Turn around

……

1998. 12, 7

Dad's company has been going downhill since it started this year, and it is facing a huge financial crisis in the second half of the year. My mother and I know how anxious he is, but how can he get angry at my mother so casually?

I haven't seen my mother's expression for many years, which is why I am willing to accept my current father.But today, he hurt my mother again, and my heart ached.

Then Lin Sen came out, he hugged me without saying anything.At that time, I felt calmed down. Lin Sen hugged me loosely. I couldn't see the expressions of my parents. My vision was only his shoulders.

We used to hug each other shoulder to shoulder, when we slept, when we went home together, and even when we wrestled together, but today's hug made me feel that I finally stepped on solid ground in this family.

I can no longer peek at my mother's life in fear, and I can really get stable dependence and happiness in this family.

Lin Sen, I am grateful to you all my life.

……

2001. 6, 9

I can't let him leave me.It's enough to say that meeting twice a month is enough, bullshit!He is my elder brother, how could an elder brother only see his younger brother twice a month...

No, no matter what you say, you can't let him go to live in school. I don't want him to have a wonderful story in a place where I can't see it.Although he would definitely not believe such words, but this kind of selfish thought is indeed my most sincere thought at this time.It's unbelievable, and I'm terrified by the idea myself.

At night, I thought about a lot of messy things in bed, such as Lin Sen and I when we were in elementary school, thinking about his life in high school, thinking about why I didn’t want to call him brother so much, it used to be because of anger, but now it seems that it’s not all because of this reason up.I also thought that recently he seems to have stopped mentioning that I should change my name...

……

2001. 7, 2

Lin Sen finally submitted his application for day school. I knew he really wanted to live on campus, and it was for this reason that I really thanked him.

Regardless of whether he did it for his brother or not, I sincerely thank him for everything he did for me...

……

2002. 9, 10

Today, my dad was invited by the principal to be a guest at the freshman parent meeting. When he was giving a speech, Lin Sen and I stood side by side on the side of the podium as his achievements for people to watch.

Lin Sen looked uncomfortable, too, he didn't want to come in the first place, but I had already agreed to the bald principal first, and he couldn't do anything about it.Lin Sen often fights against Dad at home, but to me, he always seems to go along.

So, I indulged myself, stood beside him in full view, and listened to thousands of people below saying: "Look at these two people, how wonderful..." I felt as if I was being blessed.This is really an evil thought, evil thought, first suppress one, but no matter what, I don't want to let go, I am too greedy for the feeling of being by his side.If one day I really have any outrageous thoughts, Lin Sen, it will be because you have spoiled me.

When I was on it today, I saw a lot of freshmen taking pictures, most of them were girls, so it’s better not to leave any aftereffects, otherwise I will lose my money... Ah, this description seems to be wrong...

Anyway, I want to ask the freshmen to get a photo. Neither of us have a photo of the two of us in formal attire.

……

2003. 5, 27

After a day of tossing around, when I got home at night, I told myself, Si Lan, you have to remember today.

Today, you know that Lin Sen has a girlfriend, and you drink coffee with his girlfriend and have a great time talking until you vomit blood, so you should avoid spicy food from now on.

From today onwards, you have to remember that Lin Sen is your older brother, you can no longer whitewash the peace with Lin Sensen's cheerfulness, pretending that he is the same as someone you can like.

It's a shame, I have completely lost my sense of normalcy, I am very reluctant to admit it, but there is no other way.Today, I was really hit hard, so I woke up from the dream, and the hallucination is finally coming to an end.

I have to adjust quickly so that Lin Sen doesn't see anything.

……

2004. 5, 27

I really have a relationship with May 5th, but what happened this year was a good thing. I decided to give up painting and go to business school for Lin Sen.

In fact, I can’t say whether to replace or not. If my father wants me to inherit his company, I still have to accept it.My father loves me and hopes that I can continue to study painting before choosing Lin Sen to succeed me. However, others don't know what Lin Sen thinks. I really know it all too well. Even if he leaves this family, he will not give up his dream.

Then, let me give up my dream. After all, this is the most practical thing I can do for Lin Sen.

When I was packing up the painting tools at night, I felt that my hands were shaking all the time. I knew that I had betrayed them. They had been soaked in the smell of oil paint for many years. For my selfish and narcissistic sacrifice, they would probably only be able to It smells of copper.

But I really have no other way, I can't let Lin Sen's dream run aground, I can't let him spend the rest of his life depressed, and I can't let him turn against his father.

So, from today, only my trembling fingers know how unwilling I am, only my fingers know my resentment and pain. In the eyes of others, I will always be the excellent company successor Si Lan.

Lin Sen, this is the last thing I do for you. It exhausts all my enthusiasm and will. From then on, I can no longer do anything else for you.But I think, after this incident, you probably won't need me any more...

……

2005. 6, 22

The college entrance examination is over in a hurry, and my grades are not surprising.In three months, I will be in the best business school in China.

When I finished filling out the application form, I really missed Lin Sen, and my internal organs ached from thinking about it. When I went home, it was raining heavily. I called Lin Sen in the pouring rain, and I said brother, come back soon.

And the last unspoken sentence, yes, Lin Sen, I miss you, I can hardly bear it anymore.

Then I heard Lin Sen's answer, it was unexpectedly indifferent, as if he was busy with his own business, such a cool tone, I was really discouraged at the time, then I thought again, Lin Sen has no obligation Always take care of myself, after all, to him, I am just a brother with a different surname.

After hanging up the phone, I felt that the sound of the rain was unprecedentedly loud, and the rumbling sound made people panic.At that time, I knew that I really couldn't hold on anymore.

For more than a year, I have been telling myself, Si Lan, you have to persevere, it was your fault first, and you have to pay back what you owe Lin Sen.So, until now I dare not go to the studio, where the smell of long-term oil paint still lingers, tingling my heart one by one.My determination has never wavered since I made up my mind, but the feeling of thinking about Lin Sen while refusing to paint while flipping through business studies is too painful, even if I knew from the beginning that I fell in love with him. It will be very hard, but I really expected the wrong degree. I didn't expect that it could be so hard, and I was so tired that I felt like hitting my head to death.

Lin Sen, Lin Sen, I really owe you. I gave up painting, and the punishment I received is not too small.Now, I really want to give up on you, I can't go on like this, if I continue to love you, how can I spend four years in business school?Or it can end quietly. This secret love is just an impulse when I was young, but I really can't afford it...

……

2005. 7, 7

Today I will pack up the things at home for the last time, and I will fly to Sichuan in the evening.

The things I need to pack are my university luggage, which my parents will send to the school when the time comes, as well as the messy books in the studio, the painting utensils scattered around, and these diaries.I thought about throwing them away, but I tried a few times but I was not willing. I really am not a straightforward person. Fortunately, my parents never mess with my things, so locking them should not be seen.

There are six books, hehe, I am so powerful.

Then there are things to be taken to Sichuan. There is very little luggage, but there are many emotions in a ball. I want to take them all away and throw them all into the mountains and rivers in the countryside.

I don't know if the resolution I made before is really achievable, but at least I have to try my best to try, just like falling in love with Lin Sen back then, to give it a try without hesitation.

Diary, come and touch it, from now on you will never see the light of day.