memory hole

personal voice.I don't know if it's fantasy or reality.

It's been a weird night.

"I'm too tired." Zhong Xian said to himself.

When will Deng Yi leave?He can't remember at all.He had just been in the bathroom for a long time.It took a long time until the fingers were soaked in hot water and turned white.When she came out, it was as if Deng Yi had never existed, leaving no trace.

Zhong Xian went to check the back of every curtain, no one was hiding there.

His emotions were dominated by a complex conflict of feelings.He thought he would confess if Deng Yi appeared again.

"what is this."

Suddenly hearing a sound, Zhong Xian turned his head.Deng Yi stood in the shadow behind the wine cabinet, staring motionlessly at the string of wooden hanging ornaments above.

"Last time, there was no such thing."

"... This was given by Dake later." Zhong Xian tightened the belt of the bathrobe, stood up from the sofa and walked over.He took two goblets from the shelf above the small bar next to the wine cabinet, and took out a bottle of wine that he opened yesterday, poured a little into each of the two glasses, and drank one by himself first.Deng Yi's observation ability surprised him.

Deng Yi's eyes shifted from the ornaments to Zhong Xian's face. "You look much better." Jier said regretfully. "I seem to spoil the atmosphere."

"None of your business." Zhong Xian said looking at the wine glass on the table. "When we first met... where were you from?"

"KFC next to SZ Bookstore." Deng Yi replied after a while.

"Really? Are you sure?"

Deng Yi looked at the watch on his wrist slowly. "Since you are tired, you should rest early."

Zhong Xian wanted to drink up the cup, but now he held the cup and did not move.He was again surrounded by contradictions.Reason told him in a weak voice that this man should be let go.

If you let him go, the uneasiness might go away.But if you let him go... Maybe it's not just an opportunity to give up.

He needs to make a choice and the courage to break the boat.

Zhong Xian drank the wine in his glass and said, "You must have other reasons for not being a policeman."

Deng Yi looked at him with a little surprise, and subconsciously touched the injured arm.

Zhong Xian pushed another glass of wine on the bar to Deng Yi.

"Let's make a game. A game called confession. We all tell each other things we've never told anyone else."

68

Zhong Xian visually measured the distance from the roof to the ground.

In the scorching heat of the afternoon, the distance seemed less dire.When a person jumps, they will probably fly in the air for a few seconds.

He hadn't been able to understand people who chose this approach before.There are obviously many easier ways to die.

But now he understands.

The purpose of those people is not just to end, but to cover one more intense pain with another.

life is Beautiful.Everyone knows.There's a lot of beauty to enjoy, but there's also a lot of different things tucked away inside.

"That year, I was not yet 20 years old." Zhong Xian said. "I spent more time standing on the roof of the building than I played the guitar. I entered the university. With great expectations, I wanted to make a big splash in this new world. The first goal was to build my own band. Everything It went well. Maybe it was so smooth. My first performance in school caused a sensation. University is not like high school. There are really many opportunities here. School gave me more opportunities——in a school I did a show at a meeting for guests. One of the entrepreneurs inside noticed me and introduced me to a bigger stage—her company's annual meeting and a bar. You're bored. You seem to want to Fell asleep."

Deng Yi rubbed his forehead and smiled at Zhong Xian. "How can you be bored?" He said, pointing to the glass in his hand and asking, "What kind of wine is this?"

"Sent by Dake." Zhong Xian replied. "It's medicinal wine to improve memory, and I mixed some red wine into it. Are you uncomfortable after drinking it?"

"My head feels swollen and hot. Go on."

"I'm done."

"Um"

"It's your turn."

"what is this?"

"I don't really tell anyone about it. Never. Here's what I'm going to confess — I've been with that entrepreneur for a while."

Deng Yi seemed to have just realized the point of the story.He was stunned for a while and said: "So... You said you wanted to die several times because of this incident?"

"I don't think this incident itself is important. For me at the time, I saw this as an opportunity. However, everything around me turned bad for no reason. First of all, my reputation at school became very bad. Someone Always write abusive texts and post them in my space and even wherever I pass by. Then something happened...the keyboard player in my band committed suicide. Ever since she joined my band, she was inexplicably considered by the whole school It's my girlfriend. And I actually just went out with her twice, nothing happened. I don't understand why she did that all of a sudden. But after she died, those insulting notes never appeared again."

"Are you wanting to die because of rumors?"

Bell shook his head.

"That is?"

"I don't even have a chance to stand up. Her death has nothing to do with me, but no one believes it. I lost everything. I can't make a band anymore. I can only rely on one person. I just give up. You know now , what you suspect is right. I am the so-called adopted little boy who slept with a woman older than my mother. In fact, I don’t think it is anything at all now, but I still have the fear of the past, and I am afraid that you will mention it. This, I'm afraid you will also put on a disgusted expression. Now I say it. It's nothing more than that."

Deng Yi was stunned for a while.

"Surprised?" Zhong Xian said. "Want to go?"

"You want to die because of this?"

"I never thought about it. I wouldn't kill myself, no matter how sad I was. I was just standing on the top of the building a lot, and I stood there looking like I wanted to die."

"one person"

"what?"

"Standing alone on the roof?"

Zhong Xian looked at Deng Yi and nodded.

"Now it's your turn. Tell me the real reason you're not a cop."

Deng Yi still looked at Zhong Xian, without saying a word.

"Look, you also have something you don't want to talk about." Zhong Xian stared at Deng Yi's blushing face.After only two glasses of wine, Deng Yi has become a little unresponsive.

Deng Yi said. "I don't want to hide anything. Until now, I don't know how to make it clear."

"Then what do you exchange now? I have already told a secret."

"What do you want to ask. I will answer."

Zhong Xian smiled, and suddenly said, "Do you dare to admit it? You didn't come here for Xiao Zhu."

"Who do you think I'm here for?"

"I'm asking you."

Deng Yi shook his head. "I'm just because of Xiao Zhu. Where did you think I was because of something else, that song?" He bowed his head for a moment and said, "You really didn't send it to me. I know that song, so you can confirm that I came from your past?"

Zhong Xian really thought so. "if not?"

"I'll answer your question. Before that, can you tell me the story behind that song."

Zhong Xian thought for a moment and said, "It's for that girl."

"The keyboard player who committed suicide?" Deng Yi looked puzzled, "Is she really your girlfriend?"

"No." Zhong Xian said. "If that hadn't happened, maybe we would have gone on. But at the time, I didn't say anything to her."

"You don't think you are responsible for her death?"

Zhong Xian was silent.After a while he murmured. "Every turning point in life must be accompanied by the end of a life. This is my characteristic."

After communicating with Deng Yi up to now, Zhong Xian has not been able to relax as he wished.But he didn't get any heavier either.It just doesn't feel like much is going on.

"I slept on your bed last time." Deng Yi said. "Under your mattress, there is a corner of the sheet music for this song. I pulled it out and saw it was a very new piece of paper. I thought it was a new song you just wrote. That's why I asked that at dinner. I didn't expect it to be you The song from a long time ago still made you react so much."

"Score?"

"I put it back where it was, it's still under your mattress."

Zhong Xian ran to the bedroom when he heard the sound, and sure enough, he found the brand new sheet of music under his mattress.It's just that it's not just the music score, but also found under the mattress the piece of paper that recorded several time points when I analyzed the case with Deng Yi last time.

Zhong Xian suddenly relaxed.Deng Yi has nothing to do with his past.

When he returned to the sofa again, the clock string had returned to normal. "Drink this one. Let's rest."

Deng Yi looked up at him. "If I really came from your past, who do you think I would be?"

Zhong Xian smiled.

"You said I was like a friend of yours."

"Not a friend." Zhong Xian said. "A lot of friends. You have a lot of friends. There's a little bit of everyone. Like the guys I was in the band with, and others, even the girl who jumped off the building."

"The girl jumped off the building?"

"Didn't I just say that? Let's rest." Zhong Xian picked up the glass and handed it to Deng Yi, "Don't leave any wine. This is the rule."

Deng Yi drank the wine.But he was obviously very dizzy.When he stood up, he couldn't stand firmly and had to hug Zhong Xian. "It's... I've never..."

"It's ok."

unrecognizable

69

Who are you attracted to,

what will you pay attention to,

what path will you take,

In fact, it's all your own choice.

Sometimes, I can't help myself, thinking that it is not my own will.However, it is also your heart that first made a tendency to choose.Zhong Xian thought silently.He is attracted by the person in front of him, knowing that it is not without danger.