fantasy land

Xie Tiao suffers from insomnia every night.

In fact, it is already an old disease. Since he entered the fantasy paradise, he has surrendered his body every night and let others arrange the time. He is afraid of the night and the coming of dusk, because it means that when the time comes, he has to take off his body. Clothes, revealing body, let go of the most basic shame, and become a rose in fantasy paradise.

Anyone can pick and choose.

There are different levels of guests to accompany the wine. He has met very good guests and terrible guests. He was handcuffed to the bedpost and smoked with a belt for a whole night, or with ordinary candles, dripping He got blisters all over his body.

A client raped him without a condom, and the client said: "You are not pregnant, why are you being hypocritical?"

The next day Xie Tiao took an emergency blocker.But he always felt that he was getting dirtier after coming to this place.

Dirty through and through.

The dirtier his body is, the more he hates himself in his heart, as if his shell is a cowardly puppet, but his soul is a high and exacting person, he curses the shell, you are so cowardly, you make yourself like this, you don’t know how to refuse Don't you think you're dirty?

Why do not you go to hell?

What can I do to drive the shell?He couldn't speak, so he could only hug himself tightly with his arms around him, shrinking his body into a silkworm chrysalis.

Every time before he closed his eyes and fell asleep, those hands stretched out from the darkness, grabbed his feet, pulled his hands, pulled and stroked them in a dirty and ugly way, filling his whole body with sticky nausea.

How can one love such a tattered body and soul?

He was angry, he was angry, and suddenly slapped himself.garbage bitch

cheap!

Xie Tiao became even more angry, and slammed his face hard.

He is angry.Angry at your own weakness, angry at your inability to keep your heart.

Why do you like Qi Hengzhi.

He really hated himself.His father, his vegetative mother, he was raped every night.Such a tattered self, what qualifications does he have?

Xie Tiao shrank into a ball, sobbing.

"I definitely... can not love you."

Xie Tiao immediately chose to hurt himself, he was used to pain.Pain brings him security.But who really likes pain?It was Qi Hengzhi who treated him too well.

Since losing control that night, Xie Tiao fell into more frequent insomnia.

He condemned himself while loving himself.Want to persuade myself.You don't like him, don't cross the threshold, the earnest self said to himself, you can't.

Every day, when the sun rises, he is the same as usual, playing normal with all his strength.And the night fell, unable to sleep every night.

Qi Hengzhi still has no news. With the deepening of the investigation, he entered the no-signal area. He was isolated from the world and did not know that Xie Tiao was suffering from guilt and self-blame.

Maybe some people really have reasons for not being worthy of a lover.

Misery clings to him like mud, scorching in the scorching sun, like a thick layer of cement.molded into a part of his body.

The rough surface is pinched into a distorted shape by suffering.

■

One night, Xie Tiao dreamed about the past.He was walking on the way home from high school, the wind blew, the leaves fell, and the golden leaves fell on his hair, which is the comfort and beauty of autumn.

Xie Tiao, who was in the college entrance examination, came home and put down his schoolbag. What he saw was not the picture of his father domestically abusing his mother, smashing the lid of the pressure cooker on her head, but his father hugging his mother and stuffing her with a small box. Love is sweet in the world Honey, I didn't even hear the sound of Xie Tiao closing the door and taking off his shoes.

"Congratulations, Xie Tiao! You will be a college student in the future!"

When his father was happy, he ignored him and hugged him in circles. His mother also cooked a table of delicious food for him. The three of them happily went camping, traveling, and visiting Xie Tiao's new school.His father hugged his mother, hugged him, and said loudly in a happy tone: "Xie Tiao! You are our pride!"

Xie Tiao, who went to college, did not have that accident. He learned life naturally, made good friends in school, and fell in love. He did not encounter the philosophy of survival in Fantasy Garden. He was a free and happy young man, pulling The hands of a little girl are happily walking along the ginkgo avenue on campus. The girl is wearing fleece clothes, pink and tender.Although Xie Tiao couldn't see the girl's face clearly, in his dream he felt that he loved her very much, and he loved his life very much.

Graduating in a blink of an eye, with good grades, a lot of experience, and his own talent, Xie Tiao joined a foreign company.He wears decent clothes, commutes to and from get off work on time every day, and occasionally wears formal clothes when speaking to clients. His sleeves are just tied up to reveal his forearms, and his healthy body can be seen at a glance.

How many people love him, how many people admire him, how many people look at him and applaud him. They all believe that this is an optimistic child with a bright future.

Who said it wasn't, Xie Tiao himself was also happy, walking calmly on the street, walking into the neon lights all over the city.

He has a happy family, a harmonious and beautiful lover, a progressive career, and a happy heart.

He walked forward with a smile on his face.

But the neon lights along this road became less and less, and the darker and darker he walked. As he walked, there were fewer and fewer people, and there were fewer and fewer houses and construction industries around him. Slowly, his clothes disappeared, first the computer bag, Shirt, then trousers, and finally a pair of poor underwear, he was afraid, afraid that he would be stripped off, he buttoned it vigorously, covering such a poor piece of cloth, but it was of no use, the wind was even stronger Yes, roll over, and roll away the last bit of his mask.

He was naked and alone.

In the midst of the confusion, many people called him again, and the shouts were like waves, rushing towards him.

"Xie Tiao! Xie Tiao! You can't escape!"

Someone told him that he was here to collect usury.

"Your name is Xie Tiao? Today you are from Fantasy Garden."

It was the manager who took over from him in Fantasyland.

"Thank you! Take off!"

It was the guests who took the wine, made him take off his clothes, made him drink until his stomach turned over, and still wanted to drink.

It was the guests who put their hands in his clothes regardless.

"Thank you."

It is Qi Hengzhi.

Xie Tiao was startled awake.

With the calls from reality, his dream ended, his "normal life" collapsed, he woke up, lying in the beautiful, but alone.

After waking up, it was difficult to fall asleep again. Xie Tiao got up, went to the toilet, went to the bar and poured a small glass of whiskey. Only with the wine in his hand did he feel a sense of reality.At the moment he is in Qi Hengzhi's small building.

Sitting until midnight, until he was almost in a trance, he saw the phone screen light up and a message came in.

He glanced at the information, and time seemed to freeze on him from now on, and the pupils of his eyes seemed to be dull.Hollow as a doll.

The next day, Xie Tiao slipped out of the small red building.He went straight to the city center hospital.

Tini lay with bandages and gauze on her face, her face was bruised.Unusually ugly bandages.Xie Tiao looked at the medical certificate on the bed, it said a large spleen laceration.His face was a little dignified.

Tini had already undergone an operation last time when the glass was inserted into the abdominal cavity. This time, from the trauma on his face, he could tell that the injury was not serious. Although he cleaned it up, he was still ugly and hideous.He frowned thinking about Tini's body, at this moment, Tini turned slightly sideways and woke up.

Xie Tiao helped him turn over, saw that he was not feeling well, and found that his urine bag was almost full.Just help to change the urine bag.

"How could it hurt like this?"

"Who beat you like this?"

"What happened?"

Xie Tiao was in a hurry, his words were like a cannonball, Tini was still in pain, and the anesthesia had just worn off: "It's my fault. It's okay."

Tini didn't want to say more, because there was some inside information, and there was a bit of regret in his eyes at the moment.But he calmed down quickly, and said to Xie Tiao, "I am infected with HIV."

Tini is very guilty, his guilt is written on his face, facing the innocent Xie Tiao who may be implicated by him, Tini's words froze.

"I know…"

"Do you still remember that I had a lot of blood left that day. I remember that you were holding a hemostatic sticker in your hand that day."

"Xie Tiao, I'm sorry."

At that moment, Xie Tiao was stunned, for a long time, his heart was so empty that it was filled with wind.

Xie Tiao walked out of the hospital, walked aimlessly, got on the subway, crossed small alleys, walked across overpasses, walked around, and found himself

It turned out to be the McDonald's next to the original home.

He looked at the big yellow M.Daze.Everyone around him was already looking at him. Who would stand by the side of the road in the middle of the afternoon, staring at the McDonald's sign in a daze?

Xie Tiao pushed the door open and ordered a fried chicken and ice cream.

He loved McDonald's when he was in Fantasyland.

McDonald's is open 24 hours, and you can eat a large piece of meat for 30 yuan.It won't be too embarrassing to eat alone. When he is hungry and tired after get off work alone, when he is too hungry, he eats McDonald's.

When he feels that life is too hard, he eats Mai Xuanfeng.

At this moment, he looked at the text on the phone page: "AIDS is a very harmful infectious disease caused by HIV infection. HIV is a virus that can attack the human immune system."

The ice cream melted on the side, and the chicken wings were cold on the side.Xie Tiao sat blankly, and then he made a phone call.

Qi Hengzhi's phone couldn't be answered.

The next day Xie Tiao went to the CDC by himself. He felt that he was selfish. If he couldn't contact Qi Hengzhi, he should send him a message, send him an email, or find anyone around him.Qi Hengzhi must be told that he is a possible HIV carrier.

But he is so despicable,

I want to procrastinate until the day when the real results come out.Maybe? Maybe it was just a fluke?

When he was walking on the road, he felt that he was going to go out.

Every step he takes takes almost all of his courage and strength.

Then when he thought he had come out, he was dragged into the abyss again.

Xie Tiao was sitting on a chair in the hospital. There were doctors and nurses walking around in the long corridor, all dressed in white.A little boy accompanied by a boyfriend.There was also a group of boys in school uniforms, they even came in groups, talking and laughing with their schoolbags on their backs.

He was the only one, not waiting for the result, but for the verdict, for the sideknife hanging above his head to slide down.

When he got the negative, he unconsciously dripped tears onto the wet ink.He folded the report and put it in his pocket.

That night Xie Tiao sat on the window sill until dawn.

In the quiet night, Xie Tiao could hear his inner voice.In fact, from the bench in the hospital in the afternoon, Xie Tiao has already heard those small, flexible, and inseparable words.

"You see, don't blame others if you make a mistake, you are guilty too."

When they first met, Xie Tiao made a fool of himself in front of Qi Hengzhi.

After going to Nancheng, because of him, Qi Hengzhi was made things difficult for him, slapped in the face in public, criticized harshly behind his back, and put himself in danger.

In Beidu, because Qi Hengzhi was so kind to him, Xie Tiao was a little lucky, as if he was not Qi Hengzhi's trouble, but someone who could bring joy to Qi Hengzhi and be cherished.

Xie Tiao is such a useless person.

Cowardly, uncontested, and humble!Do things that make people look down on you and look down on yourself all day long.

Making trouble at the banquet is the same, it is the same in Russia, and it is also today, making a fool of yourself in front of Qi Heng's family.

He was suddenly very angry.That kind of deep loathing for himself prompted him to raise his hand, and with a slap, he slapped himself loudly.

It was really painful, and he swung it hard.There were red and purple palm marks on Xie Tiao's face.

His anger at himself was real.

I can't fight with anger, but I hate it to the bone.

Look at you, you have done everything so badly, why are you pretending to be innocent.

He sneered, mocking himself.

He heard himself saying to himself, always making excuses for himself.It's obviously so bad.And insist on shifting the responsibility to others.

Aren't you a piece of shit yourself?

Is he.Xie Tiao asked himself, his stomach started to hurt again.The colic forced him to bend his body.Crouching on the ground, crawling and humming in pain.

Indeed, he really is, sucks.

Xie Tiao nodded and told himself.

Without the gap of their identities, without those embarrassing past events, probing malicious eyes,

He is still a problem.One infection will make Qi Hengzhi get in the way, lose face, lose, and be the burden of being talked about.

Without embarrassment, criticism, without criticism, there is his panic and panic, even if there is no such thing, he may even catch a disease and harm Qi Hengzhi quietly.

He was too ugly to tell Qi Hengzhi that his filthy past and his filthy body might make Qi Hengzhi also contract the disease.

Xie Tiao suddenly understood.

Pulling away the fig leaf of voluntary or involuntary, he clearly heard the echo in his heart for the first time.See this brutal truth.

I am a person walking in the desert with no clothes on.

Abandoned by fate, he was left to crawl hard in the desert.

How much he longed for the clear spring not far ahead.

But if he didn't get close, he would be attracted by the sweetness and nourishment of the clear spring. His almost dry body could no longer bear that temptation. .

Qi Hengzhi is that water.

But he is not eligible.

He has ugly hands, and he is handcuffed with heavy crimes, which drag him close.

What's more...he would rather be tortured by fate.I also don't want Qi Hengzhi to be stained with an undeserved shadow.

Don't let Qi Hengzhi be dragged down by him.

The seed of decision was planted in his heart.

Xie Tiao suddenly remembered that when he was in junior high school, the hot-blooded young people forced to express their sadness, and some extreme people would scratch their hands or faces with glass or rulers.Just to leave a little lover's imprint on himself.

Once in love, you must buy a token of love, such as a pair of rings, such as a wooden sign engraved with the other party's name, and a concentric lock.What's more, be sure to get a lover's name tattooed on your body.

When people are young, they can't help but use foreign objects to prove the existence of love.

He's kind of like that, except that he doesn't need any foreign objects anymore.

Years of greed and admiration.Qi Hengzhi's name had already been engraved in his heart stroke by stroke.

He was weak, and the heart made of flesh and blood was carved with a knife, and it hurt.The pain has passed, the blood has flowed, and scabs have formed. Since then, this name has been engraved, and it cannot be erased.

Determined to make people brave, Xie Tiao fell into a deep sleep.

This time, he didn't sleep soundly until dawn.

In the middle of the night, Xie Tiao was woken up by a phone call. On the other end of the phone, the anxious voice of the nurse hurt his eardrums: "Xie Tiao! Come to the hospital quickly, your mother's heartbeat has stopped! Hurry up!"

Ah!

Xie Tiao squeezed out of the bed like crazy, fell heavily on the ground, he got up again, and staggered out at the fastest speed in his life.

Mother!Mother!

do not go.

Tears kept gushing from Xie Tiao's eyes.

The sky is falling.

He is a child without a mother.