood to talk to her.The senior sister also wisely returned to her desk.

I thought about going to the hospital to check on Wei Jun's condition at night. Although Dr. Xu said that Wei Jun was in a coma with a low fever and a nurse was taking care of him, I was still worried.His concealment at the beginning made me neglect to take care of him, so now I should spend more time by his side.

Unfortunately, things backfired. Due to the arrival of a new translation project, the team leader ordered us to work overtime tonight.At a quarter past eight, I cheekily knocked on the door and entered the team leader's office, and politely asked, "Team leader, can I leave early? I will finish the task remotely..."

He glanced at me, "What happened?"

"A very important friend of mine is seriously ill, and I want to go back and take care of him."

"What disease? Can't he (she) take care of himself?"

"He's in the hospital now and hasn't woken up yet. I'm afraid he will need me when he wakes up," I choked up.

The team leader looked at me with a serious face, as if it was difficult to refuse, "Is it him?"

I looked at him suspiciously, "Huh?"

"The friend who has been sending you home before."

I nodded, he seemed to see through something, and smiled politely, "Are you sure you don't need to ask for leave?"

I hesitated for a while, "...is it really possible?"

"Send me the translation manuscript you saved. I will reschedule other tasks for you when I go to work the day after tomorrow."

I was a little flattered, and quickly nodded several times to express my thanks.However, the team leader didn't raise his head this time, and continued to look at his computer screen and get busy.

I went back to the table, emailed the remaining unfinished manuscripts to the team leader, packed them in a hurry, took my handbag and left the company.

After arriving at the hospital, I went up the elevator on the second floor.When I turned the corner and was about to head towards Wei Jun's ward, I saw two familiar figures in the distance.

One is Dr. Xu, and the other is Wei Jun's mother.

Doctor Xu seemed to see me and waved to me.My aunt looked back subconsciously, and I could feel the tension and embarrassment at Wei Jun's house during the Spring Festival from a distance.

I greeted Dr. Xu, and at the same time looked at Wei Jun's mother, "Hello, Auntie."

Auntie's face was a little more kind, not as hostile as she was full of doubts towards me last time.

Dr. Xu introduced politely, "This is Mr. Wei's mother. She came to our hospital as soon as she got off the plane today. When he was sent to the hospital after fainting, the attending doctor who received him asked the nurse to contact his family first. .”

I nodded quickly, "It should be."

"Thank you, Dr. Xu, you are so beautiful and capable. If it weren't for you, our family Wei Jun would not know what to do if something happened to him."

"Auntie, you are too serious." Dr. Xu smiled at his aunt. "This is my duty as a doctor. You should thank the passer-by who brought him to the hospital, as well as the attending physician at that time. It was the resident physician." Let the nurse check his physical examination information, and then let me come back from the testing center department to the emergency department to continue to follow up on Wei Jun's situation."

Dr. Xu suddenly looked at me, "You also have to thank Yin Le behind you, he has really paid a lot for your son."

My aunt turned around and looked at me. I shook my head quickly and smiled awkwardly, "No. On the contrary, I didn't take good care of Wei Jun. Otherwise...otherwise he wouldn't be lying in the hospital now..."

My aunt suddenly patted my arm, "Doctor Xu has already told me everything."

I suddenly burst into tears, why did my aunt's attitude suddenly become so gentle and kind.

Dr. Xu said with a smile, "You have tried your best, don't blame yourself so much. He will wake up soon."

I nodded and took a deep breath.

After Dr. Xu left, only my aunt and I were left outside the ward.

She looked at Wei Jun through the window, "How long have you been with Wei Jun?"

I was a little surprised by my aunt's question, "Yesterday happened to be our second anniversary."

"It's been a long time...", her voice has not changed, but the volume is slightly lower, but it is much softer than when we met a year ago.

"How is Auntie doing this year?"

"It's the same way." She stared intently at Wei Jun's bed, "It's been most of my life, so I just came here."

I remained silent, as if wanting to continue listening to her.

"Has Wei Jun ever fallen ill like this before?"

"No", I looked worried, "He always looks very energetic in front of me, but his body occasionally feels uncomfortable"

It suddenly occurred to me that he sometimes borrowed the toilet and didn’t come out for a long time. There was even a certain period of time when he used the company’s overtime as an excuse to get home very late.

"His character is very similar to that of his father," said the aunt with a smile. "It's obvious that he can't do it, but he insists on being brave. They are exactly the same when they lose their temper. They are very stubborn..."

"Really?", I was a little emotional.

"Auntie", although I don't want to ask, but if I don't ask, there always seems to be a thorn in my heart.

Her head turned towards me.

"You... have you and uncle forgiven Wei Jun?" I asked hesitantly, "Wei Jun has always missed you. Especially after the Spring Festival, he will always tell me your stories intentionally or unintentionally."

"If I didn't forgive you, would I be here today?", she sighed and shook her head.

"us?"

She smiled and said, "Otherwise? Could there be a mother who hates her son for the rest of her life?" She sighed deeply, "Rather than forgive, I can only accept the arrangement of fate."

I looked a little puzzled and looked at her curiously.

She lowered her head and said, "The first time he told us that he liked boys, I felt that his life was going to be over. For so many years, I have refused to admit this fact until he brought you again In front of us", she looked very helpless, "I should not be able to change him. And he... he was so seriously ill...", I could hear my aunt sobbing.

"Auntie", I patted her on the shoulder, trying to comfort her.

"As soon as I heard the news that he fell ill, I immediately asked my neighbor to help me buy a plane ticket online. I used to travel with his father in a group, and I didn't know how to book a plane ticket...", she was a little emotional, "I I told his father, but his father was still stubborn and refused to come. But I know that father and son in the world will not have an overnight feud."

My aunt grabbed me suddenly, "Wei Jun will be fine... right?"

I nod desperately.

"I went to Beijing before... some gay center... I asked them if AIDS could be cured, and they said that it would be cured by taking medicine..." I could see my aunt's tears rolling down the corners of her eyes, "I just now I asked Doctor Xu, and she said that Wei Jun can still live for a long time."

At this moment, what my aunt wanted in her heart was exactly what I thought.It's just that this time, I don't want to expose this lie.

"Yes, Wei Jun will be fine," I kept comforting my aunt.

"Xiao Le, right?" Auntie wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes, "You live with Wei Jun, right? Can we go back tonight? I want to make him some porridge. If...he wakes up tomorrow morning, at least he can Take a sip."

I nodded quickly, "Yes, I'll take you back. I'll do it with you tomorrow morning. It's not too early now, and you can go to bed earlier."

My aunt and I returned to Wei Jun's apartment like this.The aunt looked at the messy living room and complained, "Don't you two clean?"

After speaking, she started to help us clean up the debris on the table and the dirty clothes and towels thrown on the floor.

"Auntie", I stepped forward to help, "I'll come. I have been busy with Wei Jun's affairs these two days, and I don't have time to clean the house carefully."

When the careful aunt was tidying up the room of Wei Jun and me, she saw various group photos of us on the desk.When I entered the room, I saw her standing blankly in front of the photo frame, "Auntie?"

"Have you been to many places?"

"Not really. They were all taken while shopping around Shanghai on weekends."

She pointed to a picture of Wei Jun and I taking a photo together in West Lake, "Where is this?"

"Hangzhou West Lake."

"What about this?"

"This one was shot in Nanjing."

"I've been here with his dad."

"Are you talking about Hongya Cave in Chongqing?"

"Oh", the aunt seemed to realize suddenly, "So this is Hongya Cave, we always remember it wrong."

"We only went there on May Day a while ago."

"I went there with his father four years ago, and the night view was beautiful."

I nodded and looked at my aunt in front of me, feeling that she was slowly understanding our world, trying to understand another way of happiness that we had instilled in her back then.

"Actually, you two look a lot like brothers."

"Really?", I laughed.

"Well. I remember Wei Jun complaining to me when I was young, why other people have younger brothers, but he doesn't. I just took it as a joke at the time."

I suddenly asked seriously, "Auntie. Do you really not hate me?"

Aunt looked puzzled, "Hate you?"

I was silent.

"It used to be. Now look at it." She gently joked, "There is nothing wrong with having an extra child. The most important thing is that Wei Jun likes to be with you, doesn't he?"

I don't understand what my aunt means.Does she think me and Wei Jun are just a brotherhood she imagined?Does it mean that her heart will accept it better if she thinks this way?After all, brothers and sisters, she also has an extra son, so from outsiders' point of view, there seems to be no problem.

But, in my heart, I am Wei Jun's lover, this is a fact that cannot be distorted.

However, as long as my aunt is willing to accept me and Wei Jun, no matter how she compares our relationship, I don't care.

That night, I slept on the sofa in the living room.I don't know how my aunt will feel when she sleeps in Wei Jun's bed with me for the first time.I only hope that when we arrive at the hospital tomorrow morning, Wei Jun has already woken up, and as usual, he coaxed me, "Good morning, my baby Xiaole."

*

"Doctor Xu, the patient's fever has subsided," the nurse said as she walked out of the room.

Dr. Xu walked into the ward to check on Wei Jun's condition.When he came out, a smile appeared on his previously tense face, "He's awake."

My aunt and I looked at each other at the same time, with joy on our faces.

"Can we go in and see him now?" asked the aunt anxiously.

"Yes. But Wei Jun has just woken up and is still in a weak state. You'd better go in and see him one by one."

Seeing my aunt's anxious expression, I put my hands on her shoulders and sent her into the door intentionally, "Auntie, go and meet Wei Jun first."

My aunt turned around and looked at me, smiled politely, and walked in directly.

I watched them both from the window.As soon as the aunt entered, she nervously patted Wei Jun's head, as if to check whether he had a fever.She sat next to Wei Jun, and the picture was like a Chinese textbook in a very elementary school. A mother cared about her sick child, poured water for him, and asked him how he was.After less than 10 minutes, Wei Jun seemed to be saying something to his aunt. She looked at me outside the window, then let go of Wei Jun's hand, got up and walked out towards the door.

"Wei Jun wants to see you."

Although it was just five simple words, I could feel Wei Jun calling for me from my aunt's message.I nodded quickly and walked slowly into Wei Jun's ward.

These two days have been guarding the door, although I often look into the ward, but never really come in.The air in the room was much fresher than the turbid smell of the hospital. Wei Jun, who was wearing a light blue horizontal-striped hospital gown, looked particularly vicissitudes against the pure white sheets.A big bottle of intravenous drip hit his left hand, giving him life infusion and continuing his life.

I approached his bed slowly and sat down.I held his right hand tightly, "Wei Jun", with tears in my eyes, I looked affectionately at him lying weak on the hospital bed.

"I'm sorry..." Even with the oxygen mask on, I can still feel the sincere guilt in his fiery eyes, "Are you... still angry?"

I shook my head desperately, and put my head on the hands we held tightly, "As long as you wake up, all anger will disappear."

After knowing that my anger was gone, he happily used all his strength to smile at me, "That's great."

I kissed his right hand to let him know that all I care about now is him and he can't just fall down like this.

"Xiao Le...", his weak voice was very low, "You know what?"

I slowly raised my head and listened quietly to what he said.

"I really don't want to lie to you. But, I suddenly had such an idea at that time."

I can't seem to hold back my tears from streaming down my face.

"I think... If my lies are the only way to protect you and make you love me at ease, then I would rather keep lying, but in the end, I was discovered by you."

At this moment, I can clearly hear the teardrops dripping on our tightly clasped hands.Wei Jun's teardrops were drawn from the corners of his eyes and strung together one by one, he asked me in a low voice, his voice was a little worried, "If you regret it now and want to leave me, it's not too late."

I put on an angry face, "What time is it, and you still say such bad words."

"I'm serious," he couldn't hide his guilty look even with a scumbag on his face.

"I didn't regret it before, I don't regret it now, and I won't regret it in the future." I looked at him seriously, "You can't get rid of me."

"But I...I can feel...the time I spend with you is running out."

"Don't talk nonsense. It's still a long time. We agreed in Beijing before for a lifetime."

He smiles, even though he knows it's just a lie, "Yeah. Halfway to my first love."

"That's right, you and your first love are nothing at all." I still couldn't help crying back, "I just want you to be well, well, you will definitely get better."

He didn't say anything, just squeezed my hand tighter.

"I'm serious, you're going to be fine."

"Hmm," he gazed at me tenderly, moving his fingers back and forth between mine.I told him to lift his hand and put it lightly on my face.I closed my eyes, enjoying the first lingering warmth from him after waking up.