double autumn

The corners of Lin Daoyi's mouth are very sharp, forming a line when he pursed it, his eyes are neither big nor small, the corners of his eyes are slender, his long hair hangs down on his shoulders, the wet ends of his hair are slightly raised, and a few strands stick to his forehead.One side of his shirt fell off, and the other side hung on his shoulder, revealing the two thin collarbones below the neck and the name tattooed on the left chest.The corners of his mouth were raised slightly, he tilted his head, raised his chin towards me, and looked at me condescendingly.Dim light hit his face, the edge between shadow and light was not clear, and there seemed to be a little blood on his forehead that hadn't been wiped clean.Suddenly, I seemed to feel a force grasping me, and I suddenly began to understand what I was pursuing in my heart.

Immediately afterwards, he strangled my wrist, leaned down and kissed me.

"I told you a long time ago that it's impossible, you deserve it." He sat on the sofa and applied medicine to himself, and the blood-stained paper was piled up on the table, "I reminded you at that time, if you don't listen, you are not yourself now Suffer. I have raised you for so many years, and my vision is not bad."

It was dark outside the window.At 02:30 in the morning, I was sitting at Lin Daoyi's house, watching him tie up his hair and apply medicinal wine on the broken wound.I thought to myself, his hair is too much to affect the fight.From time to time, cars flew by downstairs, making the sound of tires rolling on the well cover.

He was still cursing: "You said that you, as my younger brother, are so blind and found such a guy. What's so good about him? You just like decadent young people, right? Bah, a bunch of psychopaths. Let me tell you, Shen Zhiqiu, You don’t want to be a saint to me, it’s no good to be close to this kind of person.”

Lin Daoyi hadn't fought for about four or five years. He used to be able to fight ten against one, but now he just punched someone and would bruise himself.In the past, he could grab the opponent's hair with one hand, pull him up and throw him to the ground, and then step on his back, but today he can only grab Shen Yi by the collar, and punch his nose and abdomen with his fist, In the opponent's resistance, he broke his forehead.I looked at him and said: "But you are also such a person, should I stay away from you?"

He froze for a moment, raised his head and gave me a dissatisfied look: "I'm different."

When Lin Daoyi came out of the bathroom, the ends of his hair were wet.He was biting a cigarette in the heated room and asked me if I wanted a drink.I said I hadn't had a drink for a long time, and he said it was fine, he would take care of me when I was drunk.Then he took the wine from the glass case.I asked him when he started drinking strong alcohol, and he said that if I am not used to drinking, he can replace it with high-calcium milk or health-preserving wolfberry tea.

So I sat on his bed and started talking about Shen Yi.I didn't want to tell any of it, and I'm sure he'd gotten most of the facts, but he insisted on me.I told him that I gave Shen Yi a scarf in winter a few years ago, and he said it was very warm; I said that I wrote the first letter to Shen Yi by the lotus pond, and I wrote many letters later, but he only replied Three times; I said I finally called him when he lost contact for the first time, with the sound of train whistles in the background; I said I once loved him more than my own life—

"But forget it now." I said, "I suddenly don't want to insist."

Halfway through the drink, I went to take a shower and changed into Lin Daoyi's bathrobe.When he came out, he wore a black overcoat over his shirt.Lin Daoyi's home has been remodeled by himself. The dining room is small, the kitchen is narrow and long, and the rest of the space is his bedroom. Almost all the furniture is here, but the space is still spacious.Next to the big double bed is the floor-to-ceiling window, and the curtains are not drawn at this time.He was sitting on the edge of the bed facing the window, and I saw his back as soon as I opened the bathroom door.I climbed onto the bed, grabbed his glass from behind, and drank it down.

Lin Daoyi is my eldest brother, and he has been taking care of him since he was young.I always said that the three-year relationship between me and Shen Yi was my first love in the true sense, but in fact, before Shen Yi, I had already kissed Lin Daoyi and slept with him.

He asked: "Shen Zhiqiu, do you think that even if you lose everything, you won't lose me?"

I said yes, I just regard you as my life-saving straw, if you leave me alone, you are not Lin Daoyi.

He sighed and got up from the bed.He held the medical certificate I got from the psychiatrist half a year ago in his hand, and slowly and solemnly tore it to pieces in front of me. "You are so arrogant." He said to me, but with a smile in his eyes, he stretched out a hand to me, "Come, come to me."

It was Christmas Eve before midnight, Lin Daoyi's birthday.It's over now.In the early morning of Christmas Eve, I listened to the bells of the church and prayed, praying that the merciful Jesus Christ could show me a way and save me from the long-term pain and confusion.Although I am not a sincere believer, He still granted my request, so Lin Daoyi came.At that time, Shen Yi was arguing with me, he hid from me for three months, and suddenly came back in the name of settling accounts, holding a knife in his hand and telling me to die, "Apologize to him".So Lin Daoyi came.I heard the sound of his heavy machine upstairs, and suddenly I knew that I was saved—spiritually saved.

I said to him: "Brother, take me back, I want to go home."

Lin Daoyi's home is my home. Before meeting Shen Yi, his brothers and I had lived here for more than ten years.When he came back after three years, except for a few extra bottles of wine and a new set of tableware, he had changed almost nothing.I want to go home, to leave there, to leave the hustle and bustle outside, to go back to a place where only me and Lin Daoyi, whom I trust, are the only two of us.So he brought me back.

He hugged me in the dim light, wrapped my arms around my back, and pressed my head into his arms.I immediately remembered that it was the posture he used to hug me in the past.And the smell in his arms has not changed, it is still a faint smell of smoke, which makes me greedily sniff it.That familiar breath evoked a certain thought in my heart, I relaxed my body and leaned on him completely, and he still hugged me tightly, so I suddenly realized that the feeling of being lost in the past three years, the peace of mind brought to me by him filled up.

He kissed my lower lip, kissing with both lips.Shen Yi also kissed me before, but I only felt the cold touch, and I can't even remember it.When Lin Dao kissed me, he pressed the back of my head with his palm, so that I could not escape; he bit the corner of my mouth with the tip of his teeth, and stuck to my lips for a long time, and the tip of his nose pressed against me.I'm used to closing my eyes. When I open them, I can always see him staring at me intently.My appearance was reflected in his pupils, I looked at him carefully, and then I couldn't help laughing.He moved a few centimeters away and asked me why I was laughing.I said, bro, it seems like I haven't kissed you for many years.

"What do you mean now." He let go of his hand suddenly, "Give me a reason."

"There's no reason," I said, "I need you, and you alone."

"Take me as a placebo for a broken relationship, and go again when you find the next one." He used a declarative tone.

"No," I shook my head, stared at him intently, and quietly reached out to hook one of his fingers, "I'm too tired, I don't want to go anywhere else. I won't run around anymore, brother, I want to stay around you."

"It doesn't matter what I do to you?" He withdrew his hand, but began to take off his coat, unbuttoning his shirt from top to bottom.I was stunned for a moment, then laughed: "Yes. Brother can do anything."

Lin Daoyi's shirt fell off his shoulders, exposing most of his body.He turned off the light.In the moonlight, there was a little light on his shoulders.I reached out to touch the tattoo on his heart, and I knew it was my name.He got it tattooed many years ago.Then my hand went up, my fingers passed through his slightly damp hair, and touched his ear.The hoop earrings on his ears were slightly cool.I rubbed his earlobe with my fingers.

His lips kissed my collarbone, and then that small piece of bone.He sucked it in and touched it with the tip of his tongue.I was already lying on the bed at this time, I pushed his shoulder and said, "Brother, I'm cold." But in fact, I was very warm by the heater, but I felt uneasy lying like this.So he straightened up, grabbed my arm and pulled me up. "I'll hug you and you'll be warm later," he said.

I lay face down on the bed with my back to him, my collar slipped on my elbow.He pressed my lumbar spine with his palm, straddled my waist, bent down and kissed the back of my neck, shoulders, and protruding bones on my spine in sequence.That way I was completely under his control.Lin Daoyi has always liked to control me like this.A few years ago I was very resistant to him physically controlling me.But now that he's pinning me down and shackling my hands, I fully accept it.I thought, it's better to let Lin Daoyi control me together with my heart and lock me by his side.

No one knows me better than Lin Daoyi, this is a fact I can be sure of.I spontaneously wanted to apologize to him, not by "death" as Shen Yi thought, but by staying by his side in a peaceful way - waiting for me for him for many years, when I knew it but didn't respond Situation, watching me love one person after another, waiting for me for many years.

The author has something to say: 1201:1:1 has revisions.