The Spring of Prince Syndrome

Sitting far away on a chair in the dining room, Tan Ruikang knelt on the ground, picked out the glass shards stuck on his feet, and turned around to take a band-aid for him.

"Don't be afraid." Tan Ruikang said: "Xiaoyuan, don't be afraid, brother doesn't dislike you, no wonder you keep saying you don't want to get married... Just say it out, let's find a way to solve it together, it will get better, it's a psychological problem. "

Yuan Yuan said: "Brother, you don't understand, this is not a psychological problem."

Tan Ruikang said in a low voice, "Xiao Yuan, it's fine."

Yuanyuan couldn't help trembling in front of him, leaned forward slightly, and said in a low voice: "You don't understand, you don't understand, Tan Ruikang, I love you."

Tan Ruikang was silent for a moment, and said: "Xiaoyuan, I love you, brother loves you, you are my only younger brother. But there is not that kind of love between us..."

Yuan Yuan was crazy, his endurance was far from being able to bear it, and he yelled at Tan Ruikang with tears in his eyes: "I fucking love you so much, for so many years!! I love you so much that I'm going crazy! You If you like me, you will die——!”

Tan Ruikang's pupils dilated slightly, and after a long time, he panted and said, "Xiaoyuan, calm down."

Yuan Yuan closed his eyes, he really wanted to hit his head to death, blaming himself for the stupid thing he did just now.

Tan Ruikang poured Yuanyuan a glass of water to drink, and Yuanyuan filled the glass of water, lying on the table tiredly, and the lighter sounded, and Tan Ruikang let out a long breath.

"Give me one." Yuan Yuan said.

After Tan Ruikang fell ill, the two quit smoking. After Tan Ruikang recovered from his illness, Tan Ruikang started smoking again in order to socialize, but Yuan Yuan never smoked. At this time, he could not smoke.

Yuan Yuan was a little numb, his mind was completely blank, and he didn't want to say anything, Tan Ruikang patted Yuan Yuan's head.

"Don't touch me!" Yuan Yuan shouted.

Tan Ruikang said: "Brother, don't be afraid, we will bear it together, brother will help you, don't do this, don't give up on yourself. Brother will not despise you, really will not."

Yuanyuan looked at Tan Ruikang with red eyes, and remembered many things.

He has never been truly independent - Tan Ruikang has made all the choices in his life with him, and Tan Ruikang has borne all the difficulties with him, and all these pains have disappeared under his sharing, except for this The only thing.

"Speak out what's on your mind." Tan Ruikang said, "Let's solve it together, trust me, okay?"

With tears in his eyes, Yuan Yuan nodded and said, "Okay, okay."

Tan Ruikang breathed a sigh of relief, and said, "Xiaoyuan, you are just impulsive and can be cured."

Yuan Yuan said: "It's not a sudden impulse, it's not... It's been many years."

Tan Ruikang said: "When did you feel that you like men?"

Yuan Yuan said: "I don't like men... I don't like anyone else..."

Tan Ruikang said: "Speak clearly, Xiaoyuan."

He looked at Tan Ruikang and realized that what he was about to make was an extremely difficult decision. He wanted to separate his beloved Tan Ruikang from his brother, and he wanted to tell him all about his thoughts, and let them kill his love together. This process is tantamount to tearing himself apart, killing another Tan Ruikang in his life, or the distant self who loves Tan Ruikang.

"I...don't know." Yuan Yuan shook his head and said, "I don't know when I started to like men."

He remembered the night they hid in the cabin in the quarry, was it that?No, it shouldn't be that day, it was just a sudden awakening that night, and this feeling has always been there.

Is it that day?The day when Tan Ruikang came over with a smile and stuffed the earphones into his ears?Nor is it.

Or the day he handed himself a picture album...

Numbly remembering in the distance, hearing a lonely child cry in his soul, is it that day?He remembered the moment when Tan Ruikang leaned against the courtyard wall and looked at him curiously.

"You're born with it." Yuan Yuan said, "I heard that homosexuality is hereditary. Brother, I want to go to sleep for a while, it will be fine after a while."

Tan Ruikang said: "Go to sleep, I will wake you up for dinner later."

"I don't want to eat." Yuan Yuan said, "Call me up for breakfast tomorrow."

He dragged his tired feet into the room, locked the door, and fell on the bed. For some reason, he didn't feel sad at all, but felt pain in the place where the glass punctured on his foot.

What to do, he started to fear, and he will never be able to face Tan Ruikang again, what will he do if Zhao Guogang finds out about this?

Tan Ruikang smoked cigarettes all night in the living room, made several phone calls to explain the company affairs, but did not go anywhere.

Waking up while sleeping in Yuanyuan, I heard Tan Ruikang cleaning up the broken coffee table in the middle of the night, with a dull pain in his feet following the sound. This feeling was very uncomfortable. He could neither sleep deeply nor wake up. He stood alone in the dream. No one came into the room to hold him to sleep.

As the night passed, Yuan Yuan's mind became quieter, and he still didn't have a definite solution, but his sense of fear gradually dissipated, and the matter was no longer as terrible as it was when it just happened yesterday afternoon.

Fortunately, Tan Ruikang stopped him and didn't let him go out, otherwise Yuanyuan might really do something unexpected.According to the mood yesterday, he might feel hopeless and run out and jump off a building or commit suicide by crashing a car.

But now when I wake up, everything is better.

He didn't want to go out to face Tan Ruikang, but he had to go out. He had to go to the bathroom, and he always had to face him, so he opened the door.

The living room has been tidied up, Tan Ruikang did not go back to his room, but was still sleeping on the sofa.

Yuan Yuan went to the toilet, approached Tan Ruikang, and wanted to touch him, but before touching him, Tan Ruikang woke up immediately.

A burst of sadness welled up in Yuan Yuan's heart. When he was sleeping with him before, Tan Ruikang was almost defenseless, and he couldn't wake up no matter what he did. Was he guarding himself?

"What time is it?" Tan Ruikang rubbed his eyes.

"05:30." Yuan Yuan said.

Tan Ruikang nodded and said, "Have you had enough sleep, Xiaoyuan?"

Yuanyuan said: "Well, let me make breakfast, what do you eat?"

Tan Ruikang said: "Brother will do it for you."

Yuanyuan's feet still hurt a little, so he sat down at the dining table and lay down on his stomach, while Tan Ruikang went to make him breakfast.

What should I do next?Yuan Yao repeatedly thought about this question, would Tan Ruikang pretend not to know?Like nothing happened?Both of them regarded what happened last night as a dream?

It might be good if it can be like this, but you have to keep a distance... You can't hug him or touch him. Yuanyuan knows that Tan Ruikang thinks homosexuality is disgusting, but he doesn't think he is disgusting anyway.He was both moved and sad, it was the tacit understanding they had buried deep in each other's lives long ago, what was sad was Tan Ruikang's reaction, which made him unable to find any excuse to escape.

Yuanyuan would rather Tan Ruikang hide from him, then he can leave naturally, but he doesn't, he wants to face this matter with Yuanyuan.There is nowhere to hide in the distance.

Tan Ruikang took out the breakfast and said, "Brother is going to Shantou today, there is a boss over there who wants to buy our lamps."

Yuan Yuan said, "What time do you go? How many sticks?"

Tan Ruikang: "Leave at 7 o'clock, [-] sticks. I try to go as early as possible and return early, and I will be back at five or six in the afternoon."

Yuan Yuan said: "Stop driving, ask a driver to take you there."

Tan Ruikang smiled and said, "It's okay, I've had enough sleep."

He looked a little tired, and after breakfast was laid out, Yuan Yuan was indeed very hungry, thinking that maybe even if this matter was exposed, what should he do in the future?

After a while, Tan Ruikang said: "You surf the Internet at home, don't think about it, it's nothing, don't go out."

Yuan Yuan: "Yeah."

Tan Ruikang said again: "It's good to say it, there is always a solution. Brother, I will go to the company for the next few days and go home to accompany you."

Tan Ruikang cleaned up the table, went to get his suit and got ready to go to work, and sat in front of the table blankly, looking at the cup of tea.

Tan Ruikang walked over, holding his suit jacket in one hand, stroked the distant forehead hair with his fingers in the other hand, leaned closer, and kissed his forehead lightly.

Yuan Yuan looked up at him in a daze.

"Xiaoyuan, brother loves you." Tan Ruikang said: "Everything can be solved, don't go to a dead end. I will come back as soon as possible."

Tan Ruikang left, Yaoyuan lay on the table, his mood was never calm, he felt as if he didn't love Tan Ruikang again.

That day, he didn't even turn on the computer, so he sat at home watching TV, pulled out the disc, watched Spirited Away, watched American blockbusters, and watched Harry Potter, which made him dizzy.Every time he sees a love scene in a movie, he can't help but think of himself, everyone is in love, only he is lonely.

Lying on the sofa and watching for a while, I fell asleep, half asleep and half awake, and didn’t eat lunch. Tan Ruikang came back after four o’clock, bought vegetables for him to cook, and the two talked about the company’s problems. Still very sober, he assisted Tan Ruikang to complete a decision. Tan Ruikang didn't mention homosexuality anymore, so he went to bed early at night.

Yuan Yuan couldn't sleep all night, and was about to suffer from a nervous breakdown. In the middle of the night, he got up to surf the Internet, looked for gay websites, and wanted to find someone to talk to. He heard Tan Ruikang say from the next door: "Xiao Yuan, you haven't slept yet?"

"Sleep right away." Yuan Yuan replied, turned off QQ, lay on the bed and tossed and turned.

A few days later, he felt much better, and felt that he was not so embarrassed anymore. Tan Ruikang stayed at home, didn't talk much, and didn't call anyone, just like when Zhao Guogang left home to get married, Tan Ruikang just stayed with him. With him at home, Yuanyuan gradually felt at ease.

Tan Ruikang was lying on the sofa reading a book, looked far away, and said, "Do you want to eat salad?"

Yuanyuan said: "I will do it myself."

Yuanyuan went to get a salad to eat, and noticed that Tan Ruikang bought a lot of books, probably a few days ago, all about psychological problems and homosexuality.

He has read all of these, Freud's "Sexology and the Psychology of Love", "Sexual Psychology" by British authors, "Neurological Psychology and Homosexuality" and so on.

Yuan Yuan went over with a salad, fed Tan Ruikang, and said, "I don't have AIDS, only promiscuous sex has AIDS. I have never slept with a man."

"I know." Tan Ruikang laughed and said, "I don't dislike you."

Yuanyuan took a book and flipped through it. He knew that Tan Ruikang was actively trying to help him and restore him to a normal person. Love him just as much.

There are many red lines drawn in the book, some interpretations about homosexuality, and extended meanings.Seeing from a distance men think that they are women's sexual inversions, pedophilia and other terms and definitions, there is a kind of unspeakable shame and pain.

Are you a man or a woman at heart?Yuan Yuan couldn't help thinking.

"I don't like little boys." Yuan Yuan said, "I'm not a child lover."

Tan Ruikang nodded, and Yuanyuan said: "I might prefer the kind of man who is more reliable, who can make me depend on. I have a habit of dependence, and I never grow up... I think it may be because my dad left me , suddenly I was alone, and then you treated me very well, really well, and I slowly fell in love with you."

Tan Ruikang sighed and said far away: "Brother, I thought you liked me too."

Tan Ruikang asked: "Why do you think so?"

Yuanyuan said the text message, looked into Tan Ruikang's eyes, and Tan Ruikang said: "At that time, I thought you were just joking. I didn't expect you to... no wonder, you took me to see Leslie Cheung's movie. You must have been very sad at that time. "

Tan Ruikang reached out and touched Yuanyuan's head.

Yuanyuan said: "Why did you delete that text message?"

Tan Ruikang said: "One day I flipped through it casually, and I was afraid that your sister's jokes would be deleted. I really didn't think so much. Hey."

Tan Ruikang sighed, and said, "It's all my fault. If I found out earlier... maybe I can adjust it in time."

Would it be helpful to find out sooner?Not far away at all.Even if it is adjusted, it is just that he no longer likes Tan Ruikang, and his affection for men is still there.

"That's right." Yao Yuan said, "Don't tell my dad."

"Of course not." Tan Ruikang said: "Don't worry, I won't tell him after he is cured."

Yuanyuan nodded, and sat down beside Tan Ruikang with his knees hugged. The little pig ran over and curled up at his feet.

"Brother, have you always regarded yourself as a girl?" Tan Ruikang asked, "Do you have any desire to be a girl in your heart?"

Yuan Yuan shook his head and said, "Probably not."

"You see a handsome boy." Tan Ruikang asked: "Will there be... sexual impulse?"

Yuanyuan said: "Sometimes there are, but I don't like them."

Tan Ruikang said: "What about the girls? Do you want to hug them, kiss them? Do you want to protect them?"

Yuanyuan said: "I don't want to, I don't want to think about it at all. I didn't seem to think much about Milk Girl before. How about you? Do you have such thoughts."

Tan Ruikang thought for a while, and replied: "Yes, normal men are a little protective, and want other girls...to rely on you and take care of them. To put it a bit exaggerated, they want girls...to worship me, big man Thought, more or less, has a little bit."

Yuan Yuan glanced at the little pig, touched its head, and Tan Ruikang said again: "Brother, you may just have not adjusted your psychological gender. Like this book said, you were hurt in the process of growing up in childhood. This kind of self-evasion and self-enclosure on the basis of independent personality, did not complete the most important step towards becoming a man...it is brother who protected you too well and did not let you accept too many setbacks."

Yuan Yuan smiled and said, "Anyone like you will be tempted."

Tan Ruikang said: "I want to make you happy. You are my younger brother. You are the only purpose of my life. My dad and I... have very little communication and no family... You are very important to my brother."

Yuan Yuan said, "Yes."

The two were silent for a while, and Yuanyuan said: "Can I still adjust my sexual orientation? I also want to be a normal person, and I want to get married and have children."

Tan Ruikang said: "Yes, I believe it is possible. Don't resist. Recognizing your own psychological problems is the first step to solving the problem."

Yuanyuan let out a tired breath and nodded.

"In the past few days." Tan Ruikang said: "You first adjust yourself, adjust your state, and when necessary..."

Yuan Yuan knew what he wanted to say, and said, "Okay, can I consult a psychiatrist?"

Tan Ruikang said: "Can you accept it, Xiaoyuan. I will go with you, don't be afraid."

Yuan Yuan nodded and said, "Okay, it's really possible."

Yuanyuan doesn't want to go on like this anymore, he also wants to be a normal person, he doesn't want to be a homosexual, he wants to marry a wife, get married, have children, and we all live together and return to the normal track.

Before that, the love for Tan Ruikang must be expelled first, and many unreasonable thoughts must be eliminated.

In the blink of an eye, Tan Ruikang made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The more he thought about it, the more afraid he became, and he didn't want to go, or he would rather go alone, or listen to the psychiatrist's analysis of why he became a homosexual in front of Tan Ruikang Sometimes, he will feel embarrassed and ashamed.

I went there at ten o'clock in the morning, and woke up at eight o'clock in the distance. I kept watching the time, as if I was waiting for a trial that must come.

This psychiatrist charges very expensive fees. Tan Ruikang asked someone to introduce one. He didn't talk about distant things, but only said that he needed decompression, consultation and adjustment.He originally intended to ask how to deal with this kind of thing, so he met with the doctor several times in advance, explained the situation in the distance in detail, and asked for his opinion.

In the end, the doctor suggested Yuanyuan to come and have a look, and Tan Ruikang went home to seek Yuanyuan's opinion.Yuanyuan nodded and agreed to watch.But before going out, he regretted it again.

Tan Ruikang said: "Brother, let's go."

Yuan Yuan put on his clothes and came out, feeling like he was about to be sentenced to death. The spring was bright and sunny, and it was another bright day. It was said that before death row inmates would notice many beauties that they hadn’t noticed before, perhaps Yuan Yuan’s mood right now so it is.He sat in the passenger seat and waited quietly for the verdict.

The psychiatrist said, "Your name is Xiaoyuan, right? Your brother told me about you."

Yuanyuan nodded, Tan Ruikang was a little nervous, and the psychiatrist said, "Go and get him a glass of water."

Tan Ruikang got up to pour water, the psychiatrist smiled and said: "Xiao Yuan, homosexuality is not a mental illness, don't be blindly pessimistic, your psychological burden is a bit heavy, don't be nervous."

"I know." Yuan Yuan knew himself very well, and he said to the psychiatrist: "The World Health Organization confirmed that homosexuality is no longer a mental disorder in 1992. China also excluded homosexuality from the group of mental patients in 2001."

The psychiatrist smiled and said, "You understand very well."

Yuan Yuan said: "I have been learning about myself before. Let's talk about the solution. What advice can you give me?"

The psychiatrist said: "What about yourself? What do you think about yourself? It doesn't matter, you can say whatever you want."

Tan Ruikang poured a glass of water and came back, Yuanyuan was silent.

He wanted to say that although he was gay, this social role was not too painful, but the trouble was that the person he fell in love with was his brother who was related by blood.

He glanced at Tan Ruikang and knew that he could not leave Tan Ruikang no matter what. Like Zhao Guogang, he had become an inseparable part of Yuan Yuan's life.Even if he goes to the ends of the earth, his imprints are all there.

"I want to go back to my normal...sexuality." Yuan Yuan said, "I have a headache, I don't know how to like a girl, I also want to get married, my brother and my father want me to live a normal life, I Dad doesn't know anything now."

"When did you start feeling for your brother?" The psychiatrist asked, "Mr. Tan, you... Let me think about it."

"It's okay." Yuan Yuan said, "Brother, sit down and don't need to go."

"He was very nice to me, at first I didn't like him at all, I thought he was dirty and stupid, but he was by my side no matter what, he was really patient, we read together and he was still in his bag I put an iron rod in it for fear that I would be bullied..."

"...my dad left as soon as he said he would, leaving me and my brother to live together..."

"...I was almost admitted to university, maybe I will be persuaded to quit..."

"... I don't know what I think these years. I can't leave him for a moment. When he is by my side, I feel very at ease and feel that life is very hopeful. When he is not with me, I feel It's pointless to do anything..."

Yuan Yuan spoke a lot in one breath, his speech was fast and a little trembling, he was confiding, as if Tan Ruikang was not by his side, and he was talking to the air alone.

He poured out all the attachments he had tossed and turned in these years, and the words he didn't dare to say in his heart. In the end, he gradually understood something. Countless pasts were crushed in his memory and thrown away little by little. Get out, and an almost hopeless emptiness ensues.

"That's it." Yuan Yuan let out a breath, with tears in his eyes, and he felt much better in his heart.

Tan Ruikang listened quietly that day, getting up from time to time to pour a glass of water, standing by the window of the room, staring blankly at the road outside, the psychiatrist didn't say much, and took notes most of the time.

In the end, the psychiatrist asked Yuan Yuan to make an appointment to come and see him in a few days.

Yuanyuan thinks he is very good, at least it is easier than facing Tan Ruikang. He wants to make friends with this psychiatrist and become a private doctor. Anyway, he can afford the money, and the other party feels very reliable.

But when he came out of the corridor and saw many people waiting in line, he realized that he was just one of the doctor's countless patients, very ordinary, very ordinary.Some of these patients may be depressed, some are manic, some are schizophrenic, some have hysteria, some have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and some want to commit suicide...

I am just a corner of this weird and bizarre society - a gay man who likes his brother.Homosexuality is a big deal for him and Tan Ruikang, but for others, it can only be exchanged for "Wow, no way, there are even such people".