Can't hold hands

There are too many unsolvable problems in the world, such as me and Lin Jue, but as time goes by, I gradually no longer stubbornly want to find out everything. Life is not an experiment, and nothing is inevitable.

Recently, I always think of Sun Xue. Although I don’t have much contact with her, she left a deep impression on me, fresh, bloody, and frightening. Sometimes I feel that she is still alive.

I will think of her pain, Sun Xue is always in pain, just like life itself, happiness is just a form of pain, I don’t know if she has a way to resolve it, probably not, after all, she was so painful that she didn’t even have the courage to survive All gone.

September NO.15, the sun is shining brightly, and Xu Ming is getting married. I put aside all these messy things in my mind for the time being, and gather my energy to attend the wedding. There are only two parents who have only two friends, and they are generally relatively small and casual.

Xu Ming said that he wanted me to be the best man, so I had to go to his hotel early in the morning to do odd jobs for him. Of course, there were quite a lot of people there.

"Yan Baiyi! I rely on you to help me fix this bow tie, it's about to strangle me to death!"

"You're handicapped..."

I turned behind him to adjust him. I hadn't even changed my clothes yet, so I gave him a thumbs up when we were face to face.

"Not bad! Handsome guy!"

Then he patted Xu Ming's butt.

"Sexy enough?"

He gave me a wink.

"Sau Sao Sao!"

I suppressed a smile and asked again,

"Is your wife at home? Would you like to contact me?"

"The two couples can't contact each other before they get married, don't you know? You irresponsible best man!"

Although Xu Ming didn't look nervous, and he could still play tricks on me here, but his forehead was already sweating, and I just touched his collar, and it was also soaked in sweat.

It's impossible not to be nervous!I think, this is probably the only time to get married once in a lifetime. I am sincerely happy for my good friend, and I am a little envious.

Not long after, he leaned over nervously and asked me,

"Has Han Hui gone?"

She was on the bride's side, and I laughed, knowing in good conscience that I hadn't teased him.

"I just sent her a message, and it may take half an hour for them."

Xu Ming let out a long sigh of relief, turned around and went to do his hair again.

"Hair hair, do it for me!"

In a panic, he ran to the stylist, who should also be an acquaintance of his.

At 07:30, we finally went out in a hurry. A group of people walked out of the hotel in a mighty way, one car went to pick up the woman, and the rest went directly to the wedding venue.

"...the ring, take the ring, shall we?"

Xu Ming rubbed his hands nervously, and asked me about the ring for the fifth time. I reluctantly took out the small box, opened it and shook it in front of him.

"Don't worry, groom officer!"

The wedding is not a big one, but it still has a grand and solemn feeling. Of course, it is also very warm, the sun is just right, the colorful balloons, the emerald green lawn, a layer of red carpet, the pink petals are flying all over the sky, and the smiles of the couple are more than flowers. She's still pretty.

It is worth mentioning that the bouquet thrown by the bride was actually received by Han Hui. I inexplicably thought of Chen Shixin and shook my head.

Big events in life, funerals and weddings, grief and happiness, just a word.

I looked at the laughing audience, and finally set my sights on a new couple.

Are they also conflicted?Is there a hurdle in your heart that you can't get past?It is impossible for a person to understand another person, no matter how close they are.

Afterwards, there was a toast, and I drank all the way behind. I was a little dizzy, and suddenly felt a sense of detachment.

The fun is theirs, I have nothing.

"Quick! Smile!"

Han Hui suddenly hooked my neck and punched my face with the phone. I was instantly taken aback by the two big faces on the screen, and then smiled.

“Wedding keepsake!”

"My face is almost frozen from laughter today..."

Han Hui pinched my face, looked down at the photos, and seemed very satisfied.

"Happy! I want to attend more weddings."

"You might as well do it yourself."

I half-jokingly said, Han Hui raised an eyebrow.

"With whom? You?"

"Okay, it's totally OK."

We both laughed when we said that.Whoever is serious is an idiot.

But a moment of bliss at the wedding did fill the void in my heart for the time being.

Lin Jue is probably on a rush recently. According to the news on the Internet, he flies to several places a day. I met him twice in a hurry in September.

On the night of October [-]st, I was curled up on the sofa watching TV and clipping my nails when suddenly there was a sound of unlocking the door.

I looked up instantly and saw Lin Jue open the door and come in.

"surprise——"

He quickly walked up to me and opened his arms, as if waiting for me to hug him.

I put the nail clippers aside, got up and hugged him.

"Welcome back."

"Tsk, your reaction is not as enthusiastic as my fans."

I glanced at him, lazily sat back on the sofa, picked up the nail clippers, and raised my eyebrows at him.

"Come on, reach out, your fans will never cut your nails."

Lin Jue sat obediently next to me, and I lowered my head to cut his nails. Lin Jue has slender fingers and hands that play the piano, so he didn't leave any nails...Suddenly I felt that I was wrong, I was his fan.

"Are you coming to my concert?"

"It's your turn here? Be quiet."

Lin Jue rubbed against my neck next to me, and I bumped into him.

In fact, I know all the itineraries of his concert this year, but since it's a chat, it doesn't matter whether I know or not.

"Well, October 21, Saturday night, are you coming?"

I carefully cut off the last finger for him, put away the nail clippers, looked up and saw a pair of wet eyes, felt as if my heart was swept by a light feather, trembled, and blurted out to him——

"Come."

"Then I'll reserve a seat for you..." He leaned over, kissed me, clasped the back of my head with one hand, and I bit him lightly.

"I've become a dog..." He smiled and put his hand into my clothes, the calluses on his fingertips made me tremble...

"Can you come back this time... um..." I suppressed my breath, and after a while I regained my thoughts and continued, "How long can you stay?"

"Before the concert, I was always there." He stopped suddenly and chuckled in my ear, "I used to think that you didn't want to come to my concert, well, you didn't care where I went."

"...I always wonder if you don't love me at all."

"You are the villain who is the first to sue, ah..." I felt like he was driving me crazy.

"You promise me everything, but you don't care about me at all. No matter what I do, you don't get angry, and you just watch silently..."

"How cold you are... as if you don't care about me at all, if you didn't bring up this breakup..."

He was babbling intermittently, my mind was already overwhelmed by desire, and I couldn't understand the meaning of these sentences at all, but I reflexively remembered every word he said.

The next morning, when I came back to my senses and thought about it, I felt that I was too kind to him before, maybe a big ear photon passed by earlier, and nothing bad happened.

Lin Jue is still very busy, but because he has never left the city, he comes back more often at night, and calls each other when he does not come back. Sometimes I feel unreal when I hang up the phone Feel.

Is Lin Jue really a prodigal son?

However, there are many academic conferences in October, and I don't have time to think about this issue at all. Sometimes I come back later than Lin Jue.

"What's wrong with you recently?"

On a rare night when both of them were together, I turned on the TV, tuned to a random channel, and chatted with each other.

Houses with TVs are more smokey, which Lin Jue and I agree.

"You are not as idle as I am."

"We seem to be like this all the time," he said with some melancholy, "We get together less and leave more."

I cracked a walnut and gave him half.

Thinking about it carefully, Lin Jue and I really haven’t been together for a long time. From the very beginning, we ran at both ends when we were in college. Then he went abroad, and then I went abroad. Finally, both of us came back, but they were always away. a city.

There was an advertisement on TV, I looked up and asked him,

"This year's Chinese New Year, do you... want to meet my mother?"

Lin Jue didn't speak for a long time, and I didn't rush him. He didn't speak until the commercial on TV was over.

"Yes," he said on my shoulder, "does she know?"

"I know, I told them when I returned to China a few years ago, but...you may not be able to see my dad."

I feel his hands tighten.

I know that Lin Jue's family has a weak family relationship. He is the youngest of the three sons. Both of his elder brothers are in business. Lin Jue is the only one who came out to the entertainment industry, and he was not clean. The family relationship was already thin, let alone the communication , basically in a state of being exiled, you don’t know if you don’t see it or hear it.

When there is no such son.

"Did I miss a lot? A hundred? Did you do anything else?"

I stroked his hair, soft and fluffy.

"You find out slowly by yourself, it's just an easter egg."

I don’t know if Lin Jue found any Easter eggs, but I still found time to go to his October concert. It was still crowded with people, the screams pierced the eardrums, and Lin Jue was shining on the stage.

After so many years, he is still so dazzling on the stage.

Lin Jue sang the prison bird, raised his head slightly, his eyes were blurred, full of affection, and the curvature of his jaw was particularly beautiful.It's really the devil's tenderness, I think, through him, Sun Xue bid farewell to everyone, and perhaps dragged some people into hell.

Really scheming.

Sun Xue's last song became popular all over the country, and it really became a blockbuster.

When the music ended, I felt a wet cheek.

For the first time, I cried under his stage.

I am still too naive, accompanied all the way, our lives have long been connected, his music is mixed in my soul, and flashes my soul, how can we separate?

Separated people will become disabled, right?It's like a person loses his light.

But I don't have a guide dog, I don't even have a cane.

As soon as November is over, I will be 29, and I have passed 29 springs and autumns without knowing it. On my birthday, Lin Jueren was not there, so he only sent me a message to wish me well.I didn't spend my birthday with anyone, and I don't want to spend my 29th birthday with anyone at all.When I went back at night, I passed by the night market. I ate barbecue alone, drank two cans of beer, and a bowl of casserole porridge. I was very satisfied and did not feel lonely.

At the age of 28, I didn’t do anything important, didn’t win a Nobel Prize, didn’t start an instant trip, didn’t make any more friends, and didn’t break up successfully. The real feeling of living an extra year.

"Zhang Qi is getting married too, do you want to go to his wedding?"

A few days later, Lin Jue came back, hugged me and asked.

"He invited you?"

"Well, you can go too."

I think of Han Hui's argument that she should attend more weddings.

"...Okay, let's go together then."

In fact, every year’s life is nothing more than eating, drinking, and messing around, but the people and things I meet are different. When I was six years old, I officially carried my schoolbag for the first time to go to school. When I was [-] years old, my friends around me got married one after another. Those who come over, those who are left behind by these experiences, will feel troubled.

The 29-year-old Chinese New Year came earlier. The temperature in December has been around [-] degrees. In January, it suddenly fell below [-] degrees. I went home.

Lin Jue is with me.

"mom."

Lin Jue and I stood at the door of our house with a bunch of things in our hands. Although we had told my mother in advance that we would bring someone back, we were still very nervous when things came to an end.

My mother obviously dressed up on purpose, dressed more solemnly, with her hair tied behind her head, she was stunned for a few seconds when she saw Lin Jue.

"Hello... Auntie!"

Lin Juexian nodded and bowed in greeting.

"Hi," I saw my mother laugh, "come in."

Lin Jue glanced at me, I walked in the door, and he followed behind.

"Where's my dad?"

"He..." My mother poured tea for us, "It's in the room, don't worry about him."

"This is a little sympathy for you and uncle." Lin Jue offered the big and small bags with both hands, with a rare flattering tone, and I glanced at him while my mother was not paying attention.

"Thank you, thank you, you still bring so much, it's too polite."

My mother took it with a smile, and asked as if casually.

"How long have you known Yan Baiyi from our family?"

"Ah, also, it looks like the first year."

Lin Jue was a little incoherent, I suddenly wanted to laugh, but I held back.

"The time is not short, the young man is very handsome."

My mother did not know where to take out a few bags of fruit and put them on the table.

"Mom, sit down, don't be so busy, why can't you sit still?" I helplessly pulled her on the sofa, she must have a lot to say to Lin Jue, but unfortunately I couldn't say it, so I stood up, " I'm going to see my dad."

"Okay, you go, don't be in a hurry with him."

"Well, don't worry." I hugged my mother, walked to the door, took a deep breath, adjusted my expression before pushing the door in.

"dad……"

There was a TV in the bedroom, and my dad was leaning on the bed, tuned to the news channel, still as chubby as ever.

"I'm back, Dad."

His eyes rolled and stopped on me. He had talked with my mother about his physical condition many times before. He seemed to have difficulty speaking and moving.

"Dad, I miss you."

I moved a chair and sat by the bed. My dad kept looking at me, as if he snorted, but didn't speak. I gradually felt a little out of breath.

"That, that... person..."

When I wanted to say something more, my dad finally spoke with difficulty.

"I brought him," I tried to say lightly, "do you want to see him?"

My dad turned his attention to the TV. I don't know which country's news it was, but the pictures were all war refugees.

My dad still didn't see Lin Jue in the end, I don't know how long it will take for him to accept another man.

But at least, he's willing to see me now.

"...Don't you care what my aunt said about me?"

Instead of staying at home at night, I booked a hotel with Lin Jue.

"Huh? Well, what did she say?"

Lin Jue was silent, he just finished washing his hair, I got up and went to find him a hair dryer.

"She said... the family should live a stable life. She and her uncle are like this, and I hope the two of us are like this."

I plugged in the plug and rubbed his long hair vigorously, the sourness in my heart almost overflowed.

Hope we stay that way.