Being-Towards-Death

It was night, and the quiet and comfortable fishing village was rarely bustling with activity. The older girl and the younger daughter-in-law leaned against the door with their children in their arms, whispering and pointing at each other from time to time; , It’s him, it’s really like it... Are you coming back to recognize your ancestors? Lao Lin’s family has a descendant... Bodhisattva bless you, Bodhisattva bless you."

Shi Guyuan calmly walked between black and white in the eyes of everyone.The village head, who had heard the news earlier, pulled him up and down to look him up and down, and was too excited to speak; when he saw the delicate red mole on his palm, tears welled up in his eyes.

Shi Guyuan withdrew his hand reservedly, and said, "You probably misunderstood the person. My surname is Shi, not Lin. Is there a hotel here? I will stay here for a few days."

He knew exactly who the villagers recognized him as, but it was a pity that the same person had different fates, and those who died could not come back to life.

The village chief lost his hand, grabbed his sleeve instead, wiped his tears and said, "Son, I don't know how you came back. It's good that you can come back. It's fate to be able to come back. It's getting late. You should come to my house first. Let's talk slowly at night."

Shi Guyuan said: "Don't bother me, I'll just go to the hotel."

"There is no hotel in our village, it's not a scenic spot, and no one comes here on weekdays;" a bold little daughter-in-law spoke while breastfeeding the child, Shi Guyuan glanced at her and then looked away; the little daughter-in-law chuckled He and his sister-in-law whispered in dialect, "...you're still ashamed..."

The village chief greeted a group of young men, unloaded Shi Guyuan's backpack with the enthusiasm of a bandit, dragged him to his home, and said proudly: "You are welcome, there is no trouble, you haven't eaten yet, wait until I let you eat." Auntie is cooking, and it just so happened that I caught a batch of seafood today, you are so lucky!"

Shi Guyuan is like a puppet, surrounded by good-hearted villagers, led by the village chief to eat and stay; the village chief's home is not far from the sea, and he eats a rich and wild seafood feast in the courtyard, with the roar of the waves in his ears.The village head opened a bottle of self-brewed wine, poured half a glass for Shi Guyuan, and said drunkenly: "I was scared just now, no outsiders have come to our village, everyone is very happy... happy..."

A few moths under the incandescent lamp, Shi Guyuan turned his head to look at them for a moment, and said to the village chief: "I came to inquire about this person."

He took out a photo of senior Chi Yu from his pocket and pushed it over. It was a photo of Chi Yu and his senior when he graduated.At that time, the investigation was mainly focused on Chi Yu, so only this picture of his senior was attached to the folder, which was far less than that of Chi Xiaoyu and her mother, but it was clear enough for Shi Guyuan to recognize Chi Yu clearly. Yu thought he was something.

The village head narrowed his eyes, waved his hands, and said, "Don't look at it, it makes me sad."

Shi Guyuan asked bluntly, "Do I have anything to do with him?"

"Yes," said the village chief, "you... I was the one who contacted you."

He took a sip of wine, and the wine cup bottomed out. Shi Guyuan knew that as a junior, he should fill up the elders at this time, but his body and soul were divorced, and his arms refused to obey the command no matter what.

The village chief didn't care, and continued: "How do you know your background? It's your adoptive parents..."

Shi Guyuan said: "They left in [-]."

The village chief gave a clear "uh" and said, "You and Lin think...you are brothers, twins. You are weaker. You caught a cold and asthma within two months of your birth. Seeing that you are dying, I was afraid that I would give your brother a bad temper. There happened to be a couple from the city who came to us to do sound collection. They had no children for many years. When they heard about your family, they wanted to take you over. How many of your Lin family Pass it on behalf of the single, finally looking forward to two, your parents are reluctant..."

Shi Guyuan said: "So my parents...my adoptive father and adoptive mother let you stand out, persuade them?"

"The medical conditions in the city are incomparable to us. Look, you have grown up safely... The Lin family is doomed. Not long after you left, your younger brother also suffered from asthma..."

This time Shi Guyuan was able to move, he picked up the wine glass, the surface of the wine swayed slightly.The night in the Linhai fishing village is so quiet that there are only the singing of the sea and the singing of birds in the woods.

But what he heard was the turbulent waves and the howling mountain wind. He remembered their first meeting, the spray that Chi Yu carried with him—he was like a general talking about war on paper, never paying attention to these obvious flaws— —It turned out that Chi Yu was never the one he wanted to save.

He sipped the fisherman's fermented wine carefully, thinking that the village chief must have been lying, how could the sweet and sour juice drink be as easy to drink as he reminded him, how could he become more sober the more he drank it?

The village chief was talking about his strange relatives after he left.Shi Guyuan interrupted him and said, "Is his name Lin Xiang?"

"Yes, originally, according to the genealogy, you are the generation of Jing characters, but your father insisted on naming you this name for your younger brother..."

Shi Guyuan smiled and said, "Why bother."

Why bother, carrying another person's life like original sin, if Chi Yu knew, he would be offended again.

After thinking about it, Shi Guyuan asked: "Does he know that there is such a brother as me?"

"He doesn't know," said the village chief. "Your parents never mentioned it, and we dare not say it."

How unfair, he doesn't know him, but he knows him.

"...I didn't expect you to come back. If I hadn't watched Lin Xiang grow up, I wouldn't have recognized you. How have you been doing for so many years?" The village chief looked at him and laughed, "Look at you This whole body style is different from our fishing, like a big boss."

Shi Guyuan said: "It's just a small business to support the family. My parents are very good to me, and I have a younger sister." When talking about Shi Guyuan, Shi Guyuan smiled proudly, "She studied in the UK. Dancing, ballet, very good at dancing, got into a foreign ballet troupe that was extremely difficult to pass, and just got engaged a while ago. Every day I feel frizzy, every time I think about it, I have nothing to do with her... "

"As long as you live well, I can feel at ease. The children of the Lin family are all promising, your younger brother is a college student, and your parents are rich, and they went to the city to enjoy themselves; you can earn a lot of money, I really want your father Mom, look at your current appearance, if they are still here... don’t mention this, be happy today, don’t mention this,” the village chief drank his wine and said, “Speaking of which, how did you find this place? It’s your adoptive parents Did I tell you?"

"No," Shi Guyuan said, his finger stuck on Chi Yu's face in the photo, "He and I are...friends, I found this photo by accident, and I was very curious, so I came here."

"Hey, it's all fate... your brother's life is hard, and it's been four years in the blink of an eye..." The village head drank one cup after another, and suddenly said, "you know, your brother...heh."

"I know..." Shi Guyuan said, "I know everything..."

His eyes were fixed on the surface of the wine, and the reflection narrowed the sad fine lines and filtered the pale complexion.

"It's getting late-"

"Can I go and see his home?" Shi Guyuan raised his head abruptly, "I heard that he went to the city after he got married, but the place where he used to live should still be kept here, right?"

"You can go and see, but it's late—"

"Sleep when you should, don't wait for me." Shi Guyuan said, "I want to go and have a look."

The village head persuaded him to no avail, so he had to turn on the flashlight to show him the way.Lin Xiang's home is closer to the sea than the village head's, and he can see the blue sky and sea from the windows; at night, it is as thick and black as mist.

The village chief fumbled to turn on the light, and the dusty and oily yellow light bulb barely illuminated a corner of the mossy stone wall; The crumbling roof.

The village head said: "No one has lived in it for several years, and there is dust everywhere."

Shi Guyuan said, "Can I stay alone for a while?"

The village chief shrugged and said, "I'll wait for you outside, hurry up, you can come and see me tomorrow."

"Go back first, I remember the way," Shi Guyuan said, "don't wait for me."

"Then how-"

"I want to be alone for a while." Shi Guyuan said.

"...Okay," the village head compromised, "I'll leave the door open for you, don't come back too late, I'll leave the flashlight for you."

Shi Guyuan didn't make another sound. After the village chief closed the door, he walked into Lin Xiang's bedroom—it was easy to recognize, the wall was covered with yellowing certificates and some daily necessities.The most valuable thing in the whole room is the bookshelf, which has no mottled and old traces, and is very cherished by the whole family.However, there are only two conch ornaments left on the bookshelf, and those books may have moved with the owner.

In the dim light, Shi Guyuan took out his glasses and put them on, and then looked at the certificates. Some of them had a one-inch photo. They were exactly the same at the same age; every piece of furniture was stained with his fingerprints one after another. , he opened the desk drawer, and there was a cup of Yesenin's poems lying quietly inside.He took it out, opened the title page, and the beautiful font on it read:

I wish senior Lin Xiang:

Happy birthday!Working smoothly!

Presented by his apprentice Chi Yu.

1993. 4, 28

Shi Guyuan crossed this blessing, flipped through it casually, and there was a single photo of Lin Xiang on a certain page. He was wearing glasses similar to Shi Guyuan, with the bright sun and the peaceful sea behind him. It seemed to be a snapshot. , he was smiling and greeting the person behind the camera.

——Shi Guyuan finally discovered the difference between the two of them: the palm that Lin wanted to wave was empty.

Shi Guyuan stared blankly for a while, until a tear fell on the lens, which startled him.

He took the photo away, revealing the poem he saw on Chi Yu's painting:

I remember that

I remember, dear,

Remember the gleam of your soft hair;

Fate has taken me from you,

My heart is heavy and sad.

……

Today the bodhi tree bloomed again,

My heart is infinitely melancholy.

How gentle I was then,

I put flower petals in your hair,

when you leave,

My heart won't get cold,

……

In Chi Yu's painting, this poem ends here.However, the vision bred by the narrow eyelids is too wide, able to cover the world at the same time, and the next line of the poem squeezed into the eye sockets together with his brothers——

when you leave,

My heart won't get cold,

It thinks of you in others,

As joyful as reading a beloved novel.

..........................................

Shi Guyuan slowly closed the poetry collection, turned his head sideways, and his eyes fell on the simple mirror above the washbasin.

It turned out that he was wearing glasses.

Shi Guyuan took off his glasses.

I'm not.

He clenched his glasses tightly, digging half-moon-shaped dents in his palms with his nails; he went out to face the sea breeze, and threw them into the sea without hesitation.Sitting on the beach with his knees bent, his lips are the heaviest color in winter, and his eyes are the desolate scenery that does not belong to the end of summer.The moonlight was covered by clouds, but he was wondering if he and he had ever had fun on this beach?Ever seen the moonlight without hiding?

Also, when he was wearing glasses, Chi Yu's excessive affection and kiss without resistance, behind these surprises, is there a place for him?

The cutscenes in his mind are bursting out and roaring with the brave rhythm of the waves; all kinds of tastes are twisted into ridiculous ropes, strangled his neck, and made him hang his slumped head.He refused to admit defeat and bit his lower lip until it was stained with blood, but his soul had the opposite force, like a withered leaf in autumn.

If sadness can only be vented with tears, then his heart is already a vast ocean.In his eyes is the unfathomable sea, just like wandering in the darkness in front of him.

He doesn't belong to Chi Yu, and Chi Yu doesn't belong to him either. How many of his ridiculous heartbeats have he watched with cold eyes in those self-righteous paintings; A beggar who regards leftovers coldly as priceless treasures is too humble to be seen.

He has never had love in his 40 years of life, and his relationship with Chi Yu has rarely been romantic as a lover.But he has always believed that Chi Yu has a heart for him, even now that he has learned the truth - he will never forget the day he fell into the water from the bamboo raft, and what Chi Yu feared has also brought him along.

But this incidental care is like stepping on the empty steps. It exists clearly, but it makes people feel like falling off a cliff.

Shi Guyuan presumptuously shared the darkness with the sea, and after an unknown amount of time, a light lit up on the phone screen, followed by a ringtone.

It's Xiaofeng.

Shi Guyuan took a deep breath of the sea breeze, picked up the phone, and said in a low and calm voice, "Xiao Yan, what's wrong?"

"Brother, you haven't slept yet!"

"You didn't sleep too," Shi Guyuan frowned and said, "What time is it, what happened?"

Shi Guchen hesitated and said, "That...it's nothing, I just wanted to ask when you'll be back?"

"What's the matter?"

"Anyway, it's a good thing anyway—well, eh, let's talk about it when you come back!"

After finishing speaking, without waiting for Shi Guyuan to ask questions, he immediately hung up the phone; Shi Guyuan chased and called back, but was cut off mercilessly by his sister.

Within a few seconds, he received a text message from Shi Guyan:

Don't worry, it's really a good thing, I'll tell you when you get back. LOVE YOU!

Facing the text message, Shi Guyuan showed a helpless and doting smile.