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Follow the habitual steps and walk on the same road marked to the past.

True memory is actually a black forest full of forks and paths.Now who is also abandoned on this wild forest path, but me?

It reminded me of a Sunday evening when I was passing by the Red House area of ​​Ximending and happened to see that gay candidate whose name or face I can’t even remember now.A block away from him, I stopped to watch him bow to everyone passing in and out of Little Bear Village and hand out campaign flyers.That person is not in the constituency where I live, and not being able to help him with his vote is not the reason for the bitterness in my heart at the moment.He paid no attention to me, a middle-aged man in his late fifties wearing an Ojisan jacket.The ones he focuses on are either a strong bear with short hair and a beard, or a sissy with a charming voice.Why did he decide that these types of people were the ticket holders he needed to ask for help?

He was wrong.The social networks belonging to the same kind have already matured. They have accomplished their own excellence, dare to play, dare to be trendy, have love and sex, so why do they need politicians to arrange flowers?It is not these people who really need and silently wait for the world to turn around.

I lost the stage in the few years after I came out, and I couldn’t stand the pointing and teasing. I no longer went in and out of those trendy gay gathering places, and finally returned to the previous life scene that had been renamed [-] Park. There is a feeling like a wanderer returning home in my heart.

The ceremonies performed in the shadow of the lush trees are still familiar, and the radar device that was thought to have degraded soon resumed operation.No matter how deep the shadow of a tree is, or how obscure the distance is, as long as there is a estrous and salivating gaze, you will never miss it.

Light a cigarette, ask if you want to go for a walk, even if the firewood is not dry enough, you can always hear a few stories.Those outdated cupboard stories on Facebook and in pubs, the ones still lurking among them, have apparently been forgotten by most of their kind.Their demands for gay marriage, which is surging in the outside world, still show ignorance and helplessness that are contemptuous to open-minded people of the same kind. Such defeatism without fighting spirit, I am afraid that even candidates who are waiting for votes would rather give up on them.

they.

As if revisiting the underworld, I was shocked to find that they are still the majority of the ethnic group.There are a large number of hidden ethnic groups, the economic situation does not allow them to go in and out of nightclubs and gyms, and the lack of education has long convinced them that they are not likable.Dressing fashion has never been their concern, and even sneaking a glance at a handsome guy on the road is afraid of being bullied.Hearing these stories, I even began to suspect that gay was just an adjective rather than a noun.Just like the "pluralistic" society, the "open" era, now we have a "gay" culture.

There are always those infatuated idealists who hope to convert abstract adjectives into inescapable statistics.Alas, don't they know that in this era, many concepts must be kept vague forever in order to have room to survive?

The so-called civic age means that no one can represent any citizen anymore, but everyone can challenge the definition of citizenship in the name of a citizen.The word gay seems to be powerful, but there are many silent people who cannot even obtain citizenship in the gay country. They refuse to choose, or don’t know how to choose, or their choices go against the will of the mainstream movement, and even their own people are Treat them as ignorant, backward, anti-progressive second-class citizens.

Take me, for example, a world-weary person with AIDS blood in his body.

I finally know that all sports will eventually create a bunch of lost hearts that no one cares about afterward.The celebrants are always the few who are complacent about finally being able to stand on equal footing with the enemy.The civic groups they originally claimed to represent existed only in their mouths, like the hole cards that could not be shown in the bidding battle.

Those who never dare, or don’t know if they can become a member of comrades, are like wandering souls that vaguely exist outside the world. Only when they finally say to themselves one day, I’ve had enough of all this, maybe this is the real world. The beginning of change.

On the day when they finally went crazy, some took off their underwear and rushed into the carnival-style anti-discrimination parade. Cum, look at this world that pretends to be gods and ghosts to terrorize them, and what crimes can they be convicted of in the end!Oh, how I look forward to seeing that day come!

It's just that I don't dare to hope now, even if my wild dreams come true, will I really live to that day?I have borrowed from heaven for ten years, is there really another ten years left?

★

The memory came to a night near the end of the summer vacation that year.

I walked into the folk song restaurant with my guitar in hand, and saw that Yao and Achong had arrived early and were sitting at the first table in front of the stage.The singer from the previous show had tuned up and was about to sing the last song of the night.At this time, a figure stood up from the auditorium, it was Ah Chong.The singer bent down to pick up the playlist he handed out, and raised his eyebrows after reading it.He thought about it for two seconds, then readjusted the capo on the bar, and temporarily changed the track.

To my great surprise, Ah Chong actually clicked on the song I'mEasy which I tried to use to tease Yao.During the interlude of the song, I hurriedly glanced at the venue, and the audience was intoxicated by the smooth guitar music of the singer, except for Ah Chong.

At first I wasn't sure what I was seeing.Yao Ruo was thoughtful, his eyes fixed on the expression of the singer Wangqing playing, and he didn't notice Ah Chong who was at the side with suspicion and resentment, imprinted on his silhouette like a branding iron.I shifted the angle a bit, trying to understand what was going on.

Then, I saw it all.

It would be folly to try to make a leopard a permanent vegetarian.

After all, the leopard still has to look for its next prey, and the speed of its moves often catches people off guard.Yao is tired of continuing this game of pretending innocence with us.Yao at the moment is showing his hunting skills.His eyes never moved away from the singer until the other party took advantage of the opportunity to cast a sideways glance at Yao.

Yao twitched his eyebrows, and a smile of refusal appeared on the corner of his mouth.

He didn't notice when Ah Chong had stood up, but he swung the seat back forcefully, and then went straight to the door angrily.I turned my back in time and flashed into the tea room where the employees rest.

Seeing the back figure who was leaving angrily, I started to have different speculations in the next second.Why should Ah Chong be angered?Didn't he already experience Yao and that senior girl named Angela flirting with each other in front of him?Could it be that Ah Chong made a move that made Yao feel pressured first, and that's why the scene of Yao's merciless counterattack just now was staged?For example, he once pressed Yao if he was playing with his feelings or something?

That's a lot like a stupid thing A Chong would do.

Could it be that Yao Hui is slower than me, and can't see who between me and Ah Chong is the idiot who needs to start to block and prevent the other party from continuing to have unreasonable thoughts?

Witnessing such a bold style of his, I realized that Yao's experience in sexual matters is much richer than we thought, and it is definitely not the only thing that I did with Ah Chong.

As I expected, Yao still stayed and listened to the song by himself.

That little leopard Yao, as long as he dares, I have foreseen at that time that he will be the number one one-night stand that all comrades in the world will love.Everyone has a chance to sleep with him, except me.How many more times am I going to be a bystander to events like tonight?Or, have I come to be content with such voyeurism?

Because estrus is such an unpredictable and yet so anticipated subversion, you never know when your kind will start thinking about the people around you.Or, you'll always have to be on the lookout for someone like me, lurking next to the object of your sexual fantasies as a friend.

During the break, the singer at the front desk walked into the tea room with a guitar.I, who had been waiting for a long time, not only went forward to say hello to him happily, but also tried my best to make my tone sound without any trace of ridicule:

"How well you sang that one just now!—Did you re-arrange the chords yourself?—Well, can you lend me a copy of your score?"

Such an excited compliment caused the other party to feel a little astonished for a moment, he faltered and said yes repeatedly, then put down the score and guitar and went to the bathroom.I picked up his score folder and looked through it. Every page in the whole book neatly copied the lyrics and chord marks with a fine pen. It looked like a precious martial arts secret book.A song list inserted between the pages, just like that, slipped out leisurely.I picked it up from the ground and saw a line of English words on the front of the piece of paper, which said I'mEasy.

Sure enough, it wasn't the song that Ah Chong ordered.That's Yao's handwriting.I almost overlooked that there is a string of numbers on the back of the playlist that you might think are just doodles at first glance.I froze for a second, then recognized the number.

It turned out that Yao left his own BBCall for the other party.

Staring blankly at the piece of paper, thinking about it for a moment, I quickly crumpled up the piece of paper and stuffed it into my trouser pocket.Imagining Yao's possible annoyed expression when he has waited for a few days and still has no news from the other party, I felt a sense of relief in an instant.

I thought that this act at that time was a kind of madness that could be excused by passion.I just hope that the out-of-control speed of my world can be suspended, and I can go back to a long time ago when I was not haunted by the monster of sex, even for a few seconds...

When it was my turn to play, I saw that Yao's seat in front of the stage was empty.

I plucked the strings randomly, pretending that something was wrong with the guitar, and at the same time wandered around the restaurant anxiously from the corner of my eye.Finally, I saw that Yao appeared from the bathroom, and the other guy was also carrying his guitar case, and walked out of the tea room at the same time in a leisurely manner.The two of them seemed to be old friends who met by chance in the aisle. They smiled expectantly at the same time, and then exchanged some information, but after two or three sentences, the two laughed and left together.

It's all because of stupid Ah Chong!

His early exit gave those two people great convenience and a good time for the whole night.

He didn't even have to see the scene in front of him.Instead, I became his scapegoat and had to endure the jealousy and humiliation of seeing those two hit it off.

I suddenly forgot that I was still under the lights of the stage, and my silent stand attracted strange attention from the audience, which made me feel that everyone was laughing at my smartness.

The guitar was hugged tightly to his chest, and his mind went blank.I can't remember which opening song was originally prepared tonight.

Except for the movie theme song that never stops over and over again.

★

Love songs in the world can only be sung to myself.Using a song as evidence of emotion in memory, wanting to use a melody to hold the scent of someone in memory time and time again, that kind of longing will only become rampant and out of focus because of waiting without progress .

I walked into the study with a big black trash bag in my hand. I cleared out the yellow-stained novels on the bookshelf, and then I also threw the handwritten lyrics and chord scores into the plastic bag. .

I can't even remember what kind of mood and motivation I had when I finally decided to use I'mEasy as the competition song. Now I can no longer sing the depression and vicissitudes that this song should have.In other words, I just realized that when I was young, I thought I sang some kind of prodigal atmosphere, but it was actually just a superficial gesture.

Stealing the contact information that Yao left for the other party could not stop the raging world from all forms.

There is only a vague impression of what the guy Yao looks like, and what kind of special charm he has.It was a man with long hair, a little sloppy, thick and strong muscles and bones, like a piece of driftwood by the sea.

It may not be the impression left by a single person, but a type that Yao has traces of in the future.He has a preference for this type of man.My boring obedient card has never been to Yao's taste.

Not without self-deprecating thought, maybe I should thank Yao for not having any appetite for me anymore.Thank him for not letting himself fall into the torment of greed.

At that time, I didn't understand why a one-night stand is the bottom line that should not be easily relaxed for veterans in the field of love.It turns out that as long as you don't give the other party a second sweetness, the other party will naturally feel tired due to monotonous desire.With the second time, there will be more breeding grounds for ambiguity to breed.Horror lovers who can go crazy are never the object of a one-night stand.

I have to say that Yao's greatest contribution to my life is to make me start to be afraid of myself and make me suspect that other people will be like him, sniffing out all the qualities of a horrible lover hidden in my blood, animals instinctively Abandon me not to eat.

Paranoid but weak, good at disguising, self-indulgent and self-loathing at the same time, these are my brilliant medical records.

If it wasn't for that, I might already have a long-term partner by now.

It doesn't have to be love, at least give each other peace of mind.When peace of mind becomes a habit, maybe I can no longer be subject to the noise of memory, and at this moment, I may be planning a Spring Festival trip for two people instead of——

I staggered and held on to the corner of the desk.

I didn't expect that there were so many useless old things piled up in just a study room, and the whole afternoon was consumed like this.

I deeply feel that my physical strength is not as good as before, so whenever I suddenly feel extremely tired like this moment, my mind will automatically play a picture that is often seen in scientific documentaries: the happy virus is actively gathering the latest breeding army. Waiting for an opportunity to counterattack.Although it is an unscientific illusion, it still scares my neck to sweat.

What waste remains to be cleared?

Should I throw away that plastic-string guitar that I used as a beginner?

Only then did I inadvertently discover that the old guitar hiding between the bookcase and the wall was so terrified by my questioning eyes.

①? Ci Da, also prefaced Da, refers to a person with a high seniority and age, in Hokkien.