I just want you to be well

Now, I am more and more afraid of looking in the mirror in the mirror, and even feel sick.My weight was at the lowest point I had ever seen in my life, my arm muscles were wrapped in thin skin, and the outline of my chest was only a solid skeleton.What adorned my face was not only a messy beard, but also winding and chaotic wrinkles, and empty eyes.

Whenever Xiao Le looked at me carefully, all I saw in his eyes was an uncle who had been tortured to the point of ruin.That is not a masterpiece of years, but a serious illness.

Xiao Le always pretended to be optimistic, calmly put on a cute smile as always and said, "You are still the Wei Jun in my eyes."

"If you continue to open your eyes and talk nonsense, be careful of me..."

I coughed again and again.This situation has been going on for more than a month.

Dr. Xu told me that when I returned to Beijing, I went to Ditan Hospital to find her good friend from college, Director Wang.She had contacted Dr. Wang beforehand and probably knew about my current illness stage.Perhaps, he can give me the greatest help in my remaining days.

Sure enough, within two months of my return, I fell into a coma in bed again with a fever due to a viral infection.When my consciousness was the most blurred, it was my mother and Xiao Le who escorted me into the taxi together, and I vaguely heard my mother's urgent urging voice, "Driver, hurry to Ditan Hospital!"

I could feel the movement of the wheels in my eyes, and the flickering of the light on my eyelids.My mouth seemed to be covered with something, and my limbs limp on the bed, accompanied by severe coughing and vomiting from time to time.In the end, he passed out without a heavy load.

At that moment, I felt like I was liberated.

When I woke up again, it was like the scene when I was in the Shanghai hospital.Patient gowns, oxygen masks, infusions, harder bed boards.Everything is so familiar.However, the ward this time is single, and the space is much narrower.

Xiao Le, who was holding the computer in his hand, saw me wake up, so he didn't care where to put his computer, and directly held my hand, "You finally woke up! Do you want some water? Are you hungry?"

Before I could react, he got up and went out, "No, I'm going to call Director Wang over..."

Watching his leaving back, I was tormented in every possible way.The moment he walked out the door, I vaguely saw two familiar figures outside the window.They first faced Xiao Le, and then looked towards my ward.

After a while, Xiao Le and her mother disappeared from my sight, leaving a lonely figure behind.That was the back of his father, but why did he look so much weaker?No.When I got home two months ago, he was a lot thinner.

I learned from my mother that although my father kept complaining about the fact that "I am gay", he had been worried about me running away from home again for the past two years, especially my illness.Occasionally at night, he would use his computer alone to help me find various treatments for my illness. He would also go to a large hospital to register in person and ask doctors and nurses for help, and even went to a Chinese medicine doctor to get me medicine for my body.However, every time he took the medicine, he just piled it up at home. One day, his mother found out the big bag full of Chinese medicine smell from the kitchen cabinet, and then she realized that he had been doing these things secretly for a year.

I thought he was unwilling to send the medicine out of face, and my mother wanted to pick out Chinese medicines that hadn’t expired and send them back to Shanghai, but my father, who knew everything, stopped my mother, “Don’t bother, these Chinese medicines can’t cure them.” He, I was just trying to find peace of mind."

Mother will never forget his sigh when he could speak.

On the day he returned to Beijing, he went to the airport to pick him up early.His face was still serious, but his eyes were no longer full of hostility, and his tone was relatively gentle.What surprised me even more was that after returning home, he would take the initiative to chat with Xiao Le.

Once at the dinner table, his father asked Xiao Le, "Do you like football?"

Xiao Le shook his head.

"What about basketball?"

Xiao Le shook his head again.

My mother and I looked at each other and smiled, and my father was a little impatient, "Don't you have any favorite sports?"

"Does running count?"

My mother and I laughed, only to see that my father was just eating in silence.

With a dazed face, Xiao Le pushed me with his elbow and whispered, "What's going on?"

I replied softly, "My dad has been asking me these questions non-stop since I was 12 years old...but every time he is the only one at home drinking beer and watching the football game silently."

Xiao Le instantly understood what I meant: my dad is a football fan.

"Uncle, if you don't mind that I'm a layman, I can still watch the World Cup with you."

Father's eyes seemed to be shining, he nodded slightly, and continued to eat.

However, before this was realized, Xiao Le had offered to move out of my house and moved into a small apartment community near Ditan Hospital.

This is what my mother told me afterwards.Although Xiao Le explained to my parents that she just wanted to be closer to the hospital so that it would be more convenient for her to come and take care of me.But my mother and I knew in our hearts that he was still brooding over the phrase "that's my nephew, come and stay for a while" that my father said to the neighbors before.

It's not so much that he moved away to take care of me, it's better to say that he didn't want to cause unnecessary trouble to my parents' life.A strange man suddenly lives in another man's family one day, can others not gossip?Perhaps in Xiao Le's heart, he always felt that he did not belong to this family.It's just that I live in his world, not my family.

*

Since the fall, Director Wang has detected that the T4 cells (lymphocytes that resist the virus) in my body are decreasing, which shows that the drug resistance in my body is approaching the critical point.In order to prevent viruses that may invade at any time, my parents agreed to be hospitalized, allowing me to stay in the hospital for care and treatment.

This time, the distance between me and my parents and Xiaole has become even further.They can no longer visit me in the ward without permission from the doctor.

Director Wang would bring a nurse to visit me every day to check whether there were other abnormalities in my body.In addition to wearing general hospital attire, they will also put on transparent disinfection clothing, masks and gloves, and enter the house with various small instruments.I lay weakly on the bed waiting for the cold needle to pierce my veins, and watched the cloudy blood leave my body bit by bit.

If draining them would kill HIV, I'd rather die with them that way.

They always pretended to be optimistic in front of me and said, "Today's mental state is good."But I knew in my heart that my body was weakening day by day.My cough is getting worse and worse, and even thinking about breathing several breaths on my own has become a luxury.

Xiao Le will discuss with her mother every day, who will cook the meals for this day, and who will be responsible for applying for which time to visit me.Even sometimes, they would be considerate enough to listen to the doctor's advice and let me stay alone in the room for a day to recuperate.But they will always watch me lying quietly in the window outside the room, like a living dead.

Although I can talk and I can move about on my own, it will take a lot of my energy and air.Under normal circumstances, it is the nurses who help me change clothes and infusions every day, while Xiao Le and her mother put on transparent sterilized hospital gowns, masks and gloves, help me feed in the room, talk with me, let me Not so lonely.It's just that I'm more like their listener.

Xiao Le would talk to me about his current part-time job, the anecdotes he encountered on the way to the hospital, talk about his mother's recent situation, and complain that his father has been aggressive and wants him to go home during the Spring Festival and inherit his father's business.Occasionally he would tell me some great principles of life, such as the meaning of life.

Although I am very happy to see Xiaole every day, listening to his gentle voice and humorous tone share his life.But I can no longer use my body to comfort him when he is unhappy, when he is hurt.I can no longer touch every inch of his skin, those lovely lips and that smooth face.Now he can only contact my body with sterile gloves, and transmit every word to my ear through the mask.Even touching his head has become a taboo for me.I can't even remember the last time I kissed his lips, stroked his face, touched his smooth hair.We, who have no skin-to-body relationship, can only communicate with love and spirit.This may be the legendary Plato.

But that's not the fact that breaks my heart the most.What really makes me regret is that my future self can no longer appear in the blueprint of life he conceived.The family of one cat, one boy and one girl that we once imagined together may no longer exist, or it may be a new life for Xiao Le and other men.Whenever I am alone, I always cry secretly thinking about it.

But it's not just me who is crying?When my mother heard Dr. Wang say that my condition was getting worse every day outside the ward, she couldn't help but ran to the bathroom to wipe away my tears, and then continued to instill in me an optimistic view of the disease as if nothing happened.She said that her biggest wish in her previous life was to have a son and become a dragon, and she hoped that I would marry a wife and have children.Later, her wishes became more extravagant. She just wanted me to live happily and healthily, as long as possible.Whenever watching her try her best to pretend to be happy in the moment, why don't she look haggard and pitiful?

The father's alcoholism was exacerbated by the mother's dictation.He drinks at least three bottles of draft beer almost every night, even if he does not eat, he must drink.He already had liver problems, wasn't he committing slow suicide?No matter how his mother persuaded him, he remained stubborn.

The mother always sighed helplessly, "Don't blame your father for not coming to see you often. He has to drink every day to fall asleep. He said that he only thinks of you when he sleeps."

Their love for me has become a kind of responsibility, and this kind of responsibility is the heaviest burden I bring to them.Sometimes, I think, if I ended my life earlier, would their life be better?

*

Today Xiao Le, in addition to the usual disinfection kit, also showed me the mobile phone in the disinfection bag. A new life appeared on the screen, a baby orange cat.

Even though I was wearing an oxygen mask, I still laughed happily, "Who raised this?"

Xiao Le made a smirk, "Guess what?"

"Don't tell me you raised it?"

"I let my uncle and aunt raise me."

I was a little surprised and coughed a few more times.Xiao Le quickly poured me a glass of water and asked me to drink it right away.

"How did you convince my parents to have a pet?"

Xiao Le began to tell the story, "Two weeks ago, my uncle came to my apartment and said he wanted to chat with me. I thought my apartment was too small, so I went out with my uncle to relax. By the way, we chatted." He raised his head slightly, even though there was only half of his face left, his profile was still beautiful, "We passed a pet hospital. I saw a baby orange cat placed in front of the window cabinet, so I I stopped. My uncle began to ask me why I was interested in pets, and I told him about the family blueprint we had conceived before. After hearing this, my uncle seemed to be thinking deeply."

I asked curiously, "And then?"

"It seems like a week has passed. He called and asked me to accompany him to the pet hospital. He said that he would come here unconsciously in the past few days, and then looked at the orange cat, as if he saw you when he was a child." Xiao Le's eyes were filled with tears, "He said... why don't you take it home."

I was in tears and didn't know what to say.

"I checked with him repeatedly and asked him a lot of questions like 'Uncle, are you really going to take it home? Have you asked your aunt?'. He said that my aunt would not object. He said that if you I really left, maybe when I saw this cat, I thought of you."

Xiao Le held back her tears and continued, "On the way back, he asked me if I would like to move back to your house temporarily, because renting a house in Beijing costs a lot by myself. But I still rejected your father. But...", Xiao Le lowered her head, her voice was covered by tears, "He finally asked me hesitantly, if he is free in the future, can he go back and see him and his aunt..."

This is the first time I saw Xiao Le's tears no longer about me.I stretched out my left hand covered with sporadic red dots to him, and he held me gently, as if afraid of hurting me.

"By the way, baby, we named this new member Xiaowei."

I laughed after hearing it, "Did you use the onomatopoeia, do you really treat me like a pet?"

"We just want you to come back to us as soon as possible."

"Aren't I always there?"

Xiao Le's tears couldn't stop flowing down, dripping and hurting my left hand.

How I wish I could hug him in front of me, take a look and hug this new member named Xiao Wei for myself.

Sure enough, my mother came over the next day and introduced this new member to me.She was a little angry on the surface, and kept complaining that her father took a baby cat home without his consent. She thought that she didn't even have time to take care of me, so she used extra time to take care of a cat?But then, the mother smiled and imitated the father's tone and asked herself, "I can watch the cat at home."

I was so amused on the bed that I could probably imagine the facial expressions of my father when he said this.It was rare for my mother to smile so heartily.In the past, in this ward, she always frowned and smirked.

*

"Xiao Le, what do you plan to do in the future?" Even though I resist in my heart, I still hope that Xiao Le can plan her future as soon as possible.

"No plans," he just looked at me with a faint smile.

"I'm serious. What are you going to do when I'm dead?"

He sighed and comforted, "It's too late to worry about you now, how can you have time to think about the future?"

"You said you wanted to write a book. Why don't you write a book about our story after I die," I said with a smile.

"Shut your crow's mouth. Don't keep saying 'death', I feel very uncomfortable," he said angrily.

"But I'm serious. Since you have always wanted to do this, why don't you insist on giving it a try? You can start with our story, and maybe you will become more successful as you write it?"

He just kept his head down, looking very hesitant.

I pretended to be generous and smiled and said, "Your future cannot be stagnant because of my absence. After I leave, you will have a lot of time. Remember to make good use of it to realize your interests and your dreams. Dreams. The black and white life you spent with me should come to an end."

Xiao Le was silent for a while, holding back her tears, "There is no black and white, all I see in your eyes is a rainbow... You know, I have never regretted being with you, even now, I also... "

He was still too choked up to speak.

I looked at the man in front of me affectionately. He seemed to understand that he should have re-planned his future.It's just that he doesn't want to admit the fact that there will be no more me in the future, and he doesn't want to take this step automatically.

For him, this is a step, not only a big step in the growth of his life, but also forgiveness for my absence and release of my departure.Only, I don't know how long it will take him to actually step out.

I can understand that he can't let go of his obsession with me at the moment, and he can't have the passion and motivation to think about the future.For that, I am eternally grateful.It's just that I can't even bring him into the abyss of future pain so selfishly when I die.I had to make him face the facts and recognize himself.Even without me, he can live well.

For the people I love the most and dearest in my life, I live one more day, they seem to have received a gift from God, and they are grateful for such a miracle.But even so, they will gradually accept the fact that I will leave in the daily life of taking care of me repeatedly and in the repeated reports of Dr. Wang.

No matter how numb the days of caring for me, I still believe that they are trying to find their own way to rehearse, practicing the days without me in the future.

Their lives seem to be getting better, while mine are getting worse.

Sometimes, I look at them and wish time could stop.I am afraid that I will leave this world without warning in the baptism of time, and I will not even have time to say the simple "I love you" to them.

I suddenly remembered that life is a journey to death, but it is not the end of life, but a change of place.But I am so nostalgic, I just want to continue to linger here.I finally met my true love, and finally welcomed the long-lost love from my family. Why did God take me away at this time?

This is really unfair.

So unfair.

I gritted my teeth and lay on the bed, but I had no strength to fight back against fate.I am well versed in the principle of "self-inflicted evil", and I also understand that there is no medicine for regret in the world.

But if this is the price for me to meet Yin Le and exchange for the understanding of my family, I have a hundred thousand wishes in my heart.