touch the back of the unknown

"When did you become so defensive against people?"

The doctor looked at me, and I looked down at my hands.

"I can't remember...it shouldn't be there before junior high school..."

"And I sometimes have very bloody and violent fantasies... disgusting but uncontrollable... uncontrollable urges."

"This is a way for you to vent your emotions," the doctor said. "Your emotions have been in an unstable state for the past few years, and your basic emotions are restless. Do you know what I mean?"

Nonsense, you think I'm an idiot.

"Let your mother come in," said the doctor.

I stood up, walked out of the consulting room, and motioned for my mother to come in.

The doctor changed a new medicine, and I will go for a follow-up visit in a month.

I put my hands in my pockets, shrunk my neck and walked in the cold wind.

A month later, the doctor looked me in the eyes quietly, and then said without emotion: "Go for an electrocardiogram and take a blood test."

I was bored counting the bricks on the ceiling, there are 173 ceiling tiles, 168 floor tiles, and 171 wall tiles.

When the blood was drawn, my father said softly not to look at it, but I focused on the flow of blood and clearly heard the most primitive impulse gushing out of my body.

Added a new drug to suppress mania.When the doctor heard me describe how to dismember a small animal and peel off its skin, I couldn't help but laugh.

I hate the compulsion to fall asleep with the singing in my head, but without the singing, I feel endless terror.

I had a dream. In the dream, an adult man was tied to a cross. A man with my face was on him. I beat him with a whip, and the blood and flesh splashed until the whole ground was stained red. I stood aside and curled up. , full of fear, wanting to stop the man with my face.

stop!

The man on the cross had lost his breath, and his vague side face seemed so familiar.

The moment I thought about it again, I suddenly woke up, lying on the bed, covered in cold sweat.

Then I struggled to get up and rushed to the bathroom, as if I was going to spit out my heart, but in the end I only spit out bitter bile.

This month, Yan Wu and I haven't had much contact, it's not the kind of tacit understanding of friends who are very familiar with each other, but a kind of alienation that is possible, we both feel it, and we know that the other party feels it.

I don't know why, but the tyranny in my heart began to surge again, full of anxiety.I began to want to return to the bd**** circle, but I didn't have that chance.

What to do? What to do? What to do……

I felt utterly helpless.

In places I don't know, the bloody drama has been fully carried out.

Fate damn gave me a slap in the face, mercilessly.

I was still wearing all black clothes as usual, standing in the dark without being noticed, and not far from me, there were two entangled figures.

Shen Yu leaned against the wall, regardless of staining his coat.The flickering lights in the dark corridor could not clearly illuminate his face. He looked a little decadent, with his hands in his pockets, his face was pale, with a unique sense of beauty, like a static artwork, tempting people to sink.

The product of God's meticulous carving.

This is what Yan Wu saw when he walked to the stairs with his schoolbag on his back.

He was a little overwhelmed.

Before he could say hello, Shen Yu raised his face, looked at Yan Wu's startled and flustered face, and smiled coldly, a little sadly.

"What do you like about me?" Shen Yu said, but his voice was a little hoarse, as if he had just cried.

Yan Wu remained motionless like a statue. After a while, he turned his face away, and as if he had made up his mind, he said bitterly, "I don't know either."

Suddenly Shen Yu straightened up and pulled Yan Wu over. Yan Wu didn't react, the smell of Shen Yu was all around him, not sweat, but a faint fragrance.

Shen Yu's kiss fell gently on Yan Wu's face, slid across Yan Wu's face, and whispered in his ear: "I..."

Before he finished speaking, Yan Wu didn't know what he was going to say, but Shen Yu's kiss had already made him intoxicated, and he had no time to think about other things.

In this way, the two gave each other their first kiss in the dark corridor. Yes, Yan Wu is still a roommate, and although Shen Yu has had several girlfriends, he has never kissed because of his cleanliness.

The atmosphere of pornography pervades the surroundings, he is only fifteen or sixteen years old, but he has already developed well, and the hormones of puberty are just around the corner, adding a bit of taboo.

And I stood in the dark, with weak breathing and heartbeat, took out the blade from my pocket, and slowly slashed three times on my left arm, blood gushing out quickly.

Shen Yu's mother passed away.

It was an accident, a car accident, the driver was drunk, and Shen Yu's mother died on the spot.

The woman who bestowed Shen Yu's appearance was lying on the ground. Her beauty was a little more feminine than Shen Yu's, but she parted ways with Shen Yu's father because of her personality.

Shen Yu locked himself in the bedroom, and didn't come out until he had vented all his tears, socializing with a false smile.

His unwillingness to lose all his arrogance stems from the most fundamental inferiority complex in his heart. His inferiority complex is even worse than that of He Yi. He Yi is only due to illness, but he is because of the most profound experience.

Shen Yu likes men, which he knew very early on.

Before Shen Yu went to the middle school of Yan Wu, he studied in a middle school in other places. He skipped a grade, so he was younger than his classmates.

At the beginning of love, he still didn't understand the issue of sexual orientation, so he confessed to the boy he liked.

In fact, it was not a formal liking, just a vague affection, but the boy told his parents, so his parents went directly to the school and asked such a student with a problematic sexual orientation to leave their son's class.

So all of Shen Yu's self-esteem was trampled on the soles of his feet in the public, the parents insulted him with harsh words, and the students around him responded with mocking eyes. This scene became Shen Yu's nightmare for a long time.

Until Shen Yu's parents arrived, they fought back with arrogance and expelled Shen Yu from school.Let him go back to the middle school in his hometown and start from the first grade of junior high school again.

But from then on, Shen Yu understood that he must not reveal his sexual orientation. He began to suppress himself, and deliberately showed his aversion to homosexuality in order to pretend.

He had already sensed Yan Wu's intense gaze, but he couldn't reveal his true orientation, so he pretended not to know, and he didn't want to have anything to do with this kind of thing.

Until Yan Wu was seen secretly kissing him in the classroom, he finally lost his temper. He tried so hard to avoid getting involved in such things, but was involved again.

A friend of his helped him vent his anger and beat Yan Wu up, and he scolded Yan Wu heartily at the stairway again, with vicious words, but when he scolded, he felt very bitter in his heart, as if he was scolding himself.

After that, he belittled Yan Wu wantonly, even made a girlfriend to stimulate him, and even called Yan Wu to tell him not to bother him anymore.

But after doing all this, he didn't feel relieved as he imagined, on the contrary, he felt even more depressed.

Until his mother died, he lay in his bedroom, tears running down his cheeks, silent grief filling the room, his eyes open, his mind full of images.

He thought of his mother, that noble and beautiful woman combing his forehead hair, his stepmother gently calling him to get up for dinner, his younger brother's timid face, and his father's guilty eyes.

He thought of Yu Yuwan who stalked him after he broke up and finally ran out of the cafe crying, and he never had the slightest liking for Yuwan.

He remembered Yan Wu holding the camera in the second sports meeting and trying to secretly take pictures of him when he was not paying attention, so he pretended to look out of the window until Yan Wu finished taking pictures, and then read his book again with a smile on his face.

He remembered that in the previous junior high school, he confessed to the boy with a gentle smile, but fell into a three-year nightmare.

When he was despised and disgusted by everyone, his bewildered face intertwined with Yan Wu's eyes.

Shen Yu lay on the bed, suddenly shrank up, and slapped himself hard.

So he quietly waited for Yan Wu in the corridor.

He originally wanted to apologize, but when he saw Yan Wu, an irresistible impulse surged out in his heart, and his long-repressed thoughts burst out.

I……

Can I say this?

Shen Yu and Yan Wu had already forgotten the reality, and were just indulging in the dreamlike feeling brought by each other.

And He Yi stood in the darkness, the blood on his arm dripped onto the dirty ground, he didn't notice it, but the pain in his heart seemed to swallow everything in him.

He tightly clutched his chest with his right hand, as if he could restrain the tyranny full of sadness.

He walked out of the corridor without attracting anyone's attention, and then threw the blade into the nearby bushes.

An Shun clenched his fist with his right hand and put it on his chest, with a gentle smile.

He Yi took a deep breath and threw the glass at An Shun.The glass smashed against the wall, and shards of glass splashed all over the floor.

"Get lost." He Yi said weakly, like a beast that has lost its will to fight.

The auditory hallucinations still did not stop, and the voices of countless phantoms wriggling made He Yi almost collapse.

"You, no, yes, no, accept, accept."

He Yi sat up abruptly, and countless black substances filled his surroundings.

This is not an illusion.

He Yi suddenly turned his head and looked out the window.

There is nothing there.

There are only fragments of sunlight scattered all over the place.Exceptionally fine weather.

What the hell is this? It's like the history of a lonely boy's campus, which has turned into a bloody fight, and then the theater of the second-year boy... But He Yi can't laugh.

He heard a knock on the door, so he stood up and strode over.

He heard this kind of knock on the door more than once, but he never paid attention to it. It's just that today is different. Something is stirring his nerves. He has a premonition that he must do this.

He had to do it.

He Yi opened the door.