Jonson's Diary

July 2018, 2, overcast

The doctor advised me to be hospitalized, which I refused.I told the doctor, I feel very uncomfortable after taking Deanxit, can you change the medicine for me?In addition, the symptoms of anorexia have not improved, can the dosage of mirtazapine be increased?

Dr. Cheng changed me to other medicines, including sertraline hydrochloride. He said that it is still the old rule, if you feel uncomfortable, you should seek medical treatment in time.

He asked me again: "Do you still live alone?"

"no, what happened?"

"If possible, leave the medicine to him for safekeeping!"

"My medicine has always been controlled by him."

Dr. Cheng smiled and said, "Don't you want to save up the medicine?"

"I know." Who knows what will happen in the future?Now that I'm alive, that's enough.All I have is now, live one more day and earn another day.

February 2018, 2, cloudy to sunny

I quit my job at the piano shop. My biggest job every day is to eat, sleep, feed dog food and Xiaosong. Xue Lin asked me why I didn’t listen to the doctor. I said, I think it’s good like this, and there is no need to change it. I told him that I was still dead. no.

I actually really want to move out, there is a snake spirit disease in the family, Xue Lin must have a headache too.

Intermittent madness, constant wanting to die, I'm such a piece of garbage.I exchanged phone numbers and WeChat with Li Keji that day, but he never called me, only texted me.

To my great relief, he said he was busy and it was okay if I didn't have to reply.

I felt more relieved, and only reluctantly returned to him when I wanted to.

How should I put it, I get very anxious when the phone rings, which means I have to answer the phone and greet others, the same goes for the message notification ring, and my phone is always on silent.

It's a bit isolated from the world, if only it could be isolated from the world.Xue Lin went to a banquet or something, and came back very late at night, reeking of alcohol, perfume and lipstick marks on her high-end suit, it was not easy.

He seemed to be drunk, and staggered down on the sofa. How did he get back?I found the strawberry milk I bought last time in the refrigerator. I looked at it and there was only a little left. Let’s change it to yogurt next time.

After a little heat, I took it out to Xue Rin. He seemed to be asleep. I directly asked him to pat his face to wake him up. He drank the milk and went to take a bath.

He suffocated his breath and drank the milk: "Can't you be gentle? You don't know how to take care of people at all."

I'm sorry, otherwise I'll undress you, take a shower and sleep with you, okay?Come on, life is not a novel.Everyone will wake up when they move here and there, right?Even if you don't wake up, you will wake up when the water is flushed in the shower.

Wake Xue Lin up, I think it is a wiser choice.

He was just drunk and a little dazed, it wasn't that he was degraded into mental retardation after being caught in the door.Besides, if I really give him a bath, I think he will tear me apart tomorrow.

When lying on the bed, Xue Lin stared at me with burning eyes, and I tiredly asked what was wrong.

I am very sleepy now, if I hadn't waited for him, I would have fallen asleep a long time ago.

The common side effect of the antidepressant drugs I take is drowsiness. With the addition of antidepressant drugs, the drowsiness can reach [-] hours before. I also think it is exaggerated, but it is true.

Can you imagine me going to bed at [-]pm and waking up in the middle of the night thinking I'm insomniac stupid again?

"Will you suddenly disappear one day?"

I shake my head.I could hardly keep my eyes open, and Xue Rin was still pestering me to ask.

"Qiao Song, don't make decisions on your own, and don't lie to me, you have always been like this before."

"Where am I?" I retorted softly.

Xue Lin said quietly: "Every time, if you want to make a decision about me, I hope you can ask me."

It's rare for him to speak nicely. I thought he would say, 'Don't lie to me, don't draw conclusions without my order', but it made me even sadder.

If my life were written as a novel, I would be both the protagonist and the villainous boss, the person who prevents me from being with Xue Lin and destroys the fragile connection between me and Xue Lin all the time is none other than myself.

Perhaps, readers will still feel sorry for Xue Rin, saying that Xue Rin likes something.

"I said, you won't really hide something from me, will you?"

"No." Can't say, 'I'm going to die without telling you'?

"I won't stop you, you can do whatever you want, whether it's death or playing the piano, it's up to you, but you have to remember to go home.

"Did you ask me? 'What's our relationship?' you."

"I want to create a more reliable, more inseparable connection, not a superficial relationship, you know? I don't know what I'm talking about, but you must know what I mean."

"Too cunning, you." I stretched out my hand and carefully touched his hair, which was golden, warm, and soft, like the sunshine in early summer, and I touched the corners of his eyes again.

This man is really, really cunning.Is this never-ending two-way unrequited love coming to an end?

Xue Lin leaned over and pressed my forehead: "Can you tell me? The reason for not going to the hospital?"

"I'm just, simply..." It's just giving up the treatment. How can I say this when I look into his eyes?The illness came and went, good times and bad times. When it was good, the withered flowers were smiling, and when it was bad, the blue sky and white clouds felt distorted.

"Why did you leave in the first place? You didn't make a sound."

Xue Lin bit my ear maliciously, and replied sullenly: "Of course it's a showdown with my family, what do you think?"

I almost freaked out!He was only a sophomore at that time, right?Just decide to hang on my crooked neck tree?

"I said to my dad, 'I don't care about anything, but I know that the only person I can spend the rest of my life with is you' and my dad was very happy, and said he thought I would die single, and my mom was crazy happy too, and I Brother even said that if I repent, he will break my leg, who are they?"

"I'm afraid it's not my own, but you are?"

He rubbed against my shoulder again, he must have been a golden retriever in his previous life!golden retriever!

Xue Lin talked about the past, saying that when I was a child, I wrote him as a duplicity, gentle and arrogant person. During that time, he was disgusted by the kind eyes of the people around him. He suffered a lot once. For the injury, I scolded him very angrily, and he said that he was wronged and exploded, okay?Obviously trying to vent my anger, those people scolded me behind my back.

My reputation at school was bad. He knew it was because of him, but he didn't want to deal with it. What annoyed me most was seeing other girls blushing and approaching me, even boys!No, not anyone but him!

I fell into a deep sleep, and he also closed his eyes in a daze.

I wish I could meet him in my dream.