I hate the world

He Jialun was only 13 years old when he saw Xiao Shen for the first time.The cafeteria of Boya Junior High School is decorated in a grand style. There are large swaths of sunlight shining in the lobby, and no part is shaded.When he saw him, there were unfinished dishes on the table.Xiao Shen's brows were tightly furrowed, he couldn't hide his thoughts, but his legs were stretched out in the aisle, as if nothing could hinder his way.He Jialun's heart throbbed for some reason, and he couldn't control his hand to touch that rugged eyebrow.

Xiao Shen raised his head, and looked at him with a pair of good-looking eyes, with a little carelessness.He Jialun barely withdrew his half-outstretched hand and met his gaze. He heard his own voice and paused every word: "Hi, I'm He Jialun from Class [-], Grade [-]."

"Ah Shen, let's go, let's go do the experiment." Before He Jialun could say what he wanted to say, a classmate on the way called him away. Xiao Shen picked up the dinner plate with one hand, carried his schoolbag with the other, and got up. I glanced at him, "Xiao Shen, Class One, Senior One."

Fireworks were set off in my heart, and the corners of my mouth could not be restrained raised. He Jialun himself is not bad, so when he laughed at this time, it surprised the classmates who saw around him.

The real contact was in the third year of junior high school. No one expected that Fu Jingyan, the popular lover in class one of the third year of senior high school, and Xiao Shen, who had always been the first in the grade, had a homosexual scandal.All of a sudden, the sound of sarcasm, ridicule, and theater watching was endless.

It's almost the end of school in the afternoon.In winter, He Jialun finished sorting out the teacher's materials, looked up out of the window, and saw that the stars had already climbed up the slope.He complained a few times in dissatisfaction before walking out of the classroom.Habitually, he walked to another teaching building.The third-grade classroom on the first floor was dark. He Jialun glanced casually, and suddenly, he froze in shock.

A ray of moonlight shines on the two people who are embracing and kissing.Both of them were wearing Boya school uniforms, but they had different flavors. One was calm and indifferent, full of a sense of abstinence, while the other was flamboyant and bright, even the moonlight became his foil.Xiao Shen, and the legendary Fu Jingyan.

He Jialun couldn't move his feet anymore. He knew he should go and run away, but his feet didn't listen. He leaned gently on the window sill, secretly watching them who were kissing so passionately, a sore feeling came from him. The top of the head exploded and flowers bloomed.

That person looked at the other person tenderly, with one arm tightly around the other person, resting his chin on his shoulder, and gently stroking his back with the other hand, nostalgic and affectionate.

By coincidence, He Jialun took out his mobile phone, and the two people on the screen appeared in the frame, unexpectedly matching each other. With a "click", it was frozen.

The next day the school exploded, and stories about Xiao Shen and Fu Jingyan were spread everywhere.The punishment came down quickly, but it was an insignificant demerit.At the same time, Fu Jingyan went abroad.

No one knew what happened to Xiao Shen in the days after that.Will you be sad?Will you miss it?Except He Jialun.He managed to stand by his side, even though Xiao Shen didn't nod.

It was a small apartment with three bedrooms and one living room, but it was not far from Xiao Shen's Yandong University.He Jialun, who was in the first year of high school, moved here after struggling with his mother for a while.He still remembered Xiao Shen's astonished eyes when he stood in front of Xiao Shen's house for the first time.He hugged him excitedly and happily, wrapped his arms around his waist tightly, raised his head, and said, "Xiao Shen, I'm coming!" But he ignored Xiao Shen's complicated expression at that time.

He Jialun quickly settled down, and the house was full of his aura imprints.Pairs of toothbrushes, towels of the same style, cute rabbit shoes, piles of snacks and endless DVD comics.He thought he was already half the owner of this place, but Xiao Shen told him with actions that he was not, and never will be.

The sofa was already chilled by the winter night, but He Jialun didn't feel the cold at all. He lay on it with his limbs spread out, breathing deeply, and stared at the lamp on the ceiling without blinking.

On the day Fu Jingyan went abroad, Xiao Shen didn't come to school. It was He Jialun who found him in a bar. At that time, he was already drunk and his lips were drawn into a line. He Jialun knew that it was his expression trying to hide his emotions.He didn't know why he was still depressed until now, couldn't he let go of his burden.He lowered his head, turned his eyes to him, and called his name clearly and eagerly for the first time, "Xiao Shen, you are drunk, I will take you away."

When those deep eyes were aimed at him, He Jialun felt that the whole world was silent, the moment when only the two of them were left in the world was so good, so good that he didn't want to let go.

Sometimes the black hair fell on his face, and he straightened up to touch it as much as possible, but he couldn't touch it when he was about to touch it.

When the fiery lips kissed, He Jialun immediately felt the burning all over his body. He remained motionless mechanically, but both hands involuntarily clung to his neck.He Jialun buried his face in his arms, listening to his heartbeat, felt extremely happy.Outside the window, the lights are about to die, and the families are quiet.

In the morning, they each do their own thing, as if that night was just a dream of He Jialun, just wishful thinking.With the sound of closing the door, he finally couldn't take it anymore and buried himself in the bed, crying bitterly.

Is everyone's love so breathless?Trapped in the warm quilt, he felt more vulnerable and helpless than ever.Even though he is only 16 years old, he seems to have the heart of 60 years old.On the way back, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony seemed to be sung in his ears.Only fate can make him happy, and only him can make him have the courage to resist fate and enjoy fate.

During the summer vacation of the second year of high school, He Jialun held a birthday party for Xiao Shen. In the Shengshi Hotel, a table was full of people, all of whom were him and his friends.But until twelve o'clock in the middle of the night, the protagonist didn't come. He Jialun, who was wearing a black suit, stood at the magnificent doorway, holding a small cake awkwardly in his hand. He made it by himself and learned it for a long time.

Every time a figure approached, He Jialun's eyes lit up a little, watching the figure gradually reveal itself under the light, his eyes dimmed a little.The god of fate has never favored him, he is not ignorant, but he just struggled a little, and the pain was so painful that he could no longer move forward.Friends came over one by one, some put his shoulders on his shoulders, some whispered to him to forget it, and left one by one.It was always like this, he knew they would leave, but only he himself was willing to wait like this forever.

After graduating from the college entrance examination in the third year of senior high school, He Jialun entered the Department of Finance with a score 60 points higher than the admission score of Yandong University.He is the champion of science in their province. He could have gone to a better university, but he chose this one.He came out of the closet, to his parents, to the whole world, with integrity and without fear.

It was also that year that Fu Jingyan returned to China.

He Jialun once again stood at the crossroads of life, strong, resolute, and determined.Stick to the love in your mouth.In the high society of Yancheng, this joke was spread everywhere.The dignified young master of the He family is willing to be someone else's crotch minister, but it's a pity that young master Xiao still doesn't buy it.

No one knew that He Jialun knelt in his yard for three days and three nights, did not eat or drink until he fainted and was sent to the hospital for treatment. He almost died.No one knew that He Jialun's mother secretly shed tears and told her son to let go. This idea made him apologize to He's father and admit his mistake, but there was no response.No one knew that He Jialun's heart had been crushed so many times, but as always, there was only one, one place, one place.He Jialun doesn't know how powerful a person is, but he is willing to do it, even if it's just his solitude.

It was three months since the storm passed when I saw Xiao Shen again.Those eyes are still the same as in memory, deep and meaningless, as if there is no place in the world worthy of his attention.He Jialun, who was lying on the hospital bed, stretched out his hand as if meeting him for the first time. This time he touched his thick black eyebrows, and he giggled like a child asking for candy.

Xiao Shen's expression was complicated and difficult to understand. At this time, his phone rang, and the moment he picked it up, his serious face softened, "Well, I'm in the hospital, okay, you wait for me there, I'll be right there .”

"It's Fu Jingyan. Hehe." He Jialun and Xiao Shen have been together for three years, and the number of face-to-face meetings is at most one year, maybe less.Even the normal talking is almost pitiful, and the number of sex is a lot, but those are not too good memories.

"I don't regret it." He Jialun stared into his eyes, firmly grasping the small one in his eyes.The hands under the sheet tightly pinched his thighs, so that he could not let himself tremble with fear.

Xiao Shen took a few steps forward, stretched out his hand to him, and stroked him lightly. As far as he remembered, this seemed to be the first time.But it was also the last time.

"I know you did that thing." Xiao Shen sighed, but the corners of his mouth curled up, "Xiaojing was sent out of the country after he attempted suicide, for me. After returning to the country three years later, he was already suffering from severe depression. For me. On that night three years ago, in Hongxing, he was raped several times by your subordinates, and you just watched him for so long."

Shocked by Xiao Shen's words, He Jialun looked at him stiffly. For a moment, he wanted to hide far away and not let anyone find him.

But Xiao Shen didn't look at him, his gaze was cast out of the window, there was a big tree there, the branches were almost reaching into the room, and the light at dusk was faintly visible, coming and going, which made him feel tired and relieved.He continued, "Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but as soon as I see you, it reminds me of Xiaojing's suffering. Now that he's back, I just want to protect him."

You did a great job, He Jialun thought bitterly.But he kept a light look on his face, "I have nothing to say."

The moment the door closed, the entire ward fell into doomsday-like silence.Under the sheets, he was completely naked, his body was covered with scars of various shades, and there was hardly a piece of intact skin.

"Every time you reject me, I will cut you with a knife, Ah Shen." He raised his head until tears flowed from the corner of his eyes, and slid the blade fiercely towards his wrist, and immediately, there was blood like a column.

"You never know how much I love you, and I know that the way to love you is wrong, but I really don't want to be just a passer-by in your life, that's all. As a result, you also saw that I lost."