Food Bureau

I was very moved, so moved that I couldn't mobilize any language skills, even my memory. My memory let go of the shame and worry about gains and losses in the next short period of time, and woke up in front of the sofa.

The meaning of "bureau" to me, these years I sometimes think, it does not sound like a good word, reminiscent of a trap, or dilemma, it is not my ideal, but I am indeed trapped Here, I try to get closer to my ideal day after day.

If there is anything in this room that has a little relationship with my ideal, it can only be this corner of the sofa and the books on the shelf above my head.

I was sitting on a cushion in front of the sofa, and the retro gramophone beside me played very soft music, like a "Rainy Jazz" album.My face was on Shang Wan's lap, and she was sitting on the sofa stroking my face.

"When I first came here, you said that these books were all donated by guests."

"The ones who lie to you are all my favorite books. They are placed here to remind myself not to be willing to be a cook."

Her hand stopped for a moment, "Are you afraid that you will succumb to fate?"

I sighed, "Yeah, you may not understand, I didn't understand when my family was rich, but later, I was beaten down by these things that I didn't look down on, and I began to be in awe and restrain myself, there is no one in this world The dime should be yours. There is no book, a cooking spoon, or a person. It should belong to you. You see, I have worked in this [-] square meters for seven years. Seven years ago, the [-] square meters Like a stream, in my eyes, it is not streamlined, a world of mortals, hiding filth..."

I couldn't continue, I raised my face to look at Shang Wan.

The soft light of the floor lamp hit her face like the moonlight.

"I may understand better than you think." She paused, "I'm two years older than you. Over the years, I often feel that life is like a horse race. Blessing? You seem to be lucky these years, but in fact, if there was no accident in your family and you went down smoothly, when you are 40 or 50 years old, you may not be as successful as you are now 40 or 50 years old , comes fullness," her gaze softened, "what do you think?"

I nodded, I would have this idea in the past two years, but it has never been as clear as she expressed it.

"If my dad can come out early and settle him down, I will go to the United States and finish my undergraduate studies first."

Having said that, I paused. For the first time in so many years, I had an idea that I suddenly didn’t want to go to the United States anymore, otherwise I would take the college entrance examination again and study an undergraduate degree in architecture in City R.

"This is something you've been insisting on for ten years, come and go, you have to stick to it, don't worry about me." She seemed to read my mind.

"I really feel a little sorry for you. At my age, doing what I should have done seven or eight years ago, thinking of the future in a foreign country, may be very hard."

"Life is so long, and such a short few years will pass quickly. I can go to see you often. You can come back during your vacation and the final graduation project stage. You can practice in Shanggu. Isn't it so fast?"

When she said this, it sounded easier. My melancholy eased up a little, and I put her hand on my lips. The fragrance of the perfume on my wrist was very charming. I kissed it greedily, and then raised my eyes, "Once you I was working here, fell asleep, and I didn’t know what dream I had, I couldn’t stop crying, do you remember what I dreamed of?”

Her eyes froze for a while, she lost her mind, and then she pulled the corner of her lips, "Maybe I dreamed about my mother, or dreamed that you bullied me."

"Ah? Did you dream of me bullying you back then? I don't even dare to bully you now..." I scratched my head, "That... aunt... why are you so young..."

"Myeloma. My mother is a career-oriented woman. She works very hard. As far as I remember, she never seems to be idle, and she does all the things that men do in the traditional sense. Going to construction sites is commonplace. This disease started She always had back pains when she was young, and she thought it was because she was tired and didn't take it seriously, until her eyesight got worse and worse, she went to the hospital for a checkup, and found out that myeloma... She spent the last year in the hospital. She was in a wheelchair," Shang Wan turned to look at me, "Believe it or not, she even went to the construction site in a wheelchair."

I listened, feeling sorry for Shang Wan, got up and hugged her in my arms, "Don't try so hard, I still expect you to collect my body in the future."

After hearing this, she slapped me lightly on the back of my hand, "Whatever you say will taste bad when you say it."

I sat up straight and looked at her seriously, "Anyway, you must outlive me."

She pouted, "selfish."

"Look at you, I want you to live longer and still be called selfish." I pretended to be aggrieved, and the conversation that followed was out of tune.

That night, she wanted to accompany me until twelve o'clock to say "Happy Birthday" in person, but I persuaded her to go back. It's not an important birthday, so there's no need to pursue this kind of form. I told her to go back to sleep quickly and have a beautiful tomorrow. See "mother-in-law's family".

But at twelve o'clock, I still received Shang Wan's message on time, it was very simple: happy birthday.

I looked at those four words, and for some reason, tears welled up in my eyes. I replied word by word, very slowly:

--I love you

After a few seconds, she called, and I picked it up, but she didn't speak, I closed my eyes, "Shang Wan, I love you, very much, it seems like I've loved you for a long time."

"Me too, very special, love you."

At that moment, I regretted not spending this moment with her face to face. I wanted to see her eyes when she said she loved me. I wanted to hold her hard, kiss her, and rub her into my body.

The next day, my mother came over after two o'clock in the afternoon, brought some bought vegetables, and said that she was in charge of cooking today.I used to go to her house for a meal on birthdays, but this year I invited them over and told them that Ayou and my boss were also here. I called Ayou on purpose, otherwise it would be too obvious to have one more Shang Wan.

Ms. Wang Yaru is still the same. When she arrives at home, she first checks inside and out. On the surface, she checks the hygiene to see if I am living a good life by myself. Take it home, stuff like that.

I sat cross-legged on the sofa, and from the corner of my eye I watched her finish checking like a detective, then put down the phone, "Are you satisfied?"

"It's okay, the hygiene is good." She also sat down and took a breath.

I pushed the juice in front of her, "You have worked hard, drink some juice and take a rest."

She picked up the cup, pondered for a moment, then put it down again, "Daughter, do you think time flies? I still remember the first time I saw you on the delivery bed, that red, wrinkled little face , Oh, I thought at the time, I will protect her in this life, until I die of old age."

I thought for a while, "Was I born that ugly?"

She seemed to be immersed in her own exclamation, and she didn't intend to pay attention to me. Tears even appeared in her eyes, "In the blink of an eye, it has been 29 years. Mom is really old."

"Don't worry, people say that you look young, only in your early forties. Mom, you are actually quite lucky."

What is lucky?I haven’t finished the story. I always feel that there are two kinds of women who live well in this world. The first type is excellent to the extreme. They are dragons and phoenixes, transparent and intelligent. Their control over themselves and the world around them comes from various or innate Or acquired abilities: intuition, decisiveness, evaluation, choice, balance... Obviously, my mother does not belong to this kind of woman, she is the second type, simple and favored.

They live in a relatively simple and ignorant cognitive world. In this world, they don't need to put in too much effort, and they don't need to see through anything. They have troubles, but they will soon forget them, not because of forgetting. The troubled Huigen, but because of... forgetfulness, and behind all the confusion, the reason why their world is still running, and it is running well, is just supported by people who love them, like my mother, as far as I know Yes, first my dad, then Uncle Li, and even myself supported her intentionally or unintentionally.

As for the women caught between these two kinds, it cannot be said that their lives are not good, but all living beings, like me, Ah You, and Xiao Ziyan, are all ordinary and working hard.

"Come on, mother knows, you have always looked down on me."

"what?"

"When your father was sentenced, I remarried soon. I know you despise such a mother. After all these years, mother also thank you for still respecting me in face."

I'm a little speechless, indeed, for so many years, I have been bitter about her behavior, but every time I think about it, I feel that I am not qualified to judge, not to mention, the matter between her and my dad is, after all, between them Yes, the third person, even if I am a child, cannot understand everything.What makes me even more speechless is that we have never talked about such a serious topic in all these years...

"Oh, mom, no, I think that, apart from the person involved, no one can empathize with the matter of marriage and relationship, and no one is qualified to stand on the commanding heights of morality to make arbitrary judgments. In the final analysis, it is about you and my dad. , as long as he accepts it.”

My mother sighed, and I saw the wrinkles in the corners of her eyes. For some reason, I thought of Shang Wan. When a beauty is old, as long as there is someone who loves her by her side, she will not be afraid of anything. I hope , that person will be me in the future.

"Going back and forth," her voice suddenly sank a lot, and seemed to be much clearer, "There are some things that my mother never said, and I won't mention them again in the future. You are thirty years old this year, so I can tell you again, but Just say it once."

I felt a little uneasy in my heart, so I nodded.

"Back then, Mom and your Uncle Li got together so quickly, you must have thought we were having an affair long ago." She paused, "I know, everyone thought so, but believe it or not, we had a really good relationship before. It doesn't matter."

I froze, speechless.

"After your father pronounced the sentence, one day, Lao Li suddenly came to me and asked me if I would like to divorce Lai Congshan and marry him."

"why?"

"He analyzed it to me at the time. He has always liked me, but 'A friend's wife should not be bullied', he just thought about it before."

"What? My dad can be bullied as soon as he enters?"

"Secondly, he said that he went to seek advice from Congshan. Nine years is not a short period of time. After nine years, Congshan will be an old man even if he makes a comeback. He will no longer have the physical strength, energy and drive to make a fortune when he was young. If you get rich, your wife and children will suffer a lot if they follow him, not to mention that you were studying abroad at that time, when you needed money..."

"But I made it clear that I'm not going to study anymore." I interrupted her.

"Listen to me. At that time, you said you didn't want to read it anymore and you wanted to come back. We made up our minds and thought that maybe it was because we couldn't figure it out for a while, or maybe we wanted to prevent me from divorcing your father, so I gritted my teeth and insisted on leaving. One year, two years... You can always figure it out, I never thought that you, a kid, would be so stubborn, persist for seven or eight years, and completely block this road, in this regard, you are really like Lai Congshan."

"Wait, so Lao Li married you with my father's nod? What right does my father have to marry his own filthy wife again? What right do you have to talk about tearing down that house for me?"

My mother shook her head, "You are right to blame, and my mother is wrong, but don't blame your father, your father is the most magnanimous person. I don't want to whitewash everything, and Lao Li and I are right to start a new family. My own considerations, you should also know that in the years before your father came in, people became more and more drifting, more and more out of tune, and my relationship with him became more and more bad. In fact, in the end we talked all day long In less than two sentences, he always leaves early and returns late, and is even more busy on weekends and holidays, so my relationship with him broke down first, but if there is no major conflict in our husband and wife for more than [-] years, it’s just that. It's been a lifetime, but your dad had an accident at that time, which gave us a chance to reconsider. I believe your dad didn't want us to tear down the house from the bottom of his heart and didn't want me to remarry, but after his accident, I can't help but be alone. Said that all the assets of the family have been fined to him, as a man, he is willing to let me go, as a father, he hopes you have a better future."

We were both silent, it was a brutal showdown for me, no wonder my mother said she hadn't said it before and never would.I used to be too young to understand, and even today, I can't accept hearing this.And in the future, who would want to uncover this solidified scar again?

After a while, I finally said, "Mom, are you really happy with Uncle Li all these years?"

She thought about it and nodded, "I feel guilty for admitting that I am happy, but being with Lao Li is indeed happier than continuing to be with Lai Congshan."

"That's good."

I turned around and put my arms around my mother, "That's good."

Thinking of Shang Wan's words last night, "Life is like a horse race, gains and losses, how do you know if it's a blessing?"

"Yo, my daughter suddenly became profound." My mother said with a smile.

"Huh?" I was stunned, "It's the girl who is going to be a guest today."

The author has something to say: there will be another update tomorrow