I, Qinghuan

"Can I kiss you?"

Nan Yang was stunned as expected, his brows were slightly frowned, as if he was scratching his head thinking about rejection.

A Huan explained in a hurry: "I have brushed my teeth several times. Besides, I haven't used my mouth for others in the past month."

The dim yellow light from the toilet shone on her face, besides being enchanting, it also had a hint of melancholy.

"I..." Nan Yang hesitated to speak.

Seeing Nan Yang's expression, Ah Huan quickly covered the disappointment in his eyes, and waved his hands pretending not to care: "Teasing you, teasing you, I know you like to be clean, so I won't touch you."

Nan Yang shook his head: "I don't think you're dirty, it's just... I used my mouth today, so I'll brush my teeth too."

The smile on A Huan's face disappeared immediately, she walked over quickly, stared at Nan Yang and asked loudly: "You use your mouth? Are you crazy?! Who is it? Who is so powerful, let you use your mouth for her?! "Her heart hurts suddenly, she can't imagine Nan Yang bowing her head under another person, how can the person with the cleanest eyes help others with her mouth?If she is really lonely, why not find herself?She is the prettiest one here with the best technique, why didn't she choose her?

"I mean..." Nan Yang stared blankly at the out-of-control A Huan, "I ate a candied haws with my mouth."

She pointed to a bamboo stick on the stack of banknotes on the bedside table.

A Huan was dumbfounded, and after a long while, she swears a rare ugly word.

Nan Yang explained: "You don't like to eat hawthorn, maybe I still have a little taste of hawthorn in my mouth..."

"To shut up!"

A Huan cursed, threw the towel in her hand and sat on Nan Yang's body. She held her face and kissed those light-colored eyes.

Yeah, just the eyes.She dared not kiss her lips.How can a person like her deserve to touch that pure land with the sweetness of hawthorn?

A Huan felt the subtle touch of each eyelash on her lips, and refused to let go for a long time.She can't kiss enough, she thinks Nan Yang is sweet, even her eyebrows are as attractive as licorice candy, she can't wait to swallow her into her belly.This is the cleanest thing she has done in recent years: kiss a clean woman, kiss her clean eyes.

A Huan discovered something when he kissed her eyes.

She fell in love with Nan Yang.Only when two people are in love, a simple eyelash kiss will make her soul tremble.She fell in love with her, just like an earthworm fell in love with a flower, a mouse fell in love with the sun, there was no suspense, there was no way to avoid it.

How could a person in the gutter not yearn for the light.

A Huan finally let go of Nan Yang's eyes.She panted on Nan Yang's shoulder, pursing her lips while panting, reminiscing about the infatuation.

"I will never use my mouth for others again, can I kiss you every time?"

A Huan asked in a begging tone.

Nan Yang was silent for a while, then said softly, "Actually, no matter what you look like, you can kiss me."

Ah Huan laughed: "You'd better not say such things to me. Once you say that, I want to be a good man."

She was lying on Nan Yang's shoulder, so she couldn't see, Nan Yang's eyes were dim at this time.

"It doesn't matter, you can do whatever you want, you can stay here if you want to, and you can be good if you want to. As long as it is the life you like, I respect you."

Nan Yang raised his hand and rubbed A Huan's long hair, pampering him like a pair of the most ordinary lovers.

A Huan slept very comfortably that night.Because she heard the word respect from Nan Yang's mouth.For the first time in so many years, she heard someone talk to her about respect.This gave her the illusion that she could stand in the sun like a normal person.

Waking up the next day, Nan Yang was standing in front of the bedside table, taking out her wallet and flipping through it.

But she usually doesn't look through her wallet in the morning, because she always gives it in advance the night before.

"Why, you want to give me some money to buy breakfast..." A Huan murmured softly.

Nan Yang counted out ten cards and put them on top of the original fifteen cards. She said seriously: "This is the extra money for last night."

A Huan was stunned, and she pulled the corner of her mouth with difficulty, "Add...money?"

Nan Yang looked at her.

A Huan paused every word: "Do you think... I sold it to you?"

She used all her courage to beg for a kiss, the cleanest kiss in her life, which made her confirm that she loved her. Why did she give her money?

Why be so cruel?

She just...just kissed her eyes. Could it be that...a person like herself asks for a reward even for touching her eyes?Why has to be this way?Why should her most precious and simplest things be stained with a layer of transactional corruption?

Ah Huan's tears flowed down.

Nan Yang frowned slightly.

She just wanted to give her a little more good.

A Huan got up from the bed, picked up the big handful of money and smashed it on Nan Yang's face.For a while, red bills floated everywhere, as beautiful and moving as in the TV series.

"Get out! Take your money and get out!!" A Huan's eyes were bloodshot, and there were two faint veins floating on his neck.

This was the first time she hated others so much for giving her money. The money was like a knife that would kill her, and cut her blood and scum, leaving her body bruised.

Every banknote is opening its bloody mouth to her, laughing at her wishful thinking wantonly.

Do you deserve to love someone too?

Nan Yang didn't speak, and there was a little undetectable pain in his eyes.She didn't pick up the money on the ground, but just clenched her fingers, as if she wanted to say something, but she didn't say anything, and walked to the door alone.

When she walked to the door, Ah Huan cried and threw the pillow over, cursing, "Don't come to me again! I think you're disgusting!"

Nan Yang looked back at her, frowning slightly.

After a long time, she asked, "You really...don't want me to come to you again?"

A Huan scolded: "Get out! I'm not joking with you, get out immediately! Don't come to me in this life!"

"Why?" She was struggling for the last time.

"I said, I think you are disgusting! You are noble, you come to us and don't do it, you sleep all day, who are you disgusting? Your existence is the biggest mistake, you want to remind me every day, In the whole world, you are the most virtuous, we are all maggots in the gutter, we are all worms rotting in the cesspit, you are a human being, and you are a clean person, right?! You are a person, I think You vomit once, get out! Get out immediately!! Don’t come to me again!!!”

She also scolded a lot, as if all the swear words she knew all her life had been searched out and scolded all over again, every word seemed to be crying blood to accuse the woman at the door of her evil deeds.

Nan Yang took one last look at her deeply.

Then she walked to the door without a word and opened it silently.

It turned out that her appearance in this Fengyue field was a mistake.

If disappearing herself was what she wanted, then she would do it.

Whatever she wants, she will always get it.What she doesn't want, she always just discards.Including herself.

.

If A Huan knew that after she said this, Nan Yang really never came again, she would definitely not say that.

Besides, she never really blamed her at all, she should thank her for being able to kiss Nan Yang's eyes presumptuously once.The only thing she resents is herself.

How much she hated herself, how badly she scolded that day.Every sentence she scolded was mocking herself.

She still remembers that one night Nan Yang put the half-read book on the bedside table to wash up.She picked up the book secretly, and when she was looking at it curiously, she caught off guard and saw a dazzling paragraph in the book——

"Those boys who barely know her, crooked handwriting, childish vocabulary, small animals on letter paper, call her a rose, a thick soup that stays up late. Standing in the middle of the suitor's suitor Feng Wu, she has no way to say it : In fact, I am not good enough for you. I am rotten orange juice and soup, I am roses and lilies covered with insect eggs, I am a brightly lit city that exists but no one sees it and no one needs it the North Star."

Rancid orange juice and soup.

Roses and lilies covered with worm eggs.

In the brightly lit city, there is a North Star that no one can see or need.

She endured it for a long time that night, not letting her tears fall on the pure white paper.

I am not good enough for you.

Yeah... I don't deserve it.How can I be worthy?

She hated herself for being a mouse crawling in the filthy ditch, and hated herself for trying to catch the light that didn't belong to her.She hoped to scold her away and let her go back to her clean world.But she couldn't help but want to keep her, she loved her, so she wanted to drag her into the quagmire, but she still hoped that she could rescue her out.

South Yang.

Who else can save me but you?

I'm sorry, Nan Yang.

Nan Yang, help me.

On Sunday, she stood at the door tremblingly, the blood in her whole body seemed to flow backwards.She glanced outside the door and at her watch, trembling with fear.Sister Liu noticed that she was shaking and asked her if she was sick.

"Sister Liu, do you think she will come?" A Huan managed to keep a smile on his face.

"How is that old friend of yours?" Sister Liu glanced at her watch, "Then she must come, isn't she coming at eight o'clock at this time of the week?"

There is a rich and handsome rich man who is stupid and will come to see her every Wednesday and Sunday at eight o'clock. Even the new lady who arrived yesterday knows this.

"Then I scolded her last time, and I told her not to come again." A Huan said in a sticky tone, like a baby.

"Tsk, this woman has a small mind. She is no rougher than a man. If you say that about her, she might lose her temper. It's normal."

"right."

A Huan's heart began to sink more and more, it was so heavy that it ached.

The time slowly came to eight o'clock, and at the moment of eight o'clock sharp, she felt that a string in her heart was broken.But she quickly tied them with her own hands, stretched her neck and continued to look out.At 08:30, [-]:[-], and [-]:[-], the slender figure did not appear at the door.

A Huan felt that he should call her and ask her to see if she was angry with him.But when she took out her mobile phone, she realized that they had never exchanged any contact information. The only link between them was the stack of banknotes on the bedside table.

She was getting more and more frightened, terribly frightened.Only then did she realize that if Nan Yang really didn't come to her, there would be no possibility for them to meet again.Why didn't she tell her that instead of cash, WeChat transfer is fine?But... After all, she is a dubious lady, and her WeChat ID appears in Nanyang's list, which is disgusting like tarsus maggots.

Sister Liu noticed A Huan, she glanced at her watch, and shouted at A Huan: "Hey, she won't be coming, why don't you find another guest? There are two or three gentlemen over there who want to order you."

A Huan shook his head.

In fact, not only did she not pick up customers today, she has not picked up customers for a whole week since last Friday.If it wasn't for the fact that she had Nanyang as a regular customer, the store would not have allowed her to not pick up customers for so long.

She just leaned against the door, staring intently at the corner of the street.Both Xiaoyan and Xiaofang said she was crazy, she didn't want to make money for a woman, did she really think she could defend herself for a person?Stop laughing.

It was past twelve o'clock, and there were many fewer people on the street, and the roadside was full of dim night lights.The guests who intend to patronize are also arranged upstairs, and there are only a few sisters who have not yet attracted customers on the first floor.

A Huan finally couldn't bear it anymore, she leaned against the door and cried loudly, that woman was a deadhead, if she wanted a pineapple, she would buy her a pineapple, if she wanted a red rose, she would bring her a red rose, Now she wants her never to come again, she must be serious, she really will never come again.

What should she do?If only her world had always been dirty.If she hadn't seen what it was like to be clean, she wouldn't be as sad as she is now.

The only clean thing in her world.

her light.

That's it.

.

Nan Yang stood far away in the darkness at the corner of the street, looking at the woman squatting on the ground crying.

She didn't know why she was crying, let alone if she was crying for herself.She didn't have the courage to go forward, she didn't dare to hear those words again.

——Your existence is a mistake.

——I never want to see you again in my life.

She really didn't have the courage to look at that face and say those words to her.

How can my existence be a mistake?

I am the one who exists only for you.

.

This was the last time she saw A Huan in those decades.

After that, she just still lived in that city, breathing the air under the same sky as her, and never went to see her in that tight alley.She longed to be with her, but she didn't want to disturb her.If you shouldn't appear again, then disappearing is the best result.

Her love for her is the most bottomless love in the world.

She loves her, no matter what she becomes, no matter if she is on a bright stage or in a dirty sewer, no matter she is noble or low, elegant or vulgar, no matter her body and soul are rotten No matter what she looks like, she loves her.If she can't pull her out of the dust, then she will fall with her.If she doesn't even give her the right to fall, then she will leave.

When she needs light, she becomes light.She brushes past her when she feels dazzling.

That was all the tenderness she could give her.

.

Decades later, upon hearing the news of A Huan's death, Nan Yang sent a bouquet of hawthorn flowers to her on the day of her burial.

The photo on the tombstone is an old face. She has seen her old face many times. This time, she is still as kind and lovely as before.

She carefully touched her photo with her fingertips, and stared at the old eyes in the photo for a long time.Finally, she closed her eyes, leaned over, and pressed her eyes to the wrinkled lips in the photo.

light joy.

Qinghuan, do you know?

The kiss you are willing to give is also my only light.

During these long years without being close to you, I have always been blind in body and mind.It was only when you kissed my eyes that night that I was granted temporary light.

A group of strangers who joined the fun in the distance watched the young woman not only sending flowers devoutly, but also leaning against the photo of the deceased for a long time, covering their mouths and discussing in a low voice——

"Someone really came to give her flowers? I thought this weird old woman had no friends..."

"Isn't that right? She's lived alone on that street for decades, and hasn't seen anyone coming and going. If her brother hadn't helped her collect the body this time, I wouldn't even know she has relatives."

"I heard that she was a lady when she was young, and she took jobs on that street. Later, I don't know what happened, and suddenly quit. It's strange to say that girls who don't work in this job usually want to leave the dirty place Far away, so as not to delay them from finding an honest man to marry. But this woman still lives on that street after she became a Congregation, renting a dilapidated basement with air leakage, and has lived there for decades."

"I heard that she is waiting for someone?"

"Then who knows? Anyway, I heard people say that she has to stand at the corner of the street for an hour at eight o'clock every night. But in the past few decades, no one has come to look for her."

"Later, she just waited to go crazy. It seems that she became crazy when she was 40 or [-] years old, always saying: I was wrong, I was wrong, I'm sorry, I'm sorry or something. I don't know what I did before. .”

"A dirty woman like her who has been a young lady deserves no matter how miserable her fate is!"

"Isn't it? It's so dirty!"

"She deserves no one to love her all her life, and she will die alone forever!"

"No one cares about it all my life, how pitiful..."

"Who cares about such a lousy woman?"

"I heard that she was very beautiful when she was young. Why, don't you always want to marry a beautiful one?"

"Fart! You want to marry her!"

"You damn dare to curse me, you only married her, and your whole family married her!"

The wind carried their gossip and chatter in the cold sky, shattered and dispersed, melted into the clouds, and turned into a heavy rain in the evening, gentle and soft to everyone and everything exposed by the city.

.

After the funeral, Nan Yang booked a plane to Australia.

Either way, this life is over.Her regrets can only be entrusted to the next life after all.

Mei Zhongli went to the airport to see her off.

When the ticket was checked, a pregnant woman was negotiating with the staff in a hurry because she had lost her ticket. Her husband kept interrupting beside her, which attracted the attention of many idlers.Sitting on the waiting seat, Nan Yang also looked over, looking at it, his heart suddenly moved.

His eyes moved down to the slightly raised belly of the pregnant woman.

Mei Zhongli brought hot coffee and was about to pass it to Nan Yang, when he saw Nan Yang was lost in thought, he asked, "Old Ancestor, what are you looking at?"

Nan Yang's lips moved slightly, and he murmured softly: "...No.90 IX."

Mei Zhongli immediately understood what Nan Yang meant.

The ticket was still unavailable, the pregnant woman's husband smiled flatteringly at the pregnant woman, peeled off a piece of chocolate and stuffed it into the pregnant woman's angry mouth.Looking at them, Nan Yang couldn't help smiling, and said to Mei Zhongli, "Help me take care of her. When she grows up, I will come back and marry her."

Mei Zhongli replied respectfully: "Yes, I will definitely take good care of her."

Nan Yang didn't speak any more, just stared at the pregnant woman who was chewing chocolate in a daze, with secret joy and revived hope in his eyes.

Mei Zhongli thought of the woman who fell into mud in the land of wind and moon, remembered how he watched Nan Yang's noble figure step into the filthy and dirty tube building again and again when he was a child, and thought of Nan Yang's life in the past few decades after they separated. Every night when I can't sleep, I look at the back of Tongzilou alone.The young man clenched his fists and whispered to himself:

"Don't worry, I will definitely give you the most perfect wife."

I will definitely give you the purest woman, a woman who belongs to you only in body and soul, a woman who can live in the adoration of thousands of people.

She must have only you in her eyes.

She can't have any chance to like others.

She must marry you as a virgin.

She can no longer cower in dirty and dark corners.

She had to... be a star.

Mei Zhongli clenched his teeth tightly, looking at the pregnant woman with an unprecedented firmness in his eyes.

Nan Yang is already doing his best to respect Qing Huan. For 3000 years, she has appeared by her side in the most "dispensable" state.She also does not want to cause any shackles to her, she hopes that she can live freely and happily more than anyone in the world.Even if she is not in her happiness, she is satisfied for her.

But sometimes, fate has already written the ending from the very beginning, and there is no escape, no escape.

How could she have expected it?

expected that--

She thought it was the beginning of letting go, and also the beginning of the life of the one she loved was bound.