【Mustard】Combined for a long time must be divided

Atsushi Nakajima's thought when he saw Akutagawa Ryunosuke for the first time was to retreat to the compartment and lock the door for some reason; Stepping into the compartment, the front road is blocked, and the back road has no way to retreat, a desperate situation.

"...Hey, what a coincidence. Are you coming to the toilet too?"

He gave a dry laugh.

This is a bit of self-deception, they know why Akutagawa Ryunosuke is here.Atsushi Nakajima is a person who understands the status quo very clearly. Since Ryunosuke Akutagawa is standing in front of him now, and he can't get out, it's better to talk about it here so that everyone can relax.But the only problem is that he missed the good opportunity to tell the truth. When he faced Akutagawa in the office, he didn't expect to be smashed face to face. It would be embarrassing to talk about it now.

But it's better to be decisive than to procrastinate. Atsushi Nakajima knows this truth well, so under the silent almost persuasive eyes, he tugged at the corner of his mouth and sighed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't make it clear to you before. Since Ms. Higuchi is back, I think I have to consciously return my position to her, so I contacted Mr. Dazai... He has agreed to let me return to the sales department to resume my job."

After he really finished speaking, Atsushi Nakajima realized that this is actually nothing. It is normal for every company to change jobs. If there is something wrong with him, he will probably do it first, and it may make Akutagawa feel that he is authoritative. be provoked.

But I really don't mean that, Dun thought.

So he didn't know why Akutagawa Ryunosuke didn't move at all, and even sneered after hearing his explanation: "So?"

"So..." Atsushi Nakajima was overwhelmed by his aura, and his mind went blank, "So...?"

"Is this the last thing you came up with?"

Akutagawa Ryunosuke asked.

His words suddenly brought Atsushi Nakajima back to the night that was shining with a quiet and bright moon not long ago. It really didn’t take long, it seemed like it happened yesterday, and he still had the courage to show his sincerity to others That node—he never thought that he would lose in such a short period of time.

But there is no escape, Akutagawa Ryunosuke asked this, and he had to give an answer.

Atsushi Nakajima suddenly felt a little tired.Why am I always in this dilemma?Tachihara Michizo once joked that his fate was good, but he really never received any favor from the goddess Norns. He was abandoned from birth, and all he saw in his childhood was darkness; he kept himself in the chaos, and met Dazai Zhi Shi thought that all the hardships would be rewarding, but turned around and fell into a new trap—if this person was destined not to belong to him from the beginning, then why would he make such a joke on himself?

Rather than losing after getting it, Atsushi Nakajima would rather never have a fantasy opportunity.

Akutagawa Ryunosuke should understand this. Since he has experienced the warmth and coldness of the world, is it too cruel to force himself to explain the answer?

When Atsushi Nakajima thought of this, he didn't know what expression he should put on to face him. He couldn't even figure out Akutagawa's real thoughts—I couldn't even understand him.

"Yes, I thought about that. I don't think we are suitable."

It's inappropriate, but now Ryunosuke Akutagawa finds it ridiculous.It was also because of this reason that he separated from Higuchi Ichiyo in the first place. The goals they saw were completely different, and Akutagawa thought so at the time; who knew that half a year later, he met someone who could touch his heart, and finally He was rejected with the same excuse——

What an irony.

But different.

If Atsushi Nakajima had really thought about it and finally chose the opposite path and planned to run counter to him, although it was regrettable, he firmly believed that no one would regret it; but Atsushi Nakajima who was standing in front of him was obviously troubled by something That said, Ryunosuke Akutagawa wouldn't agree if it wasn't for the cause and effect confirmed after calm thinking.

——What's more, Dazai Osamu even notified himself of the news that he wanted to resign.

Atsushi Nakajima pretended to be as usual after leaving his office in the morning. Although he was not a clever character, he was almost the best at concealing what was going on in his heart.Akutagawa Ryunosuke knew that he had a momentary disturbance yesterday, and if he guessed seriously, he could probably feel that the reason was related to Ichiyo Higuchi, but he was not Atsushi Nakajima, and he couldn't fully confirm Atsushi Nakajima's thoughts, and he couldn't make a move for a while. .

It's just that he didn't expect that when he called Atsushi Nakajima, the other party blatantly hung up on him and turned off the phone.

There are still some worries and worries, but Akutagawa Ryunosuke believes that Atsushi Nakajima is mature enough to have his own opinions, so he chooses to take a step back and wait; he gave Atsushi Nakajima space, and this part of the space is now a place to indulge the other party. The protective umbrella that retreated again and again gave him the courage to leave without saying a word.

"Inappropriate?" Akutagawa Ryunosuke repeated these three words, "It's only now that you came up with such a perfunctory excuse? If you really think so, then shouldn't you have this awareness from the beginning?"

Don't reveal any exciting elements at the very beginning. Wouldn't it be better to cut off all unnecessary personal feelings?

"—Why did you come forward that night?"

His tone was curt and sullen, and he sounded questioning.This kind of questioning made Atsushi Nakajima rush to the bottom of his heart. He gritted his teeth and his eyes were flushed: "I also hope that I have never been here from the beginning. Driven by emotions, I will end up with nothing. I thought you understood , Akutagawa, fate is playing tricks on me, I am not someone who can stay by your side."

Akutagawa Ryunosuke was also agitated by these words of not knowing who he was denying. He thought he had expressed his heart, and his feelings and heart were pulling him. The final point was Atsushi Nakajima, but Atsushi Nakajima Can still say "I'm not the one to be around you" in this situation.

Whose heart is worthless?

He leaned forward again in the cramped and narrow space, his voice was already full of uncontrollable anger, and he even laughed out of anger: "Then tell me, in your eyes, who do I need to be by my side?" ?”

"—Ichiyo Higuchi has already returned to you, do you still want to ask me like this now?!"

Including Ryunosuke Akutagawa, no one has seen Atsushi Nakajima really angry.He seems to be always gentle, impeccable, respectful and respectful after addressing people, his words have never been sharp and hurtful, and he is as regular as some fake programs rooted in his body-but Ryunosuke Akutagawa is his perfect There is a gap in the procedure, when he faces Akutagawa Ryunosuke, he will play with his temper, get awkward, and speak out his thoughts; even after several months of getting along, he will put the mask on in such a embarrassing way. shredded.

Tears are just a physiological phenomenon, but the causes of physiological phenomena are not the same.Atsushi Nakajima couldn't tell whether the reason for crying was anger or sadness, and he also couldn't tell whether the source of anger or sadness was jealousy or inferiority complex, but at that moment his suppressed emotions suddenly broke out: he yelled at Akutagawa come out.

Akutagawa obviously hesitated for a moment because of his abnormality, and then said: "Higuchi she..."

"She likes you so much," Atsushi Nakajima wiped his eyes with wet eyes, "She is so good, and she was your former girlfriend and your first love. Now that your first love is back, my first love should be It’s over, isn’t it a good thing to have this kind of self-knowledge?! Then why do you still force me to tell such obvious facts, so that you will feel more fulfilled?!”

Mingming wanted to take a step out of the safe zone and try to love, but he didn't have that kind of time anymore, not to mention fighting, he didn't even have the qualifications to stand beside Akutagawa from the very beginning.

Atsushi Nakajima understood, but he was not reconciled.He can just retreat completely, leaving his dignity and decency behind, and he can pass by with a smile when he mentions it later; or he can disappear without a sound, without a trace, or even pretend that nothing happened, Either way, it's better than now.

Better than that layer of false camouflage being torn off with blood and revealing the real panicked self.

He didn't want to cry, no one wanted to show his ugly feelings to others, but it hurt so much that he was shaking all over his body; he was very angry with himself, and couldn't figure out why he became so ugly just because of this one person. Not at all like himself, whether laughing or crying, as long as there is a little bit of Akutagawa Ryunosuke, the relationship becomes extraordinary.

The track is shifted, the relationship is out of balance, and I can't find my own heart, but it pales in comparison to others.

So ugly.

Dun tried his best not to cry out, but the sobbing voice was still too clear in the emptiness, just like the overly strong feelings buried in his heart, no matter how he concealed them, they would eventually be exposed.

"...don't cry."

After being yelled at by him, Ryunosuke Akutagawa suddenly calmed down a bit. He tried to raise his hand to touch Atsushi Nakajima, but was thrown away immediately.

"Let me go, Akutagawa Ryunosuke," Atsushi Nakajima covered his eyes in embarrassment, "Let me out."

"..."

Akutagawa let out a breath suddenly.

"So it's because of Higuchi? Do you think I'm more inclined to her than you?"

"What do I think can change?" Atsushi Nakajima asked back, his body was still trembling slightly due to too strong emotions, "The fact is that I am not as good as her, and you have admitted it yourself."

"Then why do you have to compare with her? I also said that she is her and you are you. I never force you to be like her—"

"But you like her. You like her."

When Atsushi Nakajima interrupted Ryunosuke Akutagawa, he was finally able to control his tears. He almost used up all his strength to repeat this sentence twice. This kind of thing will never end if it is not said.

"It's over, that's in the past. Now it's about you—"

"Now she's back," Atsushi Nakajima interrupted him again, "by your side, doing the work before leaving, returning to the position before leaving, and the next step will be to get the feeling before leaving—"

He couldn't finish the sentence, Akutagawa Ryunosuke pushed him hard on the partition behind him, and there was a loud bang.

Before Atsushi Nakajima had time to cry out in pain, his lips were bitten.

This can't be considered a kiss, he can only feel the pain of being ravaged, and there is no joy at all; it seems that Akutagawa Ryunosuke's purpose is not to kiss, but simply wants him to shut up - that's what he really thinks .

Chatting endlessly and not listening to people's speech, it is annoying to have a headache.

Atsushi Nakajima was a little dizzy when they parted. He had expended a lot of energy when he cried bitterly before, and after being blocked and deprived of a respiratory organ, he was even a little hypoxic, and his eyes turned black for a while.

"Now I can listen to people honestly. For me, the feelings that have passed are like rivers that have flowed. I am not greedy, let alone look back."

"——I used to think that taking a step back would give you more space to think, but I didn't expect that let alone thinking, you don't even seem to have a brain. As long as I take a step back, you will take a hundred steps back. In this case, now , right here and now, let me tell you clearly—the person I like is you, so you don’t need to have that kind of extra self-knowledge.”

"It's really stupid," Akutagawa didn't hold back, and clicked his tongue. "If you feel doubtful, you can confirm it with me, and if you feel bored, you can speak out. I thought you could do this."

Atsushi Nakajima stared at him with still red eyes, without saying a word.

His breathing was still short, but his mind was much calmer than before, Akutagawa Ryunosuke's voice was like a basin of cold water, pouring out his extremely hot and burning emotions, and pouring them all out.

He said he likes me.

—unreasonable, incomprehensible.Ichiyo Higuchi is by his side, why would he like me?

Atsushi Nakajima feels that he is completely distorted now, joy, pain, doubts and sobriety are all blended together, he has no way of judging his current mood, and he simply doesn't understand himself better than a third party.

But he doesn't know that it's normal. If he really likes someone, he starts from feeling unworthy of him.This kind of inferiority just proves that his liking is too deep, otherwise, he would not need to lose himself for a completely unrelated person, would not be dragged into his thoughts by him, would not be nearly collapsed because of him——

He's never loved anyone, so he doesn't know that love is such a painful, maddening thing.

Nakajima Atsushi said vigilantly and hesitantly: "You..."

"Don't dawdle, I don't have that patience." This time it was Akutagawa Ryunosuke's turn to interrupt him, "I won't back down again, you decide whether you want to move forward or not."

He explained everything clearly. It took Atsushi Nakajima a while to realize the current situation. He had already told me that he liked it, and the choice was in my hands.

In fact, he has always been an insecure person. Because he has experienced more than ordinary people, it is difficult to trust without defense. I am afraid Akutagawa is the same on this point; but even so, the other party is still the first to reach out to him. He had obviously been hurt by indescribable malice, but those things were left behind as if they had never affected him.

Because it's me.

Because I believe in me, because I think I'm worth it.

...Because you like me.

Atsushi Nakajima wanted to cry, but also wanted to laugh. He couldn't control his mentality well, so in the end he could only show an ugly complex expression mixed with tears and a smile.

"..." Ryunosuke Akutagawa sighed, "This expression is really ugly."

"It's because of you," Dun replied, "whether I'm sad or happy, no matter what expression I make now, it's because of you."

Because you entered my life, the gaps in the pitifully small world were forcibly squeezed open, the part longing for love was awakened, and the self who was deaf to the outside world learned anxiety, restlessness, and jealousy, but failed to figure out the true meaning of these emotions in time. The name, it turns out that such negative and changeable emotions toward a person are actually out of love.

It's too complicated, Atsushi Nakajima thinks, he has experienced so much, but he still doesn't seem to have learned; but the only thing is certain, Ryunosuke Akutagawa is standing in front of him now, what he said and did, he let I can't even find myself...

As long as he stretches out his hand, even if there is a cliff ahead, Atsushi Nakajima will jump off without hesitation.

"I'm stupid," he said. "People who are driven by emotion are stupid—I feel so even now. But..."

He didn't continue to speak, Akutagawa raised his eyebrows in doubt; then a hand gently covered his cheekbones and nose, and finally stayed on his eyes, his world fell into a brief moment of darkness.

While losing his vision, his other senses became more sensitive. He felt the touch of a butterfly dripping on his lips, as light as if he was afraid of disturbing someone's lucid dream.

Then he heard Atsushi Nakajima say:

"—But in the face of you, stupidity can also be understood."

TBC