can't name

People can't always think about themselves, they always have to think about their surroundings.When she was a child, Chen Jingrong chose to be a good child in the eyes of her parents. For this reason, she gave up many of her wishes, many of which were forgotten early in the years.It wasn't until Su Chen mentioned it that he seriously asked him what was his last wish that he could try to fulfill now that he had the opportunity.He spent 3 minutes thinking about it carefully, and he really remembered something. When he was a child, he wanted to go to the game hall to play games, and he yearned for the forest explorer in the animal discipline film he once watched. The feeling of beer.Then Su Chen really did these things with him, but because he was too used to city life, he couldn't go on an adventure in the forest, but he also had a good time in Yellowstone Park. It's childlike innocence.Chen Jingrong kind of likes the feeling of finding something she wants to do and then trying it, and having someone to accompany her.

After getting acquainted with Su Chen, Chen Jingrong found that she had indeed changed, and was really happier than before.It's actually a good feeling that someone cares so much, after all, people are afraid of being lonely.

Time passed quickly, and in this peaceful day, Chen Jingrong had known Su Chen for two or three years in a blink of an eye.He felt that although Su Chen was a very strange person, even though he was not gay, he was probably the person who treated him best after his parents were gone.This man really thinks about his happiness.Really hope he can smile like he did a long time ago.

In the third year that Chen Jingrong knew Su Chen, Lin Mo died suddenly. The public reason was that he committed suicide due to negligence caused by long-term depression. Although Lin Mo's will gave all his property to a distant relative, Su Chen It's not that they can't win at all, but they let others compete for the company's shares and properties, and even resigned and asked to help Chen Jingrong.

Chen Jingrong felt that this matter was a bit strange. None of Lin Moming's family of three died.He thought about this matter in his heart, and asked Su Chen, "How is your relationship with Lin Mo?"

Su Chen replied: "Not good." Thinking in his heart, I would never forgive someone like Lin Mo. If it wasn't for his willfulness, I wouldn't have to come to this world, and I wouldn't have to live a life where I'm working hard but still very happy. It is difficult to live a happy life, my mother will not die because of me, and the Su family will not always suffer from the death of their mother.Lin Mo's willfulness has brought pain to too many people.

Chen Jingrong: "How did Lin Mo die?"

Su Chen: "..."

In the end Su Chen answered honestly: "I caused it indirectly."

Chen Jingrong got a confirmed answer, but she still felt a little shaken when she heard Su Chen admit it: "Have you ever done this kind of thing before?"

Su Chen: "Yes."

Chen Jingrong: "Sure enough... But I always feel that you are not surprised to do anything. Why did you kill him? How did you feel when you killed him?"

Su Chen: "Lin Mo has brought a lot of pain to my life, and I hated him very much. Besides, he has been making trouble for me for the past few years. He wants me to be his marionette, but I There are things I want to do no matter what. I can ignore the pain he caused me, but now I have an unresolvable conflict with him. He hinders the most important thing for me to live."

Chen Jingrong: "So you were thinking about these things in your heart... How did you feel when you killed someone?"

Su Chen: "...Sometimes the rapid heartbeat is a bit like excitement. Sometimes there is a kind of empty sadness. The most important thing is that the murderer must be prepared to bear all these, which is very dangerous Things are things that you have to do if you are determined to protect something very important."

Chen Jingrong seemed to be thinking about something from just now, he looked a little absent-minded, and his tone of voice was very light, with a feeling of sadness, he turned his back to Su Chen: "Actually, I have always doubted what my parents did back then. Is it just an accident to leave suddenly? Because it is too sudden and coincidental."

Su Chen: "Yes."

Chen Jingrong: "I gave up after two years of investigation. Because I was a little afraid of what would happen if it wasn't an accident. I struggled with whether to take revenge, worried that I would be dazzled by hatred, and even if I knew the truth, I would never be able to come back to life. In this case, it is better not to know anything at all. But many times I still feel a little reconciled. Before, I didn’t understand what those people who would kill people thought in their hearts to do such things. Later, I walked slowly into society. Slowly understand, many things are not as imagined before leaving school. In this world, there are people who take revenge because they have been too seriously injured, and there are also people who kill people when they are desperate. People who are still in pain, all kinds of strange things, gradually feel relieved. However, even if I don't know what happened between you and Lin Mo, I don't know what you are like Experience and feelings, I still hope you can do such dangerous things less. Because I really don't want you to die suddenly one day."

In fact, Su Chen felt that he would rather die suddenly one day.But he still agreed.Because that's what that person asked of him.

In fact, sometimes living is really a very painful thing.Especially if it is difficult for others to understand yourself.Even if you compromise with the world, suppress your true self, and try to pretend to be the same as the people around you, the pressure will still accumulate, and your heart that will be sad when others feel happy will still not change.Those things that are difficult to understand and cannot be obtained by oneself are still difficult to understand and cannot be obtained.

And the former lonely boy just wanted to live a happier life. During the time when Su Chen was trying to protect his tiny warmth, that person suddenly said to him: "Will you live with me? Because even if you like I don’t think I will alienate you because of her, because you are probably the best person in the world to me.”

Those who think that love is for marriage may think this is a happy ending, but for Su Chen, he didn't want to move others, so that people who didn't have that kind of love for themselves because of moving and "Only you I'm the best" This is a realistic reason to choose to spend the rest of your life with the person you like.I have spent half of my life trying to understand Chen Jingrong who lives in another world with me, but that person has never been able to understand him.Even so, it is understandable, after all, it is his own desire to know that person, this is his own pursuit.It just felt so uncomfortable and a little bit happy, after all, that person thought being with Su Chen was very happy, conflicting feelings intertwined in his heart, as if he couldn't bear it.In fact, Su Chen just hoped to be like the past, he was just afraid of the life before he fell in love with Chen Jingrong, who was at a loss in the dark and didn't know what to do.Because of the accumulated pressure, the expressionless and calm camouflage he kept on his face collapsed a bit because of the sudden words, revealing a little bit of the blank despair and the suppressed madness inside, and he said uncontrollably: " Why can you say these words so easily? You obviously don't understand these things at all...Even if you and I are together like this, we won't be happy."

It was the first time that Su Chen left him without saying a word in front of that person, turned around and left alone.

Chen Jingrong didn't understand why this happened, he originally thought that Su Chen would be happy.He thought for a while but couldn't understand, after all, Su Chen has always been a very strange person, but maybe he did something wrong to have such a reaction this time?Then he sent a text message of apology to Su Chen.But at this moment, Su Chen had already thrown his hands into the water under pressure, and was drinking away his worries somewhere.Su Chen's liking for Chen Jingrong and Chen Jingrong's liking for him were never the same.It's obvious that he treats Chen Jingrong like the love between a man and a woman. He is still heterosexual after all. What he treats him is friendship and affection and some dependence on his habitual companionship. Chen Jingrong feels that if he has to choose between Su Chen and love , it would be better to choose Su Chen.He knows that what he really desires will not be realized, but on this basis, he still desires to be able to accompany the person he has always liked in a limited time without results. Live like this.

After getting drunk several times, Su Chen finally returned to his own home, picked up the cat he adopted in high school, and began to talk half to himself and half to the cat: "some things happened recently... ... Even if the person I like is not gay, he will be moved by the same sex and want to live together, but if he knows the things I want to do with him, he will definitely hate me, because of adulteration Love born of sex is not the same as love that is simply touched. So being together like this, I can't bear it at all... I'm not so lucky to fall in love with someone who happens to be gay. But there are some things I still There is no way to give up. I just think that if I persist, I will be satisfied and happy. I have a desire to be a hero or something. If I become a hero, I can be loved. No matter how bad life is Is it just in fairy tales or stories that people can warm each other? I don’t know about this kind of thing... I really want to spend my life happily with that person. No matter what it is It doesn’t matter if you want to achieve it in any form..... This kind of wish is something you want to achieve. If you want to understand love, you want to live in beauty and love, so you want to be able to love others, this is also considered to be living in the In love."

"But I feel so tired, but I feel so satisfied. I feel that I am happy enough now. I really hope that the present days can last forever."

In the most secret confession of his heart that cannot be directly told to others, Su Chen saw the shadow of the lonely boy he once was, dressed in black, often wandering in the rain alone with his thoughts in his arms, thinking about his thoughts, Sometimes smiling and sometimes sad.That was a hallucination he had often had since college.That young man was always crying, silently waiting for Su Chen with his deep black eyes, as if he was saying, don't forget me, don't abandon me, please come and help me.

The next time Chen Jingrong saw Su Chen, this person was the same as usual, as if he had forgotten what happened last time.Chen Jingrong didn't know that it was just a turbulent undercurrent hidden under the calm surface.He didn't bring up the matter from last time, but he was a bit at a loss. He didn't know why Su Chen was angry last time, and what topics should he talk about later?Chen Jingrong found that she had always enjoyed the care that seemed to be taken for granted, but she really didn't know Su Chen, and she rarely took the initiative to learn about it. The only time she checked about Su Chen was the only time.This time he asked tentatively: "Speaking of which, I've known you for so long, but I haven't heard anything about your relatives..."

"I have no relatives." Su Chen interrupted him.This lonely young man who grew up from a once lonely and gloomy boy hated his father, and his mother was dragged down by him and died early. His uncle's family found those who couldn't be taken away in his room when he went to study in other places for many years. Collected things about the person in my heart, my uncle and they destroyed all his things and years of hard work too much, and called him abnormal, dead gay, perverted lunatic, and wanted to take him to a mental hospital. They also said that No wonder the lonely teenager has become weird since high school, and then he did a lot of other things.

Later, one year after graduating from university, Su Mingyuan once approached Su Chen and came to apologize to him face to face. It was an adult college student who regretted the harm he did when he was young and ignorant, and came to apologize.Su Mingyuan said at the time: "Brother, you have been refusing to go home for the past two or three years. Although it was because of that kind of thing that you quarreled with your parents, they still miss you now... I used to I was ignorant and did some bad things when I was a child, although I hated you when I was a child, and thought it would be great if you were not at my house, but now I know I was wrong, and I am here to apologize for what happened before."

At that time Su Chen replied: "I don't accept your apology."

Su Mingyuan asked anxiously before being driven away: "Aren't we brothers who grew up together? Aren't we family members who have always lived together?"

With no expression on his face, Su Chen said in a calm and emotionless voice: "Before, I let you do something because you were younger than me, but did you really treat me as an older brother? Are we considered brothers like we used to be? If it’s a family relationship that can’t bring warmth, can’t understand each other, and will only bring conflicts and disputes because of disagreements in the future, is it really necessary? So, please don’t show up in the Su family in the future before."

At the end, the door that Su Chen personally closed came with a heavy closing sound. That door blocked the painful memories from the past from spreading, and also locked Su Chen in his own world.That's it, Su Chen thought silently, he could only deal with it like this.

Closing the door is a kind of protection that must be done, and it is also a kind of closure, but Su Chen still has something he is longing for, so he let something seep out from the crack of the door, and he hopes to find what he longs for one day thing.

Su Chen, who is beside Chen Jingrong now, said in a muffled voice: "I don't want you to know about me. All those who know a lot about me and know me say that I'm not normal."

The gentle young man rubbed his head: "Tell me when you want to talk."

Su Chen: "It can be said that my name was given by my mother. My mother passed away very early, and I only have a little memory about her. She probably felt that I was a heavy burden to her at that time. , hence the name."

Chen Jingrong put her hands on his shoulders, hoping to warm him up in this way.

During that time, the sun seemed to shine down, and the lonely people who had lost their loved ones became less lonely.

This scene is too beautiful but also too exhausting, Su Chen is always thinking, it would be great if time could really stop, it would be great if it could be like this forever.

He was a little apprehensive, and his longing for time to stop was getting stronger and stronger. There seemed to be something in his heart that was gnawing at his nerves.The mild insomnia he had always had started to become more serious, and a thought was circling in his mind, but he was still thinking about it, he had clearly sworn to protect that person.

The things in his heart gradually distorted and formed, and gathered into the shadow of a young man. The shadow of this young man has appeared too many times. This time, the shadow smiled and said to him: "Then, when that person is the happiest How about killing that person without pain? Isn’t it a kind of happiness to let people die at the happiest time?”

What exactly is happiness?He began to think about this word that he had always forgotten.He thinks that happiness must be a very beautiful word, something that although short-lived, can give people the courage and strength to face the next life with a real smile. Some things that seem strange to ordinary people.But if you can die now, you must be very, very happy, and time will always stay at the most satisfying and beautiful moment like this.No more worries, no more pain.Sometimes it's hard to be alive.If you can really hope to freeze your life at the best time forever, half of the reason why you will live until now is that you are not willing to die in a painful time, and part of it is because that person told him not to die suddenly.