mouth of truth

Some people say that youth is a hasty book——

Written in a hurry, hurriedly writing self-pity, hurting spring and autumn, writing down my anger at the world, cursing the world for ignoring me; bound poorly, I can't wait to put it in the library of the world , becoming one of the collections.

Some people say that youth is a piece of wild grass——

Running left and right, ever-changing, weird and elusive, too much random, excessive sloppy, what you do, don’t ask motives, don’t think about the future, just do what you can see and want, regardless of whether hurt yourself, hurt others.

Some people also say that youth is an unclear account——

Only remember the income, regardless of the expenditure, impulsively do everything that you think is right, obsessed, stubborn like a rock, even if the income and expenditure are not balanced in the end, you should be considered a person who is not frivolous and wasteful, and even proud of it.

Youth, there are too many metaphors, too many symbols, there are criticisms, praises, nostalgia, and betrayal——

But for Zhang Yuen, it's just a past that he doesn't want to face.

If possible, he wants to obliterate—everything in the past, what he has done to others, and what others have done to him, will be burned to ashes, torn into pieces, and recalculated.

In this way, he will not remember that he used to have a family that was not considered a family, nor that he was used as a chess piece, and he will not remember that even the object of his first love was used as a tool for revenge. Throw him aside and leave without even looking back.

Without these memories, he would not remember that he did many stupid things in order to get the care of his family, and in order to please his first love, he stole confidential data that hit his father's career, and he would not remember that when the Dong Chuang incident happened later, he was raped by his half-brother. When he was pushed to the ground, kicked, beaten, insulted, and finally kicked out of the house to rely on that person, the person who had promised to love him, take care of him, and take him out of that house after he was done just looked on coldly and said with a smile The Li family asked for everything, and he deserved it.

"Who told you that you are Li Yuanzhong's son, it's reasonable to pay off the father's debts." When he rushed to the man to question everything, he saw the man say this with a smile as usual. "Li Yang, this is just the beginning, not the end. Your Li family should also taste what it means to be poor and have nothing!"

Until that moment, he didn't know that the love he had was just an illusory calculation.I used to naively think that even if I don’t get the love of my family and I’m ridiculed because of my sexual orientation, at least I have that person by my side, who accepts and loves me.

For that person, he can do anything, including betraying the seller——19 years old, impulsive and absurd age, after years of hard work but still can't get the love of his family and decides to give up, he just wants to use all methods to hold on to the only warmth in front of him, hold on The man gave him a place.

It's just that he couldn't think of that place is also fake - the warmth he got from his first love is fake, the love he has is fake, none of his world is real, it's all fake.

Only unbearable pain is real—the pain of being ridiculed, beaten and scolded by father and brother, kicked out of the house, lost everything, abandoned... almost all happened on the same day, and the pain made him Give up on yourself once!

The invisible pain is in my heart; the visible pain is in——

Zhang Yuen wanted to touch his right hand subconsciously, but suddenly there was a sharp pain in his left arm.

"Hmm..." Pain stopped his movements and pulled him back to reality.What about the arm——"It hurts..."

The next moment, Zhang Yuen felt someone holding his right hand, and the warm touch was somewhat familiar.

Zhang Yuen slowly opened his eyes, gasping for breath when he saw the person beside the bed!

He saw Xi Jinxun sitting in a wheelchair by the bed, looking straight at himself.

"...Xun?"

"Are you sure you live together?" After filling out the patient number form and putting it back at the end of the bed, the bloody doctor couldn't help but say, "If you really lived together, why didn't you find out that he had low blood sugar, lack of sleep, nutrition, etc. Not good, have symptoms of fatigue?"

"Overworked?"

"Overwork, it's unbelievable that he's overworked at the age of 24." The doctor paused for a while and said, "Judging from the way you asked the hospital to transfer him to a private ward, I think you should attach great importance to him." ?”

"What do you mean?" Xi Jinxun stared at the doctor defensively, and almost instinctively glanced at the name tag pinned on his left chest - Fu Chengye, he remembered it.

Fu Chengye didn't seem to realize his displeasure, and still frowned: "If you value him so much, why didn't you notice his abnormalities? According to the functional examination, it is the result of long-term accumulation, how could you not notice it? At least you will find that he often has headaches and chest tightness, right?"

"..." Xi Jinxun was silent, because he had always seen Zhang Yuen in good spirits, never listless or depressed, let alone chest tightness and headache.

Because he had never seen it, Xi Jinxun never thought that he would suddenly collapse. He was more surprised than the doctor.

Seeing that he was silent, Dr. Fu became even more angry. "If you want to see him die suddenly from fatigue, just leave him alone, let him continue to live like this day and night—"

"I'll pay attention in the future."

That's about the same.Dr. Fu nodded to show that he heard, and his face was slightly pale. "When he wakes up, he can be discharged from the hospital after the drip is finished. After that, please pay attention at all times and remind him to rest more."

"I see." Xi Jinxun frowned, suddenly remembered something, and added: "Thank you."

"There's nothing to thank. It's my job to treat diseases. I'm sorry." Dr. Fu said very bluntly, ignoring Xi Jinxun's surprised gaze, and left calmly after speaking.

The door of the ward opened and closed. Xi Jinxun moved the wheelchair to the side of the bed, looked at the sleeping Zhang Yuen for a long time, and then pushed the joystick forward again until the armrest touched the mattress.

He leaned over, pressed his elbows on the mattress to support himself, and stared at the sleeping face. The slightly swollen eye bags and faint blue shadows under the long eyelashes were signs of exhaustion.

Why didn't you notice?Xi Jinxun asked himself.

Looking back at Zhang Yuen's face again, he suddenly felt a strange sense of disobedience.It seems that he has never seen Zhang Yuen listless.

He loosened his elbows and returned to the wheelchair, held Zhang Yuen's right hand, and pressed his palm against his cheek. Even in summer, his body temperature was still low, just like the person in his memory.

Xi Jinxun was not very clear about the car accident four years ago. He only vaguely knew that he was rescued. When he opened his eyes again, he found that he could not see anything, his whole body could not move, and the parts below his neck seemed to be dead and disappeared. He had a vague consciousness. Can't tell the difference between reality and fiction.

His sanity was in turmoil for nearly a year.

During that year, the only thing that was clear was the repeated pain that made him want to die countless times.

Half asleep, half awake, moaning in pain, time and time again with no end in sight, people around me coming and going, voices of conversations can be heard endlessly - the possibility of surviving, the chance of regaining sight, whether the legs can walk... Obviously talking about He, but no one is talking to him; less than [-]%, probably blind... The conclusions one after another are despair. I don’t know when I have to endure the despair that is the end. It really makes people very sad. wanna die.

Suddenly one day, he felt someone touching his face and talking to him—at the same time every day, that person would walk into his ward, touch his face with those hands that he could still feel, and use his hands that were as hoarse as stones The honed voice spoke to him.

The man said he would survive.

The man said he would be fine and move as well as before.

The man said that as long as you don't give up and stick to it, good things will happen.

The man also said... the foolish and useless encouragement that man said was too much to remember, but the self at that time survived by relying on these irrelevant scenes and words, and endured every difficult operation.

How many times have you woken up under the cold palm temperature of that person, and spent the morning and evening in that hoarse voice.Even if he was aphasic and unable to respond, that person never tired of it.

After a doctor's explanation, he realized that the man was deliberately talking to him, so that he could keep his brain functioning by listening and prolong his waking time.

"I don't want to go anywhere, you can't go anywhere, we are just a good pair." The hoarse voice said with a smile, mocking himself.

Whether he is awake or unconscious, that person is by his side and takes care of him.

That person has done so much for him, but he doesn’t even know his name, or even his appearance—the temporary blindness made him completely blind for more than a year. Although he gradually improved, he could see things clearly Before that, that person had left without saying goodbye.

Comes suddenly, disappears without warning.All that was left was the touch of that hand and the hoarse voice.

He couldn't forget that man.After losing his only family member, his elder brother, only the idea of ​​revenge remained in his mind, until that person appeared, accompanied him, encouraged him, and became his only sustenance in his most miserable and helpless time-how to forget Got it!

He misses that person, wants to see what that person looks like, wants to thank him face to face, wants to respond to every word that person once said to him, let him know how much he misses him, thinks that this thought turns into a An attachment close to love, longing madly, and in the end even in order to alleviate the pain and make myself feel better, I did not hesitate to seal up the memory related to that person, deceiving myself to forget it, until I met Zhang Yuen——

His hands were similar to that of the man's, and his enthusiasm and considerateness, which was almost that of a dick, was not far behind.

Impulsive, after understanding the reason why Zhang Yuen did this, he pushed the boat to keep him by his side; but...Xi Jinxun closed his eyelashes forcefully, leaving his past thoughts and returning to reality.

Lately he's been wondering if he's doing something wrong.

I thought that Zhang Yuen was more curious about him than he liked him, but his impulsiveness and sense of justice caused the trouble, and he was fed up with He Minhua's harassment, and he needed someone by his side to handle trivial matters for him and take care of Ningning—his reckless eagerness to help others Solve his many problems.

So when he found out why Zhang Yuen did what he did, he threw out the bait to lure him into the bait without even thinking about it, gave him a reasonable excuse to walk into his life, and gave himself a reasonable identity to use him; Think about the ending—either Zhang Yuen couldn't bear to take care of his disabled boyfriend and Ningning decided to pat his ass and leave, or he couldn't bear Zhang Yuen's meddling and decided to drive him away.It's just - the more we get along, the more familiar we are, the more we understand Zhang Yuen, a young man.

In this fast-food romance that he didn't think could last long, he meant it.

"I don't understand how you can do these things and pay so much for me and Ningning..." Xi Jinxun murmured.Seeing tears slipping from the corners of his eyes, she leaned over without thinking, and wiped them away with the back of her finger. "At first I was happy to see it happen, you really saved me a lot of trouble, but now—"

Because of him, he recalled the person's hands, the way he spoke, and his tone; but also because of him, at some point, he gradually overlapped the person in front of him.

"I'm a little afraid of you, you know? You are very similar to him, really similar..." As long as you close your eyes and feel his touch, you will feel excited that the person has returned to your side, but I was disillusioned when I heard the sound and touched the body, and I was extremely disappointed.

Because of Zhang Yuen, he recalled that he tried his best to search for the person but there was no news at all. Sometimes when he heard the friend who helped investigate in the United States report that he had not disappeared, and when he was upset, he would wish that Zhang Yuen was the person he was looking for.

Recently, I don't know when it started, when he found him disheartened, he would feel that the person didn't care as much as he did, that's why he left without saying goodbye back then.

He even thought of giving up for a while, telling himself not to cling to the past with no results, choose Zhang Yuen who is right in front of him, and forget about that person!

Although it was only once, he was indeed shaken...

The hand pressing on the side of the face moved, and Xi Jinxun came back to his senses and saw him slowly opening his eyes.

"... Xun?" Zhang Yuen, who just woke up, was still a little confused, looking around the ward with sleepy eyes. "What's wrong with me? Why am I lying here?"

"You suddenly passed out in the lobby."

"Me? Fainted?" Zhang Yuen showed an expression of disbelief. "How could I—"

"The doctor said that you have been overworked for a long time." Xi Jinxun said, turning the hand that was pressing on the cheek to his eyes, looking at the rough palm, his eyes flashed, and after a long silence, he said, "You must have two jobs?"

"Huh?" The topic changed so quickly that Zhang Yuen couldn't keep up.

"I quit my job at the PUB at night," he said.Thinking of being taught coldly by the doctor surnamed Fu just now, Xi Jinxun's brows were knotted, and he felt unhappy again. "Your life needs to be normal. The doctor said it just now and gave me a scolding, blaming me for not taking good care of you."

"Uh..." Which doctor is so enthusiastic?Zhang Yuen withdrew his right hand under the guise of touching his nose, and smiled awkwardly. "I am sorry to trouble you."

These words did not make Xi Jinxun feel better; on the contrary, he seemed to have noticed something, narrowed his eyes, and carefully looked at Zhang Yuen, who was half sitting up.

Or, to be more precise, when Zhang Yuen shrank into the quilt and withdrew his right hand, Xi Jinxun felt a little weird and uncoordinated in his heart. Hearing this sentence, the doubts in his heart were further confirmed.

Thinking about it carefully, he never hides his feelings for him at home, he is as enthusiastic and innocent as a child; but he never takes the initiative to get close to himself outside, unless he takes the initiative or out of necessity, otherwise he will not get too close to him, instead Pull a certain distance politely.

The inside and outside of the door are completely different.

In the past, he would think that this was a performance of proper recognition, but now, Xi Jinxun finds that he is not very sure that the other party's actions are properly controlled because of his nature.

He didn't miss the gasp when he woke up and saw himself just now, and he didn't miss the momentary astonished stare reaction, including joy, surprise, confusion, disbelief, and - horror.Why?

Zhang Yuen's reaction when he just woke up awakened Xi Jinxun's natural suspicion; realizing his deliberate life outside deepened his doubts about him.

Human nature is like this, once there is doubt, more doubts follow.Things that I didn't pay attention to or thought to be right in the past are interpreted from another angle and suddenly given a new interpretation.

It has been almost half a year since the two lived together, and he has never seen Zhang Yuen turn on him, act willfully, or ask him to do something for him as a lover——

No, he never said he was tired, complained, angry, or noisy, and only appeared when he needed him, almost flattering—Xi Jinxun's thoughts paused for a moment.

Only showing up when he needs him, almost ingratiating... is it possible?The reason why he worked day and night-could it be because of that?

"Why are you working two jobs?"

"Huh?" He looked surprised again.Zhang Yuen found that he had been in a state of surprise after waking up.

Before living together, the two made an agreement—living together but not interfering with each other, neither of them need to change for the other, just do what they want, there is no need to restrain each other just because two people are together.

Therefore, Xi Jinxun never interferes, and rarely asks about his affairs. He grasps the boundaries very accurately; unlike himself, he accidentally crosses the boundary and does more, and he cannot change it after repeated reminders.

Who taught him to always want to do something for this person, the more the better...

"Yu En," Xi Jinxun woke him up in a deep voice, urging him, "You haven't answered me yet."

"Eh, huh? Oh, no job, no money," he murmured. "I've been working like this before we got together, it hasn't changed."

"……How much do you want?"

"Clam?"

"I can give you as much as you want, as long as you quit your job at PUB." Xi Jinxun asked.

"That, that—" Zhang Yuen smiled wryly, never expecting to hear this sentence again. "Xun, I've said it before, when it comes to money, I don't want to uh... that feels uncomfortable."

"I know, but you're too tired. Still—" Xi Jinxun suddenly clasped his hand, carefully examining his reaction when he heard his next words. "You deliberately?"

The hand in the palm trembled. "What?"

really. "I'm going to file for resignation tomorrow."

"Xun..." The young face showed a embarrassed expression at the moment. "We agreed not to interfere with each other, we don't have to change for each other, and do what we want to do—usually you remind me, but this time it's rare for me to remind you."

"It's my legs that are disabled, not my brain." Rui Mou looked at him coldly. The injured tiger is still a tiger and will not become a sick cat. Men who usually hide their claws are not easy to get close to. Once they stretch out With sharp claws, the momentum speaks for itself. "Gu Youyou said that his tricks can't handle me. Do I have to say it clearly?"

"Say, say what?"

"You're working two jobs to spend less time at home - need I be more specific?"

Zhang Yuen's suddenly pale face and shocked expression was the most honest answer.

He should have noticed it earlier, but subconsciously ignored the details because he enjoyed the convenience brought by his method.

The time Zhang Yuen stays at home, after deducting his sleeping and working time, three meals, pick-up, Ning Ning's homework, his rehabilitation, muscle massage - all when he or Ning Ning needs him, and when he was hired before. The hourly nanny and housewife is exactly the same!

What does this person see himself as?What do you think he took him for?The dantian was on fire, and the angry man was furious unconsciously because of his favor. He completely forgot that he had said to his friend a few months ago, "There is no one who is better to be manipulated than an emotional and determined person."

"How is it possible," Zhang Yuen laughed dryly. "Don't think too much, I really need—"

"I'll give you! How much?" Xi Jinxun said in a more serious tone. "Hundreds of thousands? Millions? Or more? Tell me, don't worry that I can't afford it."

Zhang Yuen panicked, he didn't expect that he would suddenly become serious about this topic.

During the time spent together, he knew very well how difficult it would be for this man to communicate once he became stubborn. From the interaction between him and Ningning, he knew that the two uncles and nephews with similar personalities often fought coldly over trivial matters in life, and he had to coordinate in the middle.

If Zhang Yuen can tell the exact number immediately, Xi Jinxun may believe his rhetoric of using money to be anxious.

But he didn't, and after waiting a few minutes, he still didn't hear any numbers from him.

Xi Jinxun took a deep breath to ease his breathing, and Ji Yan tentatively said, "Yu En, I hate others to lie to me the most. You shouldn't have anything to lie to—or hide from me, right?"

"No, no—it's strange..." Zhang Yuen drooped his shoulders in frustration. "Well, I admit that I need money. After all, money is needed in life, but it doesn't have to be like this. I did it on purpose—I promise you, I will mention it to the boss when I go to work today. resignation, but it may take a while until the boss finds someone to replace me, okay?"

"That's not the point." The indescribable irritability is like a bug buzzing around in front of your eyes. Although it doesn't bite, it can easily make people feel impatient. "What I want to know is why!"

"...Do you really want to know?"

"Why don't you ask me?"

Zhang Yuen once again wanted to retract his trapped right hand to adjust his half-lying position, but the other party tightened his grip and held on tightly.

To be honest, Xi Jinxun's words and deeds puzzled him.He couldn't figure out what was going on in his heart at all, but was disturbed by a pair of sharp eyes.

"I don't have much patience." The suppressed voice revealed his impatience. "What on earth are you doing this for?"

Zhang Yuen lowered his head. "I thought you wouldn't notice..." Glancing at him secretly, seeing his serious face turned livid, he realized that he had said something wrong, and hurriedly corrected it: "I mean you're busy—"

"Important!" Since when did this guy talk like Ningning without the point?

"I like you, I really like-"

"You've said it many times, but it has nothing to do with what we're talking about. Don't talk about him."

"How could it be okay..." Zhang Yuen smiled wryly. "It's because I really like it that I found out——"

Xi Jinxun realized that his breathing stopped following the other party's long-drawn-out voice, as if he was waiting for something, but he contradictoryly didn't want to hear it.

But he refused to allow himself to be so damn vulnerable. "What did you find?"

It seems that I can't say no...

His right hand was trapped, so Zhang Yuen raised his left hand to caress the back of his neck, his expression was embarrassing and difficult, he muttered for a while, and finally said:

"You may need me, but you don't like me."

She raised her eyes timidly, and saw him staring at herself in surprise.

"There's no reason why you don't even know whether the person you like likes you or not." He shrugged, and Xi Jinxun's "how do you know" expression made him wonder whether to cry or laugh. "Being used or being used as a stand-in—anyway, it's because of this that I want to adjust my working hours so that it doesn't affect you as much as possible. Hmm... I thought this would make you feel more comfortable, and let you recover and take care of your body. , After all, it takes some time to get used to having one more person in the family, and it will definitely feel strange at first, and I have this feeling too—I mean, I also need time to get used to your environment.”

Your family...Xi Jinxun sensitively caught the language problem.He said "your home"?

In other words, he didn't call his place his home, not in the first place.

"I don't care!" Zhang Yuen, who didn't know that he was thinking about this matter, saw his face getting more and more serious, and explained nervously: "This is my own decision, and it has nothing to do with anyone! Originally, I was thinking about it all the time. Helping you and Ningning, besides, you are willing to accept me, I am lucky enough—wow!?” Why did he hug him suddenly! ? "Xun?" Zhang Yuen patted the side of the man who suddenly pulled him to bend down and pressed his head into his neck.

"...Where did you come from to be such an idiot?" Why did you cooperate with him to such an extent and do so much for him! ?It's hard to describe what kind of mood I am at this moment, after hearing what he said and knowing everything he compromised for himself, but—"Damn it, you better not do these stupid things because you sympathize with me!" If so, he must will strangle him!

"How is it possible, and you don't need it—and, it's not a stupid thing." Zhang Yuen was no longer in a hurry to break away, and the voice muffled in his shoulder was filled with a smile. "It's a blessing to be able to do something for someone you like."

Xi Jinxun suddenly remembered the advertisement of a well-known LCD TV brand. "Then what is your luxurious happiness?"

"Of course, the person you like also likes you and responds to your feelings. That is an extremely luxurious happiness." He joked, trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere at the moment, and suddenly thought of what he seemed to be asking for by saying this , quickly added: "I know very well that this kind of thing cannot be forced, so don't take it to heart, as long as it is the same as before."

How could it be the same as before... Xi Jinxun let go and let Zhang Yuen be free.

After a long silence, he spoke:

"There is someone in my heart. I have been looking for him for a long time but I still can't find him. Up to now, I still want to find him, but is it because I am paranoid or my feelings for him make me want to do this—" Xi Jinxun is not sure He said that this was the first time that he mentioned to others his feelings for the person who saved him back then. "I don't know. But—Yuen, I want to try the possibility with you."

"Xun?" Zhang Yuen couldn't believe his ears.

What did he just say?

The man smiled, clenched his hand, and spoke again with more certainty:

"I also want to see the supremely luxurious happiness you mentioned."

He spoke with the usual arrogant and serious expression, but the faintly red ears revealed his awkward nervousness.

Zhang Yuen didn't know how to react. He didn't expect to hear these words from him at all, and he couldn't believe that he could get so much.

Should I tell him?

Even if what he just said didn't come true in the end, it would be luxurious happiness to him, and he was already very satisfied.

He won't think about the rest, and won't make too many extravagant expectations.

That's enough, really.