Zhu Mu Lang Ma

It has been more than half a month since the beginning of autumn, but it is only today that I feel the feeling of autumn.

Zhang Qingkai stood in front of the window with a cigarette in his mouth.

It's raining.

He opened the window and took a puff of smoke outside. The white smoke dissipated slowly in the thin raindrops, leaving no trace.

When it rains in autumn, it will be cold.

Zhang Qingkai closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and the coolness seeped into his body little by little.

"Have you noticed that spring rain is different from autumn rain?" Xia Fei stood in the rain, facing the raindrops with his face up. "Spring rain is warm, while autumn rain is cold."

"It's quite cold." Zhang Qingkai shrank his neck.

Xia Fei is not a sentimental person, but sometimes he becomes very sensitive suddenly.

He is especially sensitive to rain.

Qiu Yu was very lonely, he often said that, when the raindrops hit the old blue tile roof, there was a clear and delicate sound, Xia Fei would say, listen, it seems to be crying, it has been crying to the heart.

Zhang Qingkai didn't feel awkward listening to such pretentious and melancholy words, because Xia Fei said them, Xia Fei was always smiling, not melancholy at all, and he was still smiling when he said such words.

Then he would cover his chest and frown and say, "My heart is crying, go buy me something to eat and make it laugh."

Zhang Qingkai leaned against the window, with a smile on the corner of his mouth, took the ashtray on the table, and extinguished the cigarette.

There was a photo on the table, which was well preserved, showing Xia Fei and Zhang Qingkai in school uniforms.

Zhang Qingkai lay down on the table, and gently touched Xia Fei's smiling face with his fingers.

It was junior high, and the school uniform was silly, blue tracksuits.At that time, he was not as tall as Xia Fei.

He and Xia Fei have a lot of photos. They would take photos during spring outings and autumn outings. The first camera the family bought for him was a 135 Seagull. The first thing he got was to go to Xia Fei and take pictures. A roll of negatives.

But his favorite is still this one.

Because they didn't understand anything at that time, there was no depression, no depression, no fear of the future, and their smiles were simple and pure.

While staring at the photos, the phone rang, and he answered the phone lazily after a few rings.

The call was made by an employee in the store, who simply reported the situation in the store and then hung up.

Zhang Qingkai opened a bookstore, and the business was neither bad nor bad.

This is Xia Fei's dream. To open a bookstore, he doesn't care how much he sells every day, as long as he has books to read.

Will you read the book?Zhang Qingkai looked at the photos on the table. There is a small corridor outside the book bar, where you can get some sunshine in the afternoon. If you came, would you sit there?

It was raining all the time, and it stopped slowly in the afternoon.

Zhang Qingkai went to the snack bar downstairs to buy some dumplings, ate them, and walked out of the community.

The ground was wet, and the fallen leaves were wet and lying on the ground, like golden little flowers, covering the whole road.

The back door of the complex is a small street with flower shops on both sides. Zhang Qingkai always comes out from this side and turns into the fourth small flower shop.

"Mr. Zhang is here," a little girl in the store greeted him with a smile, "Wait a minute, I'll bring you flowers, they've already been wrapped."

"En." Zhang Qingkai nodded, standing at the door, watching the pedestrians coming and going on the street.

Xia Fei likes to sit by the window and quietly watch people, neighbors, passers-by, and can watch them all day long.

"Have you ever thought about other people's lives? Those people, the people we see, the people passing by, what is their life like?" Xia Fei once said to him very seriously, "We see a lot of people every day. People, but never thought about what kind of people they are, what kind of life they lead, is there anyone like us? It's like no one else knows how we live..."

Zhang Qingkai used to think that Xia Fei liked to think about things, and he would be like this when he was bored at home and read too much.

But now I can't help but have the same thoughts as Xia Fei.

Those pedestrians walking around, what are they thinking, what are they doing, are they happy, sad, looking forward, or can't see the future...

Just like no one would know what kind of mood I was standing in front of the roadside flower shop, holding a bouquet of roses every day.

"Mr. Zhang, your flowers," the little girl handed him the roses and said with a smile, "I wish you happiness."

"Thank you." Zhang Qingkai took the flowers and left the flower shop.

I have been buying flowers at this florist for five years, since he moved here.

He buys a bouquet of 11 roses every day, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at noon, sometimes at dusk, for 14 years, sooner or later, but it has not changed every day.

I wish you happiness.

The little girl never asked him why he bought flowers every day, but she would say this seriously every time she handed him flowers.

I wish you happiness.

Zhang Qingkai has been buying flowers here because of her words.

I wish you happiness.

Whatever the reason, he wanted to hear someone say that to him, hoping someone would bless them.

I wish you happiness.

Yes, wish us happiness.

The cemetery is usually very quiet, especially in the rainy autumn, a sunny afternoon.

The gatekeeper is very familiar with Zhang Qingkai. He has guarded here for seven or eight years, and every day he can see this lonely man with a bouquet of roses in his hand.

He went to see the tombstone, he was also a man, his smile was fixed in the summer more than ten years ago.

Occupational reasons make him never explore those who come here, no matter how many secrets there are, it is not easy to be able to be like this man for so many years without hindrance.

"Here we come." Sitting in the guard room, the uncle nodded to Zhang Qingkai as a greeting.

"En." Zhang Qingkai smiled and nodded.

"Come to me for some tea when you come out later," the uncle pointed to the kettle on the stove, "I made some good tea."

"Row."

The cemetery was very quiet. Zhang Qingkai walked along the path, only hearing his own footsteps.

He breathed lightly, and sometimes he would have an uncontrollable expectation in his heart, looking forward to the sound of another person's footsteps following him when his own lonely footsteps sounded.

Xia Fei walks very lazily, and there will be a sound of dragging heels in his footsteps. The heels are the first to wear out on his shoes.

But he never heard it, even if he breathed lightly, Zhang Qingkai never heard Xia Fei's footsteps again, the kind of lazy steps that passed through his heart never appeared again.

The front of Xia Fei's tombstone has been cleaned up, Zhang Qingkai walked over and put the rose on the small platform.

"Did you feel it?" He squatted down, sat on the watery ground, and wiped the photo on the monument, "It's raining, the first autumn rain this year, and it's getting cold."

"I listened to the sound of rain again today," Zhang Qingkai slowly arranged the transparent plastic wrapping the roses, "it doesn't sound like crying."

After being silent for a while, he smiled again: "Sometimes it sounds like it, but today it's not. Maybe today I don't think you think too much. When you think too hard, I feel like crying when I hear the sound of water from the nozzle."

Zhang Qingkai closed his eyes, imagining Xia Fei sitting in front of him, or beside him, or behind him, even though he couldn't feel any warmth, he still closed his eyes persistently.

"You know, I haven't dreamed about you in this period of time," he said softly, "I don't know if it's because I'm too busy or tired. When I fall asleep, it will be dawn. Maybe I won't remember it even if I dream about it."

Xia Fei in the dream is always the same as in the last summer, sitting on the bed against the wall, swinging his legs leisurely.

"Zhang Qingkai, tell me a joke." Xia Fei squinted at him.

"...Let me think about it," Zhang Qingkai thought seriously for a long time, "The two idiots in our factory went to see the cherry blossoms last year, entered the cherry garden, took pictures of the trees at the door, and said that I depend on the cherry blossoms while taking pictures. It's really beautiful, it's really beautiful, little Japan is blessed, the streets are full of such beautiful flowers..."

Xia Fei smiled and took a sip of water.

"After filming for a long time, a fool saw a small sign poked on the tree, so he went over and read it aloud excitedly." Zhang Qingkai waved his hand in the air, "Xifu Begonia!"

Xia Fei held the cup and laughed for a long time before stopping: "I don't know if I'm going to go, I haven't seen it."

"When you get better, I'll take you there with me. Let's not see the cherry blossoms, but just the Xifu Begonias." Zhang Qingkai patted his leg.

"Okay." Xia Fei smiled and nodded.

Zhang Qingkai opened his eyes, a gust of autumn wind blew by, and he felt a little chilly.

"We didn't go to see Xifu Begonia together in the end." He smiled, stroking Xia Fei's smile with his finger, "I never dared to go to the cherry blossom garden, I was afraid that you would be angry if I didn't take you there. "

Zhang Qingkai, get down on your knees and knock your head three times for me. If you want to make a loud noise, I will spare you if my heart hurts.

Xia Fei would say that every time he was unhappy.

"You said, I want to kowtow to you three times now, will you come out and spare me?" Zhang Qingkai grabbed a rose petal and held it in his hand.

"Fly," he looked at the petals, "You know, I'm not afraid to miss you, it doesn't matter how much I think about you, it's okay if I can't sleep all night, I'm just afraid... I'm afraid that one day I won't miss you. "

Time slips by day by day, from my heart, from my side, from each spring, summer, autumn and winter, from every miss, from every sleepless night.

Heart palpitations.

"Sometimes someone would persuade me. It's been so many years. My mother called me last month," Zhang Qingkai said softly, "It's time for you to let go."

He sighed: "I don't know why I want to let go. What's the difference between letting go and being unable to let go? In fact, I'm afraid of 'letting go'. Really, you must understand. If it was you, you would be the same Will let it go, right?"

Let go, can't let go.

Zhang Qingkai thought about this question a lot. He promised Xia Fei that he would never forget him in this life, but what made him unable to let go and was unwilling to let go was his dependence on this feeling.

Missing is already a habit and part of his life.

If you lose this heart-wrenching longing, you may become an empty shell.

"They won't understand." He looked at Xia Fei's smile, "For me, it is such a happy thing to have someone who can think about me for the rest of my life. Every day, every minute, every second, thinking of you makes me feel Evidence that I'm still alive..."

Let it go, why, if you can't let it go, what will happen?

For Zhang Qingkai, there is not much difference between the two.

After Xia Fei left, he hasn't been home for several years. Up to now, the relationship with the family has eased. The family no longer mentions Xia Fei, and even implicitly expressed that if he is willing to start over with another person, no matter what. Men and women, the family will not object.

But... there is no need.

He doesn't need another one, other than Xia Fei's, he doesn't need it.

In his world, there are only Zhang Qingkai and Xia Fei, and this world is already unbreakable.

This world is very big, it can accommodate the whole life of him and Xia Fei, but this world is also very small, it cannot accommodate another person.

It's not that he's missing it alone, it's not that he's still in love persistently, it's two people.

It is the love between him and Xia Fei, forever and ever.

"Did you read the letter I sent you yesterday?" Zhang Qingkai put the petals he had been pinching in front of the monument, "Let me tell you, I really want to write poems, but except for the bright moonlight in front of my bed, I can't write a single sentence." ..."

After speaking, he laughed for a long time: "Hey, really, you go to my bookstore to have a look, there are quite a few collections of poetry, but I remember you don't like to read them, did you say sour? You said I want sour If you give me a hand, will you scold me?"

"Have you ever been to a bookstore? Actually, it's not far from here." Zhang Qingkai moved and changed his position, his trousers were soaked in the rain, "Don't think I'm peeing for a while...the one outside the bookstore I took a lot of effort to design the small corridor. When I was drawing the blueprints, I was always worried that you would not be satisfied. You didn’t say whether it would work or not when it was finished, but it felt okay. I sometimes basked in the sun there in the afternoon. It's a nice nap."

"Let's take a picture tomorrow for you to see," he thought for a while, "Someone will take a picture of me basking in the sun for you to see, if you like it, come and stay with me for a while, okay?"

Zhang Qingkai didn't know if Xia Fei would respond to him. In the early years, he strongly wanted to feel Xia Fei's existence, and hoped that those legends of souls were true more than anyone else.

Now I don't think so much anymore, Xia Fei is gone, gone, and will never come back again, the only connection he has with the world is this monument, and the connection with himself is only those memories and the feelings that are still raging in his heart.

Nothing else, nothing, nothing.

It is impossible for him to see Xia Fei smiling standing in front of him again, it is impossible for him to touch Xia Fei's thin shoulders again, it is impossible for him to hear him say Zhang Qingkai, come and serve me...

But it doesn't matter, there is no need for these anymore, Zhang Qingkai lowered his head and looked at the stagnant water in the small beach on the ground, he will no longer hopelessly force these imaginations that will never come true again.

Loved, loved, so painful, so deep.

enough.

"Zhang Qingkai, I'm telling you, hypocrisy is not suitable for your look, you know?" Xia Fei stood by the window and said, making a frame with his fingers, and looked at him from there, "You are as rough as a concrete floor." The same man, once hypocritical, the lethality is too strong, my goose bumps have turned into egg bumps, and it makes a bang bang when it falls on the ground, listen up."

Zhang Qingkai burst into the ground and laughed for a long time.

"I'm hypocritical again, but not often, once in a while," he said with a smile as he looked at the photo on the stele, "I'm usually quite normal, really."

Zhang Qingkai changed his posture, leaned his back against the stele, and leaned his head back. He didn't speak anymore, and there was silence all around him. He sat quietly, just like sitting with Xia Fei countless times before. He didn't speak, he didn't need to Talking is already a kind of enjoyment.

Blue smoke rose from the slope opposite the lake, probably because someone was burning paper. Zhang Qingkai was fascinated by the bursts of smoke blowing away in the autumn wind.

On the day Xia Fei was sent here, he quietly followed and watched from a distance.

That was a scene he would never forget in his life. The person he loved the most fell asleep here like that, and would never wake up again. It became a scar engraved in his heart, a scar that would never heal.

The autumn rain that had stopped for a long time began to fall again, pattering, cold raindrops fell on Zhang Qingkai's hands and face, and he sighed softly.

"I'm going back. I'm going to drink some tea with the uncle at the door. I'll see you tomorrow." Zhang Qingkai stood up, touched the photo with his fingers, bent down to put the flowers in the right place, and walked slowly along the road.

Dear Xia Fei:

Hello there.

Isn't it a bit silly to write like this, it's too serious.

Let's change it, baby Xia Fei, let's kiss one first.

I went to the supermarket today and it was discounted for the National Day. It was like no money. It was crowded with people. I ran out of washing powder, otherwise I would be too lazy to squeeze in at this time.

However, there is a small vase on sale that is very beautiful, so I bought it without holding back.I didn't know what to use after I bought it, so I bought two calla lilies and put them in, they were pretty nice.

I'll buy one for you next time, so you don't have to use a beer bottle to arrange flowers.

By the way, I weighed myself after I came back from you yesterday, and I gained two catties, probably because of the autumn fat stickers. I always eat stewed pig's trotters, maybe I ate too much.

So I started playing basketball again. The owner of the bakery next to the bookstore loves to play basketball. I made an appointment with him a few times, and I followed him to play a few times. a period of time.

I will still go on a trip during the Chinese New Year this year. Do you have any places you want to go? I will check the travel guide. If there is something suitable for winter, let’s go together.

There is another thing I forgot to tell you yesterday. When I was going out, I picked up a cat on the wheel. It was very small, too ugly, really ugly, but I picked it up anyway, isn’t it very loving? Ha ha.

I plan to take this cat to the pet hospital for people to have a look at, and then take it to the bookstore to raise it. The next time you come here, you will see it is a raccoon cat.

I guessed the raccoon flower, anyway, it is neither yellow nor black, nor three-flowered, but the hair is messy, so I guess it is the raccoon flower, so it should be called Chouchou.

Chou Chou seems to have shit in the living room, I smell it, I have nothing to do today, so I will write here, love you, give me another kiss.

miss you Zhang Qingkai

The author has something to say: Well, there is no rebirth, no parallel space, I think they probably don't need these.

They are all happy, happy in their own way.

Tomorrow there will be another episode of Fu Kun and a short episode, and it will all be over