too embarrassing

"My tiredness and this urge to cry, this loneliness and this longing for love."

——"Camus Notebook"

After sleeping for a while, Niu Keqing wanted to go to the bathroom. He got up from the bed, and because he was afraid of waking up Gu Yifening beside him, he didn't even turn on the light, and tiptoed into the dark.

When I came out of the bathroom, the light suddenly turned on with a "bang".The light was a bit dazzling, Niu Keqing immediately raised his forearm to cover his eyes.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked softly.

"Doctor Niu, why are you still here?" Gu Yifening's voice was a little hoarse, which was the sequelae of a cold.

Niu Keqing stood on the cold floor with bare feet, a little embarrassed: "...Didn't you ask me to stay?"

Guifenin was taken aback.

Just now his head was so hot that he couldn't remember what he said, but now he woke up suddenly, and he had already forgotten the words to let Niu Keqing accompany him.

He rarely let friends with benefits stay overnight, so he said without thinking, "No, thank you. You can go back."

The man had no expression on his face, his thin eyelids were drooping, and he seemed a little tired.

Niu Keqing was silent. In fact, he was willing to take care of the other party all night, and he was willing to turn his secret love into silent waiting, without asking for anything in return.

But the other party didn't give him a chance.

The man's arm covering his eyes was not lowered, because he felt... his eyes should be red, and he didn't want the other party to see them.

Afraid of losing face.

After choking for a while, Niu Keqing finally said, "Then... I'm leaving first, you should have a good rest."

It doesn't matter if you love deeply, as long as the other party says a word, you can be easily dismissed.

When Niu Keqing came out of Gu Yifening's house, Niu Keqing was a little embarrassed.Such an upright gentleman wants to run away.

He was afraid that he cared, liked to be seen by Gu Yifening, and was afraid that he would not be able to keep the last trace of dignity, so he turned into a cowardly maggot.

How sad, they are so close in bed, but they are far apart when they get out of bed, and they dare not even say "like".

Of course, Niu Keqing knew... In this relationship, what they promised each other at the beginning was: not to be responsible, not to interfere with each other, and never to be tempted.

Friends with benefits, not romantic relationships.

If this relationship is a contract, then the other party has been abiding by the contract and he has breached it.

He has only himself to blame.

It was very cold, and it was late at night. Niu Keqing did not go home directly, but walked out of the community alone, walking along the side of the street, walking slowly.

He was obviously very tired, but he wanted to walk, and he wanted to keep walking under the night without stopping for a moment.

It seems that this can get rid of endless depression.

Niu Keqing thought about it, maybe she was just one of the other party's countless bed partners, like a passer-by, a condom that can be thrown away when it is used up.

Doctor Gu is so good, Niu Keqing thought, he is definitely not the first one to be tempted, nor will he be the last.

There will probably be many people who will fall in love one after another. They all want to win the heart of Dr. Gu. In the end, Niu Keqing will most likely become one of the cannon fodder.

then what should we do?He liked it but couldn't hide it. He tried, but failed.

Trying to quit?It seems that I can't quit, it is a kind of pain that I feel uncomfortable even thinking about it.

Niu Keqing sniffed, but he didn't know if it was cold or sore. When he walked, his legs still hurt a little.

The man walked aimlessly on the street for an unknown amount of time before he reached the riverside.Not far away is the city center, which has just started its nightlife, brightly lit.

There was a heavy mist on the river. Niu Keqing picked up a stone from the bank and threw it vigorously towards the water. When he heard a very heavy "boom", he thought it was his heart beating.

The night gradually became unpredictable, the clouds became more and more heavy, and it was as dark as splashed ink.

Suddenly, white snow floated in the sky.

Niu Keqing, a person who is afraid of the cold, walks in this windy and snowy world, but he doesn't wear an umbrella or a hat, probably because his body is cold but his heart is cold.

Snowflakes flew in pieces, there were tears in the corners of his eyes, and even his vision was chaotic.

The man continued to walk, there was a bridge by the river, the road was in the middle of the bridge, the vast lake was under the bridge, the tall buildings along the bank were full of lights, and there was a lot of noise and excitement everywhere.

Everyone's night life must be very happy.

The night breeze was blowing, and bright lights shone by the bridge. Niu Keqing walked up the bridge alone, pacing and walking across the bridge slowly.

He stopped and walked on the bridge, and met three couples on the way, each of which was very sweet.

There are endless feelings between couples and endless things to do. Look, even if it is twelve o'clock in the middle of the night, you can still cuddle up on the bridge and watch the scenery.

What does it matter if it is late at night, what does it matter if it is cold, someone is with you.

Niu Keqing wrapped himself in the down jacket, suddenly envious.

Can he, he can also do this, come to the bridge with the person he loves, and watch the beautiful night.

Can it, can it?To possess the impossible.

Impossible to have... Alas, it is impossible to say.

But even so, even though he already knew that the road ahead was dark and the hope was slim, he still wanted to try.

I want to fight with my lonely courage and exhaust all my love, just like a moth to a flame, living towards the light and towards death.

So what if you fail, then fail boldly!

No matter how cold that person's heart is, as long as there is fresh blood flowing in his body, as long as he is not a sociopath with emotional disorder, his heart will definitely be warmed up, right?

At this moment, Niu Keqing stood at the end of the bridge facing the wind, and suddenly gave birth to an incomparably heroic love——

He doesn't want to bother to hide his liking, doesn't want to cover up his heartbeat, and doesn't want to be exhausted to the extreme and not be able to expose his fragility in front of the person he likes.

Let's chase love.Go after what you want.

No matter how rough the road is, no matter how sharp the thorns along the way are, as long as he has the courage to go forward, even if he just takes a small step, he will be closer to love than standing still.

Taking a deep breath, Niu Keqing stopped, took out his mobile phone from his coat, and dialed Gu Yifening's number.

"Beep-beep-beep-"

"Hello?" The phone rang only three times before Guifenin answered it.

The "Hello" sounded a little snorting, very magnetic and pleasant to the ear, and it was a voice Niu Keqing was all too familiar with.

But this connection, Niu Keqing didn't know what to say.The moment he heard the other party's voice, his heartbeat suddenly accelerated, and even his hands trembled a little.

It turned out that this is missing.

But it wasn't long before we parted, did you already miss it?This is how much I like it.

"Doctor Niu?" Seeing that the other party didn't respond, Gu Yifening looked at the caller ID again, and it was indeed Niu Keqing.

He tried and changed the way of asking: "Ke Qing?"

This shallow and lazy "Keqing" jumped out of the noise of traffic behind him, and smashed into Niu Keqing's heart so clearly.

He dialed this number just now on a whim, but he didn't prepare his lines, and he didn't even dare to say "Hello".

However, he suddenly remembered that Guifenin was ill, and he should still be asleep now, and was woken up by the phone call.

Realizing this, Niu Ke said with a clumsy voice: "...I made a wrong call."

He hastily pressed the phone and ended the inexplicable call.The courage that was so high not long ago suddenly disappeared, and the people who had a crush on him were really very cowardly!

But not long after, the phone rang, and Niu Keqing looked at the words "Doctor Gu" on the screen, his heartbeat "clicked", and he paused as if stuck.

He took a few deep breaths, adjusted his disordered breathing, and solemnly pressed the answer button, "...Hello?"

Half a second later, Gu Yifening's voice came from the other side. It was faint and no emotion could be heard.

"Doctor Niu, do you miss me?"

At this moment, Niu Keqing's head roared, both sad and happy.

The brilliant night scene on the bank was reflected, covering the surface of the river with a layer of golden mist, and there were noisy and noisy traffic of cars, horses and people everywhere, but in this small area, this man was very lonely.

The so-called not asking for anything in return is just self-deception.

Love is like this. Once you have a little affection for yourself, you can't help but expect the same affection from the other party.

Even if it's just a little bit, even if it's begging for mercy.

A call back from the other party can make him fascinated, bewitched, crazily liking, crazily lusting after, the kind that can't survive without being crazy.

The blur in front of his eyes gradually expanded, and Niu Keqing said to the person on the phone: "I am standing on the bridge now, and the fog here is so heavy."

Gu Yverning paused for a while, and didn't ask him why he was going to the bridge at night, but asked softly, "Isn't it cold?"

Niu Keqing didn't answer him, but continued to say what he wanted to say: "I really want to become a fog, so that... I can always surround Dr. Gu."

There was a long silence on the phone.

They were just separated by a phone call, both of them were silent like late at night, and no one spoke.

After what seemed like a long century, Guifenin sighed imperceptibly through the phone.

In the end, he just said: "The fog will clear up eventually. It's cold on the bridge, go home quickly."

The next second, the phone hung up.

The night was getting darker again, and Niu Keqing stood alone on the bridge, still keeping his mobile phone close to his ear, listening to the voice inside alone.

"Beep-beep-beep-"

The world is vast, and the only sound in my ears is the sound of the phone being hung up, which is so harsh and long.

In the end, it's just self-impressed.

The lights on the bank of the river were brightly lit, and Niu Keqing stood at the head of the bridge for a long time, stepping on a piece of ice and snow under his feet, both sad and sad.

It was really cold on the bridge, and the wind was still strong, which made people's eyes sore, and they really wanted to cry.

What's on your mind?

There is tiredness, loneliness, the urge to cry, and a longing for love.