you are the minutiae of the world

I don't know how Du Chen got my address. I thought the last time we met was just a chance encounter, but he knocked on my door not long after that. I have trouble walking, so I rented a room in an old-fashioned community. Lou, the day he came, I thought it was the takeaway I ordered. I opened the door unsuspectingly, and his face suddenly broke into my eyes. We were separated by a distance of one meter, and his face was full of tension. The look, the moment I saw him, my face condensed, and I held the doorknob with my hand, trying to close the door.But he stopped him, he put his hand on the door fiercely, and I couldn't move it.

"Wang Jin, don't close the door," he said to me in a begging tone, "I'll just say a few words, can you let me say a few words?" After he finished speaking, he took a step forward, and my eyes widened Seeing him approaching, I hurriedly took a few steps back without closing the door with my hands. I was extremely afraid and loathed his approach and touch.

My dodging was too quick, he was stunned for a while, then he lowered his hand holding the door weakly: "Do you just...hate me?"

I was really laughed at by him, what's the matter with this man, who is he showing such a pitiful and wronged look?

"Then what am I going to do? Grateful for your presence? Overjoyed?"

"That's not what I meant," Du Chen eagerly took two steps forward, wanting to explain.

"Don't come near me," he stepped in and retreated, but behind me was the sofa, so I could only growl: "Get out!"

He stopped walking forward, no longer took a step forward, kept a distance from me, and put on an expression to appease my emotions: "Okay, okay, don't go back, I won't go forward, I won't come near you anymore, don't fall," he said, seeming to recall the scene on the street that day, he raised his head, looked into my eyes, and said with remorse and guilt, "Wang Jin, I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" I hooked my lips and sneered, "What are you sorry for?"

"then......"

"Don't mention that year to me," I interrupted him indifferently: "The things of that year have passed, I have already forgotten, I don't need your apology, now, please leave my room and disappear from my eyes .”

"I can't make it through," he said, "I can't make it through...Wang Jin, I know, no matter how much I say I'm sorry, it's useless, but I still want to say, I..." He bit his lip: "I've been looking for you for many years...I did something wrong...but I want to explain to you, would you give me a chance to explain?" He finished speaking and looked at me pleadingly.

"Du Chen, what do you think I am." I said indifferently: "A toy for you when you are bored or something you can trample on at will? After so many years, I finally... finally got a little The appearance of a human being, why do you insist on coming here to break it? I was the cheap one back then. I threw away my little self-esteem because of your words, and waited for you in the hotel, but what did I wait for? I paid for it. At what cost? I became a complete joke, ridiculed by people who knew me in school and those who didn’t know me, by everyone who watched that video, who saw the love letter I wrote to you with all my heart, if the experience You still think these are not enough," I stretched out my hand and slapped my right leg fiercely, word by word: "Then add this? A right leg, is it enough to please you, Du Chen?"

After Du Chen listened to my words, the palms hanging by his side slowly trembled, his chest rose and fell more frequently, his eyes were slightly red, as if he was trying to endure something, I am too lazy to look at him like this, and I don't want to see him again Him, I pointed to the wide open door behind me: "Please go out."

"I know no matter how much I regret it, no matter how much I can make up for it, it's useless," he said, with sadness in his words: "I made a mistake, I can't go back to the past, if I can, I want to go back to the time when I beat you hard. I slapped myself, but I didn't expect that things would develop like this, I didn't expect to hurt you so deeply, Wang Jin, I was wrong, but..." He paused, his Adam's apple moved up and down I moved, and said some impossible words: "But I miss you so much. For so many years, I can't get along with others, and I can't forget you for a day. I used to think that you are insignificant to me. Yes, I put You are a guinea pig, I transferred my hatred of others to you...I am such a beast...I regret it every day, I regret it every day, I watched that video, I've watched it many times, and when I think of the hurt you suffered back then, I...I can't forgive myself...Wang Jin..."

"Get out," I no longer want to hear any words Du Chen said: "No matter what difficulties you had at the beginning, no matter what reasons you want to make up for now, it has nothing to do with me, get out, I don't want to see you , if you don’t leave, then I will come and drive here and leave this city.”

"You can't go!" Du Chen heard me say the word leave, stepped forward and grabbed my wrist like crazy: "Don't go, Wang Jin, don't go."

"Ahhh!" His approach was caught off guard, and I began to tremble. Fear and fear filled my brain instantly. I had a feeling of dying, so real, I screamed uncontrollably, Du Chen was caught I was terrified, he held my hand blankly, his face was full of worry and fear: "Wang Jin! Wang Jin! What's wrong with you? Don't scare me, are you not feeling well? I'll take you to the hospital.. ...."

"Don't touch me..." I broke his hand with the remaining sliver of reason and courage, and cold sweat rolled down my forehead: "Go away, don't touch me..."

He quickly let go of his hand, and I took the opportunity to push him away. The moment he was away, the air suddenly became clear. The feeling of dying gradually disappeared.

He stood where I pushed him away, maintaining the same appearance just now, his worried expression didn't look fake, he stared at me tightly in a daze.

"Are you satisfied seeing me like this?" I panted and asked him, "You approach me and touch me, and it will make me like just now, fear and fear, as if I'm going to die, not only that, I can't do it now When I meet anyone," I supported my body and stood up straight: "Du Chen, how far do you want to push me before you give up? Do you have to die to be satisfied?"

He gave me a deep look, then turned and left.

I watched his back disappear around the corner, and suddenly felt powerless in my body. I fell down on the sofa and took a long breath.

Later...and now, when I feel like I'm leaving, Du Chen will appear at my door from time to time. He no longer tries to approach me, but he always brings me something. Food, things to use, things to play, he sent all kinds of things, this look of pursuing and making up made me feel irritable and disgusting, until one day he saw me packing my luggage, and then I saw him The appearance of rushing over with a sunflower in hand.

I rejected him indifferently, and closed the door to sleep, but I didn't expect to open the door the next day. He was still there at the door. His messy hair, wrinkled clothes, dust stained on his body, and tired face all showed that he was staying outside. All night, I frowned, I don't understand why he would do this?A lover who pretends to be repentant?

But he can only touch himself.

I looked at him coldly without saying a word.

He pursed his lips: "I...don't bother me...I just want to stay with you for a while," he said while bowing his head and smiling, with a shy expression on his face: " I am happy to be in the same space with you, even if we can’t see each other.”

My face turned completely cold and I closed the door.

This time, I felt disgusted, because I seemed to see the young me in him.

It's not that I'm curious about why Du Chen became like this, maybe something really happened to him back then, but no matter how curious I am, I silently warn myself that if the past has become a cloud of smoke, there is no need to explore it. It's the only way to let go. The person outside the door is a knife hanging above my head. If I can't make this knife disappear, then I can only ignore him, at least it will be better.