Pet me, are you addicted?

The more than 800 spectators in the audience are just spectators. The way they can participate in this game is to listen and applaud with their mouths closed.

But the head teacher said that everyone must be present.So, before going to the synagogue, I made a special trip to the library.

The library is located to one side of the science building.This science building is considered to be the most advanced building in No. [-] Middle School of the city.There are large trapezoidal classrooms and laboratories for physics, chemistry and biology.

The library has two floors. The first floor is the reading room, mainly magazines, periodicals and newspapers.The second floor is the lending room, where books of various categories are displayed on rows of bookshelves.

I love novels and science fiction books.I borrowed a set of "Ordinary World", a total of three.

When I watched the first part, I cried. I felt sad for the difficult years of that era, and at the same time, I was inspired and moved by the firm belief of the people of that era.

After watching the second part, I began to feel at a loss and was not moved by the story.I can only feel that the lines are full of praises for the new era.This is not the story I want to see, and it has nothing to do with the fantasy in my heart.

I have no desire to read the third part. I stared at the third part in a daze, not daring to turn to the first page.It seems that if you don't end it, the illusion in your heart will not be shattered.

Later, I borrowed some books about aliens.I looked at those exquisite and strange pictures and those unimaginable events carefully, as if I really believed that all of them were true.

Now, I have come to the library, I want to borrow a book and take it to the synagogue.I think, instead of listening to other people talk about meaningless dreams, it is better to hide in your own world and watch other people's golden years.

So, I found this book on the shelf of Japanese literature. The title of the book is "Confessions of a Mask", and the author is Yukio Mishima.I know this author, but this time I was completely attracted by the title, which I like.

Confession with a mask, I need a confession to tell my secret, even if others think it's false, it doesn't matter.

"Whoever has a disease in his body can't help but talk about it." There is such a sentence at the beginning of the book.After I read it, I sat in the last few rows of seats extremely impatiently.

I don't think there's anything artistic or functional about this speech in front of me.True speech should speak the truth, and I long to speak the truth, long to speak the truth, but I can't find a place to speak, no one to speak to.

The contestants on the stage spoke vigorously about their lofty ambitions, and the judges showed funny smiles, but they could write serious scores with the pens in their hands.

The more than 800 spectators in the audience sat quietly in their seats, dumbstruck.They didn't enter into the state of pretending to be encouraged, they were waiting for the players from their class to come on stage, and then gave them warm applause.

I was immersed in Yukio Mishima's confessions.I was stunned by this man's sharp words.

The "I" in the book is deeply infatuated with the man's body, which shocked me who has the same life experience.I still remember that in the biology class two years ago, a diagram of a male body in the textbook had already caused a strange reaction in me.

What's more, the few times I slept with someone of the same sex, it made me sleepless all night.Although the night of insomnia caused great sleepiness, I didn't feel miserable, and I thought it was a very beautiful experience.

Just like what I saw on the title page of "Confessions of a Mask" at this time, Dostoevsky wrote this feeling of beauty in the third chapter of "The Brothers Karamazov":

"Beauty is a very scary thing! It's scary because it can't be measured by rules. Because God has set up riddles for human beings. In the United States, the two sides meet, and all the contradictions coexist. I don't have much knowledge, but I have thought about this matter a lot. There are so many mysteries! On this earth, there are too many mysteries that plague the world. If you solve this mystery, it will be like getting out of water without getting wet Oh, beauty! What I cannot bear at all is that even human beings with beautiful hearts and good intellects often start with the ideal of the Virgin Mary and end up with the ideal of Sodom. No, and What is even more frightening is that people who have the ideal of Sodom in their hearts, but at the same time do not deny the ideal of the Virgin Mary, are just like innocent youth, burning with longing for the ideal of beauty in their hearts. No, in fact, the human heart Wide, even too wide. If possible, I would like to narrow it down. Oh! Damn, I don't know what the hell is going on, really! What is ugly with the eyes of the mind, with the emotions It's so beautiful to look at."

Just as I was about to enter that beautiful world, a shout brought me back to the scene of the speech contest.

"Ou Yue, hurry up to the stands, remember that male and female indistinguishable?" It was Tu Hao, that pesky guy again, who was sitting a few rows ahead.

"Different sex?" I repeated, and immediately shifted my gaze to the podium. It really was the dichotomy that day. He just stepped onto the podium and was approaching the microphone.

There was warm cheers from somewhere under the stage.The androgynous smile was the same as the one I saw that day.Then the man started his speech:

"Hello, everyone, my name is Li Xuan, and I'm from Class 3 ([-]) of Senior High School."

The indistinguishable voice made me fall into great doubts, because it was clearly a boy's voice.I glanced at Tu Hao in front of me, that annoying guy was staring at the stage dumbfounded, as if he was also stuck in doubt.

The voice on the stage continued:

"Today, I'm here to tell you one thing. The students may think that I'm a girl when they see me for the first time. But I want to solemnly tell you that I'm actually a boy."

At this point, any doubts were completely dispelled.Difficult to tell is a boy, Tu Hao and I guessed wrong.Tu Hao rushed to the side of my seat in desperation, with a look of dumbfounding.

He said with uncontrollable emotion:

"Ou Yue, Ou Yue, you have the nerve to say that you can tell at a glance that she is a girl. She is obviously a boy, I am so ridiculous, we all got it wrong."

I was in shock at the time, and I just felt that all this was too unrealistic, as if the boy was conjured from my subconscious.

I saw that Tu Hao was laughing out of tears, I didn't have the nerve to ignore him, so I pretended to laugh a couple of times, and then let Tu Hao chatter aside.

I have learned the lesson from last time and stopped bickering with Tu Hao.Instead, he seized the opportunity and seriously admired the beautiful boy on the stage.

I have been completely immersed in this indistinguishable perfect face. I have turned off my sense of hearing, my sense of smell, my sense of touch, and my sense of taste, leaving my vision alone.

look!The slender phoenix eyes, neither big nor small, are so elegant; the highly artistic nose, with perfect streamlines and no blemishes, starts to rise from the brow bone and the corner of the eyes; It looks playful.

How delicate these facial features are, they are only slightly beautiful to look feminine.But it adds a bit of beauty to me.

After visual enjoyment, I turned on my hearing.I had already been shaken by the confession at the beginning of the speech, and now came the end.

"Finally, I would like to sum up my dream, that is, I hope that everyone will not judge people by their appearance and their gender. I hope that people will not look at this society from the perspective of judging gender. Here, I hope that students can accept the appearance of my mask and accept My real gender, Li Xuan who accepts the mask but is real. Thank you everyone!"

After Li Xuan finished his speech, the audience unexpectedly burst into warm applause.

"Oh, this kid can really talk!" Tu Hao, who had returned to normal, came to such a conclusion.

I heard a different taste.I subconsciously feel that Li Xuan's ending reveals a hidden meaning, which is a secret confession of gender orientation.

I thought so.But as always, the more I subconsciously think this way, the less I believe it's true.But there is no doubt about it, I think I like Li Xuan, and I don't hate him at all.

In the next few days, I couldn't forget Li Xuan.Walking on campus during the day, I always looked around, as if Li Xuan would appear not far away.

Before going to sleep at night, Li Xuan's face will always appear in my mind, what a beautiful and gentle face it is.I even feel that Li Xuan has the same loneliness as myself.

Subconsciously, I unconsciously regarded Li Xuan as my own kind.However, Li Xuan has an extremely beautiful face.

"Beauty is a very terrible thing!" I finally know why Mishima quotes this sentence in the opening chapter of "Confessions of a Mask".

Mishima's description of Goethe's painting "Saint Sebastian" fully demonstrates the answer:

"The incomparably white naked body was placed in front of the twilight background, dazzling, and the strong arms, which were accustomed to bending bows and dancing swords as a big inner tiger, were lifted to an undue angle, so that the tied hands were just on top of the hair The upper part intersects, the face is slightly raised, and the eyes gazing at the glory of the sky are opened peacefully. What floats in the outstretched chest, tightened abdomen, and slightly twisted waist is not pain, but swaying some kind of pain. Musical melancholy pleasure."

"At the moment of seeing that painting, my whole being was shaken with some pagan delight. My blood boiled, my organs were filled with angry colors. The huge, nearly bursting toy of mine, like never before Eagerly anticipating my movements, berating my ignorance, and gasping angrily. My hands unknowingly began to move like no one had taught me. I could feel the dim, brilliant rush of something coming from within me. Signs of the upper body. And then suddenly it burst forth with a giddy drunk."

Now, when I read Mishima's words again, I will find that the inner worlds of myself and Mishima are so similar.As a result, those past years in memory came one after another.

The past is unbearable, but the pictures of those memories still came to my mind one by one, as if with some kind of premeditation and certain procedures.Memories, however, not only do not eliminate sorrow, but add to it.