deep hypnosis

After the wedding banquet, Yi Yang walked home, had a rare drink, and wandered in this carnival city every night.

Passing by the subway station, I saw young office workers pouring out like opening a gate.So many foreigners are working hard in this city, but for a small dwelling, for a place where he can take root.This is clearly Yi Yang's hometown, but sometimes he feels that he, like them, doesn't really belong here.

Yi Yang suddenly wanted a connection urgently, to tie this light and fluffy body so that he would no longer wander around.He let the alcohol push him forward, passing one intersection after another in a daze.

The scene is somewhat familiar, but also like a mirage of nothingness.He himself is nothingness, a wandering spirit.No one can see or touch him.He wandered and watched, never so free, and never so lonely.

Suddenly there was a sound of "Ka Ya", the door opened, and he subconsciously stepped forward to lock the rusty anti-theft door, and stepped in sideways when someone came out.Climbing up the stairs step by step, the vain feeling came up again, becoming a wandering spirit again.The sensor lights lit up one after another, but the scene in front of me was a little out of touch.When he finally stood still, he saw a door in the dark.

Reaching out to touch it, I only touched the remaining corner of the double-sided tape.The rough texture made him frown.There should have been a letter "Fu" pasted upside down on this door, with a carp lying across it...

Just wondering, the door suddenly opened.Unprepared, he met a pair of eyes that were also unable to dodge.

It was as if a pendulum slammed the consciousness back into the body, and the violent contraction of the heart was accompanied by the whistling of tinnitus.The memory began to jump uncontrollably again, the black and white TV screen was full of snowflakes, the warm pictures flashed from time to time, and an intermittent gentle voice was pulling him into the abyss of fragmentation irresistibly.

The body leaned and was about to fall, but was blocked by something, warm and solid, and his eyes suddenly brightened.

The insects that were afraid of the light that dragged him down scattered and fled.After peeling off the illusion of covering the eyes and covering the ears, the original appearance finally appeared again.It's just that Yi Yang seemed to be wrapped in his heart, listening to the deafening movement, his guilt was clearly revealed.Staring blankly at the man who frantically rummaged through his pockets and finally found a medicine box, his facial features were dismembered into incomprehensible words, entangled in one place, densely packed.It was a letter of confession, the main purpose was clear at a glance, but it was difficult to distinguish those words and sentences.

Yi Yang watched intently, until the water glass was brought to his mouth, and then took the medicine numbly.Someone whispered something in the ear, which caused the eyelids to become heavier, and when he woke up again, he found himself in the darkness, and Yi Yang sat up abruptly.

"Don't move, how do you feel?" The voice from the bedside in the darkness made Yi Yang's heart palpitate.

He was there, it was really him.

Yi Yang subconsciously touched the switch, but his hand was held down.

He didn't want him to see him, he didn't want him to see this room.It seemed that he was the protagonist of the embarrassing memories that haunted this house.

Yi Yang looked at him, there was only a vague outline, but the facial features became more clear because they were engraved in his memory.

"Not sure if you're drunk or..."

Yi Yang thought of the way he hurriedly rummaged through his pockets before, probably saw some clues, right?So hypnotized him and let him heal himself in sleep.Thinking of this, Yi Yang couldn't help feeling a little apprehensive. He had indeed been negligent in not taking his medicine these two days, and even drank alcohol out of the rules... But at this moment, it was not this that worried him the most.

"How will you be here?"

This is the place where Yi Yang has been mortgaged by Wu Zhaodi for more than [-] years.Although Xie Jintian planned all of this in the end, it is not surprising that he got this house, but what is he doing with this house?How could it appear here on a weekend night?

"I got this house from the mortgage. I planned to return it to you, but I was afraid you would think too much. I just don't want it to fall into other people's hands. After all, this is the place where you were born." Xie Jintian said in a tone like A child who did something wrong and was afraid of being blamed, "I didn't expect you to come."

Xie Jintian also guessed that most of Yi Yang came here in a daze because he drank alcohol, but being bumped into this way seems to be his ulterior motive.

Yi Yang's eyes have adapted to the darkness, even though the lights are not turned on, he can still clearly recognize the original appearance of every corner.Every word of Xie Jintian's words pierced his heart.It is true that there are many unbearable memories here, but there is also the warmth of Xie Chenggang when he was still alive.Here is the beginning of everything, the indelible root.This is why, the hallucinations seen during mental breakdown always take root here.In fact, deep down in his heart, Yi Yang naively hoped that time would freeze forever at the most beautiful moment, denying the reality, and also denying the current self created by the past.Even without Wu Zhaodi, he would not come back.

But he came back after all, like a tease in the dark, and also like an enlightenment from a desperate situation.

Xie Jintian thought Yi Yang would ask more questions, but Yi Yang just kept silent.The darkness that was originally used to cover up the embarrassment has now become a barrier, making it even more difficult for him to read the minds of the people in front of him.

In the past two months, he really fulfilled his promise and completely disappeared from Yi Yang's life. He quit the group, unfollowed him, turned off push notifications, and locked the room full of photos. I isolated all his messages, but found that he became ubiquitous instead.When you close your eyes, you can dream, but when you open your eyes, you can't stop remembering, thinking hard.The side effect of the sleeping pills was that he was too confused to concentrate during the day, and with increasing doses every day, it became more and more difficult to fall asleep.The more he wanted to get rid of it, the tighter the golden hoop tightened.Before his sanity collapsed, he found this place, originally to take a breather, but he came here a lot, but he had other thoughts.

Wu Zhaodi was in a hurry to mortgage at that time, and most of the belongings were kept intact.Xie Jintian couldn't help touching the books Yi Yang had read, lying on the bed where Yi Yang had slept, sitting in the corner where Yi Yang had sat, trying to figure out what he was thinking at that time.Time scrambles, flicking the room into nostalgia and snapping back into cold reality.He stared blankly at the family portrait under the table every day, stared at the bookcase, and stared out of the window. He even often stood in the corner where he was forced to submit, imagining his helplessness and despair at that time.

The more I miss it, the crazier I become, and sometimes I even feel that I have become him, and I have become the untrue owner of this old place.He moved the "Outline of National History", the moon cake box and those garden models back to the original place.Everything seemed to be suspended while he was still in love with him.

There seemed to be someone's footsteps back and forth in the living room, it was a wandering soul who ignored him.With the door closed, this is his world. He took off the thick cover from the bookshelf and turned over the pages, his eyes full of love.

Thinking of Yi Yang's satire on him earlier, what kind of chest country.It's not that he doesn't have a heart, but he's afraid that if he delivers his sincerity, he will end up in complete failure.Now he can finally compare his heart to his heart, but he has lost the qualification to do so.

He restored the garden model, repaired the clockwork frog and bamboo dragonfly in the tin box, smoothed the graffiti, and clipped two photos of the two families into the pages of the book, but he only felt that such a self-deceiving self became more and more pathetic.

"The bright moon is separated from the clouds, and the soul of the firefly flies away. The fallen leaves gather and disperse, when will this hatred end?"

Repeatedly reading the words on the pavilion pillar, you can understand what it feels like.The pavilion has been demolished, he will never be able to keep the appointment, and he doesn't want to wait any longer.

He thought that he would end up alone forever, but he didn't expect that heaven would take pity on him and let them see this side again.But Yi Yang looked like he didn't want to see him at all.So I didn't dare to say what I wanted to say, and could only hide in the dark.In fact, what can I say?It's nothing more than remembrance, nothing more than confession, and nothing more than lovesickness.But Yi Yang has long been used to what he is enduring, so how can he sympathize with him?

Now he has finally become his shackles, his weakness, and his deathbed, and he will not be safe.

One was waiting to be dealt with, while the other was silent and thoughtful.

After a long time, it was Yi Yang who finally said, "Sister Xia Xue got married today."

Xie Jintian was stunned for a moment, he didn't expect Yi Yang to mention this, and after a while he said, "I know."

He also deliberately asked someone to bring a congratulatory gift - a pair of wooden carved geese. Xia Xue did not refuse, but sent a message saying "thank you". At this moment, he knew that she had really let go.

"She said that no matter what she says, her heart will not really die. As long as she is still alive, there is always a chance of survival from a desperate situation."

Xie Jintian suddenly became afraid, afraid that Yi Yang's next words would be a turning point.He obviously tried to persuade himself to give up thousands of times, but he didn't want to listen to Yi Yang's words.He didn't want to hear any calm "buts", and he didn't want to talk about nonchalant "futures".He just wanted to avoid this hurtful topic at this moment, and keep this moment of delusion-like tenderness.

He hugged Yi Yang to prevent him from continuing, but the body in his arms was stiff.

"Stop it, no matter what you decide." With an almost begging tone, "I said I won't bother you anymore..."

It turns out that he can also be so humble in front of feelings.

"Xie Yu was sentenced to ten years in prison. A few days ago, Yu Qian came back and went with my mother, saying that he was much older... I transferred Yu Qian to the hospital here. He is still fine, and he can wait for a few more years. I said it was all done by me, but he said it was retribution, without these extraneous things, and without time to waste, I could calm down and do something... Wu Zhaodi, I asked someone to arrange it in the nursing home in Yangpu. I'll give it to you, you can always know her situation..."

Yi Yang listened in a daze to Xie Jintian's rambling talk.He didn't expect that Xie Jintian would do so many things for him that he wanted to do but was unwilling to do during these days.

His heart can be calmer, Xie Jintian really understands him.

He began to believe that Xie Jintian's feelings for him were not just guilt, and it was not for the purpose of asking him to reciprocate.Based on this, he wanted to talk to Xie Jintian openly and calmly, when he was still awake.

Yi Yang pushed Xie Jintian away and put some distance away, stared into his eyes in the dark, and said what he had thought about for a long time: "I'm really surprised that you did this. In the past, I thought I could understand you best. Later, I found out that I was wrong. I thought that you would never think about it for me from my perspective, but I was wrong again. I didn't expect you to guess my thoughts and solve these knots for me. But There will always be a knot between us.”

Xie Jintian became excited again when he heard this, and wanted to stop Yi Yang, but he held down the back of his hand.The back of the hand was cold, like an endless night, instantly engulfing the boiling emotions.

"The problem between us is not whether we can still trust each other, but that we are unequal from the beginning to the end. Either we are superior, or we are low, and the balance always tends to one side. I thought that's how feelings are, until I saw Sister Xia Xue , I saw Xiao Mu and Cheng Yan. They never were careful in front of each other, and they never concealed their true thoughts, even if they were naive, arrogant, and ugly. They knew each other's true appearance, but accepted everything. They didn't deny the past, and didn't judge the future arbitrarily. It is the most stable relationship. We all want to bind each other too much, so we become humble. The stability obtained by sacrificing ourselves and making compromises will not last long. A person must become himself after all. Accept the established ending, even if it is incomplete Incomplete."

This is the longest monologue Yi Yang has ever spoken since the two broke up. He is so calm and composed, as if he has thought it through.There is no farewell in the whole article, but every word is farewell.

Xie Jintian choked with sobs and grabbed that hand, but couldn't say a single word.

Yi Yang's hand was pulled away bit by bit, and the color of their intertwined past seemed to be taken away one by one, leaving only a blank blank.

He was really free, and as he expected, he walked peacefully towards eternal solitude.