under fern mountain

Ever since Pei Haojie told Shi Ran everything, Shi Ran fell into a huge shock and a sense of unreality, and even the feeling of fear became ethereal.

He refuses to eat.The feeling of hunger is no longer a torture, but a tool to confirm the existence of one's own body.In addition, he tries to release all his sensibility, not just hunger, but also pain, warmth, and pleasure, trying to find any clues to prove or subvert this world.

He believes that all false illusions have flaws.As long as it is artificially shaped, whether it is a game or the brain itself, there must be a certain blind spot.On the one hand, he couldn't accept the idea that the world he lived in was false, and it seemed absurd just to think about it.On the other hand, he always felt that this was a scam created by the game, otherwise how could he not have any memory about this world to prove that it is real?

Hearing his doubts, Pei Haojie melancholy held the preserved egg porridge that Shi Ran refused to touch, and refused to let it go: "That's because your consciousness has stayed in the virtual space for too long, and the memory in your brain has been tampered with." Yes. In addition to your two uploads of consciousness, all the damage to the brain nerves and cortex...need to recover and wait."

Shi Ran still looked at him with distrust.

"What is more unreliable than memory itself? You know, the brain is good at deceiving us." Pei Haojie persevered in coaxing him to drink the soup, "Let's eat a little, at least a little! Finally woke up, what? Why not be true to yourself?"

"I don't want to eat, I have no appetite." Shi Ran still refused.

Pei Haojie smiled wryly, put down the bowl, pinched his face with gnashing teeth, and called him ancestor.

"I don't know if you're punishing yourself or me."

Shi Ran knew that the hospital would give him water and nutrient solution, and there was no problem with his body for the time being.After he woke up, he could feel his body repairing little by little.At first he couldn't even speak, but he was able to get out of bed to recover in the past two days.

Pei Haojie stayed with him almost 24 hours a day, whether it was sleeping, going to the bathroom, recovering, or talking with him, she showed 12 points of care and patience.He was not lifeless, nor did he criticize Shi Ran harshly because of the game. On the contrary, every time Shi Ran mentioned it, he answered very cautiously, as if he was afraid of causing Shi Ran's bad emotions.But can this really be done?Shi Ran asked himself, if everything Pei Haojie said was true, in this world, he chose to betray and fell asleep for more than two years.If it wasn't for Pei Haojie who never gave up and racked his brains to 'cheat' him back... Faced with such a self, Pei Haojie could really take care of him without any complaints or hatred since he woke up ?

Shi Ran suddenly said in the morning that he had an appetite and wanted to drink pork bone and radish soup. Pei Haojie's eyes lit up after hearing this, and he went home to make soup.

When the nurse was adding water to him, Shi Ran stopped him and asked about what happened in the past two years, especially everything about Pei Haojie very carefully.

"He, he was a little crazy at the beginning, yelling and crying in your room... Of course not often, you know, sometimes people can't stand it and they will collapse for a short time." The nurse said Looking back slowly while holding the kettle, her expression did not reveal any untrue or exaggerated elements, "We all know that Mr. Pei is a lover. The intensive care unit you live in now is the best in the hospital. Generally, it is not provided to vegetative people who have been in a coma for a long time, but Mr. Pei let you live here for two years, because he believes that the best equipment and the most comfortable environment can make you wake up earlier!" The nurse said and twisted Twisting the vase on the bedside table, "Don't look at this little flower as inconspicuous, Mr. Pei will replace it with a new one every week, saying that you can smell the real smell in your dreams, maybe you will wake up."

Shi Ran stared blankly at the wild rhododendron beside the bed, and he didn't know where to buy it. It did have a vague fragrance, although it was not strong, it was impossible to ignore.

"I said these words out of good intentions. We have seen in the past two years that it is really not easy for him! Don't make trouble anymore. During this period of time, you are emotionally unstable and don't eat or drink. Drink it, Mr. Pei is so worried!"

Pei Haojie really brought pork bone soup in the afternoon, with sliced ​​corn and white radish added, the pork was stewed thoroughly, and a little shredded ginger and chopped green onion were added, it was not careless.

Shi Ran looked at him with complicated emotions.Although he still resists this world, although he still maintains [-] points of vigilance, although he does not believe that everything is real now...

But he couldn't resist Pei Haojie's tenderness.

Changing from his normal routine these days, he drank all the soup without complaint, and even finished the pork, corn and white radish.

"You really know you're hungry and can't stand it anymore, ancestor." Pei Haojie looked at the empty thermos in amazement, and asked him if there wasn't enough to eat.

"Why don't you blame me?" Shi Ran didn't answer his question, but looked at him straight.He started again, looking for any evidence that he is the Messiah on Pei Haojie's face, "According to what you said, I slept for two years, and these two years were definitely not a good experience. As if nothing happened, chat with me, accompany me to recover...do you really not care at all?"

Pei Haojie slowly tightened the thermos, and then tightened it again, then turned to look at Shi Ran, confirming the expression on his face.

"Don't watch words and expressions, it always makes me feel like a Bodhisattva." Shi Ran said helplessly.

Only then did Pei Haojie pull up a stool and sit in front of Shi Ran: "Are you finally willing to smile?"

Shi Ran thought about it, these days, his tone and eyes are always heavy and depressed.From the bottom of his heart, he thought this was a very serious, very important, even very dangerous matter, and he never let his guard down for a moment, let alone uttered frivolous words or jokes.The mood is not easy, how can the words be relaxed?

Is it because of listening to those words in the afternoon, or because of the indistinct aroma on the bedside, or because of this bowl of soup that nourished his spirit and made him gradually relax?

"I was in pain at the beginning." Pei Haojie was quiet for a long time before opening her mouth, as if trying to organize her words, "Of course I will. Sadness, shock, anger, self-doubt... Sometimes I will collapse and be overwhelmed." Doctor, please go out, just sit on the bench downstairs, miss you, think about the past, think about when we first met. Gradually, I calm down in a shorter time each time, and rarely lose control of my emotions The situation. I remember it was winter at that time. It was either snowing or freezing cold downstairs. When I couldn’t bear it, I grabbed a handful of snow and rubbed it on my face to make myself feel better. I spent the whole winter and finally let Accept this fact by yourself, stop doing extreme behaviors, useless venting, and start calmly thinking about how to wake you up."

"I blamed you, of course I did. I scolded you for being unconscious on the hospital bed, and then realized that you couldn't hear, and started to lose my temper again... I feel that all my emotions have been vented in that winter. In the end, I couldn’t say anything, I lost all emotions, and my heart felt empty and uncomfortable.”

"Then I was able to calm down and think about what happened to us these days, and I realized that, in fact, every time, the things that caused us to quarrel were not serious, but we cared too much about how the other party reacted to us, as if a little damage would cause a landslide Crack, it's like the end of the world."

"Later, I figured it out. We are actually not confident, and we can't find a suitable solution. Every time, emotion prevails over reason, and we feel that we have been hurt in an endless loop. Adoration, admiration , Desire, heartache...all covered up by these. Those terrible things kept fermenting in the brain, and finally took possession of the feelings for the other party."

Having said this, Pei Haojie gently held Shi Ran's trembling hand: "I was thinking, is it worth it?"

"It's not worth it." Shi Ran replied hoarsely.Knowing that this may not be true, I still can't help but be tempted.

"I just asked myself, would I be happy without you for the rest of my life? Would I fall in love with another person? Would I just accept it like this? It seems that there is no way to accept it, and it seems that I can't imagine anything better than Love you more strongly than anyone."

Hearing what he said, Shi Ran couldn't hold on anymore, the corners of his mouth trembled slightly, and his eyes couldn't focus.He didn't even have the strength to pull out his hand, his eye sockets seemed to be burning, so he could only turn away and stare at a green leaf outside the window.

Pei Haojie looked at him and laughed: "Since the result can't be changed, I don't want to speculate and ferment those bad things like before."

"I don't know, I don't remember all of it." Shi Ran spoke in a low voice, and her voice changed uncontrollably.It had been a long time since he faced such powerful words, it seemed that overnight his hidden feelings for Pei Haojie turned into clouds coming from all directions, turned into a downpour and finally fell.His body was sore and limp, and he was almost unable to think. He couldn't restrain his strong urge to cry.

"It's okay." Pei Haojie said softly, "You will remember it slowly."

Shi Ran turned over to Pei Haojie, not wanting him to see his own clues again: "I'm suddenly a little sleepy...I want to sleep for a while."

Pei Haojie didn't stop him, but just raised the quilt for him: "Of course, I don't want to stare at those bad things anymore. I may have collapsed and suffered in the past two years, but those feelings are already very blurred. "

Shi Ran's shoulders trembled quietly, he buried his face in the gap between the pillow and the quilt, curled up his hands and feet, as if he was resisting something.And Pei Haojie bent down and kissed his ear, and that resistance was easily dispelled.

"I only know that you can wake up, it is the happiest thing in the past two years."

Since Shi Ran cooperated with the treatment, his body recovered quickly.

Every time she recovers, Pei Haojie will tease him cheaply, sometimes to make people happy, sometimes to make people angry, but as a result, Shi Ran is more motivated to run after him.

Although Shi Ran has never given up his doubts about the world, he also feels like an indestructible wall is being disintegrated bit by bit.Staying vigilant did not allow him to find too many clues, but instead discovered many details that he hadn't noticed before.Pei Haojie's scrambled eggs are delicious, the stewed beef is particularly fragrant, the shredded ginger is finely chopped, and the recipe for the dipping sauce is also good.If all this is false, why even the dishes he cooks are exactly the same as Pei Haojie in Shi Ran's impression.

Gradually, Shi Ran began to think of something.

He remembered that at first he couldn't bear the loneliness and Pei Haojie's going out early and returning late.At that time, they were all at the busiest stage of their careers. Looking at it now, they clearly knew that it was only a temporary period, so why couldn't they understand it at the time?Some sporadic scenes, the ups and downs of the two people's various emotions, all suddenly and inadvertently attacked him at a certain moment in the middle of the night.But the strength is so light, as light as suddenly remembering a forgotten hour, it is not worth mentioning, but it also causes turbulent waves.

Memories are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and butterflies come one after another.

Every time he thinks of something, no matter whether it's good or bad, Pei Haojie's face is full of surprises, hugging him, touching him, kissing him, giving him the most unreal feeling, smoothing those things that make him feel illusory.

Shi Ran became more and more uncertain.

The distant world before, about Tietou, about Li Qing'er, about Mr. Lin... It seems to have become distant and unbelievable, becoming blurred and washed into a very pale color.Instead, those memories have become illusory, dream-like memories.

One day at noon, Pei Haojie took a checkered mat, prepared food, fruit, and red wine, and drove him to the grassy slope by the lake for a picnic.

The breeze came slowly, the sun was luxuriant, and the green light reflected things in all directions.The smell of green grass flows on the water, sparkling.Pei Haojie spread a checkered cloth under the tree, and placed tuna sandwiches, egg salad, chocolate scones, plums, apples and cherries, and red wine on it in turn.Shi Ran was lying on his lap, the shadow of the tree fell on his face, the sunlight shone through the gaps in the leaves, and there was a cluster of yellow weed flowers on the trunk...

In such a drowsy warm smell, he suddenly opened his eyes and felt another memory being stuffed into his brain.

In that memory, Pei Haojie was lying sideways on the hospital bed, holding her extremely insecure self into her arms, holding a collection of poems in her hand, and was reading poems to him in a deep voice.The wind blows the light-colored gauze curtains, so the sunlight flows back and forth on the curtains in a curve.Pei Haojie occasionally lowered her head, tested the temperature of Shi Ran's forehead with her lips, and then continued to read poems.

Among the many memories, this is the only one that completely coincides with the memory of another distant world, exactly!

Shi Ran sat up in shock, and told Pei Haojie everything she remembered.

Pei Haojie was very happy, he hugged Shi Ran, put his chin on his shoulder, looked at the silver lake in the distance: "You asked me to read that poem three or four times, I still remember the second half. "

Shi Ran looked at him in a daze, and Pei Haojie hugged him from behind, leaned back against the tree trunk, and completely wrapped Shi Ran in his arms.He felt Shi Ran's back go from tense to relaxed, and finally he leaned on his chest completely dependently, and smiled lightly.

The deep voice came from his chest, pressed against Shi Ran's back, and reached the inside of his body.

"In the day white as a lamb

I have nothing to worry about

……

time gives me youth

give me death

Though in chains I am

Sing like the sea"*

When the wind came, Shi Ran looked at the undulating lawn like waves, and the emerald green spread endlessly.

At this moment, he finally accepted this place wholeheartedly.

This is the real world, Shi Ran thought firmly, this is where I live.

The author has something to say: *After the full text of "Fern Mountain", the story of this small novelette ends here. It is said to have an open ending, and I believe everyone understands it.What is the answer? In fact, it is no longer important here, because I want to hand over the right to choose. It is fluid, unstable, and an unopened magic box that hides cats.Thanks to the friends who have been following up and communicating with me, see you in the next story.