Gu Nianruochu

After class was over, Wei Siyuan came out of the classroom. Students were standing on both sides of the corridor waiting for the next class to come in. They were looking down with musical form analysis in their hands, talking in low voice with the students beside them. The piano room in the distance floated Students came to practice the mixed and chaotic sounds of different musical instruments. On the first floor, a boy with a thick back was manically beating the vending machine that couldn't drink drinks for a long time. The campus seemed inexplicably noisy and lively that day.

He crossed the crowd calmly and calmly, with a quiet and ethereal temperament, as if everything in the hustle and bustle had nothing to do with him. He was in the busy and impetuous background, but he was alone outside the reality, and the time flow by his side would also change. It becomes slow and viscous, and in his world in spring, summer, autumn and winter, the temperature is constant and low.

Suddenly, someone reached out and grabbed him, dragging him back to the busy and crowded reality. Wei Siyuan turned his head, and his mind was blank for two seconds before he recognized the student in front of him. It was the orchestra he usually directed. Timpani player Charles, "Ah, Wei Siyuan, great, I finally found you."

"What's the matter, do you need me?" Wei Siyuan was a little stunned.

Charles quietly breathed a sigh of relief, but his tone was still quite anxious, "Well, today dozens of students from foreign conservatories came to communicate with us, and another group was originally arranged to do a demonstration performance of the symphony, but their conductor suddenly I can’t come back because I’m sick, the professor asked me to come to you, now I’m running out of time, the performance will start in half an hour, no need to wear formal clothes, it’s just an academic exchange performance, but it’s impossible without a conductor.”

"But I'm not very familiar with the repertoires of other groups. Is it really okay to arrange for me to play temporarily?"

"It's absolutely fine, you can rest assured." Charles heard Wei Siyuan's question and quickly responded to dispel his concerns, "They were going to perform Brahms' Fifth Hungarian Dance and Dvořák's Ninth Symphony. The fourth movement, these two capitals are pieces that you have used in public performances before."

Before Charles finished speaking, he grabbed Wei Siyuan's arm and hurriedly tried to pull him away, as if he had grasped a life-saving straw when he was drowning, and he would not let go no matter what, "Please come to the rescue, conductor."

As a student orchestra conductor who has not yet officially debuted, accumulating stage experience will play a key role in future development, so Wei Siyuan nodded after a little thought, and followed his classmates to the direction of the concert hall.

The musicians who had already prepared in the concert hall were relieved when they heard Wei Siyuan's agreement. Some musicians who had always wanted to join the band directed by Wei Siyuan screamed excitedly and kept looking backstage, waiting for Wei Siyuan to come over.

After Wei Siyuan arrived at the scene, he took a short break to prepare to conduct the score. After the chief violin got up and tuned, he walked from the backstage of the concert hall to the conductor's seat.

Although it is only the first time to cooperate with these musicians, everyone's eyes are full of trust and expectation for him, and all the musicians are very familiar with the music, and they have already established a tacit understanding in rehearsals. Wei Siyuan The temporary help is like a tiger with wings for them.

His commanding level is very high, and the expression on every note is meaningful. His ears are very sensitive to catch the small flaws in each section. His instructions are calm, accurate and clear, and he strictly controls the rhythm of the music. Overall composition and rhythmic evolution.

Every time he stood on the conductor's seat, he was completely opposite to the blank and isolated appearance on the campus. There seemed to be stars in the universe in his eyes, and the greatness of these magnificent symphonies collided between his gestures and gestures. The light of the musician's mind.

At the end of the two songs, two hundred or so foreign exchange students and teachers and students from our school specially came to watch applauded and cheered. Wei Siyuan raised his hand slightly, and all the musicians stood up on their seats. He turned around and joined everyone. Bowing to express his gratitude, a person from the crowd watching from the audience came up from behind, and shouted in Chinese to the people on the stage, "You are so handsome, Wei Siyuan!"

Standing on the stage, Wei Siyuan was taken aback for a moment, then he looked up at the audience and smiled faintly.

The host of the exchange meeting stepped onto the stage and introduced the conductor on the stage and the chief of the violin, cello, oboe, clarinet, flute and other divisions. The students in the audience raised their hands to ask questions, and the people on the stage were responsible for answering.

Wei Siyuan had no prior preparation for this session, he was in a state of half-ignorance, and because his performance as a conductor was so eye-catching, half of the students who were not studying conducting themselves raised their hands to ask him questions. Fortunately, he responded quickly enough. , the entire question-and-answer process was very smooth.

In the middle of the journey, a bold girl took the opportunity to ask questions and expressed her love for him. He also smiled and nodded, expressing his gratitude generously.

He is no longer the Wei Siyuan who fell to the bottom two years ago and licked his wounds alone with despair and struggle in his eyes.

The exchange meeting ended at twelve noon. Wei Siyuan packed up his baton and music scores, carried his schoolbag and went out from the main entrance of the concert hall. He met the people who had been waiting for him outside the door. He smiled softly and said, "Long time no see. , Shen Yan."

"How are you doing, Wei Siyuan." Shen Yan was still the same as before, with blunt eyes and a bright smile, and when getting along with him, there was always a gentle feeling like a spring breeze, exuding a carefree and free temperament.

"As you can see." Wei Siyuan said, "Why did you come here?"

"I haven't decided whether I want to go abroad to study pop music, so I took the opportunity of the school's exchange and study tour to come out and see you." Shen Yan and Wei Siyuan walked out together, and looked at him carefully for a while, "here Surprised to see me, right?"

"Unexpected, but reasonable." Wei Siyuan said, "I could feel that your family is quite rich before, you can study casually regardless of rankings, and you can try to do things you are interested in, so you don't have to worry about making decisions about your life. Orientation, going to class during the day and singing at night to meet friends, there is not much pressure in life, because most wishes can be easily realized, including tens of thousands of dollars to go abroad for a "study tour" for a month."

"When you say that, I seem to be a heartless shopkeeper. In fact, it is very difficult to find something that I can keep my passion for all my life. Sometimes I feel uncertain about the future, because people like me have nothing to do. Feeling of oppression, if you don’t really like it, you won’t be able to maintain the patience for most things.” Shen Yan turned to look at Wei Siyuan, and asked, “Do you have anything else to do this afternoon? place to sit?"

As soon as the words fell, Wei Siyuan's cell phone rang. Yin Xu, who had been rehearsing for more than three hours, was walking towards the parking lot, calling him while walking, "Siyuan, are you out of school? Are you in the library or at home now?" , I'll pick you up to the landlord's aunt's house."

"I have some things to do today." Wei Siyuan glanced at Shen Yan, "You can find a place to eat by yourself after the rehearsal is over. I'll be back before four o'clock in the afternoon."

"Where are you going, do you want me to take you?" Yin Xu asked.

Wei Siyuan hesitated for a moment whether to explain to Yin Xu, because he still had a deep memory. He said there was no need to explain, so he only replied with two short words, "No need."

Yin Xu's tone was a little disappointed, and he asked one more question unwillingly, "Then how about picking you up?"

"No need." Wei Siyuan still said in the same tone, "I will come back by myself, don't worry, that's all." After finishing speaking, he hung up the phone.

Wei Siyuan and Shen Yan sat down at a nearby Cafe, picked a seat by the window, and ordered a sandwich, a muffin, a cup of hand-brewed Rwandan coffee, and a cup of caramel macchiato.

After placing the order, the waiter took away the menu card and left. The two sat face to face, their eyes met. There was a sudden silence for a few seconds, and they could only look at each other and smile awkwardly.

"Wei Siyuan." Shen Yan read the name softly, breaking the silence, "You are in love."

"I haven't." Wei Siyuan calmly denied it.

Shen Yan smiled but remained silent for a while, and then said again, "The person who called you on the road just now was Yin Xu, right? He found you and returned to your side." He looked at Wei Siyuan with eyes full of eyes. Confused, "It's not a secret in our school, and you don't look like someone who would spend more than $400 on a Burberry scarf when you were still in school."

Wei Siyuan glanced at the scarf he casually put on the chair next to him, his cheeks felt hot quietly, never thought about what Yin Xu said, "I bought it on the road, I've worn it a few times, I don't really like it, I think it suits you better" The old scarf is also worth the price, and I don't know whether he looks down on him for being poor and doesn't know the brand from the bottom of his heart, or if he deliberately conceals it to maintain his self-esteem.

"I'm still a little worried that you won't recognize me today." Seeing that he didn't speak, Shen Yan stopped asking, and avoided the subject, "You've been away for two years, and you haven't sent me a single email. , I haven’t even called me, I’m like a passerby, after a short encounter with you, I became a stranger who gradually drifted away.”

"I didn't alienate you on purpose, and I seriously regarded you as a friend, but... probably because I don't know how to maintain relationships with friends. The social relationship between me and most people in my life is that I don't see each other anymore. I won’t keep in touch any more, and as a result, after leaving a place, it’s like I don’t know anyone anymore.”

"I know, later I ran into your roommate Zheng Heng at school, and he said that you had never contacted him, as if he had disappeared, until you suddenly replied to him and sent you a WeChat message on New Year's Day this year. Get in touch." Shen Yan lowered his head and stirred the coffee in the cup, "So it's not a question of the level of communication, but that you are a person who never takes the initiative to approach anyone, and is quite resistant to others entering your life."

"It seems to be true." Wei Siyuan laughed, but the smile was clear and cold, "My life is boring, occasionally dark and depressing, and only a few times there is sunshine. There is nothing to understand. Others treat me well, I also often don’t know what I can do to repay them, so I feel more comfortable keeping a distance from everyone, maybe my mind is too small, and I can’t pretend to be anyone.”

Shen Yan spread butter on the muffin with a knife, raised his eyes to look at Wei Siyuan, "But you can open up your heart to someone who hurt you again and again, isn't it very contradictory? I still remember, I The last time I saw you, how sad you were, you said you might never love anyone again..."

Wei Siyuan was stunned, his expression was dazed for a moment, it seemed that even he himself almost forgot what kind of mood he had left in the first place, the memory was disturbed by time, and the pain had already been melted away by the later encounters.

"...I also remember how much I loved you at that time, even though I was just a spectator watching other people's stories from the beginning to the end."

Wei Siyuan shook his head with a smile, and turned his gaze out of the window, "Our feelings are different."

Everyone has their own bitterness. Anyone who sees other people's life is actually innocuous. Empathy is an event with a very small probability. Empathy is just a human instinct.

So why is it so powerless to comfort others, everyone will only say useless things, it will be fine, it will be fine, it will pass, but when will it be fine, when will it be fine, when will it pass , no one knows.

Some things can never pass. A person’s experience is written in every choice he has to face the present and the future. That is the whole reason why you are you. The so-called past often just means accepting the facts and juxtaposing them. Afterwards.

There is no doubt that a child who has been loved and loved at home since he was a child is loved, so he will feel that it is worthwhile to get love, and it seems natural to love anyone.

But for someone like him who rarely even gets warmth, he will have self-doubt when he is loved, why do others love me, is it because of what I did, and is there anything I must do to keep him.

Because no one was able to keep him, he met anyone as if to say goodbye.

"I didn't come here because I wanted to escape from Yin Xu, I came here for myself." Wei Siyuan took a sip of coffee and let the mellow taste bloom on the tip of his tongue, "I have never been satisfied with my life in the past. Places are dispensable for anyone, I have no self, no self-esteem, often do not feel that I exist, and even the motivation to survive depends on chasing and liking others, so what is the meaning of living like this?"

This is not a busy afternoon, the sun is lazy, slanting down on the shoulders and hair of the person by the window, there is a slow rhythm of piano sound floating in the air in the Cafe, Beethoven Piano Sonata No. [-] in C Minor " The second movement of "Pathetic" is as soft as if being caressed by the warm and soft spring breeze with the smell of grass and trees.

"The reason why I choose to leave is not Yin Xu. I escape from my supposedly unhappy life in the eyes of others. I want to live honestly and find the meaning of living in this world as myself. It's not someone else's." The illegitimate child is not anyone's friend, let alone anyone's follower, but myself. In this way, whether it is happiness or pain in life, it is the result of my self-choice, and I don't have to blame anyone for treating me fairly."

Shen Yan stared at the person in front of him, a little unbelievable at first, but later recalled what he meant, "You must first learn to be a person before you can become someone else's lover, right?"

"It doesn't matter whether there are people who have a life or not, and it doesn't matter whether you love others or not." Wei Siyuan nodded, "I'm not the kind of person who needs others to love me because I lack love. I am indispensable to the other party, so I have the confidence to accept the feelings others give me without any doubt."