under the filth

Jiang Yan's death was like a pebble thrown into the lake, sinking into the bottom of the lake without making a sound or stirring up a wave, but it made Tang Cen feel for the first time the fear of death after despair.

He took the medicine according to the doctor's advice day after day. Fortunately, the medicine this time did not bring too many painful side effects to Tang Cen, but the drowsiness symptoms caused by it still made Tang Cen very distressed.

At that time, the season of spring sleepiness had passed, but Tang Cen could feel obvious sleepiness every day. Even if he spent the whole day sleeping on weekends, he could still feel tired when he woke up the next day.In the room with a slightly higher temperature, the warm environment aggravated his lethargy symptoms.

Tang Cen worried that his drowsy state would attract other people's attention, so after the drowsiness symptoms appeared, Tang Cen began to consume nicotine and alcohol crazily and irresistibly, in order to paralyze his nerves.

Taking a certain amount of nicotine and alcohol can keep the nerves excited, but at the same time it will weaken the efficacy of the medicine and even aggravate the condition.So before each party, Tang Cen would reduce the dose of duloxetine intake, which also caused Tang Cen to become obsessed with alcohol and nicotine to paralyze the nerves.

The wine soaked the stomach, the smoke enveloped the lungs, the body was not as heavy as when sleepy during the day, and the brain seemed to be cut and stabbed by a knife when awake, and it seemed to have lost the pain nerves, drifting and relaxed.Even when he woke up the next day and still had to face those terrible things, Tang Cen was still intoxicated in the wine glasses he kept exchanging at night, knowing that he was addicted but never quitting.

Although Tang Cen tried his best to control the number of times he smoked and drank, he obviously felt that he had begun to become addicted and out of control.During this period of time, Tang Cen could often feel that the low-tar thin smoke was gradually unable to satisfy his spiritual needs, and his body was clamoring greedily, asking him to take in more nicotine.

Under Tang Cen's deliberate indulgence, the side effects of drugs and the pleasure brought by tobacco and alcohol gradually made him forget the pain left by Jiang Yan, but he always felt that after Jiang Yan's death, something was missing in his heart. No amount of alcohol or tobacco could fill that hole.

Every time he sat on the sidelines and watched the scenes of other people laughing and playing, the cold wind blowing in from the hole in his heart blew away his body temperature. Even after trying hard to integrate into that small group, the act of huddling together for warmth failed to warm his body. Body.

Jiang Yan broke into his world suddenly, disrupted his life when Tang Cen was caught off guard, and when he gradually got used to her presence, Jiang Yan left suddenly, leaving a mess.

"The person who was talking about trivial things two days ago suddenly disappeared, and I couldn't get used to it for a long time." When Jiang Yan had just left, Tang Cen would subconsciously pick up his phone to see if there was any new news, but never Since that night, Jiang Yan has never appeared again.

But even so, Tang Cen still held some illusions, imagining that Jiang Yan never died: "At first I wondered if she ran away from home and hid somewhere no one would find, but my high school classmates still told me news of my death, Jiang Yan."

Tang Cen was a little surprised when he received a call from the squad leader and heard the other party's rare anxious voice.When she asked if she knew about Jiang Yan's death, the pen in Tang Cen's hand fell on the table, and the sleek ballpoint pen rolled to the side of the table, rolled down from the unshielded edge of the table, and fell to the ground .

He Xiu didn't know how to evaluate Tang Cen's high school classmates. They didn't kill Jiang Yan, and they really didn't know about Tang Cen's condition, but they broke Tang Cen's fantasy again and forced him to face the bloody facts. It is indeed these people.

After learning the exact news of his death, Tang Cen tremblingly opened his list.He searched three or four times, trying to question Jiang Yan, but he couldn't find Jiang Yan's name again.

That night, Tang Cen fell into a nightmare in Lu Sheng's arms, scratching deep bloodstains on his back.

"Until that time, I didn't find out that she had deleted me from her friends list. Maybe she also deleted all my contact information, so no one came to me after she died, and probably no one knew about her relationship with me. Get in touch."

"She only uses voice calls. As long as she deletes the friend, no one else will know that we have been in contact. Not to mention she committed suicide, who will go to investigate these things carefully."

Tang Cen's voice was very calm. He looked out the window, his vision was blurred by the liquid secreted from his tear glands.He used to look up Jiang Yan's name and school over and over again on the Internet, but found nothing.

He Xiu let go of the hand he was holding, and under Tang Cen's slightly astonished gaze, he took a piece of paper from the tissue box on the table and handed it to Tang Cen.

"At that time, when I think about her again, I don't feel so sad anymore." Tang Cen took the tissue, folded it in half and covered his eyes, "She is still a very gentle girl, only when she is going to die For my sake, don't trouble me."

Jiang Yan is not really as gentle as Tang Cen said, she may be thinking of all those who have hurt her, and stubbornly please them.For Tang Cen, who expressed kindness to her, Jiang Yan, like her mother, used her own words to hurt him, and applied the hurt she received from her mother to Tang Cen.

Tang Cen is well aware of this, and he is still suffering from those words to this day, but as a victim, Jiang Yan in his eyes still stays in the half a year when he was at the same table in high school, gentle and enthusiastic.

Jiang Yan is not the only one who understands Tang Cen, but he is the only one who understands Jiang Yan. The initial understanding was only superficial. After he experienced Tang Songyuan's insults, that understanding became empathy.

Tang Cen saw his shadow in Jiang Yan, but Jiang Yan was braver and decisive than him, and could make the choice to die alone, but her death also became an incurable wound in Tang Cen's heart.

"I participated in the best and most painful years of her life, but she took them all from her death."

Even with his eyes covered, He Xiu could tell that Tang Cen was not in a good spirit.His tired appearance made Hexiu want to end this conversation several times, but as before, Tang Cen kept talking, and he just listened quietly, occasionally asking a few questions when he paused. Tang Cen never took the initiative to interrupt.

The attending doctor told him to pay attention to Tang Cen's physical condition, but as a psychiatrist, He Xiu had to respect Tang Cen's thoughts, and Tang Cen seemed very eager to tell him about this past.

"When I walked with Andy and the others, I was always envious of watching them play around unscrupulously. I walked with them and joined various clubs, but I never seemed to fit into that group. Just watching other people's lives from the sidelines." Unstoppable tears soaked the small tissue, Tang Cen bit his lips tightly to prevent himself from crying, but the place where his hands touched was covered with tears.

Even though Tang Cen has all the enviable conditions, he is envious of other people's vulgar and happy life.He is not afraid of getting sick, nor is he afraid of taking medicine. He can withstand external injuries. What he is afraid of is facing it alone.

Tang Cen's social circle was neither big nor small, but from the beginning to the end, there were not many close friends.He tried to have friends, but his ambivalence prevented him from showing his heart to outsiders.You can be considered friends with anyone, but you don't have a close relationship with anyone.

He Xiu let out a long sigh. For Tang Cen, the desperate Jiang Yan was just the trigger for his collapse. His collapse was already decided at the very beginning.

"Animals can live by instinct, but humans cannot. Humans are complex creatures, and so is human society. In every era, there will be many aliens who cannot integrate into the group. You are not an exception, and neither is Jiang Yan." He Xiu did After so many years of being a doctor, he has seen many patients like Tang Cen. Their experiences are very different, but the root cause is exactly the same.

Loneliness can make people gradually become an empty shell. ①In an increasingly complex society, the relationship between people is no longer pure, more and more people have become empty shells, and young people who lament the friendship of the previous generation are everywhere.

He Xiu took the tissue from Tang Cen's hand, and said softly to his red eyes, "There are countless people like you in this world."

Of course Tang Cen knew that there were countless people like him in this world, but among the countless similar people, how many of them could finally get rid of this predicament and integrate into society like normal people until they passed away.

Jiang Yan couldn't do it, and neither could he.

Even if he was nailed to death in a coffin, buried under the soil, Tang Cen could still hear the voice calling to him from her rotten vocal cords through the thick wooden boards, and feel the hands turned into dry bones hooking his wrists towards her. Walk in the mud.

Two people who are also struggling in the quagmire have no way to support each other to get out, they will only pull each other, sinking deeper and deeper.That's why Tang Cen turned to Lu Sheng, who had been reaching out to him on the shore, for help after watching Jiang Yan fall into the quagmire.

In the first week after Jiang Yan's death, Tang Cen and Lu Sheng rolled into bed.Although he looked drunk and delirious, Tang Cen knew exactly what he was doing. The emptiness from inside to outside needed another person to fill it.

Two weeks later, when the medicine started to take effect, Tang Cen reduced his need for alcohol and nicotine, while at the same time allowing Lu Sheng to demand endlessly from him.

Smelling the familiar scent of bath milk on Lu Sheng's body, Tang Cen revealed his soft belly under Lu Sheng's gentle and numb kiss.He hugged Lu Sheng's broad and thick shoulders and drowned in the (desire) sea. The feeling of being surrounded by Lu Sheng's breath from the inside out gave Tang Cen a great sense of security, and his deformed and sick psychology was echoed in Lu Sheng.

The hole in Tang Cen's heart was filled by Lu Sheng, and the howling cold wind stopped pouring in.

You will get used to it, get used to the feeling of slowly returning to the silence.

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① Taken from "JOJO's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood".