i go to utopia

I was born in a city called Changkang. It was rated as a county-level city after 2000, but this does not prevent it from being a place with no information. Some kind of connection exists with a relative in your family.My mother used to be a nurse in the city hospital. After I entered junior high school, she was promoted to the head nurse of the hospital. In the B-ultrasound room of the hospital, she would call out to people, and she would wait for her relatives or relatives who went to the hospital to find her. In the series, her familiar acquaintance arranged to jump in the queue. She also received red envelopes when I was in elementary school. A nurse receiving red envelopes may feel a little funny when I think about it now. In the [-]s, the hospital could not tell pregnant women the sex of the fetus in their stomachs because of family planning. Every so often, someone would come to my mother and give her a little money or some household items such as rice oil to ask her to tell her the sex of the fetus in the womb in private.

I think my mother has also been an executioner who killed female fetuses. She doesn't think there is any problem with it. Everything is for life, and life is really a good excuse.

So my mother often looks at me and expresses seriously and seriously: "Li Cu, it's all for you, mom is all for you."

My mom had so much expectations for me as her only son that she would peek into my diary every once in a while and watch my diary go from wanting to be a scientist to being gay and then my mom would have a nervous breakdown .

It's very simple, when I was in my teens, it was like a long-term taut string in her brain, and that string suddenly snapped on a particularly sunny afternoon .

It may not be good to say this, she is the woman who gave birth to me and raised me, I thank her and love her, but this does not prevent me from objectively evaluating her as a lunatic.

She once ran naked to the Changkang Bridge one afternoon when my dad was trying to divorce her when I was young, and jumped off the bridge regardless.

Show my dad with her own words - if my dad wants a divorce, then she will commit suicide.

She also tried to douche laundry detergent on me when my dad was fighting with her.

"Li Cu was born to me. If you want a divorce, I will kill him first and then commit suicide."

My mother is indeed a crazy woman, so it is no wonder that she always threatens with death the people she loves around her and those who love her.

And it should be regarded as quite successful. Anyway, my dad had quarreled with her, even fought and lived together in the end, but she never passed my threshold. I hadn’t come out of the hospital the day she died. It is said that he jumped from the bridge, this time he was dressed very clean and tidy, and went with a decent heart to die.

Then I left Changkang City. It has been many years, and I came back once in the middle of the journey. The rest of the time I didn't even dream about it.

I think the old bridge of Changkang has witnessed the life and death of many people.

The old bridge was built at the end of the 80s. Before the bridge was built, ferry boats were used to cross the river. According to my limited memory, I seem to have heard that my grandfather used to be a ferryman on the Changkang River. He has been ferrying on the river for more than 20 years. At that time, the person who was notified of the construction of the bridge fell ill immediately, and once made a fuss with the construction party with rat poison, and finally drowned in the river because of fatigue and transition.This accident sounded incomprehensible to me when I was a child, mainly because I couldn't understand the causal relationship inside it for a while, but this incident vaguely drew an equal sign in my mind.

Bridge equals death.

The reason why I have to sigh again that life is a Mobius ring is that when I was young, I heard people say that someone died in Jianqiao’s family, and when I came here impassioned, the only one that could equate me with death The clue is the bridge of Changkang.

I did jump off this bridge holding hands with people with the determination to die generously.

Bridge equals death.

After I failed to die in love with others, my mother took my place again. It may be a curse, a curse secretly hidden in my family, or it may really communicate the yin and yang of some people, and some people may be destined to die because of it. And die or die under it.

I left Changkang City after being pointed at by others and attended my mother's funeral. I escaped from the feeling of death that followed me everywhere, and escaped from the overwhelming negative emotions.

I said that I can accept any form of myself now, such as a donkey that has been gelded.That's why I can seriously and earnestly express at this moment that I am reborn after death, greedy for life and afraid of death, in short, I will not die.

When I was 20 years old, I always didn’t want to admit that I didn’t want to die, I didn’t dare to die, and I still gritted my teeth and said that I wanted to live beautifully for everyone to see.

In fact, no one is watching at all, it's nice to be young.

In fact, my cousin Yan Lan had already informed me before the new bridge was going to be built. It was about three or four years before I was 30. After I was 25, my life was almost entirely focused on work. I was so busy looking at the data and doing experiments that I was so busy that I had a very fulfilling life. When I caught a glimpse of Yan Lan's message, I didn't reply in time for a while, and I just forgot about it afterwards.

Some time ago he sent me a WeChat message saying that the new bridge had been built and that the old bridge would be demolished in a few days. At that time, I suddenly realized that it was like a curse engraved in my body, and now this bridge The bridge is gone, my curse is gone.I am the one who wins. As a winner, I should remember this opponent I unilaterally identified.

After eight years, I finally decided to go back.

In terms of work, because I have shown a state of love for work, I have hardly asked for any leave in the past few years. The boss approved the leave letter very quickly. I bought a ticket on my mobile phone and set foot on the way back.

Changkang is not a well-developed city. I took the high-speed rail from Shangmian City for four hours and then took the bus for another hour. I barely saw the shadow of this city I haven’t seen for a long time when I was drowsy. .

When the bus got off the highway and entered the toll booth, I found out that the high-speed toll booth was newly built. When I left here eight years ago, the old toll booth had only one entrance and one exit, which was very dilapidated.The newly-built toll station looks very spectacular, with a large red character on the white wall to welcome visitors, "Welcome to Changkang City".

"Welcome to Changkang City".

I went back to my hometown in this slightly sarcastic welcome speech. The bus was parked at the bus station. The traffic at the bus station on weekdays was not that big. Groups of people walked to the bus station with their bags on their backs to wait for the bus. There are three or five taxi drivers standing in front of their car door and chatting at the exit of the station. When they see someone coming out, they enthusiastically ask, "Where are you going, do you want a car?"I found one of the drivers who was so enthusiastic that he almost refused to let me go, and I was very sure that the other party quoted me an amount that was many times higher than the normal price. I smiled and stared at the driver. After looking at it twice, he still got into the taxi with the lion's mouth wide open.

The driver is very enthusiastic, and it may be that he has made several trips in one car to make him feel happy. He happily shared the life of this city with me.

For example, housing prices, such as the construction of a new bridge, such as the recent rise in the price of pork to make people speechless.

When the car arrived near the old bridge, he also enthusiastically told me that because the old bridge was going to be demolished, the area is closed to traffic now, so the traffic is not very convenient, and he asked if he needed to wait for me to return together.

After I got out of the car, I declined his enthusiasm and walked a difficult road to the head of the old bridge.

This bridge should have been out of use long ago, and the bridge head was sealed with iron nets. I walked around the nets and found that it was very different from what I remembered. It is now like an old dying general. The dead man reveals its desolation from every crack in the brick.

I stood in front of this desolate bridge for a long time, and I felt an indescribable emotion in this huge memory gap. It was the voice of a little girl who woke me up from this indescribable gap.

"Hurry up, I found a hole here some time ago, let's go to the bridge to take pictures, anyway, there are no cars to pass by now, the bridge will be gone in two days, and you can't even see it!"

The voice sounded very lively and moving. I turned my eyes when I heard the voice, and saw a few high school students happily walking towards the bridge.

In my memory, there should be a high school nearby. When I was studying, I went to school nearby. I didn’t want to go to the bridge to enjoy the wind at night when I didn’t want to go to self-study. I remember that being a student in summer is the most difficult time. There is no air-conditioning in the classroom. There are two hanging fans on the top and four wall fans on the wall. No matter how hot the air blows out, I was most afraid of heat when I was a student. I prefer to come here to enjoy the cool breeze at night in summer. From the end of the bridge to the end in the summer night, I told that person in detail and rigorously how my grandfather punted under the bridge in the past, and how he was afraid of losing his job because of the notification of the bridge construction. The spirit is not good, and finally stumbles and falls into the water and dies.

At that time, I didn’t actually think about the serious topic of death at all, and I never thought about the collapse of the bridge while jumping and jumping on the bridge.

Everything is about young people showing their profundity like a bird showing its beautiful feathers. Now I want to add a little comedy effect out of thin air.

And at this moment, the group of high school students who I suspected were high school students who skipped class and came out to play, they ran and jumped around me and walked towards the corner of the barbed wire fence.There might have been a hole in the barbed wire there that had been cut by a nearby high school student, and I thought for a brief moment slowly as I watched their approaching shadows.

The leading girl glanced at me when I passed by me, and I nodded to her. She froze for a moment and then quickly ran away. I was preparing to follow behind a few high school students to see if I could pass through the place they were in. Said hole.

Three high school students passed by me in a youthful and lively way, followed by a little boy with long hair. I glanced over and found that his bangs covered his eyes. I was still wondering what is popular with children now. In appearance, when he passed me with his lips pursed, he glanced slightly in my direction. This little boy is very thin, his exposed skin is white with little sunshine, and he is wearing a school uniform lazily outside the black T. The coat, probably because of this exaggerated and somewhat gloomy hairstyle made him look a little interesting, I slightly raised the corners of my mouth to express my friendliness to strangers, and saw his lips drawn into a straight line, and I could even see his lips. His cheeks tightened, and he walked away quickly.

When I was a child who was afraid of strangers, I followed behind him without hesitation, and then observed very carefully that his footsteps were sometimes fast and sometimes slow, and sometimes he would stop abruptly and turn his head slightly to one side, and then turned his head very quickly. Quicken your pace and move forward.

When I followed him to the hole in the barbed wire fence, all his little friends had already got in, and someone called him from inside the bridge—"Hurry up, why are you walking so slowly?"

With his hands in his pockets and his back turned to me, he replied impatiently, "I even said I didn't want to come." Under the calm tone, I can feel the impatience of this person.

The teenage cool guy is quite cute, I stood behind him and waited for a while before I reached out and patted him on the shoulder: "If you don't—" I meant to ask if he didn't want to go in The position was given up to let me in, and the man trembled in the middle of the sentence, as if he was startled by someone who rushed out behind him, he turned around violently and looked at me, his eyes from his His thick bangs peeked out, staring at me in shock like a frightened cat.

It’s hard not to say that I was actually taken aback by his reaction, and after being stunned for about half a second, I slowly withdrew my hand on his shoulder and continued to complete what I hadn’t finished saying: “Maybe let me first go in?"

Brother Cool suddenly lowered his head, and then moved away from the hole very quickly.

I said thank you.

I visually estimated the size of the barbed wire hole. After the sticker on the edge was cut off, it might have been covered with rust due to the rain. With my body shape, it was difficult to get through easily and without rust. I reached out and touched it. After touching the iron net, I finally got in slowly. Of course, there was a little rust on the clothes.

But it doesn't matter, I probably won't wear this dress again.

I walked slowly along the sidewalk along the edge of the bridge to the middle of the bridge. From a distance, I could see the children who came in before me posing for pictures in the middle of the bridge. On my side, I walked to the middle of the bridge and leaned on the bridge to stare at the rolling river below for a while. Suddenly, I marveled at my courage when I was seventeen or eighteen years old. Up and down, I didn't know how to swim at the time, and after the smelly river drowned, the hand of the person next to me who I was holding tightly loosened uncontrollably.

When that person and I jumped into the river together, we were so tear-jerking that even death could not separate us, but as long as the rushing river water rushed towards us, it could separate us.

Nor is it as indestructible as we think it is.

Life is like joking with people, and when you are impassioned and committing suicide for love, you will tell you in an ambiguous tone in your ear - don't think about dying without my consent.

I thought about this, and felt that I had to take at least one puff of cigarettes in order to meet the situation, but I have quit smoking for a long time. A few years ago, during the hospital examination, I had severe pharyngitis, and occasionally lost my voice. Switched to e-cigarettes. After smoking e-cigarettes for a long time, there was no taste, and I gradually quit smoking. This time I couldn’t cope with the scene, and I even felt a little bit sad because of it.

The phone in my pocket was vibrating right at this moment. I squinted my eyes and turned around while touching the phone from my pocket while leaning against the railing of the bridge. I looked down at the message and saw that it was my cousin. My cousin Yan Lan asked me on WeChat when I would arrive. , Said that his father, that is, my uncle, prepared two bottles of good wine for me. We haven’t seen each other for a few years, so we must have a good meal together. On the small screen - it's late at night, don't wait for me, tomorrow at noon...

Before I finished typing a sentence, I was bumped on my arm, and the cell phone I was holding almost slipped from the palm of my hand. I grabbed the precarious cell phone with both hands very reluctantly, and looked up to see the instigator.It's that cool little guy with long bangs, if I'm not sure I don't know him at all, I would suspect that I provoked him and let him bump into me premeditatedly.Of course, although I really don’t know him, I have good reasons to suspect that he hit me on purpose. I squeezed my phone and glanced at him. Although the sidewalk on the bridge is not wide, it is not enough for him to head on Hit me, and now there is no car on the entire bridge, his little friend is still trying various photo styles in the middle of the bridge not far away, and he has no problem walking through the middle of the bridge.

I raised my eyebrows and glanced at him.

His eyes were hidden behind the bangs, and I could clearly feel that he looked at me for a long time before uttering an apology without apology in it: "I'm sorry."

I smiled at him and didn't respond to the sorry without any apology, I hope he can explain to me why he bumped into me or apologize to me sincerely.

His head drooped slightly in the next second, and he took his hand out of his pocket, slowly rubbing his thumb and index finger between the seams of his trousers a few times: "I'm sorry." He repeated again.

I have always had a good temper, and I can't do anything to embarrass the child. After glancing at him, I accepted his apology very simply: "It's okay, you have to look ahead when you walk."

He lowered his head slightly, and apologized to me again as if a little awkward: "I'm sorry."

Now I'm beginning to believe that he really didn't do it on purpose. With his level of bad words, he can use all the words that would never intentionally provoke others, such as shy, timid, shy, and introverted, on him.

"It's okay." I even started to take on a relieved tone.

He didn't speak anymore. I thought that this unexpected incident should have been resolved peacefully, so I picked up my phone and lowered my eyes to continue sending Yan Lan a message: "I'll have dinner tomorrow at noon, and send me your home address first."

After sending the message, I briefly dealt with work matters on my mobile phone, and replied to two short and obligatory text messages. When I looked up again, the little boy was standing seven or eight steps away from me watching Me, I hesitated for a moment, he turned around and took two steps forward, then turned his head to look in my direction, I even wanted to look back to see if there was someone behind me who could make him stop and go and look at the number repeatedly all over.

Then my brain reminded me that there is air behind me and the river below, and no one can appear behind me except ghosts and people who are about to jump into the river.

I raised my eyebrows at him, he took a step back bluntly, but his eyes were still facing my direction, I opened my mouth and asked very politely: "Hello?"

He stood on the spot and lowered his head when he heard the words, then raised it up again after a while, and said calmly, "Hello."

I nodded towards him, because the distance made me feel that I needed to raise my voice, I raised my steps and walked towards him, asking politely, "Is there something wrong?"

His head slowly raised as I approached, until I stood in front of him, he raised his face slightly, his bangs were gently slanted to the side, a pair of quiet eyes emerged from his heavy black bangs It was exposed below, his pupils seemed to be slightly larger than normal people, not exaggerated, like the eyes of a baby, staring at people and me sincerely and calmly.

—He has really nice eyes.This idea flashed through my mind in a trance, and it was fleeting.

The skin on his face was very pale, and after a few seconds of looking into my eyes, he lowered his head again to block his eyes. There was no expression on his face, and he even opened his mouth to speak very little: "You..."

I waited patiently for a while, but didn't hear the following, so I had to ask myself: "What about me?"

He asked me, "Aren't you from here?"

"Huh?" I paused for a moment when I heard the words, and then felt it was funny. I didn't expect that after leaving Changkang for eight years, I would become a stranger in others' mouths, so I joked, "Is there a big difference between me and the locals? "

"..." The other party replied to me in silence.

In the world of grown-ups, the topic shouldn't stop abruptly like this, so I asked, "Where are your friends?"

With a calm tone, he answered the questions very well with me: "I don't know."

I grunted: "You are a student nearby. It should be class time now. Did you skip class with your friends?" The child reflexively began to persuade, "Don't do this next time, study hard."

The audience of the strange kid’s jaw tightened just after I finished speaking. Based on my guess, I think he might be gritting his teeth. I think so too. When I was studying, I also hated other adults who acted like they were doing my best. Advise me to study hard, so I am not youthful or passionate at all. Listening to teachers and parents every day is enough to make people sick. Occasionally, when I meet a stranger on the road and be reminded to study hard every day, life is too boring.

Being bored, I disturbed these interesting young people, and I said politely: "I'm leaving."

The little boy straightened his back slightly, I smiled at him and turned around to go, when he suddenly said, "Wait a minute."

I look back at him.

He pursed his lips: "Can I borrow your mobile phone to send a message to my class teacher, saying that I am sick and in the hospital?"

I laughed: "Sure enough, he skipped class and came out to play, right?"

"..." He didn't speak, and I could feel his eyes looking at me slightly nervously behind his bangs.

I took out my mobile phone: "Give me your homeroom teacher's mobile phone, and I can make this call for you."

"..." He paused slightly.

I unlocked the phone's lock screen and clicked on the dial interface, but I still couldn't resist the bad habit of "persuading people to be better": "But next time, you can't do this."

He dragged his tone and began to jump out number by number, and I typed number by number into the phone.

After he had finished giving eleven numbers, I picked up the phone and stuck it to my ear, and the bell rang in my ear. I vaguely heard the phone vibrating in the pocket of the man standing opposite.

Because there was no one on the bridge, and the wind in late spring was very gentle, and the water flow under the bridge was slow, the vibrating sound in his pocket was very obvious. I put the phone away from my ear and pressed the dialing number. Holding back a little bit, he stared helplessly at him for a while.

I saw him take out his mobile phone from his pocket, glanced at the missed call I dialed, and then quickly said to me, holding the mobile phone with his head down, "I'm leaving."

Before he finished speaking, he turned around and walked away before I could speak. He started to trot as he walked, and finally the speed of running accelerated, and he disappeared from my sight very quickly.

I looked down at the number on my cell phone, and felt a little doubtful about the absurdity of the situation in front of me. In my life, there had never been such a ridiculous incident as "getting my cell phone number tricked by a high school student", and that The number also sent me a short message a few tens of seconds later.

"Brother, I didn't skip class. Is today's school holiday okay?"

OK, I put my phone back in my pocket.