Observation Diary in Yokohama

When Xingyuan Kazuya saw the phone wallpaper clearly, his pupils shrank, and the hand holding the phone subconsciously clenched, and the whitened fingertips showed the restlessness of its owner.

As shown by his inadvertent movements, he is now in a very restless mood, even shocked.He really didn't think that Mr. Dazai took his mobile phone to do this, and he didn't know when his neighbor found out that something was wrong with him.

Sometimes even he himself will ignore his "abnormality".

Now the wound that has been covered up for many years has been torn open carelessly. It would be a lie to say that it doesn't hurt.

It has been rotting for so many years, and there seems to be no problem on the surface, but in fact, the inside has long been broken.

Lowering his eyes, he relaxed the hand holding the phone, and the white color of his hand was replaced by pink.Slowly let out a mouthful of turbid air, the look in his eyes was obscure at the moment.

He stood stiffly and maintained the current posture for a long time, until the light coming in through the window became dim, and his standing feet felt a little numb, so he moved his body slightly.He reached out and took off the black-rimmed glasses he had worn for a long time, let go of his hand, and let it fall to the ground in free fall.

With a sound of "bang", the lens shattered, and the tiny fragments were scattered everywhere. The only person in this house didn't have the mind to take care of this matter, because he was thinking about other more important things.

Press and hold the power off button for a few seconds, and the phone will also shut down. After the screen is completely black, Xingyuan Kazuya threw it directly on the low cabinet a few steps away from him without even looking at it.

There was a hint of fatigue on the delicate face, the brows were furrowed, the corners of the mouth were flattened, and the expression looked a little world-weary.

The once gentle mask was broken, and only at this time was the hidden secret revealed.

Maybe this is his true inner expression.

He pulled on his shoes, dragged his heavy steps, and followed his instinct to walk to his room.The faint light shone on him, making the shadow behind him stretch very long until the door was closed to block all prying eyes from outside.

Xingyuan Kazuya walked to the bathroom in a daze, and stood at the door looking at the scene inside in a daze.Then I realized that I was going to wash up and get ready for bed.

Just need to sleep and everything will go back to the way it was before, right?

Will the wound that was uncovered in the corner today be able to return to its previous appearance, just like the well-whitewashed appearance before.

Turn on the faucet, squeeze the toothpaste and put the water glass under it.Looking up inadvertently, he saw himself in the mirror who was out of his mind.

The eyes are half-open, the pupils are dull, completely black, and it is completely impossible to see that it is still a little brown.The corners of the mouth were flattened, and the expression on his face was very indifferent, as if he didn't care about anything.

Looking in the mirror, it was obvious to him that something was wrong with his current situation.

Obviously he is a very gentle person.

I forced myself to raise the corners of my mouth and smile, but the self in the mirror looked like a half-smile, uglier than crying.Quietly looking at myself in the mirror, smiling and tears streaming down my face.

The constant sound of water in the bathroom covered other subtle sounds.The sobbing sound that rang out from time to time was also blocked, except for the "squeaking" sound of water, no other sounds could be heard.

Xing Yuan reached out to wipe away the tears, and the cold tears were accidentally wiped into his mouth, and the salty and slightly crying taste instantly filled the whole mouth.

He reached out his hand silently and tapped himself on the mirror, staring at him with black eyes.

He suddenly couldn't remember what he was like before, nor could he remember his character before that.Suddenly remembered, except for the skin, everything else was carefully packaged by him.He understands what kind of reaction and expression is the most pleasing to others, and it is also the easiest way for others to let go of their vigilance and develop a good impression of him.

Looking at the strange self in the mirror, he had to admit that he was very strange.

'Mr. System, are you there? '

[The host doesn't have to worry, I'm always here. ]

Hoshihara Kazuya didn't seem to hear this sentence, but stubbornly repeated it again.

'Mr. System, are you there? '

[The host doesn't have to worry, I'm always here. ]

'So you'll always be here? '

This time the system did not give a timely answer, but only made a sound after a while.

[….Yes, I will always be there. ]

The system's steady voice sounded, and it paused for a while before adding the words behind it.

[I will always be there until you don't need me anymore. ]

'When was that? ' Hoshihara Kazuya asked.

He pursed his lips tightly, and asked stubbornly: "Then when will you be away? When is the time when I don't need you again."

Hoshihara Kazuya is now like an insecure child, when he can't get the answer he wants, he will keep chasing the text and making trouble.Although the final answer was in his heart, he refused to give up, insisting on getting the answer he wanted.

The system did not speak, but kept silent, neither affirming nor denying.

'Is this question difficult? ’ As he spoke, the starlight in Hoshihara Kazuya’s eyes dimmed, “But I really want to keep the status quo. '

Instead of directly answering the question, the system asked an irrelevant sentence.

[Don't the host want to remember what he looked like before? ]

Now it was Xing Yuan's turn to stop talking.

He just stared blankly at himself in the mirror.

"I just want to stay like this, isn't it good? I will be happy every day, be gentle with everyone, and be treated kindly by everyone." Xingyuan Kazuya also murmured.

Suddenly he frowned again, and refuted his own words, "Is it possible that I want to spend the rest of my life in falsehood? This is wrong."

[Actually, Xingyuan, you have already made up your mind, haven’t you? ] The system calmly opened the mouth, and directly pulled the good expectations hidden in his heart to the surface.

[It's just that you have been refusing to admit it.You subconsciously avoid everything that may hurt yourself, hiding in your shell like a coward.You don't want to think about your past memories, and you don't want to know what kind of person you used to be.Live in the Garden of Eden designed by yourself every day, all emotions, expressions, behaviors... are pre-determined by you. ]

[Having carried expectations that don't belong to me for so long, Xingyuan, are you tired?Now someone is expecting you to come out, he is standing in a place full of light waiting for you, isn't this what you have always hoped for? ]

[When you are alone and lonely, someone can hold you. ]

[Let yourself go, let go too]

The system didn't say anything later, it knew that its "host" knew what it wanted to say.

It suddenly felt a little tired. Logically speaking, an existence like it that has no entity and is not seen by people should not have such human emotions, but now it does.

There was no disgust, but a sense of relief pervaded every part of it.

The festering and stinking wound that has been buried in the heart for a long time will be pulled out one day, otherwise it will be the most terrifying when it erupts.

"This is the first time you have spoken my last name in the system." Hoshihara Kazuya laughed with tears in his eyes.

The expression of the person shown in the mirror was very relieved, as if he had figured something out.

He did figure it out too, maybe he'd made up his mind when he dropped his glasses.

"Mr. System, thank you."

[You're welcome, Hoshihara Kazuya. ] The system said reservedly.Suddenly, it spoke with some uncertainty, [...Is something wrong now?Can you stop calling me Mr. System, I hope you can call me by my name once. ]

"Reciprocity?" Hoshihara Kazuya took the cup in the sink and put it aside, and put the toothbrush in his hand on it.

He bent down and splashed a handful of water on his face, rubbed his eyes hard, and covered his tears with the help of cold water.

After a long time, a choked voice sounded in the quiet space.

"So I'm here to trouble you, Hoshihara Kazuya, or maybe I used to be myself."

[You're welcome, this is your expectation and my wish. ]

After Osamu Dazai returned to his room, he did not go to wash and sleep directly, but took out two thin pieces of paper from his pocket and looked at them.

The bright light illuminated the things in his hands, and a few large black bold characters were exposed in front of people.

【Investigative Report by Kazuya Hoshihara】

He has read the content written above many times, and it is not an exaggeration to say that he has memorized it fluently.

but......

Osamu Dazai sneered, slightly raised his hand, and casually threw the things in his hand on the table.

"They're all the same things, there's no need to keep looking at them." He complained in a low voice like a child, and the dissatisfaction in his eyes was almost overflowing.

After saying this, he relaxed his body and lay on the sofa boneless, "This is really a risky move, but everything has come to this, and there is no need to repent, after all... .”

To cure the disease, we still have to treat it from the root.

"Everything can be counted very well, but there are still worries."

At this moment, Osamu Dazai's eyes showed some real emotion, and the worry in his kite-colored eyes was not fake.

Perhaps, even after a day of psychological work, I still can't feel at ease.

"Tick-tick-tick-"

The clock hanging on the wall made regular sounds, and each sound was like a hammer beating, beating into people's hearts.

until

The crisp doorbell rang.

When he heard the familiar doorbell, Osamu Dazai still couldn't recover.

By the time he realized it, the information on the table had reached his hands at some point.

[Name: Kazuya Hoshihara

Sex: Male

Both parents died in a car accident, and was sponsored by a kind-hearted person to go to college... A car accident happened on the way to work, and the body disappeared... Finally, it mysteriously appeared in the xxx community]

He ignored the meaningless content in it, and only the most important ones in his eyes.

Mishaps in childhood and abnormalities in adulthood.

The most important point is that this information is different from what he has seen before, as if something that blinded the eyes of the world has finally left.

Seeing this, Osamu Dazai showed a relaxed smile.

Standing up neatly with his hands on the sofa, he lowered his head to observe his clothes, smoothed out the creases that he accidentally made, and then casually raised his hands to fiddle with his hairstyle before walking towards the door.

Kacha opened the door, and the expected person appeared in sight.

Raising a bright smile, he said briskly, "Hey, isn't this Xiao Xingyuan? Today you are finally willing to take off your own glasses?"

The person who came, that is, Hoshihara Kazuya subconsciously stretched out his hand to push down his glasses, but found nothing, and realized that he had already thrown them away.

"Here......."

Before he could finish speaking, he was cut off.

"Well, Xiao Hoshihara, you can wear glasses or not. The important thing is, what are you going to do here?" Osamu Dazai raised his head slightly, and his eyes fell on the person at the door with a teasing look, "What do you want to say?" Want to talk?"

The conversation was cut off, and Xing Yuanhe was also a little helpless.

Everything has been said, so what else can he say?

But there was one thing, it was something he had decided long ago.

Quietly raised her head and glanced at the person opposite, took a deep breath, mustered up her courage, and whispered, "Thank you for this."

"Is it gone?" Osamu Dazai raised his eyebrows in doubt.

"And there is..." Hoshihara Kazuya successfully got stuck after saying a few words, muttered twice, and half of the exposed earlobe was dyed pink.

From the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of someone's expressionless face, and his heart beat a little, and then he saw that "threatening" glance.With a strong heart, the thought of wanting to retreat that had just arisen was instantly broken.

"And there is... I... I..."

The last few words are still unclear.

"If what you say is what I think first, then I agree."

Seeing that the person couldn't utter a complete sentence for a long time, Osamu Dazai interrupted him impatiently.

While speaking, he bent down slightly, facing the person face to face, so close that he could feel the warm breath of the other person.

"If what you want to say is different from what I think, then I agree for you, what do you think?"

When Xingyuan Kazuya heard this sentence, he felt that his heartbeat missed a beat. He was a little confused about the deep meaning of what he said.

I was stunned for a while.

"If you don't speak, I will assume that you agree by default, so good night, my boyfriend." Dazai Osamu spoke neatly, and he couldn't help laughing when he saw the person still looking stupid.

Standing up straight, reached out and tapped his forehead lightly, "You really are a little fool."

After all, he took someone's hand and sent him back to the next door.

When Xingyuan Kazuya came back to his senses, he was already standing at the entrance of his house, with the closed door behind him.

Reluctantly, he recalled what happened just now, and felt a little embarrassed, his fair face began to flush.

He seemed to still be able to feel the warmth of his fingers where he was poked, and those words were still circling in his mind.

[Boy friend]

He leaned against the door and sat down on the ground regardless of his image, and began to giggle.

This time, he was finally no longer an unwanted child.

Pretty good, isn't it?

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The author has something to say:

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This book... cough, broken many times, sorry qvq

In fact, the core of this book is to write a healing story of reconciliation with myself, but I didn’t write it well (crap)

The follow-up outline has been overturned many times, it is difficult to do

This book is not enough

I don't seem to be very good at writing delicate characters, I didn't write them out, and I didn't write very well

The protagonist should be said to be a very strong and gentle person, but also a coward

If you wear a lot of masks, it will become real. Gentleness is something that has been worn in your bones since childhood, so it cannot be said to be fake (what are you talking about)

The system has been reminded before that the system is the protagonist himself (almost omnipotent?)

In the end, CP decided on Osamu Dazai

In short, this book has a lot of shortcomings, thank you for your patience to watch qvq

There is a little bit of side story in the back, um, a little bit x