If this love becomes a memory

【22】

Luo Simin tossed and turned on the bed, tucked the quilt for Domi who was sleeping soundly beside her, got up and went to the yard.Under the moonlight, there was a faint layer of chilling autumn around, and the insects were screaming hysterically, venting their fear of the approaching winter, and the loquat tree also shook its head in a sophisticated way and hid in the night.

As a person born in the 70s, she often has inexplicable confusion. She has neither experienced the hardships and turbulence of the 60s; nor can she clearly show her personality and open herself like the newcomers in the 80s.For people, things and situations, I feel that I can only hold the pipa in many cases.

More than ten years ago, when she took the steps of her youth, stepped into the society, walked into the factory, and ignorantly formed some related things in her consciousness, before it was too late to correct, this society, this city, had undergone tremendous changes, so The factory at the office also began to reform, and it seemed that a pair of invisible hands pushed her into this turbulent tide involuntarily.

Now, after stumbling along the way, I found out after a short stop that the city has quietly changed its appearance, with tall buildings everywhere, noisy people and cars, the simplicity and honesty of the past have been completely lost, and the world is so wonderful that it is eye-popping.And the factory that devoted its best youth to it has also lost its dazzling aura in the past.Looking back at my own life, under reasonable management, it has changed beyond recognition.It seems that a woman operated according to the routine, only to find out that what was cooked was a pot of raw rice after removing the cover.

In order to increase his income, he had to give up the fitter profession he had been engaged in for ten years and switch to work as an operator.Like most low-level employees, after many times of downsizing and changes, they have basically unified their thinking, that is, it has become history for workers to be the masters of the country. Today's workers have long lost their former status and no right to speak. Silently accept the control from top to bottom, even if it is a small monitor.If you want to keep this fairly good job in the local area, you have to unconditionally treat yourself as a part of the machine and allow it to be manipulated by others.

In these years, she has long stopped thinking about why she is alive, the value of life, and what she wants to live, etc. These are beyond the imagination of her class.But for those things that she can think and miss, she still can't face them calmly.

After seven years of marriage, looking at this marriage, she admits that she is lucky. Fu Yi loves her, and that love has never diminished.On the surface, she is a very good wife, filial to the elderly, doing housework, and taking care of her husband and children with all her heart.But in her heart, she has always been ashamed of Fu Yi, yes, she doesn't love him.

Ten years ago, she dug a deep pit in her heart, buried all her feelings together with Xiao Yi, planted a thick layer of soil, and then stepped on it firmly. Occasionally, some old and warm things grow If it accumulates, she will remove it in time.For a whole ten years, in the same city and in the same company, she never met Xiao Yi again, nor asked anyone about it. A few years ago, she saw Xiao Yi's name on the list of employees who had bought out their seniority, and she knew her. Already left the city.

Just yesterday, the news Xiao Nan brought was nothing less than a blockbuster, shaking loose the thick soil in her memory.Everything in the past spread wantonly after breaking ground, and what still appeared in her mind was that heroic face, with a wide smile, and a deep dimple flashed on her left cheek, which always made her unable to resist stretching out her hand to squeeze it.She remembered that it was each other's first love, the promise of holding hands for a lifetime, Xiao Yi's warm embrace and passionate kiss, and all the little things in those years.It turned out that everything she had buried with great pains had already been rooted in her life and could no longer be peeled off.

Tonight, she suffered from insomnia again, sitting on the stone bench in the backyard, feeling the coolness of the autumn night, letting the past years run wild like a revolving lantern.

In fact, very early on, the two had anticipated and worked hard for the pressure they would face in the future. First, Xiao Yi resigned from the post of secretary of the Youth League branch. She almost cut off her classmates and friends, and the two no longer participated in any organizational activities. , try to avoid the eyes of everyone as much as possible, and hide in his own world carefully and low-key.Secondly, I plan to buy a commercial house outside and move out of the single dormitory, so that I can stay away from the company during my spare time. In 95, she took out the 1 yuan they had saved and walked into the stock market nervously. When the first stock she sold made more than 1000 yuan, she and Xiao Yi were excited all night. Into the stock market, desperately saving money and earning money, a year later, the amount in the account has reached more than 3 yuan, and the goal of buying a house is getting closer and closer.

In the Spring Festival of 97, my parents went to visit the master's family.Before leaving, my mother asked my wife to introduce someone suitable for her. After all, she has reached the age to fall in love.This entrustment from her mother broke her previous lie that she had a boyfriend in her hometown.

The mistress immediately started to act. The mistress was responsible and enthusiastic, and immediately introduced a few to her. She found various reasons to refuse, and she couldn't evade it, so she also went to meet her.She was not discouraged by her refusal, and mobilized her acquaintances to look for her together. She couldn't remember how many times she had kissed her, and she became annoyed by her persistence.

"Otherwise, just fix one." Xiao Yi suggested. "In case your mistress sees the sky and drags you on a blind date like drinking chicken blood."

"It's just a pretense to break up after a period of time, so your mistress won't be as competitive as she is now, and maybe she retreated in spite of the difficulties." Xiao Yi said again.

It made sense for her to think about it, so she agreed, and jokingly asked, "Aren't you afraid that I'll run away with someone?"

"I will snatch you back if I run to the sky." Xiao Yiru said.

So she chose a young man surnamed Zhou who looked honest and dull, and started a so-called relationship.Sure enough, the teacher's wife stopped, and she made appointments with Zhou Qingnian two or three times a week to eat, watch a movie, go to the park and dance.Every time, she went to work on time like going to work, and Xiao Yi often drove her to the meeting place on a bicycle. Zhou Qingnian was very polite to her, and his words of admiration were not too much, so she started dating with confidence.

After two months like this, one night, when he came back from dinner, Zhou Qingnian took her downstairs to the dormitory as usual, maybe Zhou Qingnian drank too much that day, or maybe it was because of the spring.In short, Zhou Qingnian did not leave politely as usual, but grabbed her hand, she broke free and just turned around, he rushed over, hugged her and kissed her forcefully. Xiao Yi and Mo Xiaonan ran into each other.

At that moment, Xiao Yi threw away the washbasin, rushed up to tear Zhou Qingnian away, and punched Zhou Qingnian with such force that he almost dragged her down too.Zhou Qingnian staggered and fell to the ground, clutching his nose, got up and ran away after a while.

She and Xiao Nan dragged Xiao Yi away, and when they returned to the dormitory, she was very angry. Even though Zhou Qingnian offended her, Xiao Yi shouldn't have made such a big fuss. Fortunately, there was no one around just now. "Why are you so barbaric? Beat people with your hands?"

Xiao Yi's face was ashen, he grabbed the towel and wiped her face, causing her a burst of pain, grabbed the towel and threw it over, the two were pushing and shoving, when there was a knock on the door, someone shouted Xiao Yi's name, I want Xiao Yi to get out.It was Xiao Nan who reacted quickly, jumped out of the bed barefoot, and hugged Xiao Yi tightly from behind. She rushed to the door, squeezed out a small gap, closed the door, and pulled the doorknob with one hand.

It was Zhou Qingnian who brought two people to the door to reason, "If you want that surname Xiao to get out, damn it, why should she interfere when he's in a relationship?" one person said.

Zhou Qingnian's nostrils were stuffed with toilet paper, his nose looked like a small red light bulb was lit, and there were bloodstains on his chest.I am standing behind my friend aggrievedly.Seeing this, she also felt wronged, so she said to him, "Go back first, and I will explain to you tomorrow."

"I want her to make it clear tonight. I heard that that person is usually neither male nor female. Could it be that he is really perverted?" Another person said.She seemed to be slapped in the face, but she couldn't refute it, so she could only continue to persuade Zhou Qingnian. "Go back first, what good will it do you if you bring someone to embarrass my face?"

The two were still swearing, and many doors in the corridor had been opened, and heads poked out.At this time, she heard a ping-pong-pong noise in the room, mixed with Xiao Nan's exclamation, and she couldn't help feeling tense, tightened the doorknob, and said to Zhou Qingnian again: "If you don't leave, we will end now. I do what I say,"

Zhou Qingnian thought about it, persuaded his friend to leave, and made sure that the group of people had gone downstairs before she opened the door. She saw Xiao Yi with a kitchen knife in his hand, and Xiao Nan fell to the ground, still tightly hugging Xiao Yi's thigh. .

"What on earth are you trying to do?" She trembled with anger, grabbed the knife and threw it aside. "You have to make the whole dormitory area and the whole company know about it before you are willing?"

"You accuse me of being wrong?"

"Is it reasonable for you to hit someone?"

"Then I'll just watch him kiss you, won't I?"

This is the first time the two have quarreled since they met.That night, she didn't lie in Xiao Yi's arms. She was worried about how to appease Zhou Qingnian, how to explain Xiao Yi and searched for an explanation. She thought for a whole night before she found a reason that made sense.Early the next morning, she said to Xiao Yi, "I'll explain to Zhou in a while, and you also go and apologize."

Xiao Yi stared at her unconsciously, and said something coldly. "fart!"

She didn't expect that the master already knew about this and asked Xiao Yi. Xiao Yi, who was angry, also spoke rudely to her master. He raised his head and said, "It's none of your business." This way, the master suddenly dismissed Xiao Yi's past behavior. Favor, completely sided with Zhou Qingnian, and strongly demanded that she cut off contact with Xiao Yi.

This incident quickly spread within a moderate range, and various discussions and speculations were flying around in every corner like insects with wings. In these rumors, Luo Simin, like Zhou Qingnian, was a victim.Most people accuse Xiao Yi of wantonly preventing their legitimate love for some despicable purpose.So curious, angry, sympathetic, caring, all kinds of faces frequently swayed in front of her, and felt someone pointing at her wherever she went, she could only keep silent, unable to refute, every time she heard people talking about Xiao Yi Words, her heart hurts like a knife.She only hoped that the situation would calm down as soon as possible. The only way was to continue to get along with Zhou Qingnian and talk about the so-called love.

But Xiao Yi disagreed. Since Zhou Qingnian offended her, Xiao Yi wanted her to break up, so she had to do work for Xiao Yi repeatedly. Now is not the time to break up. , Zhou Qingnian had an opinion again, complaining that they were not like a relationship together, and asked her if she was threatened by Xiao Yi, and so on. Facing all kinds of pressure, she felt exhausted.

Summer is approaching, and people's emotions are also rising with the temperature. When Xiao Yi asked again how long she would spend with Zhou Qingnian, she finally broke out. "I don't know. You asked me to be with him in the first place."

"I was wrong at the beginning. I shouldn't have come up with such a bad idea." Xiao Yi said, "Actually, thinking about it, we were wrong and shouldn't use him."

"Then what do you want me to do? To go on a blind date, or to hold your arm and disclose our relationship?"

"It can't go on like this anyway, we have to reconsider later."

Yes, what should I do next?In those days, she has been thinking about this issue. No one wants to live under the strange eyes of others, and no one wants to keep pointing at others.Therefore, even if she broke up with Zhou Qingnian, she still wanted to go on blind dates and continue to associate with a certain young man.Rather than tossing around like this, it is better to maintain the status quo.

"I've thought about it." She said, "I'll go with Zhou, and if we can't go on, we'll marry him. Anyway, I only have you in my heart, and we will always be together."

"Impossible!" Xiao Yi flatly rejected it. "It's irresponsible and unfair to you, me, and him to do so."

"Then what do you say?"

"Let's go, go far away, to a place that no one knows."

She shook her head. "Where are we going? Where will there be a place for us?"

Both of them insisted on their own opinions, and they began to quarrel endlessly on weekdays. No one could convince the other, so Xiao Yi proposed to break up.

"What did you say?" She asked incredulously, "Say it again."

"If you have plans to get married, we can't be together."

After hearing this, she smiled, raised her legs and stepped onto the table, opened the window and jumped down. It was too bullying, and everyone was forcing her. Why don't you just jump from the 5th floor, and it's over.

Xiao Yi grabbed her and hugged her by the waist.She scratched and bit like crazy, followed Xiao Yi, and now she said such a thing, what's the point of living.He kept saying that he loved her with his life, so why couldn't he understand her difficulties and pressure?

Xiao Yi hugged her tightly, crying too, with that kind of silent twitching all over his body.For the first time, she clearly felt Xiao Yi's struggle and helplessness.

After that, Xiao Yi didn't mention breaking up again, and he didn't stop her from dating Zhou Qingnian anymore, but sometimes before her date, he held her tightly in his arms, kissed her hard, and even bit her lips.Most of the time, Xiao Yi was very silent.She knew that there was already a distance between the two of them, like a big pool, suddenly there was a crack in the middle, and she saw that the full trust and love was being lost bit by bit, but there was no way to mend it.In this torment, she could only drag along the original track.

Until now, she still doesn't know what happened that night, she only remembers seeing such an incredible scene when she went back to the dormitory.Later, she sat on the stone bench downstairs until dawn, but she still didn't know if it was a hallucination.Going to work in the workshop in a daze, I received a call about something to do at home, so I took a week's family leave and went back to my hometown.

When she came back, Xiao Yi left and was transferred to Factory No. [-] without leaving a word.She went to No. [-] Factory many times to look for him, but Xiao Yi kept avoiding him. After finally blocking him once, he pulled out a fruit knife and slashed his wrist. "If you don't want me to die, don't come here again."

If it is said that all the endings are doomed before the beginning, then who directed the parting scene?What made Xiao Yi suddenly become so heartless?What happened that night?She couldn't figure it out, and when she asked Xiao Nan, she just cried.

Helpless, when the stock market was in a downturn, she cut up all the stocks and sold them for 2 yuan, and asked Xiao Nan to take them over.Xiao Nan brought it back intact.

"Master doesn't want it, if he says to take it again, she will be set on fire." Xiao Nan said, "I'm not allowed to look for her again."

Now, she was desperate.She always thought that she saw Xiao Yi very thoroughly. At the beginning, everyone misunderstood the weirdness and unreasonableness. In her opinion, it was just a thick shell built by Xiao Yi. It looks like a tooth and claw, but it is fragile and soft inside. It is the weakest place she has ever found Xiao Yi. , dragged her out, and now, Xiao Yi retracted into the shell again.She knew she had lost her completely.

It was very late at night, and Luo Simin clearly felt the chill of autumn.I can see her tomorrow, ten years later, what will she look like?