[comprehensive] accumulated gold and bone

Returning to Meihui's world, Fuchou finds out that You Jing seems to have bought the house, and the furnishings in the house are as they were when Fuchou was there, and the owner should be on a business trip.

He walked to the side of the bed in his original room by the window, dropped the dagger, and leaned against the bed wearily.The tip of the knife sank into the floor, and the upright blade reflected the afterglow of the setting sun.

He stared at it, the sword given by Akashi, he couldn't break it with it at that time, now, he is afraid of the future, but also regrets the past, hesitates, and finally returns to the gate of death.Even though he had decided how to die, he was in a state of confusion, couldn't figure it out, couldn't let it go, and he didn't have a moment of peace.

Leaning over to touch the bottom of the bed, he encountered a familiar texture, the box of Meihui's manuscripts was still there.Today, several worlds away, he dragged out the box, dusted it off, and casually took it out to look through it.Because he feels that he is not ready, always, people are never ready for death, there is no time that is not right, and there is no time that is right.

After reading each article one by one, one piece of paper with densely written and chaotic handwriting caught his attention. It was an essay without a title.

"After that, I surrendered."

The first line is a paragraph by itself.

"I'm like a half-push prostitute, the difference is that the person didn't throw the money directly in my face, but indirectly threw the publishing contract in my face.

"I have been at home for a month, have no appetite, and rarely get out of bed. I judge my heart and virtue all the time. Life is imposed on me from the outside. Time flows through me on its own. I will bear it and wash my face with tears, so I feel more and more that I really have no value in living, and I am extremely disappointed in my existence, but I am still panting and writing all kinds of things."

So do I, he thought, and I can't die, too, reading what you've written.

"The tragedy is a tearing wound that will not heal, it will only become a scar. The sad and terrible thing is that I am gradually lost in the grief. Every time I fall asleep and dream about that time, I am always terrified and in pain. That man, I don't even want to mention his name, I don't want to think about the whole process, no longer wearing skirts and long hair, I don't think I can love men for the rest of my life, let alone understand what normal sex is.

"Why did such misfortune happen to me? I shouldn't have left home, I shouldn't have literary dreams, I shouldn't hope to be loved, I shouldn't be so dissatisfied after all this is shattered.

"Why did I injure myself? Because I couldn't commit suicide. I ran across my wrist with an unpleasant knife, and subconsciously let go of the forceful hand on the blue-green veins, so there was not even a drop of blood. The heaviest cut was at the signing In the afternoon after finishing the contract, a lot of blood flowed, and the dizziness caused by blood loss made me fall asleep, and I regained consciousness alone in my small room like an urn. Judging from the results, I didn’t find the right blood vessel, and I acted too lightly and too timidly. , too pity.

"Every day, when I open my eyes, my first thought is 'how am I still alive', and I feel sorry for myself, thinking why no one loves me, why no one reads what I wrote, and answering to myself, because you don't deserve to be loved, because what you wrote Things are rubbish, I don’t even have the confidence and reason to blame the society, so I persuade myself with the most realistic explanation, and then I fall into the vicious circle of suicide and self-mutilation. In the short term, my biggest wish is to die immediately. Don't blame yourself any more.

"Pain makes me feel alive, and being alive makes me suffer. It seems that I have become an animal imprisoned by fate, free and only sad, and I am no longer a human being."

He had to pause for a while to calm down, and the latter paragraph even made him think that she was writing about him, and the whole article was bleeding from his wound.

"Today I woke up and hated myself as usual. The curtains accidentally opened a crack to let in the moonlight. I stared at it for a few hours without crying or laughing. When I went to draw the curtains, I saw the starry sky. There was a third of the moon and two dim stars hanging in the sky between the tall buildings. I forgot how long I looked at it, and all the complicated thoughts that flashed through me, but I remember the wonderful feeling of peace and relief. .

"From a broad perspective, human life is obtained from a series of struggles. Even though I often hate my life, I have to admit that birth and living are instinctive autonomy, not passive. I hope that writing can make me Remember what it felt like to look up at that sliver of the night sky—before and after, you are a life with authority over your own.

"Not for the love of the world, not for the atrocities of others, not for the injustice of society, not for the cruelty of fate, you don't live for these loves or mistakes that don't belong to you.

"You have to see yourself as a human being. Don't just look at yourself, you have to look at others; don't just look down, you have to look up; don't just look at the present, you have to look at the future.

"You can come out, but you can't, and you have to crawl out with both hands and feet."

Seeing this, Fu Fu burst out laughing suddenly, but tears have been streaming since watching the first paragraph.

"After writing this page, tomorrow I will continue to run in the morning as usual and be busy with my livelihood. The neighbor's garbage is still piled up in the corridor, so I help her to throw it away. On the way, I saw a homeless man sleeping under the bridge to buy him some food. I donated the royalties from those compromise transactions to the Women’s Association, and the dirty money will become clean. People should have countless opportunities to repent in this world. One mistake, one hundred mistakes, and the fact that the fault itself is irreparable, no matter what It doesn't help, the so-called compensation is often just for their own well-being, that's right, to make their own well-being, caring for others while caring about themselves, deceiving oneself and others, the lies that control life will not stop until death, as long as you don't die, there is nothing you can't live with, deep kindness, great hatred , love, hatred, everything will fade away. I will continue to passively complete this meaningless journey of life without hesitation, and do more good deeds. I thought I had no faith. I was wrong. From now on, my faith is 'Belief'.

"The most important thing is to continue writing. I think I was born for this, and I have this mission. The most important thing about the mission is not to complete that thing, but the process of being determined to complete that thing."

He was immersed in her words, and his depressed mood gradually became scattered and hesitant with her persuasion to himself.

"It doesn't matter whether you succeed or fail, forever, let's talk about success or failure. Things in the world don't pay off if you pay. Or if you say too much betting and expecting too much, you are doomed to be let down. So I will never succeed. Prepare for the day, just persevere. Pain is like a tide, and I float and sink in it. If one day I collapse again, it has nothing to do with the thing itself. It must be that I am in the middle of the thing. Literature is firm and eternal.

"I saved myself through stories and words, and I hope I can help you too, my future readers."

When he saw this, he felt that she was watching him through the paper, and his heart beat twice faster, followed by an unspeakable pain.

"Man is a selfish creature, if he is not born with developed empathy, he may only understand the suffering of others when he is in trouble. It is also because I told myself that things are already like this, and all you can do is Accept the fact, and accept who you are, and move on.

"Despair and hope are two sides of the palm. Despair chokes your throat. You struggle and you don't die. Then you see the hope on the back of your hand. In the future, you will turn the grief of looking down at the grave into the grief of looking up at the stars, and then say to yourself, Even if I am like this, I have the right to judge myself, and I also have the right to forgive myself."

The text is exhausted.

He tremblingly hugged the paper full of gentle words to his chest, his heart ached, the pain was extreme, he bent his back as if overwhelmed by an invisible force, hid his face in his knees, wept uncontrollably, his heart was like Since Tieshi decided to earn 30 tons of gold by all means, he has never cried, crying so painfully.

He is only now willing to admit that she is a great novelist and writer, and he is not one of them.

At least his heart will finally be moved by this, and the pain will give birth to a new strength. Through words, she let the compassionate and bright sunshine of Utopia refill his heart across time and space, life and death, let him commemorate the past and never forget it again. I am stuck in the past, forgive everything in the past, forgive myself, and step forward to the future with ease.

But before the future begins and he bids farewell to the past, he really wants to see her again.

……

He fell asleep.

A gentle breeze brought in a drizzle, and he woke up with his face wet. A child sleeping on the grass in the distance was also woken up by the moist wind.

The child yawned, sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, his face was flushed in sleep, and he smiled with the corners of his mouth curled up when he was sleeping. When he woke up, he looked at the sky, and his smile was even brighter and more lovely when he looked into the distance.

Fu Choo heard himself asking, "Why are you smiling all the time?"

The black-haired and blue-eyed boy replied, "I am Mihailo."

By the way, he loved to laugh when he was a child, and he always smiled at all times, so the clansmen who rejected foreigners couldn't bear to embarrass him.

But he forgot why he could be so happy at that time.

"Why are you so happy?"

The child still smiled: "Because I am Mikhailo."

"I am also you, the future you, let you down by becoming like this."

The child came over, and Fu Chi squatted down to see what he was doing, would he blame him?

The child touched Fucho's face with his soft little hands.

"Why can you forgive me so easily?"

"You will forgive me too, how long has it been since you became like this?"

Fu Chou was stunned for a long time.I can't remember clearly, because of the time difference and flow rate difference between worlds, the time on his body is relatively static after he acquires that ability, and only fluctuates within a small range.The amount of time he felt elapsed: "About 20 years."

"Then you still have two or three 20 years, and it will be fine if you change back again."

It's not that easy. Listening to him, it seems that nothing is difficult.

"I'm leaving."

"You are welcome to come over anytime."

Fufu stepped back and paused. Although he was asking, the movement of shaking his head had already settled the answer: "Come back?"

There is his shadow in the child's lake-like eyes, as well as the blue sky and light of his hometown.

"We never left you, we were always there."