Dedicated to Luhe

I know that everyone is not as simple as it seems on the surface. The full-time funny clowns in the amusement park turn around with tired faces.

The Lu He I have met is an elite in the workplace and a proud man in life.

He is well educated and has a good life.

He is both internal and external, which is enviable.

But at the same time, behind his brilliance, there are layers of dark clouds that cannot be dispelled.

Lu He said: "Actually, I've been thinking a while ago, if it didn't happen that you came to this company, maybe under some possible opportunity in the future, I would still do stupid things."

His so-called "stupid thing" is of course self-destruction, but being able to correctly recognize that it is a stupid thing is already considered progress.

He's a smart guy, he knows it's stupid and he won't do it again.

"So, what happened?" I held his hand carefully. Although I still don't know what happened, I always feel that he is a person who can ooze bitterness when I touch it hard, which is very distressing.

"I was abandoned."

Lost in love?

I looked at Lu He: "Who is so closed-eyed?"

You don't want such a handsome guy, what are you thinking?

But it's okay, the guy with no vision doesn't want it, I picked up the right one, so I have to thank the other party.

"my family."

Okay, I take back what I just said.

"I went to the wedding the day before." Lu He said, "At my cousin's wedding, my cousin directly announced my sexual orientation."

"what?"

"When I was a teenager, I realized that I was born gay, because my family education was so strict that I didn't dare to mention it to my parents, so I kept it a secret." Lu He said, "Sometimes people are really easily influenced by the outside world. Due to the influence of the environment, when I was in university abroad, there were gay classmates around me who fell in love openly, which made me gradually feel that this is not too unacceptable. But I forgot that it is different if it is different. "

I think I roughly understand what he went through.

"I was still studying at that time, and one day when my brain got hot, I really told my parents." Lu He said, "What happened that day was really beyond my expectation. They didn't believe it at first, and then said I was just influenced by others, and in the end I was ordered to ban me from mentioning this matter, and even introduced me to a girlfriend soon."

I sat and listened, tugging at my pillow.

I once thought about coming out, and for that moment, I even went to various forums to read other people's "experience sharing".

Coming out smoothly is just a beautiful vision. Maybe when the children of our generation grow up, if they come out to us, they can get a little bit of understanding from their parents, but for us and our parents, this is still It's hard to accept what's hard to face.

The reason is that it has something to do with the educational environment and public opinion environment of the whole society. Just like a long time ago, I secretly discussed the topic of homosexuality with my mother. I intentionally guided her to understand and accept it. My mother just sighed in the end. He said angrily: "It's understandable, it's not wrong, everyone has their own way, but I hope you are not."

That's it, my mother, whom I have always believed to be considerate, can only work hard to achieve this level, not to mention, as Lu He said, his family has always been strict.

I didn't ask how strict it was, but I can imagine that it must be unbearable for me.

"Since I came out in college, at least in terms of family life, I have experienced too much." Lu He said, "They began to distrust me. In order to make me give up homosexual fantasies, they even verbally attacked this group and me."

"Still attacking you?"

"I didn't expect that my highly educated parents who have always been strict with themselves would say such words, which are hard to hear and difficult to digest." Lu He said, "They tried their best to get me back on track. Makes us all miserable."

I frowned and didn't speak, and I didn't even know whether I should speak comforting words at this time.

"But I always feel that we will understand each other one day," Lu He said. "The reason why they do this is that on the one hand, they feel that there is a homosexual in their family, which is 'shameful', and on the other hand, they also know that because of this layer of identity , I will inevitably encounter difficulties in my later life. I patiently persuaded and waited patiently. I thought it was just a secret between us, and it would take time to understand and accept it, but I didn’t expect that my cousin would know.”

Lu He paused, and then said: "I had a good relationship with my cousin when I was very young. His parents worked abroad, and he lived in my house until he was 12 years old. We were playmates since childhood, like brothers. But later, after going to school, we often used it for comparison. At home and at school, my parents, his parents, everyone was comparing us. His grades were slightly worse than mine. Every time after the exam, I You can hear the scolding coming from the phone when he was on the phone with his parents."

"Why is this..." I understand that Lu He has been "other people's child" since he was a child, but whether it is him or his cousin, the problem is not with them, but with those adults.

"Maybe because of this, our relationship has gradually become estranged. After middle school, his parents came back and picked him up. Every time we met, it became very awkward." Lu He was silent for a few seconds, and then said, "I and After my family came out of the closet, my dad once told me that he used to always think that my cousin was inferior to me, but now I realize that I can’t compare with others.”

"..." This is what he said.

I actually wanted to say something, but since they were Lu He's parents after all, it seemed inappropriate for me to say anything.

"I was not in China at that time, and I found out later that my parents were actually suffering during that time. They really suffered for a long time because of my affairs. At that time, my cousin often ran to my house to accompany them and relieve them. " Lu He smiled, "It's just that his solution is not to untie our knots, but to cut off the relationship between me and my parents."

"What's going on?" I was confused.

"Maybe because his parents were not around when he was young, so he regarded my parents as his closest relatives," Lu He said, "He wants to prove that he is better than me, which is understandable. My mother told me about my liking for men. He, he is completely on the side of my parents, following them and saying that this is a shameful scandal, he must find a way to break it back for me, and tell them, it doesn't matter, "Lu He is ignorant, you still have me", I will be your own son."

I got dizzy hearing it, and didn't know whether I should complain about Lu He's parents or the cousin who tried to occupy the magpie's nest.

"I see," I said, "and then that kid called you gay in front of everyone at his own wedding just to stomp on your foot?"

"Well, my parents probably didn't expect that either," Lu He said. "At that time, the bride threw a bouquet and let the singles pass by. My cousin stood in the middle with a microphone and let me pass. When I stood up, He suddenly said, 'Oh, I forgot, homosexuals can't get married in China, brother, you better not come'."