Xu Jun's life

In the last days of my father, Li Xiu was always by his side.

That winter, Beijing was very cold, and there was heavy snow all winter. Although the best ward in Furen Hospital was warm, well-equipped, and brighter and more spacious than the ward I lived in in City C, it could not open fire.We cook in the family building of the hospital, and it takes 5 minutes to walk to my dad’s ward to deliver the meals. Li Xiu is only so small, wearing a white down jacket, like a dumpling, and refuses to be hugged by others, holding my hand, looking after himself Walk freely in the snow.

Li Zhurong often goes with us. When he is not around, let Li Chang follow us. When he is there, he is him. Li Xiu has changed from an arrogant little tiger to a well-behaved cat in front of him. He holds Li Xiu in one hand, The other hand is around my shoulder. In winter, he often wears a dark gray windbreaker. There is a faint smell of smoke on the clothes. The Chinese New Year is approaching, and there are many things in the company. He is always cold, tough and resolute. Except that he calls and scolds his subordinates more times than before, he is the same as usual.

My mother lived with my father. Although two nurses were hired, the old lady couldn't sleep every night. She sat on the bedside and looked at my father until late at night.

I persuaded her, she looked at my dad with a dejected look, and said to me: "A husband and wife for a lifetime... from now on, I will be the only one left."

She told me about her relationship with my dad, that she was seven years younger than my dad, that she had good hair and braids, and that many male teachers at school liked her.My dad was a physics teacher at that time. He was tall, thin, white and clean. When he came to cook, he always lowered his eyes and didn't dare to look at her.Later, the students at the school rebelled, beat the teacher, and smashed my dad's head. When she heard the news, she was so anxious that she couldn't sleep all night, and she was embarrassed to see him.As a result, the next day, my dad came to the cafeteria to eat again, his head was wrapped in a gauze, and he was still white, and he dared not look at her with his eyes down.She didn't dare to look at my dad, because she knew that the student hit my dad with an eraser wrapped in iron sheet, cried all night, and his eyes were swollen like peaches.

She said she knew my dad liked her in his heart.There are more than 20 windows in the cafeteria, and my dad stared at her window for four years.She used to cook spicy food, my dad would sit in the corner of the cafeteria and eat it, it was so spicy that his tongue stuck out, and the next meal would come to her food, rain or shine.My dad doesn't know how to cook, and he eats in the cafeteria during holidays. He sits alone in the corner with a thin back.At that time, she thought that if she could marry her, she would cook for him every day so that he could live a good life.

She said that later she stopped cooking spicy dishes. There was only one time when someone arranged a blind date for my dad. When she heard this, she was so angry that she put a large iron spoonful of chili powder into the dish, and the cabbage turned red.My dad ate it, and came to cook again the next day, eyes drooping, angry, with a big pimple on her forehead, red and shiny, at that time she looked at my dad and thought: this person likes me .

She has been waiting for my dad. At that time, she got married early and many people asked her for a blind date, but she refused to nod.Waiting and waiting, until she was almost an old girl, my dad finally came.

She said, my dad is a clumsy person, he keeps everything in his heart, anger is also in his heart, and distress is also in his heart.When she first got married, she was impatient and quarreled with my dad. My dad couldn't speak, his face turned pale with anger, but he couldn't swear.Seeing my dad trembling with anger, she couldn't bear to say anything.

She said that all these years, my dad worked hard and was as thin as a bamboo pole. She always thought that when he retired, she would also retire, cook for him every day, force him to eat, and raise him into a fat old man.She said that she still wants to teach my dad how to play mahjong and poker, and when he is too old to move or read, she will sit with him, bask in the sun, and listen to opera...

She said that as a couple for a lifetime, they always thought it would end.But I never thought that my life would be gone so soon.

After winter, my dad’s condition suddenly worsened, with vomiting, diarrhea, and loss of appetite. He lost weight overnight and lost his shape. When I bathed my dad, his ribs could be clearly counted one by one.He had chest pains and couldn't sleep all night long. In early October, he developed fluid in his abdomen, cancer spread, and wailed in pain.Every time I dare not stay longer in his ward—he was afraid that I would worry, and always gritted his teeth and endured it in front of me. He dared to call out when I left, and I listened on the door because of the tumor. At that time, his voice was completely hoarse, and he wailed one after another. My knees outside the door listened, and my heart seemed to be fried in boiling oil.

I started taking opioids on October [-]th, but the traditional Chinese medicine didn’t stop. My dad started to lose energy. The pain was better, but sometimes he fell asleep while talking. The doctor said it was a side effect of the medicine.

There are also good times. During those days in November, the sun came out in Beijing, and it was warm everywhere. I helped him go downstairs to bask in the sun, and Li Xiu was there. My mother was knitting a sweater on a bench, and Li Xiu Running around on the lawn with a model airplane, he made a "woo-woo" sound, and suddenly laughed and said, "You also liked to play with these things when you were young."

I don't even remember.

I only remember that I broke my wrist once and went to the hospital to see a doctor. The pain was severe. He didn't know how to coax me. I just remembered that I love ice cream, but my mother refused to let me eat it.So I secretly bought ice cream, hid from my mother, and took me to eat it in the backyard of the hospital. It was the height of summer, and he was sweating all over his head. He sat there watching me eat ice cream, and he smiled like this.

I only heard from my mother that when I was teething, I stuffed everything into my mouth, and gnawed on the little globe he bought, which was full of tooth marks, but he was not angry.His teeth didn't grow well, so he seldom smiled since he was a child. He was afraid that I would inherit him. When my teeth grew or changed, he always stared at me nervously.

He is such a good person, and he has never done anything bad in his life. He was hospitalized in Beijing, and his students came back from abroad to visit him, and gave me money outside the ward. Will say: "Treat well, ah, treat well..."

So many people are reluctant to let him die.

When he started to lose consciousness, Li Xiu also knew that he didn't have much time, so he refused to go home and stayed in the hospital. When he woke up, he would talk to him a little.He likes Li Xiu very much, and keeps telling me: "You can teach him in the future."

In the end, he thought that Li Xiu wanted to be a physicist.

November 21 is not even counted as the new year. After talking with the doctor, my mother said that this year will be a new year earlier.

It snowed heavily that night, and Li Zhurong came back in the evening. My mother and I prepared the New Year’s Eve dinner. Li Xiu was talking with him in the living room. After a while, he came to the kitchen and said to us: "Grandpa said, smell good."

He couldn't eat anything anymore, he was skinny, his cheeks were sunken, and his eyes couldn't see very clearly.

After the dishes were laid out and all sat on the table, when my mother went to serve the last stewed dish, he suddenly stretched out his hand and moved the bowl of braised fish towards me.

All his life he remembered that I liked fish.

After dinner, Li Xiu saw the atmosphere was heavy and clamored to set off the fireworks. Li Zhurong went to direct Li Chang to set off the fireworks, and Li Xiu followed suit. My parents and I stayed by the window and watched.On the dark sky, suddenly a large brilliant flower bloomed.Ambilight, according to his complexion is much better.

He suddenly said, "Do you still remember the Chinese New Year that year?"

He was talking to my mother.

My mother nodded.

He looked at my mother, suddenly lowered his eyes, and laughed.

I don't know, he is talking about the Chinese New Year.

Maybe it was when I was young, wearing a cotton-padded jacket, holding a snowball, and running downstairs as if I was having fun. He wore glasses and chased after him nervously. He accidentally fell and broke his eyes. Tell me not to run, while groping around in the snow, making my mother laugh so hard.

Maybe it was the year when I went to the University of R. Professor Qian asked me if I wanted to enter Group A. When I went home during the Chinese New Year, I told him about it. Talking about what I learned in class until I fell asleep on the sofa, my mother covered him with a blanket and pinched him angrily.

Maybe, before I was born, when my mother was very young, and he was also very young, only the two of them remember a certain year of Chinese New Year.

Those were the best years.

If possible, I wish he could be that simple physics professor for the rest of his life, without watching me being expelled from school or suffering from cancer. I would like to wait for him to be old and unable to walk. Talk to him about my childhood.

On November 26, he stopped breathing.

My mother cried a lot.

When burying him, I wiped his body, he was so thin, with only a little bone left, but all these years, he has always been the person I rely on the most in my heart.Sometimes when I think about him and my mother, I feel that things in this world are no big deal, and I have to continue to live.

Yet he died.

On November 29, I sent his ashes back to City C.

Home is still there.I tidied up his study, the books are still there, the desk is still there, the teacup he likes to drink is still there, and his glasses are still there.

I always thought that he would suddenly come out of the study, holding a book, and ask me: "Look, does this place make sense..."

In early January, the institute conducted a census.

I habitually check the line of my parents.

It was only later that I realized that I didn't have a father anymore.