Sea King's Self-cultivation

The word "Saxi" flashed across Xingxing's mind like a flash of lightning, and she finally connected the girl with pink hair in front of her with the short little sister "Shimizu Saxi" in her memory.

What they said kept echoing in her mind.

【"Our family used to be unable to make a living in business. We borrowed usury from the mafia organization here and couldn't pay it back."】

【"At that time, they used the excuse of going abroad to travel and suspended animation on a cruise ship to get away. How dare they come back now?"】

【"Oh, don't worry about her. Anyway, she must think that we are dead, and we won't see each other in the future. She still has nothing to do with us."】

...that's what happened.

It turned out to be the case.

So in fact, there was no accident at all, and the father, mother, and sister never died in the sea during the trip. It turned out that everything was just to avoid usury and the fake death plan to avoid being troubled by the mafia organization.

When she was sad because of their death, when she had to drop out of school because of being forced by loan sharks, when she worked all over the world to pay off her debts... It turned out that they had already started a new life abroad. life, even better and better, with sufficient assets to pay off debts.

Those were not the money that she was supposed to repay.

Did they ever think about how helpless she would be if she was left alone to face the loan sharks?

Have they considered for a second what kind of treatment she would receive if she didn't pay the money?

Have they ever thought that she was just a minor who had just entered high school at that time?

After so many years, they have made a comeback and have rich assets. Once they wanted to come back to see her... Even if it wasn't to see if she was doing well, even if it was just to confirm whether she was alive or not?

No.

No worries, no guilt, no apologies.

All that was left was a fluffy "Leave her alone".

Xingxing didn't know how she got home in the end.

It turned out that Osamu Dazai was not the only one who lied to her, she had already lived in a huge deception long before meeting him.

What did she do wrong?

Why did everyone, everyone close to her, treat her like this?

After coaxing the baby to sleep, Xingxing drank a lot of wine and was almost unconscious.

She can't wake up.

Waking up is painful.

Xingxing had a dream that night.

She dreamed of Osamu Dazai.

As a bystander.

It turned out that Mr. Dazai in another world had a good friend, but that friend died in the battle organized by the two parties, which became his eternal regret.

She dreamed of Mr. Dazai's painful struggle in this world, and all his efforts to save his friends.

It turned out that his choice of death was a last resort, and it turned out that everything was to protect the world, to create a world where friends could realize their life dreams with peace of mind.

In his perspective, there is no place for her.

It wasn't until the end that Xingxing heard his voice faintly, as if he was talking to someone.

"...I know very well that Xing is a girl who can't live without me."

"No one will wait for someone forever. Don't you mind at all if she remarries in the future and falls into the arms of other men?"

"It's ok."

"I do not mind."

The dream ends here.

Xingxing tightly closed her eyes, not daring to open them a little bit, she was afraid that the next second she opened her eyes, tears would burst into tears.

Everything is clear now.

Everything is clear.

He chose to die, chose to leave her, and there was indeed some secret behind it.It's just that that "hidden love" is for the world, for friends, for what is important to him, and has nothing to do with her from the beginning to the end.He clearly knew that losing him would make her extremely sad and difficult to live on, but he still chose to abandon her mercilessly for the people and things that were more important to him. Then she married someone else and fell into the arms of another man.

In Osamu Dazai's world, Shimizu Xing has never been an important existence, and neither is the child she conceived.To him, she seemed to be just a condiment chosen out of boredom in the execution of his long plan. Although she was named his wife, she was actually no different from a stranger.

Xingxing didn't know why she felt such pain, it was so painful that she could hardly breathe, every breath was tearing pain, like someone who was about to drown to death.It shouldn't be this painful, should it?She should have realized that he had more important things when he left her and disappeared, and she should have understood that she and the child were nothing to him when he resolutely chose to die. It was only now that she belatedly realized——

...he doesn't love her.

He doesn't love her at all.

She covered her eyes with her backhand, and in the silent darkness, there were shining drops of water sliding down her face.

[Do you want to do it all over again? 】

When dreams and reality alternated, she seemed to faintly hear a heartbeat coming into her mind.

Xingxing woke up on the bed.

The sunshine outside the window is just right, and the white gauze curtains are shaking gently under the breeze. The yard outside the window is full of pink and white cherry blossoms, and butterflies shuttle among the flowers and leaves, creating a vibrant scene.

She looked at the date on the wall, feeling a little dazed.

Is this still a dream?

How could she wake up overnight and go back to four years ago?

It was still a familiar house, everything familiar, her and Dazai's clothes were hanging in the closet, but there was no trace of the baby's life in the small room.

[Do you want to do it all over again? 】

The voice she heard before coma seemed to really send her back to the past.

The time when she came back seemed to be shortly after she married Dazai and before she was pregnant.

He's not at home now, probably at work.

If it was before today, even if it was just a second before knowing the truth, before sending her back to Dazai's death, she would be ecstatic and try every means to prevent his death.

But now, now that she knows the truth——

All that was left in her heart was unparalleled exhaustion and sadness.

There will be no result.

Xingxing clearly understands that there will be no results.

His death was for the world, for his friends, and for everything that was important to him. He was so calm and decisive, how could he stay for her and the child?

Even if she tried all methods and means, even if she knelt down to beg him, it was impossible to shake his determination.

But it's self-inflicted humiliation.

It's time to end, right now, luckily they don't have kids yet.

The phone rang, and Xingxing pressed the answer button.

"Xingxing, are you feeling better? I left the cold medicine in the living room before I left, don't forget to take it."

The voice she hadn't heard for four years on the opposite side rang in her ears again, Xing Xing didn't expect that she would be so calm, like the calmness of ashes left after being burned by a flame.

She even responded with a slight smile: "Well, good."

"Xing?" Osamu Dazai was silent for a while, "...are you crying?"

"what happened?"

Xingxing didn't answer his words, in a blurred vision, she just maintained a smile on the corner of her mouth, her voice was too soft to be detected.

"Mr. Dazai..."

"Let's get a divorce."

There were not many things that belonged to her, so when she left home, Xingxing didn't bring much luggage.

She didn't wait for Dazai to come back before saying goodbye.

After dragging her luggage and leaving, Xingxing didn't know where else she could go.

She has no relatives, no close friends, no one who can rush to disturb her after quarreling with her husband.

She has lived in Yokohama for so many years, but she is still only one person.

Xing Xing walked aimlessly on the street and came to Yamashita Park unknowingly.

On both sides of the brick road are tall ginkgo trees arranged neatly. Once the wind passes, the newly born ginkgo leaves dance under the warm sun in early autumn, like a bunch of wind chimes. sound.The leaves from the branches rustled and fell, spinning and rolling, and fell gently on her body.

On the green grass, children holding kites are chasing and playing, and the gray-haired old man is sitting leisurely on the wooden bench by the roadside, watching the gray-white seabirds hovering over the blue coastline. wings.

Among the many parents who brought their children to play, she saw a familiar yet unfamiliar figure.

The man's daughter was about eleven or twelve years old. She was running wildly with her friends with a kite and accidentally fell down. He patted the dust on the skirt indifferently, hid in her arms coquettishly and smiled, innocent and innocent.

At first glance, it looks like a child who has been pampered and grown up.

Sometimes the blood relationship is so wonderful, even though she hasn't seen her for more than ten years, she still recognizes the woman at a glance.

Xingxing stood there and watched them for a long time.

Probably because she noticed her gaze, the woman looked over, her gaze stayed on her briefly, she nodded politely, and then looked away.

She didn't recognize her.

She didn't recognize her at all.

Xingxing suddenly felt very tired, too tired to continue walking.

After the little girl continued to run to play with her friends, Xingxing walked up to the woman.When she left, Xingxing only reached the corner of her skirt, but now, she is even slightly taller than her.

The woman looked puzzled: "Excuse me, what do you need?"

Xingxing was silent for a long time, and finally called out a name that even sounded unfamiliar: "Mom."

The woman suddenly opened her eyes wide, and her gaze stayed on Xing Xing's face for a long time. After a long time, she seemed to finally find out from her dusty memory the picture she hadn't looked back for a long time: "You are... Xing Xing ?”

"Yes."

The woman stopped talking, and her expression had calmed down from the shock at the beginning.Not only was she calm, she even looked at Xingxing with a bit of vigilance: "What's your purpose in coming to me?"

purpose?

Xing Xing's eyelashes trembled slightly.

What is... "purpose"?

She was not so naive, her mother abandoned her when she was five years old, and never visited her or called her for more than ten years, all of which showed her status in her mother's heart.Xingxing didn't expect her mother to be so pleasantly surprised when she recognized her, nor did she expect that she would give her a hug or a word of comfort, but at least... at least it shouldn't be like this, right?

"Purpose"?

What "purpose" could she have?

They haven't seen each other for ten years.

They haven't seen each other for more than ten years!

The woman's vigilant eyes were like sharp knives.

Almost cut her to pieces.

Xingxing barely showed a sad smile: "...I have no purpose. It's just that I haven't seen you for a long time, and I want to talk to you. Mom, I have been living very badly for more than ten years since you left. Ok. Dad owed a lot of money to loan sharks for his business, and he left Japan with his new mother and sister. To pay back the money, I dropped out of high school without graduating from high school. I'm actually married and have a very cute daughter, but the child My father passed away the day I gave birth to the baby...I, I—”

Xingxing heard a sudden sob, it was strange that she didn't see anyone crying when she looked around.It wasn't until her vision was blurred and cold tears kept sliding down her cheeks that Xingxing suddenly realized that the person crying was herself.

The woman handed her a Kleenex.

"I'm sorry." Her expression was sympathetic and sad, but that kind of "sympathy" and "sadness" were too polite and appropriate, just like the sympathy expressed when hearing the tragic experience of an unfamiliar neighbor, even It's not much deeper than that, "I'm sorry, Xingxing. I know you must be complaining in your heart that your mother left you alone, but adults also have difficulties as adults. In fact, mother's life has not been easy these years, listen to you say so Mom is also very sad. How about this, here is [-] yen, you accept it first, if you think it is less, we can discuss it later. But mom also hopes that you can think for mom, your sister is still young, and This new uncle with mom...maybe doesn't want to be disturbed..."

Xingxing stared blankly at the money she handed over, and subconsciously took two steps back.

"So... do you think I'm here to ask you for money?"

The woman still maintained a decent expression on her face, and she said softly, "Xingxing, if you talk a lot, it won't be interesting."

Xing Xing looked at her face, feeling extremely strange.

She suddenly understood that this unexpected meeting was not a reunion with her mother after more than ten years of absence.

It was a parting that could finally be confirmed after all the dust settled.

"You don't have to worry." Xingxing said softly, "I won't bother you, nor will I disturb your family. This will be the last time we meet."

The woman seemed to be slightly relieved, and she could face her with a gentle and gentle look again.

Xingxing didn't talk to her again, and when she left, she didn't even say a word to her.

She just watched the little girl bouncing around beside the woman, and wanted to hug her when she was tired from playing, so the woman bent down to hold her in her arms and continued walking.

Unexpectedly, she thought of Shimizu Saki's father's loving expression when he picked up her younger sister when she was born.

They never held her like that.

Xingxing used to think that maybe there are parents who don't love their children by nature. Her parents just don't have the ability to love their children, so she has nothing to feel sad about if her parents don't love her.

But now, she knows she was wrong.

It's not that they don't love their children.

They just don't love her.

Perhaps the sorrow of being a child lies in this——

Parents can have as many children as they want, give up whichever child they want, and favor whichever child they want, as long as they want.The regret that happened to this child can be made up for in another child in the future.

But not as a child.

Throughout her life, she has only this pair of relatives who are connected by blood.

She didn't have the right to choose whether she was born or not. They selfishly brought her into this world and abandoned her selfishly, but no matter how painful, sad, or desperate...she couldn't change the fact that they were her parents.

She can never change this fact.

She can never change this fact.

Soon after leaving Yamashita Park, Osamu Dazai found her and took her home.

His face was ugly, his previously gentle iris-colored eyes were gloomy, and under the calm appearance, it seemed that a storm was brewing.

It wasn't until she got home that Xing Xing remembered a little slowly that she didn't seem to get his answer to the phone call about divorce.

Xingxing sat on the edge of the bed, watching his face quietly.

She hadn't seen him for four years.

"Why did you bring me back, Dazai-san?"

He didn't answer right away.

The young man in black came to her side and squatted down in front of her.

His dangerous and cold aura just now seemed to dissipate without a sound, and the familiar tenderness reappeared in his eyes, but it seemed as if he was forcibly suppressing a certain emotion, he asked gently She: "Why did you run away from home? Why did you mention...divorce? Xingxing, did I do something wrong to make you angry?"

He is still so gentle.

Just like when proposing.

Like when kissing her.

Just like when he abandoned her.

"No."

"So the mention of divorce on the phone was a whimsical joke?"

"No."

"why?"

"There is no particular reason." Xingxing said, "Mr. Dazai, you have done nothing wrong, and I am not angry."

"I just..." She paused, "I don't love you anymore."

The air seemed to stagnate.

The young man in black didn't say a word, his tenderness floating on the surface disappeared like ice and snow melting at sunrise.

He straightened up without any expression on his face, and his voice was as gentle and calm as ever: "Xingxing, divorce is impossible. Don't say such things that will make me angry, okay?"

why?

He obviously doesn't love her, why won't he let her go?

Do you have to let her experience the pain after his death?

Even if she is just an unimportant object to him... why is she so ruthless?

Xingxing grabbed his sleeve and refused to let go: "Mr. Dazai, but I want a divorce."

She repeated: "I want a divorce."

Dazai Osamu's gentle and calm appearance was finally torn to pieces, he looked at her expressionlessly, his voice was low and cold, he looked at her for a while, then smiled slightly: "Why, you regret marrying me, don't you? , I didn’t give you a chance to choose, don’t you think it’s too late to say such things now?”

"But I don't love you anymore."

Xingxing bit her lip tightly.

His body stiffened for a moment.

"No, why don't you love me?" Dazai smiled, and corrected her mistake lightly, he carried her to the bed, pressed her on her body and kissed her tenderly and intimately, "Is this so? I still don't love me like this me?"

The wrist was held by him and pressed against the face forcibly, Xing Xing's whole body fell into the bed, without the slightest ability to resist.

He has always been gentle, affectionate, and considerate to her, pampering her like a little princess, and he is not willing to let her hurt, let alone make her cry.

But this time, no matter how much she cried until her voice became hoarse, she couldn't make him stop.

So... After tearing up the last layer of appearance, he is not even willing to pretend to be nice to her on the surface?

What was she to him?

Spices for a long journey?

unimportant person?

Possessions that you would rather be stuck with than let go?

really weird.

Xingxing thought.

In fact, being treated like this, she should be very sad, very sad, but her heart can't feel any emotion, and the rest is numbness.

Maybe it hurts long enough.

It's been four years.

Xingxing thought in a daze.

When he woke up the next day, Dazai was no longer by his side.

Xingxing is neither surprised nor sad, she already knows that her husband is the leader of the port mafia, powerful and powerful, there are many things that need him to deal with every day, he is not the logistics that can appear by her side at any time Small company staff.

They didn't match up in the first place.

Not long after she woke up, Osamu Dazai called her, his voice was still a little hoarse: "...I'm sorry."

Even though he couldn't see, Xingxing still smiled and shook her head across the phone: "It's okay, Mr. Dazai, I don't blame you."

"Xingxing, let's have a good talk when I come back tonight, shall we?"

"Okay."

Xingxing said.

He said, "See you tonight."

She said, "Well, goodbye."

He hangs up.

Xingxing didn't lie.

She doesn't blame him.

No matter how he treated her before or afterward, she doesn't blame him after all.

She just regrets that she can't become the important person to him.

Xingxing wrote down the last words she wanted to say stroke by stroke.

"Mr. Dazai, to this day, meeting you is still the luckiest thing in my life."

"This is my own choice, please don't feel sorry for me."

"Thank you."

The water in the bathtub was very warm, and even scratching my wrist didn't feel much pain.

Xing Xing lay quietly in the bathtub, letting her consciousness become more and more blurred.

She is a child that even her biological parents would not want.

It is a child that even his biological parents will cruelly abandon.

The more she struggled, the more reality pulled her down.

So later, she was finally abandoned by Mr. Dazai.

【I used to be very scared. 】

[When I was a child, I was afraid that my mother would leave. 】

[Later, I was afraid that my father would leave. 】

【Later, I was afraid that Mr. Dazai would leave. 】

[Now, I am finally not afraid. 】

[I am no longer afraid. 】

During the whole day in the Hong Kong headquarters building, Dazai Osamu was rarely absent-minded, but he was always good at disguising, no matter whether he was in a meeting or summoning his subordinates, no one could see his abnormality.

After dealing with everything, before leaving the headquarters building, Koyo Ozaki stopped him.

"Dazai-kun." She handed him a document bag, "Xing's previous medical examination results came out, she is pregnant, one month."

"Her abnormal running away from home yesterday may be caused by mood swings. Please spend more time with her. Women are very fragile when they are pregnant."

He has mixed feelings.

In fact, he doesn't like children at all, and even has some resistance and resistance. Having children has never been within the scope of his plan. It's not that they didn't take protective measures, and the pregnancy was probably an accident.But—what if the child's mother is Kyoko?

It seems... not so contradictory.

Besides, if her hormone levels fluctuated due to her pregnancy, then what she said yesterday is most likely beyond her control.

Coax her well.

Thinking of her tear-stained face when she fell asleep last night, he fell silent again.

Xingxing has always been easy to coax, even if he does things too much, she almost never gets angry with him, she is very gentle and sensible, and is very good at resolving emotions by herself. Today has passed a whole day, maybe when he comes home, she will soon Stop being angry.

Even though he thought so, he asked his subordinates to buy her favorite roses on the way home.

She would probably be very flustered suddenly knowing that she was pregnant, and the roses should relax her a little.

She will definitely like it.

Dazai opened the door, the sun shines through the window, countless fine dust flies in the light and shadow.

He heard the sound of water.

From the direction of the bathroom, there was the sound of water overflowing from the bathtub when it was full.

There was no sign of Shimizu Xing in the living room.

He walked towards the direction of the sound of water, the bathroom door was not closed, and the scene inside was presented in front of him without any concealment.

She closed her eyes and was quiet. If she ignored the white long dress that was stained red by the continuously gushing blood, she looked like she was just asleep.

She is always so quiet.

Osamu Dazai stopped in place, completely frozen in place like a lifeless sculpture.

If you tap him lightly at this time, you will probably harvest debris and dust all over the place.

His voice was light and fluttering, as if he didn't dare to wake her up.

It seemed that in the next second, it was about to shatter in the air.

"……apricot?"