Jujube

I didn't know what I was living for before. I lived in Nanting for three years. Sometimes I felt that I was living just to live, and sometimes I felt that I was living to wait for death.I didn't know until now.

This morning, I heard birds chirping outside the window, Wang Chunlu's whispering, footsteps in the corridor outside the door... I didn't wake up from a dream, I came alive from a dream.

Lu Xinyao cares about me more than I imagined, I'm sure of this.I remember the pill that I licked from his palm while I was half asleep and half awake. His tender look and behavior were completely different from those in Xinghe before. This difference made my brother suspicious.

During the year when Maurin and I were liars, I often witnessed him cheating. He was able to tell all kinds of non-existent things clearly, but he was still poor at that time.Mao Lin made his fortune by making good fortune. On the night when he earned his first sum of money, he said to me: "I knew this day would come."

Mao Lin said that he came up with a reason when he was poor and wanted to change. Why do so many people believe in the Buddha in the temple without saying a word?

"Do you know why?" Mao Lin taught me, because you don't need to be eloquent to deceive people.It means that as long as the person is right, even if he farts, you will feel that it is delicious.

I didn't understand it at the time, but when I think about it now, I suddenly understood it.What is Lu Xinyao to me?He is my elder brother, my Guanyin and water ghost, and he is all human beings, gods and ghosts.

I began to think about a question that I didn't dare to think about before: would Lu Xinyao lie?

If he will, has he lied to me?For example, is it a coincidence that I met him in Nanting? Why did he come to Nanting?He said he has something to do, is that true?

This suspicion is groundless, just like doing a proof question during an exam. There are no conditions. Maybe the question itself is wrong, but I can't help but think over and over again, just to get the answer that meets my wish.Very stubborn, very self-indulgent.I want my brother so much, I want Lu Xinyao more than before I came to Nanting, more than ever before.

My brother and I will definitely meet again.This is my hunch.

In the next few days, whenever I walked on the road alone, I couldn't help staring at a corner in a daze, wondering: Will my brother appear here?

I imagined many different places and situations for our meeting, what he would say to me, and what I should do to get the truth from my brother.

When I came out of Xinghe and stood on the side of the road staring at the opposite traffic lights and the crowds of cars coming and going, this kind of imagination was also going on in my mind.I imagined my brother appeared across from me, hooked his fingers at me, and then I ran over, and he rewarded me by stroking my face and chin for being obedient.

The green light is only 16 seconds away. At this time, the streets are very crowded, and people passing by are crowded with each other. If you are in a daze, you will be easily drowned in the crowd.But I was still in a daze. When my brother approached me against the crowd, I stood there blankly, the fantasy in my mind was forced to stop, and then I felt the real temperature on my brother's palm.

Only children crossing the road will be led by adults, or couples in love.I don't know what my brother thinks of me.

After crossing the road, Lu Xinyao let go of his hand and said to me, "Don't stand on the side of the road in a daze when crossing the road from now on."

I put my fingers together in the palm of my hand to prevent the wind from blowing cold, and nodded without listening to what I said, thinking to myself: Today is not a coincidence, he came to find me.

Lu Xinyao said again: "Don't stare at me in a daze, watch the road."

I asked, brother, where are we going?

"Go eat," he said.The road in front of me continues, leading to Linjiang.

In Nanting, when my brother and I met for the first time, I boasted to him about the gourmet snacks at Linjiang Night Market.Lu Xinyao still remembers that I like Guilin rice noodles the most. He sat across from me, and the rice noodles, steamed buns and soy milk were covered with white mist on the table. Peeking at my brother through the hot fog.

I remembered that this scene had happened many years ago.At that time, Meng Guanghui was still alive, and he was working hard to cultivate his youngest son on Sun Yuemei. I had breakfast with my brother, and I also secretly looked at him while eating.I am at the age of changing my teeth, and I eat slowly, afraid that my brother will not wait for me. Every time he sees that he is almost finished eating, he will stuff the buns into his mouth. If it is rice noodles or noodles, he will lie and call me I am full.

Later, I accidentally heard from Sun Yuemei that my brother is growing taller and needs to supplement nutrition, so eat more.I am a sycophant, and I have firmly remembered this sentence, so every time I have breakfast, I ask my brother to share half of it first.

"Mengli."

My recollection was interrupted by Lu Xinyao's voice. When I came back to my senses and looked at him, my eyelids suddenly twitched.My brother and I are not biological brothers, but there is an indescribable feeling between us, as if flowing in the blood, before he said anything, I was restless and felt it in advance.

Lu Xinyao said, "Meng Li, I'm leaving Nanting."

This was going to happen sooner or later, but I couldn't hide my apprehension and panic. I poked my lips hard with the chopsticks, and there was blood immediately.From my brother's eyes, I felt the pain of that moment.

"Brother, are you done with your work?"

Lu Xinyao stared at me deeply, suppressed the ominous blood with a tissue, then nodded: "Yes."

All the ideas and dialogues of these days suddenly became invalid.I didn't speak, and I didn't dare to blink my eyes. Tears were accumulated in my eye sockets, and they were about to fall in a blink.But my brother didn't let me go, as if he wanted to force me to cry, and then asked: "Don't you ask me when I'm leaving?"

This question is really like a knife, it hurts my eyes, I can't help it, tears flow down like blood.I lowered my head and said to him, "Don't tell me." I thought to myself, if you don't tell me, I won't know anything, so you never left, never left.

In three years, Lu Xinyao seemed to become more talkative. He was silent for a while and promised me not to speak.

"Go home early after get off work in the evening, don't drink." My brother patiently explained some things to me, and also reported me a series of numbers.I subconsciously wrote it down, and while reciting it silently, I heard him say: "Call me anytime if you need anything."

I haven't said a word all this time, Lu Xinyao is my brother, he knows me so well, he knows that I will remember it, and he will never forget it.But since he knows me so well, he should know that I can't do it.He's leaving, why doesn't he take me with him? —Yes, I remembered, he couldn't take me away.He said he would marry someone else.Already married?

The home that allowed me and my brother to depend on each other has long since ceased to exist.

When I returned to the tube building in Nanting, Lu Xinyao stayed for a rare moment, using the last bit of time to perform his brother's duties.

There was a nail protruding from the slab on my top bunk, right in the middle of the eye-spots, and I used to see its rusty point pointing at me as I lay in bed.This risk factor associated with death often makes me feel alive.

This nail is so hidden, my brother is only here for the third time, I don't know how he found it.After Lu Xinyao's treatment, the protruding tip retracted. When I touched it with my hand, it was smooth and even, and it was integrated with the bed board.

He obviously cared about me, but still wanted to leave me.I looked at my brother, and suddenly understood: he doesn't care whether I live well or not, he only cares about whether I can survive.

When Lu Xinyao finished all this and went out, I rushed forward and hugged him, buried my face in his back, and sobbed silently.I close my eyes and feel that this day is a nightmare. I hope it will end soon and wake up quickly.But I am afraid that it will end, once the nightmare is gone, and the brother in the dream is gone, then what will I have left?

Lu Xinyao waited for the trembling of my body to subside, then turned around and pressed me into his arms. He stroked my hair, and an indescribable nostalgia flowed quietly between his caresses.

"Be good," he said, to whom he didn't know. "You've grown up."

I don't like this word. When Sun Yuemei said it when she was a child, she immediately sent me to Yin Gu.To grow up is to let go.

"Brother, don't leave me...don't leave me." I repeated this sentence, hugging my brother tightly, turning myself into a heavy drag, thinking that this would keep him.Breathing gradually became insufficient during this process, and I suddenly had a wonderful wish—I wanted to die in my brother's arms.

There must be a connection between Lu Xinyao and me that I can't even detect. He pushed me away mercilessly when my desire just sprouted.The arms are empty, and the cold air pours in from all directions as if to drown me.

I fell to the ground weakly, and raised my head to meet Lu Xinyao's pained eyes. The black eyes were soft and the white eyes were stern.I suddenly felt confused and stunned, and realized that I made another mistake and made my brother angry.

elder brother.I called him in a panic, afraid that he would walk away without looking back.

However, Lu Xinyao didn't leave. After staring briefly, he approached me. When his shadow completely covered me, I heard my brother speak.

He said to me in his usual low tone and unambiguous tone: "If you want to die, I will not recognize you."

In fact, I didn't think about where I was wrong, but I hurriedly apologized to my brother: "I'm sorry, brother. I'm sorry."

My brother pinched my chin with his hand, forcing me to make a promise: "Say 'no next time'."

His shadow seems to be wiping my tears, but his body is moving away from me.

What exactly went wrong?I can't figure it out.