don't come near me anymore

If he has tasted the kindness in the world, he will know that the pain in his heart is not so sad.

—— Zhi Gu Xingzhi

On his sixth birthday, he didn't receive a gift from his father for the first time. He squatted at the entrance of the corridor hugging his knees for a long time, until the pungent smell of disinfectant entered his nostrils. He didn't buy it from his father. Suddenly woke up from the grievance of the gift.

He obediently entered the room by himself. His parents had quarreled, and he knew that his father was still angry.

That night, a beautiful aunt came and sat on the sofa that my father had wiped with disinfectant in his father's new slippers, and said to the six-year-old Gu Xingzhi, "Oh, the child is so dirty, go away and go away."

Gu Xingzhi bit his thumb, and the sofa cover bought by his mother was rubbed into the trash can as if venting his anger. He wanted to say that his mother had taught him that children should be clean, but as soon as the word mother said it, his father suddenly looked like a furious dinosaur general He threw it into the room.

His knee hit the stool, his calf was scratched, he cried, and Dad closed the door impatiently.

The moment the door of the room slammed shut, six-year-old Gu Xingzhi thought it was thunder, but what greeted him was the whispering of his father and aunt.

He wants his mother to come back soon, just like when he was a child, hug him and tell him not to be afraid, his mother is here.

It's just that the six-year-old Gu Xingzhi never waited for his mother's comfort anymore, just like the pungent and strong smell of the disinfectant at home covered his mother's smell tightly.

He could no longer find his mother, and the only eyebrow knife left by his mother was dug out of the trash can and secretly hidden in his arms.

When the woman found him, she screamed and told Gu Xingzhi's father that the child secretly hid the blade and had psychological problems. Gu Xingzhi's father thought she was making a fuss, but the woman's next words made him think for a moment.

Can you imagine a ray of light suddenly falling on the wall in the dark night, and then a pair of eyes staring at you so straightly?

Half a month after his sixth birthday, on the night when the blade was discovered, Gu Xingzhi saw his father's disgusted eyes by the moonlight.

He seemed to know why Dad suddenly hated him.

"It's as sick as that woman."

Is this the sentence?

That's what that aunt told Dad in the afternoon, right?

Gu Xingzhi thought to himself.

He held the eyebrow knife tightly, he never thought of hurting anyone, but at this moment he wanted to cut his hand, to see if his father would hug him as distressedly as before.

Probably not.

Thinking of this day after many years, Gu Xingzhi confirmed his answer again.

That man won't feel sorry for him, he is sure.

Half a month after his sixth birthday, he was so well-behaved in the orphanage that everyone thought that the child's parents must have died in an accident to leave such a child alone.

However, no one wants to get close to this child, because he is so well-behaved that people think he is like a puppet.

The teacher at the orphanage asked him why he didn't want to take the initiative to play with the children.

He didn't speak, he knew in his heart that he had parents, but he couldn't say anything, because if he did, he would be taken away by the police.

So it was another few months, he wore the donated clothes and changed into one size bigger shoes, secretly hid the eyebrow knife that had been pulled out of the blade, felt the last trace of his mother's existence, and felt like a strange person hiding in the corner of the orphanage until another day A woman arrives.

It's Gu Ran.

It was also on this day that Gu Xingzhi, who was about to end his six years old, finally stopped saying the words "father and mother". In his memory, these two characters were always replaced by the word "parents". He finally accepted the identity of an orphan.

"Is that right? Just call me Auntie from now on. You also have a younger sister named Gu Ran. She really wants to see you soon."

Aunt Gu was very kind to him at the beginning, accommodating him in almost everything except not allowing him to fall in love early.

Six-year-old Gu Xingzhi doesn't understand what puppy love is, he only knows that there is something he can't do, he doesn't understand what it is, so he is extremely careful in everything he does for fear of making mistakes.

The first ray of dawn he felt in this life came from a child who was younger than him. That child was very naughty and always made a face, but when he saw it, he obediently stretched out his hand and blinked his eyes and said, "Brother, eat candy."

When Gu Xingzhi took the candy, he shook his head, and the kid took a bite of Gu Xing angrily. It was very light, but firmly expressed that the new brother would not let go if he didn't eat candy.

Gu Xingzhi felt that the candy was very sweet, sweeter than the pagoda flowers falling from the pagoda tree outside the door.

When he was seven years old, Gu Xingzhi already knew how to write beautifully with a pen. At that time, his younger sister always liked to show off his brother's beautiful handwriting. When he was eight years old, when his younger sister just entered school, Gu Xingzhi once boasted that his brother was very good at mathematics. Since then, I have never been lazy in mathematics.

He hopes that he will always be the brother who is good at mathematics that his sister can think of.

When he was nine years old, he heard from the girl next door that his younger sister was like a wild child, without a beautiful headband to tie her hair. That summer, he went out early and returned late every day to pick up garbage for two months, and scraped together ten yuan to buy it for his younger sister. A beautiful hairpin.

That night when Gu Ran found him picking up trash, he didn't say anything and just gave him 100 yuan to get out of the house and pick up trash.

That was the first time he saw such a large amount of money. He didn't dare to cry, and just squatted at the door of the house, just like when he was six years old.

He stayed up all night, and suddenly remembered his mother's face, but at this time his mother's face was very blurred, he suddenly touched his body, and suddenly remembered that he had lost his mother's eyebrow knife.

He has no mother...

That night, my sister sneaked out through the window and put a small dress on him. It was also that night that Gu Xingzhi swore to be good to this sister for the rest of his life.

That night he had a high fever, his younger sister cried and asked his mother to open the door, and the crying woke up the neighbor next door, who cursed and shouted if Gu Ran was going to die. Asked a sentence: "Do you still dare to pick up trash without learning?"

This sentence let the neighbors know her intentions and didn't ask any more questions. Gu Xingzhi drank ginger soup and lay down all night. When he woke up again, it was already the next day. The hairpin he gave was clamped on his sister's head. He smiled and got up and returned the money to Gu Ran.

On that day, Gu Ran showed a rare smile and stewed chicken soup. The moment Gu Ran lovingly sandwiched meat for him at the dinner table, he almost thought this was his home.

Until later...until that incident later, when the child who always liked to give him candy grows up, he will show hatred towards him when he grows up, and Gu Ran tells him that all of this is a lie.

From beginning to end, he is the crystallization of Gu Ran's tragic love, the evidence of his mother's fraudulent marriage, the most unnecessary thing, the last thing that shouldn't exist...

He should be sad, but he seemed to have become dull to feelings at that time, maybe he didn't care?

Self-deception.