Pavlov and the White Moonlight

I was pressed on the mirror by him, with the cold mirror on my back, he threw himself on me, and the two kissed in every way, just like what Eileen Chang said - cold, hot, wild sparks until come on.I hugged him drowsily and turned around. He kept calling my name vaguely, with the tip of his tongue dodging backwards. I hummed in response to him. The breath in my nasal cavity was hot. I stumbled, and we both fell on the bed, and I couldn't help but press his wrist.

Tang Shuhe's body became stiff for a moment, but he didn't intend to resist. It was at that moment that I woke up.I leaned on top of him and briefly left his lips.The faces of the two were very close, Tang Shuhe's breath was hot on my face, he squinted his eyes and glanced at me, raised his head and gently rubbed the tip of my nose.

"I..." I sat up, wiped my face, and said in a hoarse voice, "I'm taking my time."

As soon as I got angry, I spread my legs awkwardly, resting my elbows on my knees to adjust my breathing. He lowered his eyes and didn't speak.Both of us were still wearing coats, and we didn't have time to take off our shoes. We lay down and sat, our coats and hair were messed up, and the tone of light and shadow in the quiet and dim hotel room was ambiguous and silent.Tang Shuhe half-opened his eyes, and after a while, he came over and pressed his face against my waist.

He vowed: "Give me a little more time, and I will be fine."

"Okay," I was happy, and patted his back, "If you have this heart, we two won't be afraid of anything."

He originally talked about this matter as a serious matter, but when I talked there, Tang Shuhe's face was a little bit embarrassed, and he let go of me and turned over.I pinched the back of his neck: "I'm going to take a bath."

The snow fell harder and harder that night, and the whistling wind could be heard through the window.When Tang Shuhe came out of the shower, I was lying in bed by the window, watching the video of Lu Bowen and Xiao Ke sent by the foster care center. After I left, I moaned all night, and I didn’t like to eat. I was listless and lost weight. Yesterday, a husky came to the foster care center, so I made it lively and howled with others.Tang Shuhe was sitting by the bed, and I happily handed him the phone: "Look at them."

Tang Shuhe looked at it for a while and said, "Wenwen has lost weight."

"Yes," I said, "a pig as thin as a dog."

"..." Tang Shuhe said, "Xiao Ke seems to be okay."

I turned over and hugged him: "Well, even Teddy can't do it with three hundred pieces of dog food."

He sat on the edge of the bed, pursed his lips and smiled, looked out the window, and was about to lie down when he lifted the quilt. Go to sleep over there."

He froze for a moment, I buried myself under the blanket, looked at him with a pair of eyes and smiled: "I'm here to warm your blanket."

He looked down at me for a moment, rubbed his nose, turned away and smiled.

"Come in quickly," I said, "It will be cold for a while, and it will be useless to cover."

He obediently said oh, got into the bed and hugged me, touched my face, and kissed me loudly with a bang.

I smiled and hugged him warmly.

"Go to sleep," I said, "it's still snowing outside, I just noticed that the windows are leaking, why don't you close the curtains?"

He shook his head, put his hands behind my back, tucked the corner of the quilt for me, and said, "Go to sleep."

I was so sleepy that my head hurt, but I couldn't fall asleep for a while because of the kiss before going to bed. After we hugged for a while, he turned away, and I stared at the back of his head in a daze. After a while, he Quiet Mimi turned around, and I quickly closed my eyes.

I felt him staring at me for a moment, then leaned over and carefully kissed me on the lips.

chirp.

I wanted to pretend to be asleep, but I couldn't control the trembling of my cheekbones, so I laughed. He still maintained the posture of stealing a kiss, stretching his neck and looking at me.

Between the moonlight and the snow, I hold Tang Shuhe's face in my hands.

"Hey," I quacked, "you look like a big goose."

"..." Tang Shuhe turned back again.

Tang Shuhe's leave was only granted until the second day of Tang Youwen's funeral.Early the next morning, he took me to see his psychiatrist.It was a woman about 50 to [-] years old, fat, with high cheekbones and big eyes, and she spoke softly, a little bit of culture.

Tang Shuhe introduced my identity straight to the point. I felt that he was a little nervous. He never spoke so fast when he was relaxed.After saying a few words briefly, he squeezed my shoulder, bent down and said in a low voice, "I... I'll go out and sit, you talk first."

I was a little surprised, I glanced at the doctor, she didn't say anything, so I nodded and waved to him.He nodded to the doctor, walked out quickly, and closed the door gently.

The doctor smiled at me and said, "He used to mention you to me a lot."

She briefly explained Tang Shuhe's medical history to me.After recovering from the concussion, Tang Shuhe was sent to that school. In August of that year, after Tang Shuhe came out, he went to see a doctor for the first time.At that time, Tang Shuhe's parents first found him a psychological counselor—the female doctor in front of me.At that time, Tang Shuhe...was in a very bad situation. After seeing Tang Shuhe, she told his parents that he had to take Tang Shuhe to the psychiatric department of a third-class hospital. After cutting his neck and wrists, it finally happened.Tang Shuhe was directly transferred to the psychiatric department after he came out of the surgical inpatient ward.

Severe anxiety with suicidal tendencies, post-traumatic stress disorder, physical contact disorder, sexual aversion.After being hospitalized for four months and recuperating at home for a period of time, he went overseas.

He continued to receive treatment locally during his school days in Madison, but he has been in regular contact with the female doctor, both at home and abroad.

"I am his boyfriend back then, and his current lover," I leaned forward, and said, "He is recovering well in all aspects now, but once he saw his mother suddenly, at that time the anxiety attack Once."

"Did you experience more severe mood swings later?" she asked.

I thought about it and said, "Yes. But he didn't have a seizure. I've been paying attention."

"Let's observe first," she said. "If the condition is stable, it is basically possible to avoid medication. He has been recovering very well in the past few years."

"One more thing." I put my fingers on my knees, crossed them a few times, and said after deliberation, "He...his sexual aversion has not been cured. I want to say that now he has a partner, can I How will it help him to cooperate with his treatment?"

The female doctor smiled and said softly: "Of course the cooperation of your partner is helpful... I can give you some advice, but you should still go to the hospital for a look - I don't have the right to prescribe, I can only give psychological counseling and guidance."

I sat there, for a while, nodded.

I suddenly realized that when he brought me to see his psychiatrist, maybe he didn’t intend for me to accompany him to “treat” anything in the first place. Everything that has been hidden from me is just confessed to me.

So I chatted with her for a long time.When the female doctor talked about meeting Tang Shuhe for the first time, she used one word to describe Tang Shuhe's state at that time - broken.

"I had heard about that school before accepting Xiaoshu," she said. "It accommodates children... whose parents feel they need treatment."

I asked with difficulty: "How...to treat?"

"Do you know about aversion therapy?" she asked.

I nodded with a vague understanding, then shook my head.

She pondered for a moment, then asked again: "Do you know Pavlov's conditioned reflex theory?"

"...Is it the dog's one?"

She nodded and said: "This aversion therapy is based on this theory and another conditioned reflex theory. The specific operation is to combine some unpleasant stimuli with certain behaviors to make the person being 'treated' In the end, I hate this behavior and give up this behavior."

My mouth started to dry out: "I know he was beaten inside, broke a rib, took medicine, and suffered... electric shocks."

She nodded, looked at me with an indescribable gentle compassion, and continued: "He mentioned that there is no reason to be beaten, it is very cruel, and the medicine he takes is hormone drugs, combined with electric shocks. To intensify feelings of nausea, dizziness, pain and panic."

She glanced at me again, pondered for a while, and continued: "Xiaoshu mentioned that they would force him to watch something before shocking him, usually after a period of time, the electric shocks would start suddenly, and let him remember this kind of thing. ... Painful feelings, those things, some of them are videos that arouse his desire, some of them are... pictures of you."

My Photo.

What was he thinking when he looked at those pictures.

What was he thinking every time he looked at my face when we reunited.

She said, "Are you okay?"

I closed my eyes and said, "...it's okay."

She smiled and said: "Xiaoshu said on the phone yesterday that he has no privacy with you now, and I can tell you everything."

"Well." I said.

Seeing that I was not in the right mood, she said some irrelevant things, and then praised Tang Shuhe, saying that when he was in Madison, he usually made an appointment at five or six o'clock in the evening or in the morning when he was in Madison because of the time difference with China. □Call her at one o'clock, and act very politely.

That was the most painful time for him. I don't know how he survived, and I dare not think about it.Among the children who "graduated" in the same period, some committed suicide, some killed their mothers, and some escaped into Buddhism.However, he completed his studies perfectly in a foreign country alone in eight years, worked hard to seek treatment, and never gave up returning home.

We talked for a long time.I originally wanted Tang Shuhe to come in and let her listen to his chief complaint, but she smiled and waved her hand, saying that it's fine if he doesn't want to talk, and we talked on the phone yesterday.So I nodded, thanked and said goodbye, opened the door and walked out.

Tang Shuhe stood in front of the outer window, looking intently at the sanitation worker Qingxue outside, and when he heard the door, he immediately turned his head, and we stood opposite each other, as if in a dream.

His face was a little pale, he smiled at me, and said, "It's been a long time... shall we go?"

It was a bit cold outside, he breathed out white mist while speaking, his face was sometimes covered by the white mist, through the white mist and dust, on a cold winter morning, I looked at his pale and handsome face , suddenly felt like a life had passed.

It's been too long.The female doctor told me that he had mentioned me more than once in one of his most desperate overseas calls.

On the day we reunited, he held me back. I still remember his appearance at that time. After eight years of ignorance, he wanted to talk.

He said, do you believe it, love is an instinct.

Love is an instinct, I suddenly understood.

"Let's go." I said.

Let's go home.

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