South of Chutian

This was the first time Tang Heng heard those three words from his mouth - forget me.

It's not "it's over", it's not "you go away", it's - forget me.He knows that this is just a rhetoric, the purpose is probably to let him let go of all the entanglements in the past—forget about you?Tang Heng raised his head in a daze, and looked into Li Yuechi's eyes: "I almost, really can forget you."

Li Yuechi said, "That's good."

"No...not good," Tang Heng coughed hard twice, feeling a pincer sticking into his throat, tearing out his voice inch by inch, "I said 'forget you', yes, the literal meaning of 'forget'."

Li Yuechi was stunned for a moment, his expression changed slightly.

"That's right, I can't remember you, you know?" Tang Heng stared down at his pale fingertips, "One day I fell asleep and woke up without remembering you. I don't remember that I can play the guitar either , because there are no calluses on my fingers, I can't tell which school I went to as an undergraduate, and I can't tell where my home is... Li Yuechi, I almost forgot your name."

Li Yuechi pressed Tang Heng's shoulders hard, his expression became horrifying: "What's going on?!"

"They said it was a disease," Tang Heng recalled the scene in a trance, "but I disagree."

The blond doctor said it was a disease.Tang Heng could no longer remember the other party's gender, and only a dazzling golden color remained in his memory.In the quiet consulting room, he avoided the other person's eyes, stared at the golden touch and said, "I don't believe it."

He didn't believe it was a disease.More specifically, BPD.

BorderlinePersonalityDisorder, Wikipedia translates it into borderline personality disorder.

Tang, you need to take medicine.

— Can taking medicine cure the disease?

I hope so.

——If the illness is cured, I won’t miss him anymore?

You won't be in pain.

—but I am suffering not because I am sick.

Because of what?

--because of him.

He refused to take medicine, started to smoke wildly when he couldn't concentrate, and bought a small knife in Yachao—a pocket knife for peeling fruit, with a silver blade and an unattractive appearance.He clearly remembered the feeling of touch, probably the manufacturer didn't consider the use other than peeling, so the tip of the knife is very blunt and thick, when piercing the palm of the hand, there is a cold and hard pain, slow and delicate.He drew a wound along the lines of his palm, blood gurgling down.A long time later, he accompanied Fu Liling on a trip to Putuo Mountain. An old fortune-teller at a roadside stall stopped him, held his palm in his hand, and sighed: "The lifeline is neat and clear. At least you can live to be healthy until you are 80 years old." He smiled. , handed the other party 200 yuan: "I will lend you a good word."

It was the mark left by him with that knife in many late nights.lifeline?At that time, he just wanted to die quickly.

"Tang Heng!" Li Yuechi clasped his shoulders with such force that he frowned, "What disease are you talking about?!"

"It's just a kind of..." How to describe it?Long-term depression, self-harm, inability to control emotions, and even suicidal impulses?No, none of this is the scariest, "a disease that makes me lose my memory."

Until one evening when he opened his eyes blankly, he felt his head was numb and couldn't remember anything.

He knew he had forgotten something very important, but he just couldn't remember - literally.

He started taking medicine.

White pills, swallowed down the throat one by one, without even needing water.Some are bitter, some are tasteless, and some are even slightly sweet.

He bought a thick calendar, put it in the most eye-catching position on the desk, and pasted a bright yellow post-it note beside it, with only one word on it: Tear

He reminds himself to tear up a calendar every day to emphasize the current date.Not that year, not that day, but now, London time.

Tang Heng said: "But don't worry, I took medicine at that time, and it's much better."

Li Yuechi said in horror: "What's wrong with you!"

Tang Heng didn't answer, but said to himself, "Because I don't want to forget you."

He would rather hate him when he was sober and love him when he was ill than forget him one day.

Li Yuechi no longer had a half-cold look on his face, he looked straight into Tang Heng's eyes, and hurriedly called: "Tang Heng?!"

Tang Heng shook his head: "You...you let me stay by myself for a while."

"no--"

"I won't do anything," Tang Heng squeezed out a smile, "Really, don't be afraid."

Only Tang Heng was left in the room.

He sat on the edge of the single bed, clutching the soft quilt with both hands——due to excessive force, there were twisted blue veins on his arms.He and Li Yuechi have been separated for six years, and he has fought against that disease for six years. He thinks he is experienced and indomitable.

At the worst, his body completely collapsed, his mind became confused repeatedly, and even eating became a problem. In many, many dusks, he grabbed the receiver with his bony hands and kept dialing Li Yuechi's number.

Waiting for him is always to turn off the phone, as if electromagnetic waves are transmitted to the land of no one. In a trance, he feels that he has glimpsed the shadow of death, which is as bright as lakes and mountains, flashing across the ceiling.

Later, he began to take the medicine slowly and treated slowly. The time was long enough and the dose of medicine was large enough, and his condition gradually improved.In the last year of his Ph.D., he stopped taking medicine after the doctor's diagnosis.

Then when I arrived in Macau, I still felt depressed from time to time, but it was not as embarrassing as before.When he was in a bad mood, he would smoke a couple of cigarettes, or go swimming in the school gymnasium.He thinks he has regained control over his emotions. If he doesn't allow himself to go crazy, he won't go crazy, and if he doesn't allow himself to collapse, he won't collapse.

So the current situation caught him off guard. There was neither medicine nor a knife. He took a deep breath and looked down at his chest rising and then collapsing. He hoped to slowly expel that familiar sense of loss of control from his body— — but it seems that it doesn't work.

From the night he arrived in Guizhou, everything was out of control.

Tang Heng slumped his shoulders, and gave up after a while.

At least now he will not forget Li Yuechi.

Both his arms were shaking, his heart was beating fast, and he thought it would be a good cry, but he couldn't.Li Yuechi's voice was repeated in his mind - what do you think I should tell you.That's all.They are ugly.forget me.

He thought he finally understood why Li Yuechi had never contacted him in the past six years, it wasn't impossible, it was just that he gave up.When he was in the worst condition, he asked the void over and over again: Why did you lie to me?Why abandon me?Why do I lose everything and still not get your love?That kind of pain is more painful than cutting the palm - countless times.He knew that Li Yuechi must have endured more intense pain than this kind of pain, and he is still suffering now - it turned out that Li Yuechi loved him, but gave up.

How can you love someone and give up all the possibilities of being together.

Do you think about him every day? In the long years of not being able to see each other, every day is a short memory.Time is divided into two kinds, one is the time together, and the other is the rest of this life, and you know that the time together is over, the rest of your life is like a handful of gray sand, you get through a day, but There is no difference between throwing away a grain of sand and picking up a grain of sand in the face of the day to come.

Do you feel the same way?Li Yuechi.

Tang Heng fell on the bed, feeling that his flesh and blood had been emptied out. His body was empty, with a broken skin. After six years of bluffing, it was still pierced, pierced, and his body collapsed. .

After a few seconds of trance, he saw a carefree figure appearing beside the bed.

Tang Heng blinked hard, and asked hoarsely, "Are you real?"

"It's true," said the figure.

Tang Heng said, "I don't believe it."

He leaned over and took Tang Heng's hand, grabbed his hand and touched his face, from the sweaty temple hair, to the red corners of the eyes, to the messy stubble, to a line of hot tears - from the summer of 2012 to 2018 year spring.He bit Tang Heng's wet fingertips and exerted force. Tang Heng said, "It hurts."

"Do you believe it?"

"..."

"Still don't believe it?"

"Every time I think you are real, I close my eyes and open them again, and you disappear again."

Li Yuechi said: "Not this time."

Tang Heng said, "But I dare not try."

Li Yuechi said, "Why?"

Tang Heng said: "This time it's too real, I can't bear it."

Li Yuechi looked at him with red eyes, and for a moment, he said, "Let's do it."