Nancheng, nothing old.

In early summer, the surrounding air is already filled with heat.The wind is so strong that it often blows the poplar trees outside the window, and the branches shake wildly. Occasionally, it feels like the monster outside is at work again.In the afternoon, I always used to race against time during recess, sleep on the desk, and wake up sweaty and in a trance. On the afternoon of the 31st, when I was still in a daze, I received a letter from Lu Jiang.At that time, the shock brought by the Wenchuan Earthquake also calmed down a little. I learned from Lu Yiping that Lu Yian's volunteer life ended a few days ago.

However, she hasn't returned to County G yet, so I kind of want to see her.One early morning I dreamed of her. In a short sleep, I saw her wearing a white volunteer T-shirt, tight jeans, hair and neck, with a slight smile on her face, like a gentle and shy girl. As for "ForHer" sitting in Su Yan, the lights were still very dim, and I couldn't remember what I said. It was just a dream that she and I were laughing all the time.The alarm clock rang suddenly and woke me up. I sat on the bed without moving for a long time, my soul seemed to be still in a dream, and the feeling of inner happiness was still unfinished.

I thought, if I could dream of her often.

But only that one time.I haven't contacted Lu Yi'an, and every time I want to send her a message or make a phone call, it is very difficult to say a word.Every time I always think, how should I start, what is more normal to say to her, or ask her what she needs to do to get into Beijing Normal University?However, every time I think too much and take too long, I give up again.In this kind of love, taking the first step is always difficult.I only know from Lu Jiang that she is still in Chengdu.Lu Jiang seldom mentioned her, and they seldom called me after they returned to Chengdu.Only on the afternoon of the 31st, I received a letter from her. The unsigned letter was given to me by Li Sumian.

I didn't know it was her letter until I opened it, but the handwriting was somewhat familiar.I was surprised to receive her letter. In this era, it takes several days to send a letter from Chengdu. I don't know why she chose to write instead of calling.

I think it is probably because life is so tiring that people lose the strength to speak.

"Life has become a mess because of one person. This is what we often complain about. We have used ugly words to argue with her, and we have never shown her face in front of others. Looking at her eyes There is often no tenderness towards others, but there is never a second that I want her to leave my world. But one day, maybe at night or early in the morning, it is suddenly quiet like this, and the days that belong to me are still peaceful Now, the same as before, as quiet as the wind of this world never blows, as quiet as I think of her is just one dream after another. When I wake up, she is always away, and my life is still the same. It was the same as before, there were many things to do every day, but the heartache was so painful that I couldn't stop the pain every second, and I used my hands to cover my heart, and I couldn't do anything, just like Pu Luo. Metheus like. The pain circulates through my body whenever I think about her. Everyone tells me there are always people who come and go in our world and they think she's just me My friend, but no one understands that she is my 17-year-old lover. It would be too cruel for her to come and leave. I still remember that when she came in, she didn’t say much, she just sat next to me and giggled. The little hand handed me the lollipop. She grinned and showed her not-white front teeth. She was wearing a ponytail and a pink skirt. This scene is recurring in my mind now, and I only remember the one I first met. Little girl. I think of a lot of things in the past recently, but I can’t remember what her face looks like. The more I try to remember, the more I can’t remember anything. Looking at her photos, I feel blurry Yes. I'm afraid I'll suddenly forget her."

I copied her letter and these words directly from the letter, "My heart aches so hard that I can't stop it."That's probably the only one I can remember.There is no signature at the end of the letter, but from the beginning of this letter I am sure it is hers.Li Sumian looked at the letter from the side, and asked, "This is your pen pal, the writing is sour."

I didn't answer directly, and covered the letter with a book.I asked her: "Li Sumian, what would you do if Zhao Yi left you?"

"Leave as soon as you leave, life is not as hypocritical as in novels. If it is not suitable, there will always be separation."

Li Sumian had a nonchalant expression on his face.

"I mean if Zhao Yi dies, you'll never see him again. Will you forget him?"

Li Sumian stood up and said, "Bah, bah, don't talk nonsense."

I consciously said something wrong, apologized to her, put the letter away, and never spoke to her again.But she suddenly asked me: "Is it the letter written by Lu Jiang? Are you in contact?"

I didn't answer her, and I didn't ask her how she knew it in surprise, which was my default.She started talking to herself.Sitting peacefully in the seat, she didn't turn her head to face me.

"I know about Wang Xiaoyu."

"Su Mian." I wanted to know about Lu Jiang's pain, but Li Su Mian couldn't give me the answer.I imagined what would happen if I never saw Lu Yian again, but without what if, I couldn't imagine like this.If I never got Lu Yian, I would never lose anything.If Fu Lu Yian disappeared from this world, there are more people suffering than me, such as Chen Qinghan, Lu Yiping, Uncle Lu and Aunt Li.I won't be in too much pain.

Li Sumian said: "Jiang Ming, we won't understand. If Zhao Yi is gone, I should feel more the fear of facing death. After all, we are still so young. And Lu Jiang, I heard that she and Wang Xiaoyu knew each other. For many years, she is considered a childhood sweetheart, and she transferred from Chengdu because of her. Even if I can’t understand their love, I can only think of a friend who has been with me for more than ten years leaving suddenly, and I feel very sad.”

There is no empathy in this world at all. If things don't happen to us, we will never understand the despair of the person involved.

Li Sumian comforted me, she was a little older than me, so she really comforted me like a sister, as if I was the one who was hurt.I usually read a lot of books and listen to a lot of stories, but when I really encounter something, my life is still blank and frightening.Li Sumian is only a little older than me. She always thinks that I am a very innocent child who has never been in love. I have always understood the truth of what she said, but I still thank her. Mention Lu Jiang's past.

I think of what Lu Yian said: "Only one person is not enough. It's not that we are greedy, it's just that only one person is not enough. We can't have only one person in our life. The human heart is too fragile to bear such a danger."

I wrote a reply to Lu Jiang during my late self-study, and it was well-behaved, and I didn't say anything to comfort her.My consolation can only be the evidence of each other's helplessness, and she just wants to express the depression in her heart.For a long time, we didn't call each other, but we gradually developed the habit of sending letters. The time is very slow, the letters are long, and there is no need to miss them all the time.

In June, Lu Yi'an came back from Chengdu, less than two months after she left.I heard the news from Zhang He. She came here specially to tell me that she was at the door when get out of class was over.

She said: "Do you know that Yi'an is back?" I don't know why she specially told me this news, she should know that Lu Yi'an and I are not as good as Li Sumian thought, but I think no one should know about me except me. I have such thoughts about Lu Yi'an in my heart.

She put her hands in her trouser pockets and looked at me: "Recently, she is very annoyed by Lu Jiang."

"So?" I didn't understand Zhang He's real intention.I looked up at her, and found that her brows were tightly frowned, and she hesitated to speak.

She suddenly leaned over her head and asked me in a low voice: "Jiang Ming, do you like Lu Jiang?"

I was startled, my face turned red instantly, and I clenched my fists against the wall behind me, turning my head slightly to calm myself down quickly.I don't think there's anything gay about me, unless she's gay too, which seems unlikely.After the heat on my face dissipated, I pretended to ask her casually: "Mr. Zhang, it is said that homosexuals always think that the world is one. I don't think I am gay. Lu Jiang is my good friend. I only care about her recently. she."

Zhang He looked at me intently, his eyes seemed to say that I was trying to cover up.She took her hand out of her trouser pocket and patted my shoulder heavily.She didn't answer my question directly, but just said, "Wait for me at night, I'm going to settle down." Then she strode away, her body straight and straight, her loose long hair fluttering left and right with her walking movements, I think This person should be very chic, probably all of Lu Yian's friends are so casual.Thinking of meeting Lu Yi'an, a smile overflowed from the corner of my lips, and I couldn't hide it.In Li Sumian's words, it's probably because of the lingering spring, which is too obvious.

But no one wants to steal the secret from me.

When I finished self-study in the evening, Zhang He was indeed waiting for me.She rides a lamb and I ride a bicycle.He didn't say anything along the way.She drove slowly parallel to me on purpose.After traveling for 15 minutes in the cool breeze of summer night and dim street lights, it was the first time I saw Lu Yian this summer, at her home, in her small bedroom.Aunt Li and Uncle Lu had already fallen asleep, and Lu Yiping was still playing his games. Everyone knew each other so well that they only needed a smile and no hospitality.I was behind Zhang He, and she knocked on the door. She knocked softly and called "Su Yan" softly.It was Su Yan who opened the door, and I didn't know she was there.I entered Lu Yian's small bedroom again. She was lying on the bed with her legs crossed and her hands on her head, her eyes closed as if she was taking a nap.She was wearing a men's solid-color vest and beach shorts, but her room was not hot, and the nights in early summer in the south were still cool, not to mention the windows of her room were wide open.

After Su Yan opened the door, she lay on the other side of the bed, and Zhang He sat on the swivel recliner in front of her bed.I stood by, and there was another chair in the room where her desk was.That was the place where I often saw Lu Yian sitting. I thought about it for a while, and stood next to Zhang He without moving the chair.

Lu Yian's face looked haggard, and she was still frowning when she closed her eyes.My eyes looked around, only daring to look at her vaguely.I want to lock my eyes on her facial features, I want to look at her until every second in my world is still, but I dare not.

I looked at her bookshelf for a while, Zhang He's hair for a while, the pattern on Su Yan's jeans for a while, and her for a while.

She said that when she spoke suddenly, her voice was tired and helpless.She called me, she called me affectionately, just like before, her voice was still soft and gentle.

"Jiang Ming, have you talked to Lu Jiang on the phone recently?"

At that time, my eyes just moved to "Dust Settled" on her bookshelf.Hearing her voice, I turned my head to look at her quickly, and her eyes were also looking at me, soft as a person who has been ill for a long time.

"She hasn't called me for a while, let's write."

"What's wrong with Lu Jiang?" Zhang He asked her, but she gave me a deep look, the soft and sad eyes made me tremble.

"I took her to Wenchuan to be a volunteer. I wanted her to see other hope, but she committed suicide by cutting her wrist on the fifth day there. She cut her wrist with broken tiles on the ground. Several messy wounds on her wrist It’s not too deep, but fortunately the tiles are not sharp, so the cut was not deep, but in the end the wound was infected by bacteria and had a high fever.”

"What? This silly girl!" Su Yan sat up from the bed, feeling quite startled from a dying illness.But I was not attracted by her movements, my heart was completely silent in Lu Jiang's thin figure.She is very thin. I have seen her wrist before, and it is also very thin. The blood vessels are almost invisible. How can she bear the pain?I imagined her numb expression, the repeated movements of cutting her wrists and her bleeding hand, and felt that I was also in shocking pain, as if I was about to be devastated.

How dare Lu Jiang!In this society, many people commit suicide, and many people attempt suicide, because they can't be ruthless if they don't die after the first time.

What kind of despair was this, which made her soul and heart die.

How dare Lu Jiang?Just for another person in this world.

"Does she really love her that much?" I asked.Ask someone in this room who probably knows more about love than I do.I had to hold the chair Zhang He was sitting on to calm myself down.

"Who knows?" Lu Yian answered me.She was still lying on the bed, and the sadness on her face was getting worse. "Jiang Ming, do you still remember that I told you that only one person in our life is not enough, because that person will always leave you for various reasons, leave you alive or die."

"She and she are childhood sweethearts through and through. They were born in the same hospital, lived only a hundred steps apart, in the same kindergarten and the same elementary school, and were inseparable until 17 years old. She told me that they never spoke of love. , we got together naturally. Except for her, she didn't even want to talk to anyone, but Wang Xiaoyu has many friends. Between them, there is a quiet, a beautiful scenery, she seems to have followed her shadow for 17 years. I remember On the first day I went to see her after the earthquake, she hugged me and cried, saying that she could no longer see the colors of this world. I was very scared, so I took her to the disaster area, and took her to the place where Wang Xiaoyu disappeared. I told She is living for Wang Xiaoyu. I was very happy in those few days. She gradually began to smile when she was helping others, until noon that day she took the letter she left for her from Wang Xiaoyu's teammate. I remember, The moment she received the letter, she burst into tears with excitement. She locked herself in the room, trying to read the last letter from her lover. But when I saw her again that afternoon, she had covered herself with broken porcelain pieces from the ruins. Make it look bad."

"What was written in the letter?" Zhang He asked me first.

"That was Wang Xiaoyu's breakup letter. She confessed to her that she had fallen in love with a boy from the cycling club a year ago, and that boy was the one who gave it to Lu Jiangxin. She said that she loved her just like loving a family, but she will also fall in love with others, she is not a homosexual, and cannot love Lu Jiang like Lu Jiang loves her. Her letter is so cruel, what is handed to Lu Jiang is not a letter, but a bunch of The fire from hell has burned the last drop of water in her heart."

Therefore, Lu Jiang's soul dried up, and he dared to face death.

Zhang He and Su Yan didn't say a word, one shook his head while the other sighed.Lu Yian looked at me, the whole room was filled with sadness, and the sadness was injected into my body through Lu Yian's eyes.

At that time, it was the first time I understood that love can make people despair, so if you fall in love with someone, she may make you fall into despair.

At night, Lu Yian and I sent off Zhang He and Su Yan.Zhang He was carrying Su Yan on her little sheep, and the man behind was resting his head on the shoulder of the man in front, holding his hands tightly.We didn't say goodbye, everyone was very silent.

I followed Lu Yian and walked through the narrow corridor.She didn't tell me to go home and sleep, so I naturally followed her and stopped at the stairs on the third floor.There was no light, so she turned off her usual small flashlight, and my arm was next to her shoulder in the pitch black.

She said: "Senior sister said you like Lu Jiang, is it true?" Her voice was fleeting, scattered in the windless corridor.

They all thought I liked Lu Jiang, which was inexplicable.They didn't ask me if I liked a guy at school, they asked me "Are you gay?"

But I am not.

I took Lu Yian's hand and stood face to face with her, but the corridor was very dark, even if I went closer, I couldn't see her eyes clearly, let alone her eyes.I held her hand tightly, holding it in the palm of my hand.For the first time, I became so bold.But she seems to be more than me

Bolder, not holding back at all.On early summer nights, my fingers are cold, but hers are warm.

I said: "I'm not gay, I only like Lu Jiang." I only like Lu Yian.

Then I let go of her hand and asked the same question I had asked her a long time ago. "And you?"

"I'm gay, but I only like Chen Qinghan."

She only likes Chen Qinghan, and I only like Lu Jiang.When I heard her say this, my heart was really a little sour, but it seemed to be true, and the small stone in my heart fell steadily.It is true, as I have always known it to be.

Later, it seemed more natural for me to get along with Lu Yian. She called Chen Qinghan unscrupulously in front of me, and when she talked to her, she would act like a baby.That Xiaojiazi was so angry that no one would have guessed that there was a beautiful girl on the phone.Sometimes I watch her on the phone, and if I stare at her for a little longer, she will blush.

It turned out that after knowing that I like girls, did she become more girly?

The author has something to say: change the name back, let’s just call it Yi’an, and it’s sad that no one will read it, but no matter what, you must insist on finishing the writing, so that you can have a new start.