Cai Wei

【ten】

Lin Ximing and I were the third group to go to Kunming.

The first batch to leave were most of the female students and some male students in poor health, as well as some family members of the classroom.The second group left were professors Zhu Ziqing, Feng Youlan, etc., who arrived in Mengzi via Zhennan Pass and the Yunnan-Vietnam Railway.

The day before leaving, Lin Ximing bought some stewed vegetables and made another dish of shredded pork with green peppers. I asked Wang Xiang's wine jar for some drinks.A small wooden table was placed by the window, and the sunset sunlight in the evening poured on the table through the unshaded window frame. After dusk, Lin Ximing and I sat opposite each other.

Since the last class of that day, I seldom feel bewildered and hopeless in the face of those heart-wrenching scenes.It felt like the Jews had found Canaan, and the Christians had ascended to heaven. It was a holy land, and my life was settled on the land of the Central Plains where the gunfire was raging.

I am a little worried about Lin Ximing.

We have known each other for 30 years and have been in love for eight years, but I still don't understand him very well.We are very similar, we both have the personality of forgetting to sleep and eat when studying, but he can often get out of the deep thinking of immersion and put it on me.

During the journey from Beiping to Changsha, I coughed non-stop all the way, and my body would often have a high fever in the middle of the night. He would stay up all night changing cold towels for me. It was not until I settled down in Changsha that I took care of it for a long time before gradually recovering. , he was relieved and continued his research.

Sometimes I also think about why he loves me so deeply. My affection for him is more like a feedback, a kind of bond after going beyond the fiery love, and a kind of warmth like a relative.

I asked him after a certain tenderness, he was very tired, but he still held my neck very solemnly and said with a smile, because I am fine.

Am I fine?

I am not sure.

Many times, like most people, I am vacillating between the two options, choosing to only look at the present in the uncertain future.When dealing with the world, students often say, "that professor who seems very difficult to get along with", he doesn't like to talk, and has thousands of words in his heart but rarely speaks out.It seems that I am just an ordinary literati who is difficult to get in touch with. I don't know what attracts him in me.

"Weihua", when I was thinking about it in my mind, I heard Lin Ximing call my name.

"How come?"

He poured half a glass of wine for me, and he only allowed me to drink so much, "Weihua, Ximing has never asked you for anything in this life."

I took the glass and took a sip.I felt a little uncomfortable in my heart. I probably underestimated the depth of his affection for me. The tone of this sentence was so humble that I felt distressed. I suddenly had the urge to hug him.

He picked up a chopsticks of marinated vegetables and put them in my bowl, "Before going south, Ximing wants to beg you."

"Don't leave me," his black eyes were quiet and sad.

I put down the glass and looked into his eyes. I felt that he was afraid, afraid that this gnawing and moody world would take away the most important person in his life at a moment when he was still warm and happy in the last second.I'm afraid that he can't protect me and let me die in this troubled world; I'm afraid that he can't protect himself well and leave me alone in this troubled world.He was so afraid that he was trembling with his current happiness, and he seemed too addicted when he was lingering with me.

I think of these days, he who never gets distracted when doing a project will often look at me sitting and reading in a daze, and occasionally when I meet his eyes, the sadness he hastily suppressed makes me feel distressed.I understand his feelings, I always have.It's just that in this world, even when everything is fine, no one can promise anyone's life, let alone now?

My silence made him pick up the glass and put it to his lips uneasily. I knew he didn't drink it, he was just covering it up.

"Ximing, if I promise you, will you feel more at ease?"

I didn't answer his question directly.

I watched him close his eyes, the twilight slanted down a thin orange light, softening his slightly sharp facial features.I saw his eyelashes trembling uncontrollably, just like the lowered eyelashes when he stopped arguing with me when I forced him to go abroad that year.

He finally forced a smile, "Yes, and no."

"I believe in you, I believe that you will keep your promise, and you will not leave me." He smiled, but also choked, his voice was intermittent, and even slightly broken, "I don't believe in this fate, I don't believe that it will be given to me." Your safe life, let you not leave me."

"Weihua, what do you think I should do?"

I can be sure that I saw the water marks in the corners of his eyes, which lit up for a moment in the setting sun and then disappeared. I sighed and didn't say anything, just raised my glass.

"A toast to the past, 30 years to go, to have a good time and a good couple."

After drinking it all in one gulp, I took the hip flask and filled it up for myself.

"A toast to this day, one year of death, there is sadness and indignation."

It was another glass, and I filled it up again.

"A toast to the future. After a hundred years, there should be a clean river and a prosperous Chang'an."

I drank another glass and tilted the glass towards Lin Ximing who was almost stunned, "So, Ximing, promise me."

"The future is unknowable, the past cannot be kept, all we can have is the present." I picked up a chopstick and ate the rice, "The moment I am eating with you, or the pain in your heart imagining something that hasn't happened yet The minute in the future, the half hour when the sun goes down, is what we really have."

"Even if I leave", I saw Lin Ximing's hand holding the chopsticks tremble and almost fell, "It's just a hypothesis", I added, "I also want you to promise me to live a good life."

I saw him showing disapproval, swallowed again, and said with a smile, "After all, there must be one of the two of us, so we can watch the sunrise in our hometown again."

It was getting dark, and the kerosene lamp on the left shone brightly.He was stunned, struggled for a while, finally sighed deeply, and said in an almost accusatory tone.

"Weihua, you are actually a tough person to the bone."

He picked up the chopsticks and began to eat bite by bite, "You may not know how desperate I was when you sent me abroad. I thought I was finished. I don't know if you know something. All I can All I can do is try my best to persuade you to keep me."

This is the first time I've heard him talk about what happened before we were together.

"At that time, you held a teapot with one hand, wore a cotton robe, and exhaled white mist in the cold winter of Beiping. You just used a sentence that made me unable to utter a word."

I actually don't remember what I said that day, so I had to eat little by little.

"You said, you want to see your loved ones and be able to walk on the path you like." He smiled helplessly, "You always make me feel that rejecting you is to live up to your hopes, and it is impossible for me to be willing to let you down." Your hope, so what else can I do but compromise?"

He put down his chopsticks and approached me, I looked at him too, pulled his collar and kissed him.Biting the corner of his lips lightly, feeling his breath, the warmth of life between each breath.

"I love you." I heard him whisper softly, out of breath.

I pressed the back of his neck and grabbed his warmth deeply, "We'll be fine."