Forever No.1

"Happy New Year, I wish you good health and good luck in everything."

"Shide is so good, come here, here is this red envelope for you, please listen to your father and mother obediently." "Well, thank you uncle and aunt."

"Oh, Shouyi has grown taller again! He's really getting more and more handsome. He's going to be admitted to university this year. Come on, after he is admitted to medical school, he will be the future heir of the hospital."

"Thank you auntie."

New Year's Eve is a day for family reunion.Standing at the open gate, Pei Shouyi and his parents welcomed the relatives and invited guests who came to the house for the New Year's Eve dinner.

During dinner, the specially invited catering team kept busy in the open kitchen. Every time the chef prepared a dish, the service staff immediately brought the hot food to the table.

Although the price of hiring a professional team to serve is not cheap, eating New Year’s Eve dinner at home is more festive than booking a box in a restaurant.

In a restaurant that can accommodate 20 people, the elders sat at one table, and the younger generations sat at the same table, having a lively reunion dinner. The topics ranged from wishing each other good health and success in their careers to the children's academic and performance status.At times like this, it was inevitable to mention Pei Shouyi, the child with the best grades among the juniors.

"The dean is really blessed. Shouyi will definitely be admitted to the Department of Medicine of T University. It's great. Unlike my son, I will go to the temple to fulfill my wish if I can be admitted to a national university in the future."

A male guest who is a professor at the School of Medicine of University T raised his glass and praised Mother Pei, who is the dean of the hospital.The junior high school student who came with his father glared at the boy who ate at the same table as him, making him always an inferior boy since he was a child.

Mother Pei covered the corners of her mouth with her hands, and said proudly, "I don't know if I can pass the exam. If I do, I'll have to ask Professor Zhang for more advice in the next few years."

"Definitely, I can only wish for an outstanding student like Shouyi."

Mother Pei raised her wine glass, toasted her son's future supervisor, and smiled: "Then thank you professor first."

"Dean, you are too polite."

The 17-year-old boy who was the protagonist of the topic didn't say a word from the beginning to the end, but just ate the dishes on the table silently.Although the children at the same table were also playing and chatting with each other, none of them dared to talk to this expressionless brother.

"Pei Shouyi, it's been more than half an hour, still eat?"

Father Pei, who was sitting at the main table, suddenly darkened, slapped the chopsticks on the table, and said seriously to his son who was still eating, regardless of whether there were other guests beside him.

The person named put down the bowls and chopsticks and retreated from the chair with a cold expression, like a robot receiving instructions, stood up and bowed to the elders and guests, and said in a flat voice: "Happy New Year, I will go back to my room when I am full. "

"Eat, eat, eat, only eat, do you think you are a pig? Even if your grades have regressed, you still have the face to eat."

Ignoring his father's contemptuous and sarcastic insults in front of his relatives and guests, the boy turned his back to the silent dining room, and returned to his room under the embarrassing eyes of others.He pulled out a chair and sat in front of the desk, opened the exam content that he had reviewed halfway before, and continued to practice various difficult archaeological questions.

"Brother Shouyi..."

All of this was seen by the seven-year-old boy.

The boy looked at Pei Shouyi leaving, as if nothing happened? The adults who continued to chat, looked at the half-eaten New Year's Eve dinner that was slowly cooling down in the bowls and plates, and shouted loudly. Brother's name.

***

In the final exam before the end of the semester, he became the No.2 in the school by a very large gap, even if he was still No.1 forever in the class, but such a result was a failure in the eyes of his parents.

The authoritative father in the medical field and the mother of the director of a large hospital made him bear the expectations of his parents since he had such a "report card" from the first grade of elementary school.Regardless of competition or test results, "Pei Shouyi" is not allowed to be in a position other than No.1.

Once he fails, he will have to face endless ridicule and humiliation, and the more people watching, the more cruel his father's humiliation will be, until he returns to No.1 on the ranking list.

Just like being handcuffed with iron chains in a scenic spot in Thailand? Elephants who hunch tourists through the jungle day and night, even if the chains are worn out and the skin oozes blood and pustules, they can only bow their heads and bear it, otherwise the mahout They will be beaten mercilessly with a whip.

The only time of resistance was the final exam before the graduation trip of the third year of junior high school.

Looking at the report card that fell below [-]% due to negligence and omissions, I thought that if my father saw such a score, he would never sign the parental consent form for the graduation trip. The opportunity for friends to travel will disappear.

So I went into the shop where the seals were carved, secretly carved the seal of the class teacher, and stamped it on the fake report card printed by the printer.In this way, he successfully deceived his father's signature, and then imitated his father's handwriting to sign the real report card.

I thought I could fool my father and mother by doing this, and then successfully got them to sign the parental consent form. I didn’t expect that a week after the report card was sent out, my mother went to the school to attend the parent meeting, and the class teacher asked him that his grades had dropped. The reason for the fake report card was thus exposed.

After returning home, his father called him over, put the real report card on the table, and said coldly...

'I asked for a leave of absence from the teacher for your graduation trip, and I will ask for a tutor for you for a few days, so you can study hard at home. '

'dad!But I promised my classmates───」

For three whole years, he either attended classes or went to cram school? Either went to cram school or went home to make up lessons with tutors. He never went out for a meal with his friends, let alone asked him to go out to play together. He finally waited until the graduation trip Opportunity, that was the only chance he could get away from home to catch his breath and make good memories with his friends.

But it was completely obliterated by his father's words.

'dad!I beg you, I'm sorry I was wrong, please let me...'

First revolt? First time kneeling down to father...

Crying and apologizing? Crying that he was wrong? Crying and promising no matter how many tutoring lessons he will take after graduation? Parental consent form for travel stamped with consent.

But was rejected indifferently.

'A trash who can't even pass the exam is not qualified to negotiate terms with me. '

'dad……'

'I'm all for your own good, and you'll appreciate me when you grow up. '

'...'

Therefore, he was not included in the photos of the graduation trip, and he was not included in the graduation yearbook except for the headshots of every classmate.and.West.group.hate.

Because he only has countless awards, and the No.1 report card that makes other parents envious? Enough to cover several walls.

But there are no photos of life, and no photos taken with classmates.

knock knock!

"Brother Shouyi, can I come in?"

The little boy standing in the corridor knocked on the locked door and asked cautiously.

Pei Shou walked to the door together, opened the door, looked at his cousin who was ten years younger than him, and asked, "What are you doing here?"

Gao Shide held up the storybook on his chest and raised his face: "Can I read in my brother's room? I will stay in the corner obediently and not disturb my brother's reading, is that okay?"

I wanted to refuse, but I didn't want the face-saving parents to use this as an excuse, and then embarrass myself in front of the guests, so I had to let my little cousin into the room.

The boy did as he said, sitting cross-legged in the corner farthest from the desk, opened the storybook he brought, and read it without making a fuss.

After that, this little cousin often came to see him at home, saying that he would ask his brother to teach him his homework.

This reason made his father very satisfied, and Gao Shide was also a good boy with excellent grades, so he agreed to let Pei Shouyi be his little cousin's tutor.

Once? Twice? Three times...

Until Gao Shide walked into his room for the fourth time, Pei Shouyi couldn't bear it any longer, turned to face his little cousin who was obediently doing homework on a table in the corner, and asked, "You obviously don't need me to teach you homework, why? Come to my house again?"

Why doesn't this kid keep a polite but distant distance from him like everyone else?

The little boy put down the pencil, looked up at Pei Shouyi who was ten years older than him, and said seriously:

"With me here, brother won't be alone."

"Who is lonely───"

The sudden stop of the voice made those who originally wanted to refute frown.

"Lonely... alone... alone?"

Pei Shouyi kept repeating these two words, as if there was a hole in his chest that only he could see, and that hole was slowly spreading to other places.

***

amusement park

"Brother Shouyi, look!"

In the name of thanking his elder brother Shouyi for allowing him to pass the No.1 exam, the clever little boy got Pei Shouyi's parents to agree to let his cousin take him to the amusement park.

Gao Shide held his cousin's hand, pointed to the carousel where many children were playing, and said happily: "Let's go to play too."

"Ah."

Pei Shouyi took out his wallet, took out a thousand yuan bill from it, and handed it to the ticket window. He exchanged the bill for game currency, and was dragged by his little cousin to the back of the queue.

"Are you still unhappy?"

The boy shook the hand he was holding, and looked up at his cousin.

"So you lied and brought me here just to make me feel happy?" "Yes!"

Pei Shouyi sighed, squatted on the ground and looked at his cheerful little cousin, envious of his smile that he didn't lose even in the face of his parents' divorce, touched the top of his head and said.

"It's useless, I really can't feel it."

Ever since he first told Gao Shide that he didn't know what happiness is, the little guy has used various methods to make him feel happy.

Bought fun things? Bring your favorite storybook? Give him the cake you can’t bear to eat? Share the jokes your classmates told you. Care, care whether he is happy or not?Care if he is happy soon?

These……

Even the father and mother who gave birth to him don't care.

Gao Shide looked at his elder brother's face, his eyes blushed, because Pei Shouyi had the exact same expression on Pei Shouyi's face after his mother decided to divorce his father.

Exactly the same expression with a smile taken away.

The little boy looked at his cousin squatting in front of him, clenched his fists and said seriously: "It's okay, next time we go to the zoo to play, seeing cute animals will definitely make Brother Shouyi feel happy, for sure!"

"Ah."

Pei Shouyi curled the corners of his mouth, imitating the expression that normal people would make at this time, and responded with a fake smile.

As long as there are still people who are willing to work hard for him, then he is willing to continue to work hard... Try to play a normal person who can cry and laugh, and has emotions.

Hospital

"No! Impossible! How could my son have an affective disorder? His grades are still No.1 in the school, and he was admitted to the medical department of T University, which has an acceptance rate of less than [-]%. How could he be an affective disorder? ?”

The woman grabbed the doctor's white robe and roared hysterically in the clinic room where there were only three people.

"Dean, the young master is indeed an emotional disorder, and it is the emotional apathy in the emotional disorder."

The director of the Department of Cardiology tried to use a calm tone to explain the diagnosis of Pei Shouyi after several months of psychological counseling to the woman who is both the dean and the mother.

"..."

In the consultation room, Pei Shouyi was sitting on the waiting bench, looking at the nervous psychiatrist? Looking at the screaming and scolding mother, as if everything in front of him had nothing to do with him. He was just watching the farce without feeling anything. Watching the performance of the mother and the doctor.

'Shide, I don't feel happy. '

This sentence is the origin of all things.

At first, he wondered why his little cousin laughed when he saw a certain clip of the animation, but the same picture was just a picture in his eyes, without any feeling.

Afterwards, he seemed to be exploring an unsolvable problem, constantly grasping Gao Shide and asking... Shide, why are you happy?

Shide, why are you depressed?

Why are you shy?

Why fear?

Because he realized that something was wrong with him, all emotions in his world were insulated, so insulated that he couldn't feel it.Only through the only little cousin who will approach him, through the only little cousin who will take the trouble to answer his questions, struggling to understand the emotions that human beings should have, struggling, wanting to be a person who will not be regarded as a different kind- ──Normal people.

Distorted growth environment? Oppressive education method? Humiliation and sarcasm scolding, every reason is like steam accumulating in a pressure cooker, and when he is sure that his name appears on the list of medical departments of T University, the accumulation is on the verge of exploding critical point.

At the dinner party where the parents invited relatives to celebrate, when the father and mother proudly announced that their son was admitted to the Department of Medicine of T University, he passed out in front of everyone and was sent to a large hospital run by his mother, where he lay on the hospital bed. For half a month.

For half a month, no matter what equipment was used to detect, he could not find any physical symptoms, until the intervention of the psychosomatic doctor, after half a year of consultation, it was determined that his heart was sick.

Affective disorder

Affective disorder is the name of his disease; apathy is a branch of his mental illness.

Patients with affective disorders lack corresponding emotional responses to external stimuli, lack self-confidence? pride, shame? self-blame, but patients themselves are usually not aware of their emotional poverty.

Normal people will choke up when they see the person next to them crying; their friends will feel sympathy when they are sick.However, people with emotional disorders seem to have nothing to do with everything. They don’t pass toilet paper to sad and crying people? Ask for help.

Normal people think that such people are emotionless and cold-blooded, and put all kinds of abnormal labels on them, but ignore that they are just excluded by the high emotional wall and are psychologically disabled patients.

"Dean, calm down. Apart from medication, the most important thing is..." The chief doctor glanced at the big boy sitting on the bench with an indifferent face. After hesitating for a moment, he sighed and persuaded: "Dean, you also know , for patients suffering from emotional disorders, drug treatment is only an auxiliary, not a permanent cure, and the most important thing is to reduce the source of psychological stress, such as --- the requirements for grades."

As a staff member and attending physician, he has heard about the affairs of the dean's house to some extent. Although he feels sorry for the outstanding children who are forced to close their hearts, as an outsider, he can't do anything about it.But he never expected that the child would still walk into his clinic and become a patient in need of treatment.

"Don't talk nonsense! My son is not sick! My son is not sick!"

Mother Pei pushed the attending doctor away, rushed to Pei Shouyi, grabbed his arm, trying to drag him out of the clinic.

"Calm down, Dean, and listen to me."

"What pressure? My son is so good, how can there be pressure? Laughing dead, thanks to the authority of the physical and mental department, you actually said that my son has a problem. How can my son have a problem? No, absolutely not."

Mother Pei frantically wanted to pull Pei Shouyi up from the chair, while angrily yelling at the doctor in her hospital: "Shouyi, go with mom, mom will take you to see other doctors, you can't be mentally ill. The problem, it must be a physical condition, it must be."

Pei Shouyi coldly flicked his mother's finger on his arm, stood up slowly, and looked at him with the expression he "learned" by observing the reactions of other people, raising the corners of his mouth and imitating the smile of a normal person. attending physician.

"Thank you doctor, thank you for expressing the doubts in my heart."

Over the years, like an actor with a bad foot, he tried hard to pretend to be a normal person.

When should you laugh?

When is it time to be sad?

When should I speak words of comfort?

When do you have to hand out toilet paper and give it to someone who's crying?

Through repeated practice, let the smart brain write down one by one.

To this day, the "abnormality" in him has finally received a medical answer───

AffectiveDisorde, affective disorder.

"Mom, thank you for raising me. When I go back, thank Dad for me, thank him for enabling me to support myself."

On Pei Shouyi's face, there was relief after solving his doubts. He held his mother's hand and smiled fakely at her.

"Shouyi, what are you talking about? Mom doesn't understand."

Mother Pei was keenly aware of her son's strangeness, she panicked, she was afraid, the Pei Shouyi in front of her was completely different from what she had seen before.

"What you want, always be No.1 son, I am so tired, I don't want to pretend anymore. I will remit the living expenses for raising me to your account every month. Starting today, I will leave home for a while. people live."

He will never be a normal person as long as he lives under the same roof as those parents who put face above everything else.

Forever, afraid that I can't always be good; always, I will be humiliated in public; never, I can't be the best child in the eyes of my parents.

When Mother Pei heard what her son said, her face turned livid, and she threatened with a ferocious expression: "You think you can finish your studies as a college student? Will you be able to find a high-paying job in the future? Without me, without your father, you can't do anything."

"Maybe, but at least I can live like a human being instead of an elephant enslaved." "What elephant?"

"Mom, do you remember that when we were very young, our family traveled to Thailand. At that time, we saw an elephant chained and forced to carry tourists."

Even if the thick skin is worn and festered by the chains, you must continue to work, otherwise you will be beaten like an elephant.

"For so many years, I have been the elephant, carrying the face of you and Dad, and the expectation of constantly raising the standard line. Now I am tired, and I don't want to continue to bear it. Anyway, Dad said it, a son who is not good. He would rather not. Now even the doctor says there is something wrong with me, in my father's eyes, my son might as well die."

Pei Shou opened his arms and hugged his mother tightly for the last time. He hugged the mother who always wore an elegant suit, stepped on high heels, and walked proudly among the crowd.

"Mom, I'm leaving, you have to take good care of yourselves in the future."

Then he let go of his hand and walked towards the door.

"Shouyi... Shouyi, you come back..."

"Mom, the Chinese New Year will be in two months. I can finally have a good New Year's Eve dinner that won't get cold. It's great."

After finishing speaking, he pushed open the door and walked out of the warm-colored clinic. Inside the slowly closed door, his mother's voice of anger and pleading could be heard...

"No! Pei Shouyi, come back to me! Come back!"

***

After that, he left the home where he had lived since he was a child, and moved outside and rented a suite as a place to stay.

With the halo of top students in the medical department of T University, he has no worries about finding a job as a tutor.The student's parents are also willing to pay a higher hourly salary to hire him as their child's tutor, as if as long as they do so, their child can become a medical student of T University just like Mr. Pei.

In this way, he completed his medical school studies part-time with the salary of a tutor, successfully obtained a doctor's license, and then served as a school doctor in a high school under the recommendation of his seniors.

"Ah────The school doctor doesn't want to───」

"Fight again! If you dare to fight, stop screaming here!"

"Woooo..."

Because of conflicts with students from other classes, the male students who turned into gang fights, sat in front of Pei Shouyi one by one, and were drugged obediently by the unscrupulous school doctor.

"You are not allowed to touch the water for two weeks. Whoever dares to fester the wound is waiting to be beaten by me. Do you understand?"

"I know, I know."

"Also, what should I say?"

"Thank you, the school doctor."

"get out!"

"Oh yeah, thank you doctor."

After the boys who bandaged their wounds shouted this sentence, they fled the health center as quickly as possible.There was only one person, like a vehicle driving in the opposite direction. When everyone was fleeing outside, he walked into Pei Shouyi's territory foolishly with a bowl of freshly made instant noodles. asked happily.

"Instant noodles, do you want to eat?"

***

university, health center

Pei Shouyi looked at the mug on the table with a corner missing, and remembered the culprit who broke the mug.In the high school where he was a school doctor before, there was a child named Yu Zhenxuan. Not only was he not afraid of him, but he often went to the health center to steal the instant noodles he hid in the human body specimens. No matter how many times he tried to stop him, it was useless.

"That child should grow up well!"

Pei Shouyi smiled, put the mug gently into the drawer, got up and walked to the door with the leather bag in hand, locked the door, and left the health center located on the university campus.

【Finish】