Cai Wei

【One】

Life after Nandu will be very difficult.

Beiping in July 1937 was my last and deepest sketch of the old capital.It is a mass of gray and black, the locust trees at the entrance of the alley are lifeless, and the wind blows through the branches and leaves, faintly stained with a rotten sweet smell.I still remember that time when I was standing in front of the window, and the old man next door was carrying a birdcage and blowing the sound of so-and-so’s son serving tea and water to a Japanese officer, his tone seemed to be proud of carrying it, and he squinted his eyes to see The orchids are gray and half-gray and drooping on the leaves, so depressed that it is difficult to breathe.

The feeling that the sun can't see through is deeply engraved in the depths of my mind. Those foreign bombers roaring triumphantly and roaring down the shells in the sky of Beiping.

I remember I happened to pass by on the day when Nankai was bombed. It was July 7th. One hundred thousand volumes of ancient books were turned into fly ash, and the pages with sparks were swept up by the air current.The scent of bamboo and ink seems to still linger on the tip of the nose, but it feels burnt and pungent.

On the same day, I lost my hometown.

Peiping fell.

On the day I left the old capital, the weather was unexpectedly clear, so I squeezed through the crowd and got on the car going south.Fortunately, I was alone, alone, with only the big bag of books and a few daily necessities for company. Looking at the family members who were separated at the station because they couldn’t get on the train, the grizzled mother tremblingly handed it to the eldest son on the train. A bag of peanuts, the hand with twisted blood vessels touched the head of the youngest son who was just three or four years old, with tears in the corners of his eyes, chanting words such as peace and success over and over again.

I closed my eyes, feeling a sense of rejoicing in my heart for no reason. I lost my father and mother at a young age, and I am in this troubled world, so I have less worries.

If there is anything to worry about...

"Weihua!"

A familiar voice suddenly came out of the noise of cursing and crying. I looked up and saw Lin Ximing walking towards me with difficulty.

Lin Ximing is my colleague at Tsinghua University, a "golden head" who returned from studying abroad, and is especially good at science.

He managed to squeeze his way out of the crowd, saying "excuse me" and "excuse me" all the way, and finally came to my side. He was also alone, but he had a lot more luggage than me. After finding the time to put it down, he looked at me.I understood the emotion in his eyes, but I also understood the powerlessness of human beings in troubled times. Thousands of thoughts turned in my heart over and over again, and finally I just opened my arms.

A comforting hug, I put my chin on his shoulder, as if I wanted to dissipate the haze that has been depressed in my heart these days in the hug.

"I went to Shanghai to find medicine for you a few days ago, but when I arrived, I heard the news that the Japanese army bombed Nankai. I remember that your residence is near Nankai." He held my arm tightly, as if looking for When I found some lost and recovered treasure, I felt his fingers stroking the hair on the back of my head, "It's a good thing you called me and said it's okay, otherwise..."

"Isn't it all right?" Before I could finish my sentence, I coughed a few times. Lin Ximing hurriedly helped me out, coughed for a while, and slowly stopped coughing while holding the water he fed.

"You don't look like you're okay." Lin Ximing frowned slightly, full of helplessness and distress.I smiled, leaning on the car and said, "My voice has always been like this, I thought you were used to it."

The two men hugging each other in the crowded car were a bit eye-catching after all. Lin Ximing let go of his arms holding me and said something softly, but the car was too noisy and I couldn't hear it clearly.

The car was moving, and there was too much luggage at my feet. I staggered a bit. Lin Ximing stretched out his hand to protect my knee, which saved me from the pain of the bump. I stood firm and looked out the window, "I'm leaving."

The crying outside the window suddenly became miserable, and the cries of a group of people gathered together were shockingly shrill.

The two of us didn't speak for a while, only the crying became weaker and weaker as the car drove forward, until we were abandoned in our heads with the familiar street and could no longer be heard, seen, or touched, and then slowly I felt that the depression in my heart these past few days had condensed into more and more pain, pressing down in the bottom of my heart, so heavy that I couldn't breathe.

After a long time, good times and good times, old friends and beautiful people, it is difficult to get together again.

It is hard to look back on the hometown.

There was a child beside me crying softly, and I saw him curled up into a ball, clinging tightly to the luggage wrapped in the burlap bag.

I sighed, remembering that after the 29th, I had a cold due to inhalation of too much ashes. I had a severe fever and was sick at a friend’s house for a few days. When I recovered, I packed my bags and hurriedly made an appointment with Lin Ximing to go south. .Before leaving my hometown, I didn't have time to visit the Tsinghua Garden where the vocational education has been for several years.I thought of Nankai University, which was developed to its present scale with the efforts of Mr. Zhang Boling and people from all walks of life. It turned into flames and black smoke in the bombing and kerosene. I couldn't help worrying about the teachers and students in Tsinghua Garden.

"How's school...?" I asked.

Lin Ximing was squatting down to comfort the little boy in a low voice. Hearing this, he stood up and stood with folded arms. "Weihua, you know the purpose of the Japanese." That day, they often used various reasons to force their way in, and took away a lot of research equipment, as well as... a lot of ancient books. Principal Mei did not return in Nanjing, and Ye Qisun and Chen Daisun organized the evacuation of teachers and students."

"What should I do with the things I can't take?"

"They established the 'School Assets Preservation Committee' and retained five colleagues, but..." Lin Ximing smiled mockingly, "I'm afraid it will be useless."

I thought again of the burning flames of the books. Those brutal soldiers rushed into the campus to burn, kill and loot. In front of the soldiers with live ammunition, what could weak scholars with nothing to do, such a plan , It's just lingering.

"Do you remember the dirt dog we used to feed?" Lin Ximing said.

It was a stray dog ​​in the backyard. When I saw it for the first time, it was terribly dirty. I wanted to take it back and wash it, but my throat is fragile, and I often get coughing and sick due to these hairs, so I asked Lin Ximing to take it back and wash it clean. Hug again.After that, we would bring some food to it almost every day, and it was very close to us.

I responded without saying a word.

The little boy beside him finally yelled out in fear, his hoarse cry filled with fear and panic about the unknown future.

"I want mom!"

He sobbed.

"I, I want to go home!"

Ah, home.

I don't know where the earth dog will go to ask for food in the future?

"The lost dog." I said softly.

"Well, the lost dog."

Lin Ximing sighed.

【two】

Wandering With Melancholy, a century on stage alone and sick.

During the bumpy journey, I really fell ill as expected. As always, I started to cough, dizzy and hot, and I was so weak from the fever. What's more unfortunate was that when I was looking for western medicine in the bag, I found that the bottom of the bag was broken. , the edges are very neat, think of a bustling station, and I know that I am afraid it will be stolen by a pickpocket.

I leaned against the window, trying to avoid the air mixed with the smell of sweat and other smells in the car, and my mind couldn't help feeling dizzy.

"Wei Hua."

I tried my best to open my eyes and saw Lin Ximing holding a water glass with a few pills in his hand.

I took the medicine in silence.

Lin Ximing squatted beside me, with warm palms on my knees, just like every time I was sick in the past, he didn't talk about my body as usual, and he didn't care about me like his parents did Counting all my faults, just holding my hand silently and warmly, listening to my piercing cough, stroking my back, changing the towel soaked in ice spring water for me all night, just accompanying me with me.

I remembered that when I went to the doctor to prescribe medicine a few days before departure, the doctor had dissuaded me from going south. It is true that my body cannot withstand the long-distance travel.It's just that I'm a scholar with a seven-foot Tsing Yi, so it's useless to stay here in Beiping.The Japanese looted and bombed the universities most seriously, burned books, looted scientific research equipment, killed teachers and students, and wanted to destroy the inheritance and foundation of culture.

I will not allow it.

The encroachment of land may be temporary, but the cultural fault must be permanent and destructive.

I will not allow it.

After taking the medicine, I became more and more drowsy, and I seemed to slip on Lin Ximing's shoulder in a daze, and was covered with a coat.

【three】

On October 10, Shijiazhuang fell.

On November 11, Henan fell.

On November 11, the Songhu battlefield was defeated.

I was so obsessed with the newspaper that I couldn't help coughing for a while, and I couldn't even hold the newspaper firmly.I heard Lin Ximing in the bedroom running over in a panic and feeding me a little water, which eased the uncontrollable itching deep in my throat.

"Why did you start coughing like this again?" He took the coat that I hung aside and motioned for me to put it on, "Speaking of which, it's been more than a month, why is the cough still not healed?"

I swallowed the water in my mouth and stared at the newspaper in front of me, feeling overwhelmed.It's hard to describe my inner feelings, only anger and powerlessness.I arrived in Changsha some time ago and temporarily rented a house to live in, just waiting for the Changsha Temporary University to officially start classes.

It's just that the sound of reading is mixed with the sound of distant artillery explosions. Looking at the eyes of colleagues who have trekked here from Beiping one after another, we all understand that Changsha is not the end of this "migration".

Where will the end be?I originally hoped to return to my homeland, but the current battle situation...

I picked up the newspaper on November 11. The first page of yesterday's newspaper was written in bold and black letters

——Shanghai has fallen! ! !

I looked up at Lin Ximing, as if looking for someone to rely on, he hugged me.

None of us said anything, but we just felt that the future was empty, everything was burning under gunfire, and we couldn't see the direction of our hometown or the future of our country.

Lin Ximing laughed suddenly, lowered his eyes and said to me, "Weihua, do you know Professor Zhao?"

"Professor Zhao...Professor Zhao Zhongyao?"

"Yes, he arrived in Changsha a few days ago. He was disheveled and went to see Principal Mei with a sauerkraut jar. He was almost kicked out."

I imagined that scene, and I couldn't help laughing, but I couldn't laugh, so I hooked the corner of my mouth and asked, "Why are you holding the sauerkraut jar?"

"When Professor Zhao returned from the Cavendish Laboratory of Cambridge University, Dr. Rutherford gave him 50g of radioactive radium." The high-energy physics materials that are embargoed in the world, Professor Zhao took great pains to bring them back to China, and put them in the school before. After the turmoil, Professor Zhao couldn't let go, so he and Professor Liang took the twilight into the empty building Tsinghua Park brought out radium in lead cylinders."

"Professor Zhao put the lead tube in the sauerkraut jar. I don't know how much luggage he brought when he went south. I only know that when he finally met Principal Mei, he only had the jar in his hand."

I was silent, so I had no choice but to pick up today's newspaper to read again, but I became more and more upset. After pushing away those annoying thoughts, I could only feel a sense of emptiness and helplessness and a sense of loss .

When the value of a culture declines, the people transformed by it will feel pain.

I seem to be able to feel the pain of this sentence in Mr. Chen Yinke's elegy for Mr. Wang Guowei.