miss a useless name

33.

In the emergency room of the hospital, the doctor said to Cheng Shen: "Hysterical convulsions caused by great stimulation in a short period of time are not a big problem. Just keep your body and mind at ease. If you don't worry, stay in the hospital for observation for one night. I was too emotional just now. If the person wakes up, try not to stimulate him."

In the middle of the night, there was still noise in the emergency room, and the incandescent lamp on the top shone on Yu Yan's pale face.

Cheng Shen sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his face vigorously.Any kind of voice around him was beating him invisible, as if chasing and asking him, why did he become like this?

He regretted it, and Yu Yan saw his ugly and disgusting appearance.He didn't even dare to think about how Yu Yan felt.He didn't even dare to think about how much pain that person had caused him to be so sad.

Cheng Shen bowed his head in frustration, his cold eyes filled with boundless guilt.In the past days, he has changed, because he feels that Yu Yan has changed.After that person left the company, he had his own world. They were originally inseparable, but they were invaded by their respective jobs.

Busyness seems to be the beginning of all changes. They are all very busy. Cheng Shen socializes endlessly, and Yu Yan rushes to write drafts day and night. became a nuisance.

Yu Yan no longer clings to him, doesn't make phone calls anymore, and doesn't care much about him.He had no choice but to complain about Yu Yan's cold treatment and contempt for him, and even blame the other party for it.

But Yu Yan just glanced at him lightly, without distinguishing or explaining, without quarreling or refuting, he calmly accepted the accusation from his lover, and compressed the time of working at home to the limit.

Silence seems to be the only way for Yu Yan to solve the problem.Cheng Shen was discouraged and annoyed, every day after exhausting work, only Yu Yan's indifferent face was waiting for him when he returned home.He is not an indifferent emotional machine, no one can endure the indifference of a lover day after day.

So Cheng Shen also changed.Qin Yun is a very beautiful woman. In fact, she has nothing to do with being lively and cute. She is sexy, confident, and even ambitious.Her appearance was not accidental, Cheng Shen knew in his heart that this was specially arranged by his father.

If we go back to the source, we can go back more than three years ago, and this is probably the beginning of Cheng Shen's big lie to Yu Yan, even if it was out of good intentions and out of necessity at first.

Cheng Shen turned around slowly, and took Yu Yan's hand from under the quilt.He held up that hand and looked at it carefully. Yu Yan's skin was very white, his fingers were thin and long, and there were inconspicuous blue-purple tendons on the back of his hand.

This is a pair of hands that hold pens all the year round. They have never experienced vicissitudes of life, and they seem to be pampered.But Cheng Shen has seen this pair of beautiful hands freeze-dried and cracked, and also seen that they are so red and swollen that it is difficult to bend their knuckles.

What Cheng Shen didn't tell Yu Yan was that Yue Muyun had actually been in touch with him all along, and his mother didn't really give in.When he came out, Yue Muyun told him that it's okay to have fun, but don't take it seriously, as long as he agrees to find a woman to live a normal life in the future, she will solve the company's difficulties.Not only that, but she can also help Cheng Shen make the company bigger, let him gain a foothold in Financial Street, and let him gain a foothold in Beicheng.

22-year-old Cheng Shen regards Yu Yan more than his life. He is arrogant, confident, and unwilling to give in. He feels that Yue Muyun's rhetoric has not only humiliated her son, but also tarnished the gardenia in his heart.

Cheng Shen left angrily that day, vowing to prove to his mother that he could get what he wanted without relying on them. At that time, Yue Muyun had to accept Yu Yan and the fact that his son was gay.

After hearing this, Yue Muyun didn't laugh at it, but showed the same confident expression as Cheng Shenru, and told him with open arms, "I'll wait and see that day."

In this way, Cheng Shen fought bloody battles for love and the future with a lonely heart.He was also naive at the time. In fact, with his diploma and ability, it is more than enough to work for a top-notch company in the industry. A few years later, he will get promoted and raise his salary.

But in the end he was determined to go his own way, pulling Yu Yan to accompany him to guard the small broken company.The market is sluggish, the prospects are worrisome, and the investment brought in by the mouth and heels is withdrawn as soon as it is withdrawn. Without connections, there will be no funds. Without the blessing of his parents, Cheng Shen is nothing.

Those days were so hard, every time Cheng Shen thought about it, he felt so sorry for Yu Yan.The winter in Beicheng was so cold, there were several heavy snowfalls in a row, the quilt was wet, and the clothes could not dry for a long time.They are not even willing to turn on the heating, and they have to make a hot water bottle, and they have to fight with each other before going to bed every day.It is even more painful when taking a shower. The hot water is often used up halfway, and it takes several hours to boil again.

But Yu Yan didn't complain a word, he didn't say a word of suffering.On the contrary, he laughed every day, wondering if he was comforting himself, it was so difficult, but he was happy like a fool.

How many times did Cheng Shen want to give up, thinking of forgetting it, quitting the company, and finding a good unit to work for.But Yu Yan always whispered in his ear, imagining what they would do when the company got better.Looking at such a face full of vigor, he couldn't say a word of giving up no matter what.

But in the end, Cheng Shen gave in.The reason for surrender was not that he changed his mind and decided to live a normal life, nor was he unable to bear the suffering and wanted to take a shortcut.

The last straw that forced him to bow to Yue Muyun was too simple. On a snowy night, the rental house was small and crude, with dim lights.Yu Yan had a high fever all night the day before, and couldn't even get out of bed the next day, so Cheng Shen let him rest at home with distress.

When Cheng Shen came home that night, he bought two steamed buns to eat by himself, and then brought Yu Yan a bowl of rice.When he opened the door of the house, Yu Yan, who was supposed to be lying on the bed recuperating, was wearing a bloated thick coat and squatting in the bathroom with his sleeves rolled up to wash his clothes.

Those hands had chilblains due to the cold weather, and after soaking in cold water for an unknown amount of time, they were purple-red in color, making them ugly as hell.

But when he saw Cheng Shen, Yu Yan shook his hands and ran over. The dripping water wet his cuffs, and he was steaming white.Yu Yan was obviously sick, but his eyes were bright and clean. He coughed twice before saying to Cheng Shen: "It's just in time to come back. Help me twist the sweater together. I can't do it alone."

Cheng Shen's eyes were red.

The next day, he called Yue Muyun, his haughty back collapsed in frustration, he admitted that he had lost, and agreed to his mother's request in exchange for a stable life.Not long after, Cheng Peishuang found Cheng Shen and handed him a legally binding document, as long as he signed it, he could get everything he wanted.

So as soon as Qin Yun appeared, Cheng Shen understood that Cheng Peishuang put her by his side on purpose, and they were hinting to him that it was time to fulfill the contract.

At first, Cheng Shen turned a blind eye to this and sneered.With such a grown-up, except for Yu Yan, whether it is a woman or a man, he has never liked the second one.He has been waiting until he is full-fledged and able to compete with his parents.He didn't forget the promise, but he never intended to keep it.

But he underestimated his endurance, the temptation in the vanity fair, money, power, lust, Cheng Shen always believed that he would not be abused.He believes that he loves Yuyan more than anything else, and he is confident that the present is different from the past, and the suffering of the past will not repeat itself.

He had planned everything, but he never imagined that one day, Yu Yan would be so indifferent to him.

The second time I met Qin Yun, it was Cheng Peishuang who hosted a banquet for Qin Yun's father, accompanied by several bigwigs in the industry.The night before yesterday, Cheng Shen had just lost his temper for Yu Yan's recent indifference, so much so that he drank a few more glasses at the dinner table that night.

While intoxicated, Cheng Shen found himself sitting in the back seat of a car, with a woman's precious perfume lingering around him.It was an extremely sexy smell, which made him feel interesting and fresh.Immediately afterwards, Cheng Shen thought of Yu Yan, who was already in the middle of the third year, and there was always a faint fragrance of milk on his body, which was pure and alluring.

Cheng Shen thought about Yu Yan, his eyes softened a lot, but soon, he remembered Yu Yan's indifferent eyes and eyes. In the past, the other party would always come to pick him up after the banquet, but now he is only busy with work and has forgotten himself.

Cheng Shen became sullen, just at this moment Qin Yun handed over a bottle of grapefruit tea, and stretched a white reflective arm to help him lower the car window on this side by a small slit: "If you feel uncomfortable, drink some water first, let the wind blow , Don’t work when you get home, get a good night’s sleep.”

A simple sentence of caring may not even have taken Qin Yun's heart, but it was deeply rooted in Cheng Shen's heart.He unscrewed the lid of the grapefruit tea and drank a few sips, facing the breeze to relax the drink, and found that he had been waiting for a long time for Yu Yan to say hello, but he couldn't wait no matter what.

Cheng Shen stared at the night outside the window, desperately longing for some care.That's why he didn't refuse Qin Yun's bottle of water that day, and a few weeks later, he didn't refuse to eat alone with Qin Yun, and a few months later, he didn't refuse Qin Yun's hug.

Even today, he did not reject Qin Yun's body.

Their contact became more and more frequent, publicly and privately.He knew that Qin Yun didn't like him very much at all. To her, he was just the most suitable marriage partner approved by both parents.They are together to join forces, to earn greater benefits.They were well aware of this and tacitly understood it, so Qin Yun should make up for him what he couldn't ask for, and he could accept it with peace of mind.

Cheng Shen never denied his shamelessness. At certain moments, he really thought about marrying Qin Yun.But he couldn't let go of Yu Yan. He did have a crush on Qin Yun, and he also deeply loved the boy who had been by his side since he was a teenager.He couldn't accept that one day Yu Yan would use his smiling face to look at others, so he cared so much about Zhou Fang's existence and hurt Yu Yan in such a brutal way.

Cheng Shen thought that once Yu Yan found out about this, they would definitely be over.But he was too lucky, he would rather take the risk and get all the extravagant hopes for Yu Yan from Qin Yun.

Looking up slowly, Yu Yan fell asleep peacefully, he is so good-looking, it's hard to imagine that not long ago, this face was full of tears and twisted in pain.Cheng Shen also felt the same amount of pain. Regarding his betrayal and disloyalty, and his concession and compromise under the balance of interests, he could not refute them all.

Because he couldn't refute it, he couldn't respond to Yu Yan's plea. He had done something wrong and had a guilty conscience, which was not worthy of forgiveness and forgiveness at all.

·

When Yu Yan opened his eyes, he was the first to see Cheng Shen's stern profile.

He seemed to calm down, and then seemed to be crazier.

"Cheng Shen," Yu Yan grabbed Cheng Shen's sleeve and called softly, "Cheng Shen..."

Cheng Shen turned his head slightly, his eyes stayed on Yu Yan's tightly clenched joints for a while, and he held him backhand: "How do you feel?"

Yu Yan lifted the quilt and sat up, he was so emaciated, he looked vulnerable, his thin arms were trembling in the sleeves, as if he couldn't support the weight of his body at all.The current Yu Yan is truly pitiful.

But he grabbed Cheng Shen's hand so hard that he looked at him with bloodshot eyes.Yu Yan didn't respond to Cheng Shen's question, he seemed to be stuck in the ambulance without getting an answer, his miserable face was full of despicable pleadings: "Let's... let's move, don't you want to change the environment? Shall we move to Central? It's more lively there, and it's also close to Financial Street. It's very convenient for you to go to work, so let's move."

A look of pain suddenly appeared on Cheng Shen's face, he couldn't bear Yu Yan's appearance, and couldn't hear that low-pitched tone.

He sat upright, faced Yu Yan, and held the other hand in his palm: "Yu Yan." He cruelly declared to Yu Yan: "I betrayed you, I did something sorry for you, I slept with someone else."

Every time he said a word, Yu Yan shook his head.

"I'm already like this, do you still want to be with me?"

Tears quickly gathered in Yu Yan's eyes, and when he was about to fall, Cheng Shen interrupted him: "Don't rush to nod, think it through before you speak."

Cheng Shen opened the dripping wound mercilessly, and said in a cold and ruthless tone, "Being with me means that every day in the future, you will live in doubt and fear. Stop wondering if I'm still loyal. Do you want to live like this?"

"More than that, work, overtime, business trips, dinners, as long as you are not with you every minute and every second, you will suffer pain, you will question all the truth in life, how much you loved me in the past, in the future you will How much you don't trust me. Can you accept such a day?"

"When you look at me, when you listen to me, you can't help but judge whether it is true or not. I will hug you, kiss you, want you, and entangle you with the body that has touched others. You are so People who love cleanliness, don't you agree?"

"This will become an unhealed scar for the rest of our lives. No matter how silent you are or how you avoid it, you can't turn a blind eye to it. Are you sure you've made up your mind and want to be with me?"

Yu Yan retreated in resistance, but Cheng Shen grabbed both hands and pressed them in place.

"Yu Yan," Cheng took a deep breath, his eyes blurred: "I love you, I love you so much. But I don't want to see you like this... Do you know how much I have missed you these past six months, I think you can Care about me more, care about me more, even need me more, not say nothing, not obey me unconditionally, you have not called me for a long, long time. I miss you so much, I It's also true... I can't feel you. It doesn't matter if I say I'm angry or naive, I force myself not to look for you, I want you to taste the feeling of being left out. But I saw it tonight, I know How much you love me in such a ridiculous way. I was wrong, I thought wrong, I did wrong, so I can't be selfish anymore, I won't be with her, and I don't deserve it at all... you Like it so much."

Cheng Shen hadn't shed tears for many years, he choked up a few times before, and then forced himself to hold back when the embankment burst.But now he can't control it, he doesn't want to justify himself, if he did something wrong, he did it wrong, love is not an excuse to hurt, he can't use the name of love to tie Yu Yan by his side, Yu Yan is a person, he thinks of it A lover who will feel distressed is not an accessory to adjust life.

Yu Yan lowered his head deeply, covered his face with his hands, shrugged his shoulder blades, tears slipped from his fingers.

"I... I hit..."

"Half a year... ago, I... fought!"

Yu Yan raised his head, staring at Cheng Shen with tearful eyes.The backlog of grievances and anger, the subsequent cautiousness and indifference, and even the deepening silence are not without reason.

Cheng Shen suddenly had an impression.

Half a year ago, Cheng Shen had just started the cooperation project with "Yunshang", and he was very busy all day long.Cheng Peishuang pressed his head again. Qin Yun met him for the first time. Cheng Shen felt unhappy, and had to bite the bullet to deal with that annoying agreement.As a result, there was a problem with the budget of the case that night. He held back the anger he had received from Cheng Peishuang, and rushed back to clean up the mess before he finished his meal.Taking advantage of this excuse, he justifiably scolded his subordinates severely, worked non-stop for half a day, and finally came up with a new budget at dawn.

Who knew that when he got it in his hand and took a look, the final amount was fucking wrong.

Cheng Shen's eyes were filled with smoke, his face was so cold that ice cubes would fall from his face, everyone knew that he couldn't hit the muzzle of a gun at this time, and none of the group of people below dared to speak out loudly, waiting to be criticized tremblingly.

It was a coincidence that Yu Yan's phone call came at this time.

No one knew what the other party said, but Cheng Shen said coldly to the other end of the phone: "You know I'm busy and you still call? Are you full and have nothing to do?"

After he finished speaking, he hung up the phone, his head was so angry that he didn't look at the caller at all, and he didn't hear Yu Yan's voice at all, so he forgot all about it after hanging up the phone.After the calculation of all aspects of the data was completed, Cheng Shen took a nap in the office, and then Haicheng's investors said they would meet for a detailed discussion, but he didn't return home, and set off directly from the company.

That whole day he was busy like a spinning top, invited the other party to dinner at night, got drunk at the dinner table, and only saw Yu Yan's WeChat when he returned to the hotel, asking when he would be home and if he wanted to pick it up.

Cheng Shenzui was unconscious, and fell asleep after poking the screen a few times with his hand. When he woke up the next day, he found that the message hadn't been sent at all.

One hung up call, one unanswered message.A first rejection might be comforting, but what about being rejected twice in one day?It's not that Yu Yan didn't take the initiative, but he didn't get a response twice.He thought Cheng Shen was angry, and he didn't dare to call him again, or even bother him more, for fear that he would be bored, and even more afraid of being disgusted.

Cheng Shen felt a hand strangling his neck.

He never imagined that after complaining for so long, blaming for so long, complaining for so long, the so-called "don't care" of Yu Yan was so ridiculous.

He suddenly remembered Yu Yan when he was young, although he was not good at socializing, he was not as taciturn as he is now.He is kind, enthusiastic, loves to help his classmates, has a small temper, and likes to quarrel when he is with him. He is gentle and occasionally mischievous. He loves to sing non-standard Cantonese songs when he is happy and confides when he is in a bad mood. , I will complain about the trivial life, and I will feel tired after walking too much.

They used to be... talking about everything.

Cheng Shen didn't dare to think about how Yu Yan, who used to be such a lively person, turned into monotonous black and white under his increasingly cold indifference.

Therefore, he is the culprit. He not only betrayed Yu Yan, but also misunderstood him for so long.

Cheng Shen knew he was an asshole, but he didn't expect to be such an asshole.

"I'm sorry." The apology was pale and powerless: "I'm sorry..."

But Yu Yan hugged him at this moment and buried his head on the side of his neck.They seem to have solved the misunderstanding that lasted for half a year in ten minutes. The truth is ridiculously thin, but the scars left are so heavy.

"It's my fault...I'm not good," Yu Yan choked up and said, "You broke up with her, we...have a good time."

Yu Yan didn't know who the woman Cheng Shen favored was, and he didn't want to find out her identity.He was just too scared, the fear of losing Cheng Shen had already overshadowed the restlessness of the rest of the day.

He has never been in such pain, even breathing is mixed with delicate pain.He had never encountered such a situation, and hadn't even expected such a thing before today.He really didn't know what to do, Cheng Shen might be that barbed piece of driftwood in the sea, even if it hurts, he had to hold him tight.

"Okay?" Yu Yan shook Cheng Shen's arm. He was not sure what the future would hold but still chose to deceive himself: "I won't tell anyone, I'm rotten in my stomach, and I'll never mention it. We Well, just like before, okay?"

"Cheng Shen, okay..."

Rationality, balance, those self-righteous open-mindedness and freedom are all false.Cheng Shen's heart softened, he thought Yu Yan had let him down, but he didn't expect that he was even more wrong in the end.

He is so contradictory, he can't bear Yu Yan living in fear all his life, nor can he bear his begging and tears.

He knew what it meant for them to remain together with suspicion and hurt, a blunt bond that was like drinking poison to quench thirst.

But Yu Yan was too fragile, and couldn't bear any blows.

Maybe one day in the future, Yu Yan will figure it out, or he can't bear the doubts in his life and chooses to leave.Until then, it is his responsibility to make up for all wrongdoings.

After an unknown amount of time, Cheng Shen finally raised his arms to embrace him.

The author has something to say:

Cheng Shen is still scumbag and quite understands.

Don't ask Yu Yan why he doesn't leave, slag attack is cheap, slag, scum, scum, and scum. It is important to say three times!