sick redemption

Ni Rui used a new towel to carefully wipe the large wedding photo hanging above the bed.

After wiping, I stood by the bed and stared at it for a while.

Six years have passed.

Just like yesterday.

Day by day seems to be a long and slow shot, but looking back on the past six years, time flies by.

In six years, a lot has happened.

What is worth celebrating is that he can "linger on" for a long time in the second half of his life.After the depression improved, it was gone forever like a bird of youth.

He regained his normal life.

There is no vitality like young people, but reading Yang Mu's poems can still recall some middle-aged vitality.

Every time he read: "People still call me young... ha... I am young!", he would smile. As for how much self-mockery there is in this smile, Ni Rui can't tell. Pretty good.

Jing Zhe had been looking for him for the first two years.

He hardened his heart and ignored it, avoiding it.

Every time I see the stinging sting, the scabbed scar will hurt severely again, making it more unbearable each time.

In order to get rid of the idea of ​​waking up from the sting, find a place of peace, and also to pass the time alone and make the family more energetic, he negotiated with a poor female college student who brought her mother to school, and asked if he would make an appointment with her. Agreement, she no longer has to sell cheap labor and worry about tuition and livelihood.Ni Rui found a place for her and her mother to live near the school, a room with four bedrooms and one living room, and he just took one of them.He will give her another sum of money, all he needs is for her to pretend to be his wife in secret, occasionally cook, clean up the house, and give him a little homely and happy feeling. He won't move her finger, Not to make it public lest it tarnish her reputation, but to treat her as a wife, to treat her mother like a mother-in-law.

The girl readily agreed.

As time goes by, we become more and more like a family.

The girl's temperament is becoming more and more eccentric, she engages in some low-level tricks, plays tricks that are easy to see through, and conspires one after another. The old lady also joins in the fun. The purpose is very clear, and they must turn their fake partners into real couples. .Ni Rui didn't care, didn't say a word, the girl didn't graduate from college, and she had a big belly, so she fell in love with Ni Rui, and changed the story of them pretending to be husband and wife to make a fuss.

Ni Rui was once "heartbroken".

Ni Rui asked the girl if she could still perform the contract, and if she couldn't make an agreement, she would cancel it.

The girl hurriedly said that she would never make him angry again.

Ni Rui was not angry, he was just extremely disgusted with the girl's behavior.He didn't think about it any more, probably because he had some unknown expectations for the child in her womb, and every time he accompanied the birth check-up, his heart was hanging on his chest, day and night, racking his brains for the name, and counting the days to calculate the due date.

Worried that the girl's prenatal depression would be detrimental to the development of the fetus, he learned a lot about pregnancy and acted as a dutiful expectant father.

When the child was born, he hugged and coaxed him all day long, his mind was full of the child, and he missed him even a moment.

The term of the agreement with the girl was four years, and when the four-year period was up, he wanted to send the three of them away with a lot of reluctance.

The girl Lihua brought the rain to talk about her four-year relationship, but Ni Rui did not waver; the girl's mother made a big fuss, which alarmed Mr. Ni, but Ni Rui remained unmoved; the girl threatened to hurt the child, but Ni Rui remained unmoved; She shed tears and said that life was difficult when she had to find a job after graduation and had to feed her children, so she asked Ni Rui to show mercy and stay with them for a while, but Ni Rui refused, and found another place for them, and gave them the last sum of money as agreed, suggesting that the girl Go find the child's father, and the family will have a good time.

Broke up unhappily.

After four years, Ni Rui gained a reputation for being hard-hearted.

What others say, Ni Rui no longer cares as much as before.If he cared too much, his old depression would recur.

Parting and reuniting, some people passed by, but in the end Ni Rui was still alone.

Ni Rui went back to the home where he and Jing Zhe lived together, and made two photo walls.

The master bedroom is a photography suit for two people wearing suits, and the second bedroom where he sleeps is full of wedding photos of him and Jing Zhe.Pale pink background, pure white feathers, off-shoulder light-colored wedding dress, straight dark suit, full of memories.

As soon as he opened his eyes, he could see Jing Zhe's smiling face.

The six-year vacancy seemed to be filled with memories, as if it did not exist.

Only occasionally, when I wake up in the morning, I look forward to the night, and when I close my eyes before going to bed, I look forward to the dawn.

It won't be too sad if you don't think about whether you need to live alone for the rest of your life.

No matter how good-looking a movie is, it's not so good, especially after experiencing two-person movies.

Every year on Jingzhe's "fake birthday", Ni Rui would buy a cake, light a candle, make some wishes, and blow them out in one breath.

On her sixth birthday, Ni Rui wanted to take a walk in Guanjushan Park.

Guanjushan Park is also called Jiulushan Park. It is famous for the Jiulu ruins. There are many kinds of plants in the park. The most famous one is the artificial lake and the artificial island in the lake.The island and the shore are connected by a wooden plank road.On both sides of the boardwalk, some "convex" shaped bridgeheads are built to extend to the water.

I don’t know where it came from. Couples walking on the long and narrow wooden plank road will have a “longevity” like a long and thin bridge. Therefore, there are many wishing signs hanging on them. became a fee.

The view of the park from the teahouse on the island, especially the musical fountain facing each other across the water, is refreshing and refreshing, which makes people feel peaceful.

Jing Zhe said that he was born around twelve o'clock in the noon, and he thought about celebrating his birthday in Guanjushan Park.

It was just an inadvertent mention, but when Ni Rui remembered it, he wanted to help him realize it.

On the boardwalk, there are couples taking pictures of couples, walking by with a birthday cake alone, attracting a lot of attention.Ni Rui imagined that if he held another bouquet of flowers, the scene would be even more exciting.

Nothing is as wonderful as meeting Jingzhe in a teahouse on the island.

Jingzhe was feeding fruit salad to a five or six-year-old girl.The little girl looks exquisite, with big eyes, long eyelashes, snow skin and red lips. If the sun hadn't dyed her hair a soft maroon, she would be a well-deserved live-action version of Snow White.

The moment Ni Rui saw Jing Zhe, Jing Zhe also saw him.

It is inappropriate to turn around and walk, and it is inevitable to be embarrassed when stepping forward.

Jing Zhe has matured a lot, his body and bones have grown and become stiff, just looking at him, Ni Rui couldn't stop the urge to laugh.But when he saw the little girl next to him, he couldn't laugh anymore.

Ni Rui raised his eyebrows, not knowing how to position the right hand that was holding the cake.

Jing Zhe seemed to be more at a loss than him, looking at the cake in Ni Rui's hand, the light in his eyes turned brightly.

"Rao Rao, call me Uncle—"

"Hello, Uncle. I'll get Uncle a drink and wash my mouth. I can go alone."

Jing Zhe touched Rao Rao's shoulder: "Rao Rao is awesome! Slow down."

Jing Zhe took the cake from Ni Rui's hand and pulled up the chair.

"Thank you." Ni Rui sat down and looked around the scenery, "The powerful genes should not be underestimated. Your daughter is so sensible at such a young age, and she speaks with a sophistication, which is really reassuring."

Jing Zhe folded her hands, and crossed them again, with a warm smile on the corner of her mouth: "Rao Rao is my younger sister, the child of my mother and Uncle Zhou."

"You're not married?" Ni Rui was overjoyed, the corners of his mouth curled up.

"No. What about you?"

"Me neither."

Numerous imaginations spread out into a beautiful picture scroll in Ni Rui's heart.

High spirits.

Refreshed.

He couldn't help but want to ask more, he was even planning a step, he wanted Jing Zhe to go down the steps, say what he wanted to hear, and shake hands with Jing Zhe to make peace.

"It's 24 for you too, why didn't it end—"

"Dad! Dad! Go and see the building blocks I placed!"

"Dad, oh, are you chatting with your friends?"

Two children, a boy and a girl, ran out and threw themselves on Jing Zhe, interrupting what Ni Rui was about to say.

Jing Zhe immediately turned to chat with the child.

Take a hit.

He has kids.

Still twins!

Oh - so fast!

Oh - good luck!

Ni Rui felt sour in his heart, and the smile on his face was almost unbearable.

He couldn't stay here for a moment.

"I go first."

"Wait! You wait here for a while." Jing Zhe persuaded to stay, hugging the girl and leading the boy to the inner room of the teahouse.

Ni Rui wanted to leave several times, but after all he wanted to hear what Jing Zhe would say.

After he left, there was no reason to see him again.

Just thinking about it makes me breathless.

Jing Zhe came out soon, Ni Rui lost a lot of aura in front of him, old and pitiful.

"I thought you were married. You have always kept a low profile."

"I haven't found a suitable one yet. But I'm in contact with one now, and I'm particularly... compatible."

As Ni Rui spoke, he simply shut his mouth, inconsistent, and didn't know how to make it up.The old face is becoming more and more unbearable.

"It's okay, I'll leave. The children share the cake."

"I thought you would never come to this place. I come here every year on this day. I waited for five years."

"Thank you. It's nice to have so many people celebrating your birthday."

"But without you."

"What kind of nonsense are you talking about? People with children."

"They're test-tube babies! I'm not married, I can't get married. I want to be with you. But I can't be too selfish. I want to raise them both. I don't want to bring you pain. Once I assume, it's you With two kids and I'm single, I'm in a lot of pain. There are a lot of kids, three on my mother's side, two on my side, no more."

This is not a question of one or two, but a question of whether there is one.

"Would you like to raise them with me?"

"Let's not see each other again."

"Ni Ni!"

Hearing this address, Ni Rui couldn't move at all.

He didn't want to live a life without Jingzhe, but there were too many obstacles between them.

"My family understands me! I'm out! I've been out a long time ago! They have seen you secretly, and I told them that this is my lover, the person I want to live my whole life with. My mother is very supportive of me, I'll take you to see my mother, okay?"

"..."

"I'm over 20, and you don't have many 20 years. I can't miss more."

"It's over 20, and it's still childish."

"I only do this in front of you. I'm serious and serious. If I hold it outside, I'll feel tired if I hold it in front of my beloved. If you're here, I won't be tired no matter how tired I am."

Jing Zhe saw that Ni Rui had a dull face, and didn't give any movement response, Jing Zhe stepped forward and hugged Ni Rui.

"What are you doing? Let the children see how bad it is."

"They will know sooner or later, I will explain to them. I hugged it is mine, I will give you three times to protest, one, two, three, well, now you are mine. There will always be only one of me Man. I will never let go of my hand unless you promise me, I will take you from here and jump into the water, and I will say I love you loudly, let these people know our relationship. I allow us to be Stay forever. I don't want you alone, I want to be with you."

Ni Rui thought of the past, the rainy night when he and Jing Zhe first met.Jing Zhe is not yet 16 years old.He took a step ahead of himself, bouncing up the steps, turned his face, and faced himself, the entire face of Jing Zhe was dark against the light, he seemed to announce, but also seemed to joke: You pay the debt, I will allow you to live When it comes to me, the Ni family will also pay off their debts. Do I have to allow the Ni family to live until then, Ni Ni?

Ni Rui clenched Jing Zhe's hand on his waist.

Pass the energy in the body over.

Ni Rui knew what he was doing: he firmly held Jing Zhe's hand.

Jing Zhe's chest was hot, but Jing Zhe's hands were so cold, trembling slightly.

Apart from these, Ni Rui didn't think about anything else.

He really wanted to get back together with Jing Zhe too much.

He couldn't think of anything more.

He can accept everything about Jing Zhe, he must accept it, as long as he can be with Jing Zhe.

It was never about forgiveness or not, he didn't blame Jing Zhe.The one who can't get along with him is himself.

He can't afford to spend it for a few more years, and he is afraid that if he doesn't keep it, he will bear more and lose more.

At this moment, Ni Rui untied the knot in his heart that had been entangled for many years, and shoveled away the hurdles in his heart, as if the unsettled desires were filled once, and the ugly gains and losses were seen through at a glance.

What he wants, and most importantly, the people who love him, are right behind him.

He is the ultimate of his desires.Without him by his side, everything loses its color and taste, which is the source of his "gain".

The author has something to say:

So... this is Chapter XX of "Illusion".

[Note]

Yang Mu "I am a youth"

People still call me youth...

Ha... I am a youth!

I am young, my God!

Thank you for giving me a furnace without steel,

Seal and smelt my youth;

Thank you for giving me a refrigerator,

Refrigerate and preserve my soul;

Thank you for giving me the ashes of the burning mountain,

Bury my germ in the deep ravine!

Thank you for giving me silk that I can't figure out,

Let me cocoon by the river of time.

So I am young - when my verse

when appearing in front of people,

It's like a Kazakh herdsman's sheepskin pocket

Fermented sour □□ as fresh!

... Ha, I am a youth!

I am young, my Hu Da!

Like my countless young companions—

youth once in the sand

lost in the desert,

Only the ding-dong camel bell hypnotizes me;

Youth was once exposed to the scorching sun,

Only one dried apricot with an indistinguishable taste was left.

The desolate bald forehead may be the mound that has been filled long ago,

Curved wrinkles, maybe a parabola drawn by hand.

So I'm young - when we go back

In spring,

You look at me, I look at you,

Ha...we all have a generational trait!

I as a youth

Participated in countless youth conferences,

Honestly, I don't doubt the condition of my youth.

36 years old, minus "ten",

Exactly... no, the group is only more than one year old!

author of the cry

Then he was older than we were;

Compared with those who never age during the Long March

young warrior,

We are nothing more than a "children's group"!

... Ha, I am a youth!

Ridiculous? Then mock yourself,

Bitter and spicy - with saltiness.

Motherland!

It is you who should suffer for children like you,

Or your sons and daughters,

Should feel bitter for you?

I, often looking at innocent children,

I have never met each other before, and I also caressed the rosy little face.

They looked at me strangely and tilted their heads.

Like a flock of birds looking at a dinosaur egg.

They went far away,

Maybe it's on the way to youth,

But I only tremble slightly in the footsteps of my heart...

... No! I must go and tell my motherland:

the most precious thing in the world,

Nothing beats the autonomy of youth!

I love, I think, but not jealous.

I cry, I laugh, but don't complain.

I'm ashamed, I'm ashamed, but I don't lament.

I am angry, I hate, but I do not abandon myself.

Since this special era

A special concept of youth is formed,

I'm going to say to the blue sky: I am - youth!

I am youth—

My veins will never be clogged with mud;

I am youth—

My pupils will never pull the curtain of fog.

My bald forehead is like a field in early spring,

My wrinkles are just the beginning of a great river.

I'm not a drunkard, I don't want to daydream;

I'm not an old woman, lamenting on Hua Nian;

I am not a hozen, I will no longer be tricked by gong-beaters;

I'm not a turtle that sleeps and prolongs life.

I am an eagle - I have aspirations in the clouds!

I am a horse - with a saddle on my back!

I am bone - there is calcium in bone!

I am sweat—sweat has salt in it!

Motherland!

Since you are too handicapped

put us into the echelon of youth,

We have youth and middle age—double shoulders!